Press Hop 2

This is DJ Steve Porter's sequel to his internet sensation Press Hop. This is the same guy that did those annoying ass NBA commercials that were on during the end of last season and the Playoffs. It features some entertaining footage of Ochocinco dancing shirtless on Dancing With The Stars, but sadly it only has one tiny clip of Ron Artest saying "psychiatrist" which is spliced in with Allen Iverson bitching about coming off the bench. You would think that DJ Steve Porter would have been able to milk Artest's amazing NBA Finals post-game interviews to greater effect.

Could Delonte Heat Up Potential LA vs. Miami Rivalry?

Rumor has it that the Lakers are close to acquiring Delonte West. Apparently LA had been trying to trade Sasha "The Machine" Vujacic and a draft pick for West to rid themselves of Vujacic's salary. West was traded to Minnesota on Tuesday and is expected to have his contract bought out by the Timberwolves, making him a free agent. If the Lakers can move Vujacic, sources say the Lakers will sign him.

This acquisition would be interesting for several reasons. First off, if the rumors about Delonte's affair with LeBron's mother Gloria James are indeed true, it will add a new layer to the potential rivalry between the Heat and the Lakers. Gloria James might be torn between who to support if the two teams end up meeting come next June.

Another reason this would be interesting is that the Lakers would have arguably the two most insane players in the NBA on one roster in Ron Artest and Delonte. West just recently pleaded guilty to traffic and weapons charges after having been pulled over on a three-wheeled motorcycle and found with a 9mm Beretta pistol, .357 Magnum and a Remington 870 in a guitar case back in September. He was sentenced to electronic monitoring, unsupervised probation, 40 hours of community service and psychological counseling. At this point, you might even say West is crazier then Artest.

Lastly, this acquisition would be interesting because it sets up a potential reality show for West if he winds up in Hollywood. Maybe it couldn't get off the ground until he's off probation, but the opportunity is there now that he's out of boring old Cleveland. I mean, who wouldn't want to watch Delonte rap in fast food drive-thrus on television. And if we're really lucky, maybe Artest and West could join forces to make a reality show of the NBA's craziest players. In fact, "Artest and West" would be a pretty good name for the show, although I do really like Artest's forthcoming reality show's name: "They Call Me Crazy."

Slim's Sneaker History

It's been a while since I've written about kicks, as nothing new has really caught my eye enough to inspire a post. So I've decided to take a moment to let you in on how my sneaker obsession began. I'm sure you're just dying to know. I trace the obsession back to my days in the first grade, when my good friend Ryan, of Half Court Heave fame, moved in next door to the Mayfields on good ole Shuman Lane in Finneytown.

Up until this point, I had never owned a pair of Nike Airs and it wasn't until I saw Ryan and his older brother rocking them that I began to covet them more than anything else in the world. My desire to own a pair grew so strong that one time, while eating at a restaurant with my family, I noticed a waitress wearing some and loudly exclaimed, "She's wearing Nike Airs!"

One morning after a sleepover at Ryan's house, I noticed a pair of black and white Nike Air trainers sitting in the basement. They were an old pair of Ryan's brother's shoes and they fit me perfectly. I asked if I could buy them, despite being pretty worn in, and before long a deal was struck for $5-10. It should also be noted that after Alonzo Mourning was traded to Miami, I bought my second Starter jacket from his brother which was a Miami Heat pullover.

I remember walking around in my used kicks and looking at the Nike Air logo on the back of my heel to soak in the glory of wearing a true pair of Nike Airs. Yeah, I was a dweeb. From this point on, an obsession was born. The obsession wouldn't be fully realized until after graduating college, but the seed had been planted nonetheless.

If I still have your attention, take a moment to marvel at some of the freshest sneakers I rocked during my formative years.

Throwback Posterization: MJ Throws Down on Tree Rollins

I neglected to post a Throwback Posterization yesterday, so I'm doing one on a Friday this week to get you pumped for the weekend. This week's throw down is courtesy of the greatest of all time, Michael Jordan. I'm not entirely sure what season this is from but judging by his teammates and what appears to be Jordan 3's on his feet, I'm pretty sure it's from the '86-87 season.

Jordan catches a pass on the perimeter and does his patent palm-the-ball pass fake to Charles Oakley on the baseline, which breaks the ankles of the Hawks' Cliff Levingston. With his defender falling to the floor, Jordan takes it to the hoop as 7-footer Tree Rollins mans the paint. Taking just one dribble before taking off, MJ skies over Rollins for a textbook Jordan dunk. Rollins has good position to contest the dunk, but Jordan's teammate Earl Cureton cuts to the basket right before Jordan gets to the rim which distracts Tree. After the dunk, Jordan runs down the court with some serious swagger that foreshadows the superstar he would become.

I also want to point out that Tree Rollins became a running joke in my neighborhood when I was growing up because he had a funny name. Kiki Vandeweigh was another player whose name we ragged on. My brother and I even made up a song/story about him in which he was the narrator's best friend and ultimately died. I'm serious. I can still remember the melody which was likely ripped off from some other song.

Still No Word on Artest's Reality Show

While Teenage Neckbeard is busy wasting his time watching T.O. and Ochocinco's boring reality shows (I haven't actually watched either of them) news is still slow on Ron Ron's much anticipated and aptly titled reality show of his own, "They Call Me Crazy." It was announced around the beginning of April that Dank Game's poster child for insanity would be getting his own reality show, but not much else has cropped up regarding the show's format or debut. I can pretty much guarantee that it will be the greatest reality television ever, if not the greatest television ever. To keep your interest piqued, here's a new video of Ron Artest interviewing himself for ESPN The Magazine.

May I just say that Ron and Ron's chemistry in this interview is simply off the charts. He's so charming as both an interviewer and interviewee, although Ron Ron the interviewer seems a bit mystified by Ron Ron the interviewee's desire to go ice skating on Pluto. I don't really understand why. Who wouldn't want to ice skate on Pluto? However, Ron Ron the interviewer seems very engaged on all of the other topics which include Ron Ron the interviewee's love of Titantic and Celine Dion and his convoluted reasoning for selecting 37 as his jersey number. Lastly, I'd also like to point out Ron's beautiful new hairstyle and the fact that he minored in architecture at St. John's. I think it's safe to say that Ron is the only man alive who's minored in architecture while simultaneously supporting his college education as a pimp.

TO Show vs Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch

As if Hard Knocks, Dancing with the Stars and Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch weren't enough! In the wake of the TO signing, Bengals fans are stuck with another reality show, The T.O. Show.

Of course, the good folks at VH1.com stream full episodes (complete with even more ads for Dinner For Schmucks - seriously, this looks terrible). I felt it was due diligence to watch at least one episode. I also watch highlights from Ultimate Catch episode 2 so as to make the fairest possible comparison.

The T.O. Show:

In episode 103, Terrell goes to Manhattan for Fashion Week with one or his two assistants (the hot one; the other one is very pregnant). They have a serious of misadventures, first the assistant getting, then being booted from the larger hotel room. They then go to a fashion show where both were supposed to sit front row, but the assistant ends up losing her seat. Finally Terrell gets asked to model something on the runway later, so their plans for the rest of the day are canceled.

As the assistant was really looking forward to the trip, she is upset she keeps getting the short end of the stick. But in the end TO makes it up to her by hiring a helicopter tour of the city for the two. What a sweetheart.

It's pretty obvious that the situations are rigged and that the assistant is almost certainly an actress. It is marginally humorous though.

Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch

In episode 102, the Ocho goes on his first two elimination round dates. Three of the four girls on these two dates are either insane or incredibly stupid or both. The funniest girl is the slightly larger black girl, who is subjected to a Ustream'd dinner date where Chad's fans informed him that despite the attractiveness of the other girl, she was a total bitch. Chad picked the funny "fat" girl.

The other date featured a girl who was supposedly funny against a born-again virgin. The "funny girl" actually promised in the elimination that she would "get down" with Chad. I'll give you one guess who Chad picked.

Conclusion:

I can't recommend either of these shows. To anyone. But if you're into Blind Date type shows and think Ochocinco is funny, I guess you'd like Ultimate Catch. And if you like really bad sitcoms, you'd probably like The T.O. Show better. I'll give the edge to The T.O. Show, because I found it much easier to sit through the whole thing (and I only watched highlights of Ultimate Catch).

When the fuck is Artest's reality show coming out?

Colangelo Trims 3

Ah the summer of 2010, world championship basketball is gearing up and Team USA looks pretty solid. I'm excited about Kevin Durant's introduction to the world basketball scene. Hopefully Jeff Green and Russell Westbrook will make the final cut and there will be an Oklahoma City Thunder triple threat repping USA--I'm sure 'Stache would get a kick out of that.

Unfortunately O.J. Mayo didn't make the squad. It's not too surprising he got cut considering the quality of guards on the roster, but I was hoping the former North College Hill star would make the team. Jerry Colangelo also trimmed the roster of Tyreke Evans and center JaVale McGee. I really thought they should have kept three centers, but then again I wanted them to keep Tyson Chandler for the '08 Olympics and they did alright without him. McGee could have been a good energy player off the bench. Chandler seems so gimpy anymore and Brook Lopez is more of a half court type of guy.

NFL's Biggest Collection of Jackasses?

Well, the Bengals done signed Terrell Owens. Owens doesn't have the best reputation as a teammate, though Mike Brown thought highly enough to make him a last minute addition to the team. And Cincinnati might now have the most jackass-filled roster in pro football, although it should be noted that the presence of Roethlisberger alone puts Pittsburgh way up there. On the bright side, they could very well join other jackass filled teams in Lombardi trophy history (1970's Steelers and Raiders, I'm looking at you).

So I'm taking a look at all the guys on the roster who seem like assholes. This isn't about arrests (Leon Hall is not on the list in spite of a DUI arrest last offseason for example), but I'm factoring some in.

Asshole index:

Adam Jones (CB) - HIGH - He has missed two entire seasons of football in a five year career because of off-the-field incidents - no, catastrophes. I'm honestly surprised he wasn't suspended for life. His most recent team, Dallas, hired around the clock security to keep him out of trouble and he ended up getting in a fight with a bodyguard. If he hadn't said and done all the right things since coming to Cincinnati (after sitting out last year and probably going broke making it rain too many times) I'd make a special category that only he and Ben Roethlisberger could fill.

Terrell Owens (WR) - HIGH - has called out the following teammates in public: Jeff Garcia (49ers), Donovan McNabb (Eagles) and Tony Romo (Cowboys). He has also claimed to have intentionally dropped passes when his team didn't include him enough in the game plan. He did however play nice in Buffalo last season.

NFC East Preview

Did I save the best for last? Maybe, as the NFC East is usually one of the best divisions in football. But we've caught two teams from this division in semi- "rebuild" mode and another in "win-now" mode. I can't believe that only the Dallas Cowboys actually look like true contenders in this division, but it's simply been shaken apart since last season. The Giants, especially defensively, have been on a slow decline since winning a Superbowl. The Eagles have handed the reigns to a new starting quarterback, and the Redskins are practically a fantasy football team, but not a particularly good one.

Division Winner: Dallas Cowboys

Dallas is the only model of consistency in the division. Quarterback Tony Romo has steadily improved each season under head coach Wade Phillips. And even when his receivers aren't playing to their pay grade, an unknown always seems to pop up and pick up the slack (see: Miles Austin). They also have very good, although aging running backs and a well rounded defense. Coming off a playoff win last year, Dallas looks to compete with New Orleans and Minnesota for a top seed and playoff bye week. I think we'll see eleven wins out of them.

Division Runner-Up: Philadelphia Eagles

This was a tough choice, as each of these three teams have so many question marks, but ultimately Philly has the fewest. New starting quarterback Kevin Kolb did start two games in place of then-injured, now-traded Donovan McNabb and looked pretty good in the process. Plus Michael Vick is still their back-up, so quarterbacking might not truly be a big issue for this team. Plus they've got lot's of young talent at the other offensive skill positions. Their defense hasn't been quite the same since the death of their longtime defensive coordinator before the 2009 season began, but they're no slouches either. The offensive line is aging and somewhat suspect, but that shouldn't stop the Eagles from winning nine games.

Division Third Place: Washington Redskins

When in doubt, take last year's ranking and switch the bottom two teams. At least, that's what I've done in a few of these previews! But the 'Skins really should be much improved this year with a new and proven head coach in Mike Shanahan and trade acquisition Donovan McNabb. This is one of the oldest teams in the league, as they consistently trade away their draft picks for high profile, under-performing free agents like DT Albert Haynesworth. But McNabb is a difference maker, and for years in Philly succeeded with sub-par receiver talent. I sincerely doubt Washington will compete for a playoff spot, but seven wins doesn't seem improbable.

Division Basement: New York Giants

The Giants have really skidded since winning it all a few years ago. Although their wide receiver corps has actually improved greatly with well spent draft picks, the defense has slowly fallen apart. The team knows it too, having changed coordinators. But unless Perry Fewell can get a lot more out a once-fearsome defensive line now in a multi-year slump, New York simply won't be able compete in a tough division in the currently stronger conference. Eli Manning is a decent quarterback, but you can't quite expect this offense to score the twenty-eight points they'll likely need almost every game to win. This is another team I've put in the cellar that could surprise, but I'm predicting six wins and the end of Tom Coughlin's coaching career.

NFC South Preview

Ready for more? The NFC South contains the reigning NFL champion New Orleans Saints. It also has a solid Atlanta Falcons team most are predicting to advance to the playoffs after posting winning seasons the last two years. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are clearly going through a rebuilding process after winning only three games last year while handing the reigns over to a rookie quarterback midway through the season. The Carolina Panthers are the biggest question mark, being one of the youngest teams in football. However, they're only two season removed from a 12-win season.

Division Winner: New Orleans Saints

I'll give them the benefit of the doubt; they did just win the Superbowl. They're clearly now the team to beat, but quarterback Drew Brees is clearly up to the challenge. Last year he threw the highest completion percentage in league history. The year before that he threw for the second most yards in NFL history. New Orleans will stay competitive so long as Brees is healthy (which unfortunately has been an issue earlier in his career). The Saints defense is not even close to the unit the offense puts on the field, but they make plays. Although New Orleans gives up a lot of yards, they also manage a lot of turnovers. And with Brees leading the offense and scoring about thirty points a game, the defense doesn't exactly have to be great. I think eleven wins is fair.

Division Runner-Up: Atlanta Falcons

The Falcons starting quarterback and running back were both injured for multiple games last season, and they still managed a winning season in a tough conference. Assuming they stay healthy this year, they should make it back to playoffs under the strength of third year quarterback Matt Ryan. This team has done as well in free agency as just about anyone, adding future Hall of Fame tight end Anthony Gonzalez and starting running back Michael Turner. The Falcons however are mostly not a team of superstars, but a solid group that play their roles and are simply well coached. They shouldn't have to struggle for ten wins a wildcard, and could easily push the Saints for the division's top spot.

Division Third Place: Carolina Panthers

Obviously this preview looks a lot like how the division ended up last year. But it just doesn't seem likely for an other outcome, except a flip flop of the top two. Carolina is in the weirdest kind of rebuilding mode with the youngest imaginable trio of quarterbacks and a head coach entering the final year of his contract with no extension talks in sight. The team publicly committed to quarterback Matt Moore, then drafted two high profile QBs. So it seems unlikely for the Panthers to make a push at the division this year, although their excellent running back stable and above average defense should keep them well ahead of Tampa Bay. I expect six or seven wins, and a new head coach in 2011.

Division Basement: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

In the NFC South there's a strange phenomenon of the last place team from one year winning the division the following year. I for one would be completely shocked if this trend repeated itself in 2010. Although Tampa Bay is making positive strides, the franchise is obviously in a lengthy rebuilding phase, having changed head coaches and starting quarterbacks last year while getting rid of older veteran players - even those that were still producing. While I wouldn't be surprised if this was a formidable team within a few years, for no reason should this be big year for the Bucs. However, I think they can improve from three wins to probably five.

NFC North Preview

Six down, two to go! Welcome to Dank Game's NFC North preview. This is one of the most unbalanced divisions in the NFL. The Packers and Vikings are coming off 10+ win seasons and playoff appearances, while the Lions and Bears didn't win 10 games combined last season. While Detroit is slowly digging itself out of the only 0-16 season in NFL history, the Bears are showing a lot of desperation to win now without a lot of real potential to do so. Assuming Favre is still coming back, this division will remain a two way race in 2010.

Division Winner: Minnesota Vikings

The Vikings are almost certainly an aging team, but the roster is impressive nonetheless. They still have one of the best defenses in the NFC, especially the front seven, and the team's promising young players are the offense's biggest playmakers. Adrian Peterson, despite being outshown by Chris Johnson of Tennessee last season, is still one of the best two or three running backs in the league. Sydney Rice and Percy Harvin are two of the best young receivers in the NFL. Brett Favre is still Brett fucking Favre, and I don't believe his ankle is the issue he's making it out to be (more on that in a future post). Bottom line, this is practically the same team that made it to the NFC Championship game last year. It took them 5 turnovers to lose in a game that somehow remained close. If Favre is back, they very well could be Superbowl bound. I wouldn't expect any less than eleven wins, and I'm predicting twelve.

Division Runner-Up: Green Bay Packers

The Packers are a much better team than I realized last offseason. The team really did have their quarterback of the future in Aaron Rodgers and trading Favre no longer seems like a completely insane decision. Sure it must have hurt Packer fans to watch the Favre-led Vikings sweep them last season, but it's not as if the Packers are total slouches. On the contrary, they'll be the team to beat in the North once Favre and the "Williams Wall" of Minnesota retire. The Packers have few weaknesses, so assuming Rodgers keeps playing at a high level, they should be making a return trip to the playoffs. I'll give them eleven wins.

Division Third Place: Detroit Lions

Hey, I've got to mix something up in this division! After improving from 0-16 to 2-14 last season, I think the Lions are ready to take the next step. They're probably still a couple years or more away from the playoffs, but to even sniff a .500 record would probably make the Detroit faithful happy for now. At any rate, rookie quarterback Matt Stafford was injured some of last season, and played for a team with very little talent. With more competent people now running the organization, they should steadily improve to at least a middle-of-the-pack team. Assuming this year's rookies continue to improve the squad, they'll make a jump to six or seven wins.

Division Basement: Chicago Bears

I might regret this one, but Chicago is not particularly impressive this season. I thought the Cutler addition at quarterback last season would improve the squad, but the problems in Chicago run much deeper than who's playing quarterback. They're ex-QB proved he could actually play in Denver, and they're ex-running back proved he could play in Cincinnati. This tells me coaching is the problem. Head coach Lovie Smith has avoided losing his job for two straight years, but he'll have no excuses this year. In the end, I don't think pressure on the head coach will be enough to make this team any better. They're once formidable defense is now flat, and they didn't have any first or second round draft picks to bring in young talent. The Bears are a sinking ship, and they'll probably win five games.

Birthday Hangover

I personally enjoyed Dank Game's birthday. It was fun reading through the archives (although much more time consuming than I'd anticipated), and McFavorite's Photoshop article was a great read as well. It makes me quite upset that my bootleg version of Photoshop is no longer working.

Anyway, I missed a few reader-favorite articles in my last round up so I though I'd get some links to those posted. I missed both of Dank Game's beer articles! Remember this one about the Miller High Life Camo Can?

How about Slim's thoughts on Great Lakes Christmas Ale?

How could I have possibly forgotten about J. J. Redick's hair secrets?

And Slim specifically asked about this particular Ben Roethlisberger article.

Well, that's what I've got. If anybody wants links to anything else let me know and I'll update the post.

Dank Game Presents: The Best in Photoshop

While Teenage Mustache has done more than enough to celebrate Dank Game's very first birthday, I felt obligated to do something to let Dank Game know that I care. And so, I've decided to do a retrospective of my own celebrating the greatest Photoshop jobs in Dank Game's first year. Some are crude, some are surprisingly decent, but hopefully all of them are the slightest bit humorous.







Without further adieu, Dank Game Presents: The Best in Photoshop.

Throwback Posterization: Kukoc Takes It To Zo

For those who don't know, Alonzo Mourning was my favorite player growing up. When he was traded there in 1995, I became a Miami Heat fan. Zo was regarded as one of the best shot blockers throughout the 90s, but as with any shot blocker, he got dunked on quite a bit too. For this week's Throwback Posterization, I present you Toni "The Croatian Sensation" Kukoc dunking on Mourning. Yeah, that really wasn't his nickname. This dunk is from the first round of the 1995 NBA Playoffs. The Bulls would go on to beat the Hornets three games to one, but would lose to the Orlando Magic in the following round. This was Jordan's first trip back to the playoffs since his infamous attempt at a baseball career.

Mourning hits a nice hook shot and as he's getting back on defense, he notices that Kukoc has an open lane to the basket. Larry "Grandmama" Johnson is in Zo's way as he's trying to defend Kukoc, so he shoves his own teammate out of the way. This moment is very likely indicative of the tension that grew between Mourning and Johnson. Mourning closes out too much on Kukoc, which opens up a small path to the rim. Kukoc makes a slight change of direction to get a step on Mourning and then takes it strong to the basket to dunk it over Zo's outstretched arm.

Happy F'ing Birthday Dank Game!

Believe it or not, Dank Game turns one year old today!

On the strength of 374 posts (that's more than one a day!) and a number of contributors, year one of the Dank Game experience has yielded a good amount of humor, horror and at least a handful of casual readers - I think.

Based on Eddie's inhale, I don't think he'll have any trouble blowing out a single candle.

Worst Time of the Year

With the NBA season over and the NFL yet to start back up, it's officially the worst time of the year. Baseball dominates SportsCenter making for the most excruciating television known to sports fans around the globe. Shit, I would even settle for some soccer but the World Cup has already come and gone. Even NBA free agency is boring now, as Matt Barnes remains the most intriguing player on the market outside of washed up superstars like Shaq, Iverson and T-Mac.

And so, I've decided to post something baseball related. I know, I know. It goes against the Dank Game Manifesto (still in progress, by the way) to write about baseball, unless of course we are discussing how it's inherently boring, but I've come across an animated short from No Mas and artist James Blagden about baseball that's actually worthwhile. It's about a pitcher named Doc Ellis, who supposedly threw a no-hitter while tripping on LSD in 1970. So escape the throes of baseball season by sitting back and enjoying the coolest thing to ever happen in baseball other than Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier.

From No Mas:

In celebration of the greatest athletic achievement by a man on a psychedelic journey, No Mas and artist James Blagden proudly present the animated tale of Dock Ellis' legendary LSD no-hitter. In the past few years we've heard all too much about performance enhancing drugs from greenies to tetrahydrogestrinone, and not enough about performance inhibiting drugs. If our evaluation of the records of athletes like Mark McGwire, Roger Clemens, Marion Jones, and Barry Bonds needs to be revised downwards with an asterisk, we submit that that Dock Ellis record deserves a giant exclamation point. Of the 263 no-hitters ever thrown in the Big Leagues, we can only guess how many were aided by steroids, but we can say without question that only one was ever thrown on acid.

Sadly, the great Dock Ellis died last December at 63. A year before, radio producers Donnell Alexander and Neille Ilel, had recorded an interview with Ellis in which the former Pirate right hander gave a moment by moment account of June 12, 1970, the day he no-hit the San Diego Padres. Alexander and Ilels original four minute piece appeared March 29, 2008 on NPRs Weekend America. When we stumbled across that piece this past June, Blagden and Isenberg were inspired to create a short animated film around the original audio.

LeBron Cavs Gear All The Rage With South Beach Homeless

According to Sports Illustrated, Clevelander Beau Miller has started a campaign with three of his friends to collect LeBron James jerseys and clothing, which will be sent to homeless shelters in South Beach.

"It's like any breakup," Miller said. "You want to give all your stuff back."

The past week Cleveland fans have been donating their LeBron gear to Yours Truly Restaurants in Northeast Ohio.

I would have assumed that they would have a poor turnout considering that the majority of Cavs fans burned their LeBron jerseys, but Miller says that the response has been "extraordinary."

Miller and his friends saw the heartbreaking situation in Cleveland as an opportunity to do something positive. In addition to donating LeBron gear to South Beach homeless shelters, they also started a website called breakupwithlebron.com, where they are selling T-shirts that say "It's Not Us, It's You." Proceeds from the $15 shirts are going to the Cleveland City Mission, although it appears the website is no longer online, so uh, never mind that.

With Cleveland's economy on the decline, it surprises me that they didn't decide to donate the LeBron gear to local shelters. But then again, you can never underestimate the pride of Clevelanders, as their local homeless would probably scoff at the idea of wearing a LeBron jersey. Even though this is meant to be a good cause, I get the feeling the effort is just as much out of spite as it is goodwill. I'm sure Clevelanders would be satisfied if images of homeless people wearing LBJ Cavs jerseys haunted LeBron's dreams as he tries to sleep in his new South Beach mansion.

Funny Bengals Tweets - Vol. IV

You know the drill by now right?

Defensive tackle Tank Johnson (TankJohnson99) has strong opinions about infant wear and speed limits, then gives an intriguing incentive for following him:

• Has anyone seen those new Denim diapers??? I will slap the shit outta a lil kid if he got some Levi pampers! #Iswaretagawd
• Why is the speed limit in college school zones so slow? I mean by 18 u should be able to dodge a car with ease! #cmonASU #tightenup
• I'm tryin soo hard to get to 8 k followers! 8,000th follower gets a bucket of chicken maad wet wipes and a plunger! #fuxwitme
  

Defensive end Antwan Odom (AntwanOdom98) might be giving in to marketing a bit too much:

• Will using @OldSpice help me break the NFL sack record this year?
• Will @OldSpice keep the haters away?
• My manager said that was enough free promo for @OldSpice
  

Wide receiver/punt returner Quan Cosby (Cosby12) isn't sure if he should trust whitey:

• Big Question? White lady just saw my little girls and said u have beautiful little critters...should I b offended?? NE1 use those terms b4?

I'm really not sure what linebacker Dhani Jones' (DhaniJones) angle is:

• Ahhhhh smells... Do tell... Tell me more... Your thoughts of the best smells

Wide receiver Andre Caldwell (caldwell87) learned an important lesson:

• I learned this weekend to NEVER go shopping with 4 women it get real expensive and they take ALL DAMN DAY they never know what they want..
  

Tight end Reggie Kelly (ReggieKelly82) shared a moment that isn't so much funny as adorable:

• Ok 1 thing off my checklist finally, daughter now can ride bike by herself. Way to go baby girl!
  

LeBron James' Wrestling Career

Probably people have seen this already (as is usually my experience with YouTube videos), but this is actually pretty funny. Basically, if the NBA were the WWE this is what it would be like. It makes me think that maybe NBA superstars should talk like professional wrestlers.

Even though the AppleTalk replacement dialogue is stupid, the things that LBJ is supposedly saying about Ohio are pretty funny. My favorite part is Bosh in the Cowboy hat though.



Sorry to take you away from Dank Game's regularly scheduled content of little football helmets dotting the screen.

NFC West Preview

Alright, let's get things rolling in the NFC division previews, starting in the West again. This division has basically been wide open since the Seahawks demise over the last three years. The Cardinals stepped in on the strength of the career Renaissance of quarterback Kurt Warner, but he retired this spring. The Rams were the top team in the league ten years ago, but won only a single game last season. That basically leaves the rising 49ers, with their top-tier defense and running game. But like each of these teams, San Francisco has serious question marks at quarterback. This is the only division where every team really has a chance to win the thing.

Division Winner: San Francisco 49ers

I think when it's all said and done, none of these teams will truly belong in the post season. But the closest to it will be the 49ers. Frank Gore is an excellent running back in his prime and head coach Mike Singletary has built the defense into a formidable unit. The big question is quarterback play. This team has been through seemingly dozens of starting quarterbacks just in the past few years including Bengals back-up J.T. O'Sullivan. Every other starting QB seems to be the nth chance for former number one overall pick Alex Smith. And once again Smith is penciled in to start the season under center. If his play is even halfway steady this season, San Francisco will win the division they nearly stole from the Cardinals last year. Nine wins ought to do it, sadly.

Division Runner-Up: Arizona Cardinals

Make no mistake, the Cardinals lost a lot since losing the Superbowl after the 2008 season. Losing Kurt Warner is the biggest blow, but they also lost two of their best defensive play-makers to free agency. The best things going for Arizona are that Ken Whisenhunt is still their head coach and there running game is poised to improve greatly in Beanie Wells' second year. The biggest question by far for this team is whether former first round draft pick Mat Leinart can finally have a breakthrough season. He's had nearly as many chances as Alex Smith, but arguably has enjoyed more success. There are also questions about whether the defense will survive the losses of Dansby and Rolle. I'm going with eight wins in a close race with the 49ers.

Division Third Place: St. Louis Rams

It's been a dismal three years for the once-proud Rams. They have won six games in three years and were the worst team in football last season. But there's a glimmer of hope with the acquisition of Heisman-winning quarterback Sam Bradford, the number one overall pick of this year's draft. While it's way to early to know if Bradford will pan out, the Rams do still have All Pro running back Steven Jackson moving the chains and Bradford will more than likely be an upgrade over the oft-injured and now departed Marc Bulger. This team should have enough pieces in place now to upgrade to four wins.

Division basement: Seattle Seahawks

The problem with the Seahawks is that after years of dominating this otherwise weak division, age has caught up to them. Now they have their third head coach in as many season, but still have Matt Hasselbeck at quarterback. He spent a good portion of each of the last two season injured, and the Seahawks have struggled to win more than a handful of games. I wouldn't expect much more of him this season. I'm guessing new coach Pete Carrol simply wasn't hot on any of this years QB prospects in the draft and is biding his time. This team also isn't particularly talented at the other offensive skill positions. Clearly a rebuilding year in Seattle, who I think will win all of three games.

AFC East Preview

Number four of Mustache's season preview, winding down the AFC in its Eastern division. This is clearly a three team race, with Buffalo down and out in an otherwise very strong division. The Patriots have the rings, the Jets have the defense and the Dolphins have a talented young quarterback and a very solid nucleus of young playmakers. This division will almost certainly yield two playoff berths.

Division Winner: Miami Dolphins

This is the underdog team of the East's big three, but ultimately that's why I think they'll succeed. Despite a serious rash of offseason arrests, the Dolphins have had back-to-back-to-back solid drafts under the guidance of Bill Parcels and made all the right moves in free agency this season. This is as balanced a team as you're likely to find, including back-up quarterback - the Dolphins are the only team in division, if not conference, that have a solid back up QB in former Jets and Dolphins starter Chad Pennington. Finishing third in their division last season, Miami has the softest schedule of the big three too. This will be a close race, but I think the Dolphins steal back the division with eleven wins.

Division Runner-Up: New York Jets

The Jets won nine regular season games and two playoff games last year on the strength of the league's best defense and a top-notch running game. And all with an error-prone rookie quarterback, Mark Sanchez. If he improves much at all this season the Jets should be back in the postseason. It's hard to imagine the defense will deteriorate much if any next season after such a dominate showing throughout last season. The Jets really only lost when Sanchez made too many mistakes. Through injury the team found its running back of the future in Shonn Greene. The only thing working against New York is free agency - they spent a lot of money on a lot of players who are supposedly post their primes. If even half of these guys can prove their skeptics wrong, New York is headed for at least ten wins and a very close race with the Dolphins

Division Third Place: New England Patriots

The Patriots just can't stay good forever, and I'm boldly predicting they miss the playoffs this season. Although they still have Tom Brady at QB, their defense has slowly fallen apart over the last few seasons and no longer resembles a Bill Belichick squad. While this team is still some ways off from being outright bad, like the Browns or Bills, one just gets the feeling that for the first time in a long time things aren't the way they have been in Bean Town. After watching the Ravens dismantle New England in last year's wildcard game in Foxborough, I can't give this team more than nine wins, and I'm actually only going to predict eight. Wishfull thinking? Maybe.

Division Basement: Buffalo Bills

If the Bills do any better than last place in the Eastern division, it will be a miracle. Their new coach, Chan Gailey, might have inherited the most helpless and talentless roster in the NFL this year. And I wouldn't say their draft converted any non-believers. Buffalo has the worst quarterback situation and possibly the worst offensive line in all of football. I haven't yet seen a prediction for Buffalo of even seven wins. And I'm only going to give them four. Nobody would be surprised if the Bills won the fewest games in the league this season.

**********

Other AFC previews:

West
South
North

Nate Dawg

Today Danny Ainge signed Nate Robinson to a two year deal at $4 million per year. Nate broke the news on his twitter account, saying, "Cuz im back n beantown baby yeah." Since I'm still angry at ESPN for the whole decision fiasco, I thought I'd mention something my friend Ryan Young told me the other day, "these days the real reporting is done on twitter. That's the hard reporting. Espn is the erroneous, speculative, pathetic news."

The Celtics bench looked a lot stronger late in the Playoffs when Doc Rivers finally decided to play Nate. This is a great move for the Celtics because you never know when you'll need a scorer and he comes at a pretty good bargain. They have a lot of aging veterans, which led to inconsistent scoring at times in the Playoffs. Nate is a prime of his career scoring guard, so he can help alleviate those problems--you know, as long as Doc Rivers plays him.

AFC South Preview

For my third of eight NFL division by division previews I'm continuing my tour of the AFC with it's South division. Hosting the Superbowl losing Colts, as well as generally good teams in Tennessee and Houston, this will likely be a close contest. Even perennially underachieving Jacksonville could very well put together a surprisingly good team.

Last year I foolishly picked the Colts to miss the playoffs. And they only won fourteen games and made the Superbowl with a rookie head coach! So I will not bet against the Colts again this year. Like everyone else, I had the 2008 division winning Titans pretty high last year, and their six game losing streak to start last season now appears to have been an aberration. Both Tennessee and Jacksonville have game changing running backs, so it's possible to count them out. And Houston, not Indianapolis, New England or New Orleans, had the top passer in football last year.

Division Winner: Indianapolis Colts

The Colts are just going to be good until Peyton Manning isn't on the team anymore. I've come to accept this fact. Usually the team that loses the Superbowl misses the playoffs the following season, but I would be shocked really if the "Superbowl Hangover" afflicted this team that won fourteen games with a rookie head coach. The Colts have probably the worst running game of any contending team, but it rarely seems to matter for them. I wouldn't think they can win as many games again next year in an improved division, but they'll probably still hit twelve wins.

Division Runner-Up: Houston Texans

This team has progressed so slowly since entering the league in 2002 that you'd think you were reading about building an MLB team. But low and behold, the Texans finally posted their first winning season last year on the strength of quarterback Matt Schaub's league best throwing total. They also sported the best defense in the Division last season. Lead tackler (and former USC teammate of Rey Maualuga) linebacker Brian Cushing will be suspended for the beginning of the season, but their defense should at least keep them in position to win games. Like so many others, I'm predicting that the Texans finally make the playoffs this year, probably with ten wins and a wildcard berth.

Division Third Place: Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jaguars have had a lot of talent and even some postseason appearances over the last several season, but they never do well when the spotlight is on. After a division worst 7-9 record complete with a four game losing streak to end the season, the spotlight is very far off Jacksonville. This will work to their advantage, and as long as they have running back Maurice Jones-Drew they'll have a chance. They also get competent though not inspired quarterback play from David Garrard, and a defense that really could be a lot worse. As the only team in the division making significant draft picks, their defense should be improved with a possibly formidable defensive line. I'll pencil in the Jaguars for eights wins, but wouldn't be surprised if they end up a couple wins north or south of there.

Division Basement: Tennessee Titans

This is probably the ultimate sink-or-swim team in the 2010 football season. Although Chris Johnson is coming off an extremely rare 2,ooo yard rushing performance and quarterback Vince Young showed renewed life after being reinstated into the starting lineup last year, both face a lot of off the field adversity, especially in the form of their contracts. Vince Young is in the last year of his rookie deal and the team is reluctant to put a lot of long term money down on such a hot and cold QB. Chris Johnson set an NFL record for total yards from scrimmage last year and wants to get paid like it. To further complicate matters, their defense was terrible last year, so their performances will have to make up for it. If this team puts it together and Young and Johnson both have another magic season, this could be an eleven win team headed for the playoffs and lucrative contract extensions. Playing the odds however, it seems more likely they're headed to seven wins.

Big Z Bolts for South Beach

Cleveland fan favorite Zydrunas Ilgauskus has followed suit to join LeBron James in Miami. Big Powder, as he is known on Dank Game, turned down an offer from Cleveland to help fill out the Heat's frontline. It's possible that he will sign a one-year deal, but Z is hoping to come to terms on a two-year deal.

I'm not sure how much he will sign for but I'm hoping it's the veteran's minimum because Miami can use all the cap space they can get. I think Z could fit in well with the Heat because his main strength is knocking down baseline jumpers and he will likely have a lot of open looks. Obviously he and LeBron have a close relationship, so it might help ease the transition for James.

I was hoping the Heat would find a center who is more of a banger down low. Hopefully there will be enough funds left to bring Jamaal Magloire back, who fits the description of a "banger" to a tee. Dwyane Wade likes Magloire, so it wouldn't surprise me to see him return on the cheap.

Ilgauskus has never played anywhere besides Cleveland in his 14-year career, so it will be hard for him to leave the city behind. He plans to keep a home in Cleveland and says he would like to be a part of the organization after he retires. We'll see how receptive Cavaliers brass will be to that since he's following LeBron to Miami.

cleveland's economy falls.

Stay Strong Cleveland

Tom Green watches "The Decision" and enjoys Vitamin Water with Clevelandites, I mean Clevelanders.

Haslem Sacrifices a Buttload of Money to Return to Miami

The Miami Heat's blue collar power forward Udonis Haslem has decided to return to his hometown team despite receiving offers from Dallas and Denver that could have been up to $35 million over five seasons. Haslem instead signed a five-year deal with the Heat for around $20 million. In regards to leaving such a large sum of money on the table, Haslem said, "I would be changing my DNA if I was leaving just for money."

Pat Riley has made no secret that he has a big boner for Haslem's gritty, selfless playing style, as he has stated time and again that retaining Haslem during the offseason was one of his biggest priorities. Former #2 draft pick Michael Beasley was spared in order to keep Haslem in Miami, with Beasley being traded to Minnesota for two second round picks. While Beasley has the potential to be a more productive player than Haslem, the Heat are clearly in win-now mode and Haslem is better suited for this, especially because of his defense.

I must say that Haslem's return makes me feel much better about carrying on as a Heat fan in the wake of the arrival of the big three. I think Haslem's willingness to return for much less money says something for the Miami Heat as an organization.

The Ultimate Catch Episode 101 Review

The wait is over - VH1's Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch debuted last night with 85 women meeting Chad in Pasadena, California's Rose Bowl.

Of course the 85 women thing was clearly just a play on his name/number, as he was eliminating women within minutes of seeing them for the first time. In all, he cut 68 girls over the course of an afternoon. As ridiculous as this "dating mini-camp" was, it is still a relatively fresh idea in the overcrowded genre of dating shows. Events at the mini-camp included trash talking, touchdown dances and hugging pads with pictures of Ochocinco on them.

The seventeen survivors were invited to a soiree at an LA mansion where Chad, Vikings receiver Bernard Berrian and free agent wide receiver Terrell Owens entertained the lucky ladies. Bernard let the ladies do the talking, of course discovering that some of these women are certifiably insane. TO kept trying to get the ladies numbers for himself, trying to find out if any of them weren't truly there for Chad. At the end of the night the three discussed the positives and negatives of the seventeen ladies, setting up the cliffhanger for next week. Chad will immediately cut one of the ladies and proceed to rank the other sixteen setting up an NCAA March Madness style bracket.

Ultimately, this show was quite bad. Hopefully I've given you enough of a description that you won't feel the need to watch it yourself, although you can on VH1's website. You might have to watch several soap and Starburst commercials, as well as spots for "Dinner for Schmucks" which likely only schmucks will enjoy. Overall I did like the show more than "Dancing With the Stars" if for no other reason than there were neither cranky British judges or that douche from America's Funniest Home Videos that isn't Bob Saget.

heat gets super shredder.

Mr. Maybe here, formaly known as young_turd. Since the Cav's left the playoffs I had really nothing else to talk about. Then Mr. Selfcentered had to rip the heart from a city that he was bred. After James bit the hand that fed him, Cav's owner responded with a beautifully written essay to Lebron that was honorable for it's own Dank Game post. Just take a look at his rough draft, he really shows his work. Gilbert guarantees a trophy before Miami by passing off the Curse of Cleveland. It appears everyone is becoming has been getting into the dank game humor and have been coming out with such t-shirt gems as these. tshirt 1 tshirt 2

Southbeach's "el heat" becomes another super team by drinking the rest of the tgri ooze canister. Miami's camp found a money tree to form the Super Shredder of Bosh, James, and Wade. Being a Cavs/Lebron fan, I am quite upset about the mutant however I know it will be fun to watch -- watch them destroy themselves. They will destroy the team by each one trying to each be the biggest star. In-fighting will start before the playoffs, and the dock will collapse on them before they can really do anything. Now along with this prediction of a Heat fail, I say that four new young stars will form under the Cavs new coaching. These four might not be able to do too much individually but as a team they will dominate in a stealthy and likable way while floating safely to the title.

I will leave you with this, if you want something to really piss you off read this article. It talks about how the super shredder had been plotting this for quite some time which makes you wonder if Lebron threw those last games to make the shredder possible.

A Miami Heat Fan's Reaction To "The Decision"

If there's one word to describe how I feel about the arrival of LeBron James to South Beach, it's conflicted. Obviously bringing LeBron to the Heat is an excellent basketball move, and Pat Riley deserves all the praise in the world for pulling off the greatest heist in NBA history, but as a Heat fan soaking this all in right now I just feel, well, dirty.

I feel dirty for rubbernecking through that entire broadcast last night, watching as Cleveland fans' hearts were scraped from the asphalt after LeBron announced "The Decision." I feel dirty because, at the expense of the Cleveland faithful, my favorite team has transformed like Voltron into a Yankees-esque super team.

While true Miami Heat fans like myself do deserve a winning team after sitting through one year of atrocious Heat basketball (2007-08) and the following two years of expiring contract mediocrity, Cleveland fans certainly don't deserve this. I would have been completely content with Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade surrounded by role players in Miami, while LeBron continued to toil away in Cleveland. But clearly, LeBron wasn't content with that fate.

Now my favorite team will forever be linked to that ridiculous broadcast last night. It seemed as if the King was a mere pawn during The Decision, as many are speculating that LeBron's marketing team LRMR pushed him into making his choice on live television. LeBron was clearly uncomfortable and flustered with his speech, at one point saying, "One thing you can't control is you never know." Maybe that's some way out there transcendental shit that's over my head, like some George Harrison lyrics or something, but my best bet is that LeBron was so caught up in the moment that he hardly knew what he was saying.

I understand and respect LeBron's choice to join Wade and Bosh with the Heat, but the television special was a huge misstep by him and his camp. Although it did raise millions of dollars through advertising for the Boys and Girls Club of America, there has to have been another way to give back to charity that spared LeBron's former fan base. As Dank Game's own Teenage Soul Patch has been quick to point out, Kevin Durant signed a lucrative long-term contract with the Thunder without any of the hype. Of course LeBron's decision carried a lot more weight, but he certainly could learn a thing or two from Durant's humility.

Funny Bengals Tweets - Lebron James Edition

Given the circumstances in Ohio and the chatter on Twitter I've decided to bring you a LeBron James/Cavaliers/Heat version of Funny Bengals Tweets.

Former offensive lineman Willie Anderson (WillAnderson79) joked:

• He's gon stay in Cleveland tomorrow night[.] I mean so he can Pack!
  
• My Bday is Sun. I was gon hold a hour long special to let everyone know of my decision of where I'm going.
• So Does Dwade have to watch Lebron throw powder in the air every game?
  

Former defensive tackle Shaun Smith (sjs91) chimed in:

• Everyone get over it[.] the state [o]f Ohio will never win the big games so good luck.

Defensive tackle Tank Jonson (TankJohnson99) is crazy:

• Does anyone know where Lebron went? I been on jupiter ice fishin 4 star fish! Just landed from jupiter international! #GreetinEarthlingz

Wide receiver and punt returner Quan Cosby had a good point:

• Not gonna get into this too much but LB just nailed that live interview! Answered every ? Perfect, only thing wrong was talkin 3rd person ha

Wide receiver Chad Ochocinco (OGOchoCinco, allowable only for this special edition) has a suggestion for the Heat:

• #perfect world Shaq comes back to the Heat also and Pat Riley signs me to come off the bench when football season ends, i'd average 15 pts

Former linebacker David Pollack (davidpollack47) lends me a sobering conclusion:

• What does LeBron owe Cleveland, I'm confused? He just gave Clev the best seven years of their franchise
• The Cleveland franchise is currently worth 100 million more than it was when LeBron got there.
  

AFC North Preview

Fear not Ohio sports fans - they're are still two good Pro teams in Ohio. They just both happen to be in Cincinnati (yes, I'm counting a baseball team and yes it does feel a little dirty).

The AFC North is almost always a three team race, but this year I think the Steelers probably have too much to overcome to make a serious push at the division. No doubt the Ravens are a good team, but the Bengals topped them last year with a surpringly superior defense. Meanwhile, many facets of the Ravens are just getting old (Ray Lewis, Ed Reed), while the strengths of the Bengals' defense are young. While both teams attempted to improve their weak spots in the draft and free agency, I think the Bengals Defensive Line, wide receivers and tight ends improved much more than Baltimore's secondary, wide receivers and tight ends.

Division Winner: Cincinnati Bengals

The Bengals are essentially returning the Division winning team from last season minus the broken parts (LS Brad St. Louis, WR L. Coles, and they drafted a TE who will definitely replace Dan Coats). They picked up two wide receivers who will probably each be more productive than Coles in veteran Antonio Bryant and rookie Jordan Shipley, the Texas Longhorn's record holder for most catches. Plus last year's number four ranked defense returned EVERYBODY. With mostly solid draft picks and improved health thus far I see the Bengals taking 11 wins despite a brutal schedule. Ten might be enough for the division again this year however, as every team is looking at an uphill climb schedule-wise.

Division Runner-Up: Baltimore Ravens

This team received a lot of praise for the draft and free agent acquisitions. I can't say I don't agree with the speculation, but most of those writing off the Bengals can only point to an historic inability to repeat success. Oh, I'm supposed to be talking about the Ravens. They'll be good, but I think their defense will decline a little this year and I sincerely doubt their offense will take the step so many seem to expect. Flacco is still quite young, Boldin is a great wide receiver and a good addition, but they don't have a true number one like Cincy has in Chad Ochocinco, and TE Todd Heap is getting pretty old. Oh, and they have as bad a pair of starting cornerbacks as you're likely to come across in the NFL. Good team - good enough for nine, maybe ten wins against this schedule. It will depend on the rest of the Conference to see if that's good enough for another wild card berth.

Division Third Place: Pittsburgh Steelers

The Iron City has had as rough an offseason as you can imagine. Rapistbergergate led to a suspension of their starting quarterback and they lost a key member of their already porous offensive line for the year when RT Willie Colon tore his Achilles. They brought back Byron Leftwich to fill in at QB, but he'll probably get sacked about 20 times (30 if Ben's suspension does last the full six games instead of the optional four). In the meantime, Pittsburgh has done very little to upgrade their team. They had some decent draft picks, but it seems like their team is regressing while Cincinnati and Baltimore are rising. Given the Steelers seem to post respectable records even when bad, I'll give them seven wins, but the Browns may be closer than they're willing to admit.

Division Basement: Cleveland Browns

Fucking Cleveland. There's not much to say about Cleveland's chances this year. They're not good. They scrapped together five wins by grace of God last year, mostly at the end of the season against other teams already out of postseason contention. Every time this team takes one step forward it takes two steps backward. The phrase "rebuilding project" has hovered around ever since they returned as an expansion in the '90s. I'd like to think they're moving in the right direction this time, but the jury is very much still out on rookie QB Colt McCoy and second year RB Jerome Harrison. It'll be another long year in Cleveland, and against this schedule four wins could be expected but no more.