Chad Ochocinco Dickin' Around at Target

While Teenage Mustache has been busy getting serious in writing about the Bengals, I'm picking up the slack on his lazy coverage of Ochocinco, who he once claimed was the craziest athlete in sports. I think 'Stache now realizes that Ron Artest is clearly more insane, and has all but waved the white flag with his recent lack of Ochocinco coverage. Even 'Stache admits that Chad's VH1 reality show disaster The Ultimate Catch is more stupid than it is insane. With that said, Ochocinco is still pretty amusing, if not all that crazy. And so, here are some photos of him dicking around at Target, complete with his own captions from Facebook.

My feet hurt so but they won't let me use the motorized scooter at target right now

Acting out the movie 300 with Nerf axes and a garbage pail top

Safety is key

ARod can't hit inside the aisles of Target

A true hole in one

Damn! I'm going to jail for trying to steal PADS, heavy absorbency 42 count for my homegirl Bon Qwee Qwee

A Miami Heat Fan's Reaction To "The Decision"

If there's one word to describe how I feel about the arrival of LeBron James to South Beach, it's conflicted. Obviously bringing LeBron to the Heat is an excellent basketball move, and Pat Riley deserves all the praise in the world for pulling off the greatest heist in NBA history, but as a Heat fan soaking this all in right now I just feel, well, dirty.

I feel dirty for rubbernecking through that entire broadcast last night, watching as Cleveland fans' hearts were scraped from the asphalt after LeBron announced "The Decision." I feel dirty because, at the expense of the Cleveland faithful, my favorite team has transformed like Voltron into a Yankees-esque super team.

While true Miami Heat fans like myself do deserve a winning team after sitting through one year of atrocious Heat basketball (2007-08) and the following two years of expiring contract mediocrity, Cleveland fans certainly don't deserve this. I would have been completely content with Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade surrounded by role players in Miami, while LeBron continued to toil away in Cleveland. But clearly, LeBron wasn't content with that fate.

Now my favorite team will forever be linked to that ridiculous broadcast last night. It seemed as if the King was a mere pawn during The Decision, as many are speculating that LeBron's marketing team LRMR pushed him into making his choice on live television. LeBron was clearly uncomfortable and flustered with his speech, at one point saying, "One thing you can't control is you never know." Maybe that's some way out there transcendental shit that's over my head, like some George Harrison lyrics or something, but my best bet is that LeBron was so caught up in the moment that he hardly knew what he was saying.

I understand and respect LeBron's choice to join Wade and Bosh with the Heat, but the television special was a huge misstep by him and his camp. Although it did raise millions of dollars through advertising for the Boys and Girls Club of America, there has to have been another way to give back to charity that spared LeBron's former fan base. As Dank Game's own Teenage Soul Patch has been quick to point out, Kevin Durant signed a lucrative long-term contract with the Thunder without any of the hype. Of course LeBron's decision carried a lot more weight, but he certainly could learn a thing or two from Durant's humility.

Butt Buddies For The Win

It's no secret that Ron Artest has a bizarre relationship with Kobe Bryant. For instance, in 2008 when Kobe and the Lakers fell short to the Boston Celtics in the Finals, Ron Ron walked in on Kobe while he was showering by himself. Artest told him that he was going to come to LA and help him win a title. I can only assume he pat Kobe on the butt on his way out.

Artest idolizes Kobe. Just watch this clip of Ron interviewing Kobe before they were teammates.

You don't even have to watch more than a minute of the interview to figure out that Ron is completely enthralled by Kobe. He seems to hang onto his every word and stroke his ego with nearly every question. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me if Ron proposed that he stroke something more than Kobe's ego after the cameras stopped rolling.

Kobe enjoys the interview almost as much as Ron, if not more, as he seems to bask in every moment of Artest's idolization. Although the two have had some fierce battles between one another, such as last year's Western Conference Semi-Finals, I think it's safe to say that Ron Ron and Kobe are butt buddies. And because of this, I am cheering for the Lakers to beat the Boston Celtics in the Finals.

End of an Era in Cleveland?

I know, the Cavs are out of the playoffs and there's still more basketball to be played until someone hoists up the Larry O'Brien Trophy in early June, but until then, here's another post on the last Dank Game-endorsed squad to be eliminated from the playoffs. This is a collaboration between myself and guest writer/Dank Game loyalist, Andy Young.

So this is a post I have wanted to make for quite sometime and maybe it’s a bit late, just like the Cavs' performances in the last three games. Enough has been said about LeBron, but now speculations that crazy Delonte West had an affair with LeBron’s mother have begun to surface. The authorities are citing this as the reason why LeBron went from averaging over 30 points per game in the playoffs to just over 21 points and over 6 turnovers for the final three games. I mean really, West having intercourse with Miss James is like Peter and Paul running a train on Mary. (The biblical Peter, Paul and Mary, not the shitty folk band from the 60’s) The “WITNESS” shirts might have to be recalled until this scandal subsides. I’m sure West was too busy freestyling about barbecue sauce to sweet talk Miss James into something that's finger lickin' good, but then again, maybe she is trying to conceive the next greatest thing to ever happen to basketball.

But let's talk about the rest of the team. Shaq Fu, I love you but you're old. Just about as old as the original Aristotle. Like his free throw shooting, Osama Bin Shaq was just too slow to make a difference defending in the paint against Jake Sully (Kendrick Perkins looks like an avatar) and Big Baby, who won’t be crying until he faces Dwight Howard or is yelled at by Kevin Garnett. Speaking of Garnett, let’s not also forget the Big Ticket's fade away jumpers that no one could defend. Not even "Wild Thang" Varejão could stop KG, who did come up pretty big with his frantic offense and constant effort, excluding the time he quit playing because he was bleeding and begging for a foul call. Overall, the Cavs just looked about as pathetic as the Flats in Cleveland.

John Mayer is Stealing Teenage Mustache's Thunder

Anyone that follows Dank Game with the slightest bit of regularity knows that Teenage Mustache is as big of a Thunder fan as you can find. When it was announced the Thunder's mascot Rumble the Bison (quickly becoming a Dank Game hero) won NBA Mascot of the year, he brought you the news. When the Thunder, um... wait, that's about the only relevant news regarding the Thunder that 'Stache has ever posted here on Dank Game. But still, believe me, this guy bleeds Thunder cyan, orange, navy and marigold... I guess that metaphor works better with teams that have a limited color palette, but you get my point. 'Stache is devoted to the Thunder. I mean, would a fair weather fan drive all the way to Oklahoma City from Atlanta for every Thunder home game dressed likes this? I don't think so.

Which brings me to John Mayer.

John Mayer has revealed his allegiance with the Thunder and it seems he's more than just a casual fan. Not only does he sport a Thunder jersey, but it appears that he sports a customized Thunder jersey. That's a number 1 on his jersey, which no player on the Thunder wears. This leads me to believe that his jersey reads "MAYER" on the back and the number 1, of course, indicates that he is the Thunder's #1 fan.

It's time to take your Thunder fandom to new heights, 'Stache. This is supposed to be your team. A few years down the road when the Thunder become a legit title contender and you can finally grow a full mustache, you could become that unmistakable figure sitting courtside at every game. You could be to the Thunder what Spike Lee is to the Knicks or Jack Nicholson is to the Lakers. They play in Oklahoma City, so you probably have as good of a chance as the next guy. Only problem is that John Mayer stands in your way. Are you going to sit back and let some douche like John Mayer represent your team? I would hope not.

Looks like 'Stache made it out to the Thunder game

What a fan. Came all the way out to OKC to watch the Thunder take on the Bulls last night.

Where there's Thunder, there's Heat

It's on!  Slim's McFavorite team (the Miami Heat) vs. yours truly's favored Oklahoma City Thunder.  Tomorrow night, baby!

Some background:

Slim started Dank Game back in July of 2009 to fill the large void in opinionated sports writing on the internet.  Suffering from a lack of charisma, Dank Game turned to Cincinnati wunderkind Teenage Mustache (actual name). 

For the most part, a decision was reached that Slim would continue to focus on the NBA, while America's real pro sport was covered by the 'Stache.  We even got some dick from Columbus to cover English football (you know, soccer), just to round out our coverage.  Naturally, baseball was considered non essential.

However, football season will end (hopefully after the Bengals win the Superbowl for the first time), and the 'Stache needs to keep this good thing going.  Without a Cincinnati team to root for (until we bring the Royals back), Mustache scanned the league for a team worthy of his fandom.  Not surprisingly, his heart landed in Oklahoma City.

Slim meanwhile has been rooting for the Heat since boyhood.  Mistaking Miami, FL for Miami of Ohio (and thus thinking it was a local team), Slim nevertheless stuck with his choice after discovering his initial mistake.  He was rewarded with a Miami NBA championship, thanks almost entirely to the addition of Shaquille O'Neal to the team.

Flash forward to Tuesday, Nov. 16th - the first Thunder-Heat showdown since Dank Game was launched.  Bragging rights will be established, fun will be had, I will be working :(

OK, so it's not a perfect night.  But once the Thunder have secured victory, it won't matter.  Game on.

No, make that Dank-Game on!