2010 Bengals - An Alternative History

When Michael Vick was released from prison in 2009, only two teams supposedly offered him a contract. The Eagles, who signed him for two years, then started the third quarterback on their roster, Kevin Kolb, while franchise quarterback Donovan McNabb was hurt, then trading McNabb, handing the starting job to Kolb only to see him lose it to Vick.

The other team was the Bengals, and right now I sadly wish we actually had Vick. Vick would have meant that last season when Carson hurt his thumb, it wouldn't have been necessary for him to play while hurt down the stretch when a playoff berth was all but guaranteed. Furthermore, the dual rushing threat of Vick and Benson (and Leonard and Scott, really) would have been fascinating.

This season, I would just love to have a decent backup to light a fire under Carson Palmer's ass. He obviously will never get benched for his brother, and post-training camp pickup Dan LeFevour is obviously a development project at best. In these games where Palmer is throwing multiple interceptions or losing multiple fumbles, wouldn't it be nice to see Vick coming in?

Having Vick would have also meant a somewhat different draft philosophy. The Bengals wouldn't have needed Jermaine Gresham with a scrambling QB, as that inside option is typically a dump off for quarterbacks who can't run for first downs. Cincinnati could have possibly targeted an offensive lineman in the first round (which they really, really need). I've grown to like Gresham after initially thinking it was a wasted draft pick, but a dominate O-lineman (like Andre Smith was supposed to be) is a bigger need right now.

Maybe the Bengals can pick up Vick in free agency next season while they continue to develop LeFevour. Paying Carson $11.5 million next season is starting to seem foolish, while Vick is playing better than ever when he isn't hurt.

Another [insert vulgarity] TV Show for Chad

Well Chad Ochocinco has another damn TV show. This is some sort of sports talk show he will co-host with teammate Terrell Owens. It's name?

The T.Ocho Show, of course!

Chad sort of describes it as being like ESPN's Pardon the Interruption, but "a lot more raw." Apparently so raw, the two also need an on-air mediator to keep things together.

According to an interview with Chad on FanHouse.com, the two will spend a half an hour a week discussing current sports topics (and probably totally random other stuff) on Versus. The show begins October 12th, but fans can get a sneak peak on September seventh on "The Daily Line." Oh that was yesterday? Well how about that, it's already on YouTube:



If you include two season of NFL football, in a 15 month span Chad has been on six different TV shows (Hard Knocks, 2009 NFL season, Dancing With the Stars, Ultimate Catch, 2010 NFL season & T.Ocho Show).

Honestly Chad, I love you and all, but there's definitely such a thing as spending too much time together.

In an unrelated story, Ron Artest still can't get his sorry ass TV show on the air.

Doushmandzadeh

After being released by the Seattle Seahawks there was a great deal of speculation about where former Bengals receiver TJ Houshmandzadeh would wind up. A return to Cincinnati was seen as a possibilty, although not particularly likely. There were rumors he'd go to Minnesota, the third team courting him in free agency last offseason. The Browns and Jets were listed as teams possibly targeting the talented malcontent. Last night the Raiders and the Redskins were supposedly the front runners for TJ's services.

But no. Housh signed with the Baltimore Ravens, Cincinnati's chief rival for the division crown in 2010. It was bad enough when Baltimore had former Bengals kicker Shayne "Where-da-party-at" Graham on their roster (who they eventually sent packing), but TJ

Housh was a hero in Cincinnati from 2005-2007, a starting wide receiver in what at the time was on the league's premier duos. It just isn't right to have to see him in the uniform of a division rival. Seeing him in a Seahawks jersey was one thing, and I even could have tolerated the Brown's signing him. But when Housh makes his return to Cincinnati with the Ravens week two, get ready for some loud booing.

[Indoor Practice] Field of Dreams

If you build it, they will come ... and stay.

Last season the Bengals' lack of an indoor practice facility became a public issue when the team embarrassingly had to travel 20+ miles up to Mason to use an indoor soccer field. Blogs like WhoDeyRevolution.com have noted for some time that Cincinnati is the Northernmost NFL team to not have such a facility, and given that football is played into December (if not January and February, knock on wood) it should be a no-brainer that inclement winter weather will interrupt practice sometimes in Southern Ohio. It is simply pathetic to take a team by bus to a soccer field. This is one of many reasons why Cincinnati has a long standing issue getting free agents to want to play for the Bengals.

Fast forward to 2010 and we find Head Coach Marvin Lewis in the final year of his contract after eight years with the team. It is no easy task to make the Mike Brown run Bengals into a success [see: 1991-2002] so anyone who thinks Lewis isn't crucial is dreaming.

But for once the chips are not on Mike Brown's side of the table. After a surprise 2010 playoff appearance and division championship, Lewis is in a position to make demands. Brown is a notoriously private owner, refusing to comment on negotiations with Lewis except to assure that they are ongoing. However it is widely assumed that Lewis would like more control over personnel decisions, if not the hiring of a General Manager not named Brown or Blackburn.

One nugget of negotiation that has emerged however (via James Walker of ESPN - the only ESPN journalist who has any clue about the Bengals) is that "an indoor practice facility appears to be one point of contention between Bengals ownership and . . . Lewis."

So the situation is eerily similar to the movie Field of Dreams. Mike Brown wants to honor his sports figure father's legacy (Paul Brown). He catches wind that good things will happen if he builds a field (the indoor practice facility). And if he builds it, they will come (good free agents, coaches, etc).

More accurately, if he builds it, he will stay. Surely Lewis will want more than just the indoor facility, but it would be an excellent start. Even if Lewis does not stay with the Bengals beyond the 2010 season, this is a step that still serves the long term interests of the team. Especially if the salary cap does not come back after this season, the Bengals will need to do everything they can to lure talent to remain competitive as one of the smaller market teams.

Enough useless talk already; Mike Brown, please just build the damn indoor practice field (of dreams).

Ready? Let's GO!

Football begins anew this coming Sunday when our beloved Cincinnati Bengals fight the hated Dallas Cowboys at the Hall of Fame game in Canton, OH. The season kick-off is accompianied by lots of HOF ceremonies, including the induction of the new class. This year's inductees include WR Jerry Rice, RB Emmit Smith and former Bengals/Steelers coach and Lions CB Dick LeBeau.

Anyway, it's always one of the worst football games of the year, as it's essentially an extra preseason game for each team. But it's still our first chance to catch the tigers in action, and if they can knock pretty boy Tony Romo on his ass once, it'll be worth it.

Here are the 6 things Mustache is looking forward to seeing this Sunday:

1. RB Bernard Scott - His name keeps getting dropped as a second year player to watch. He had a pretty solid rookie outing, with a hundred yard game against the Raiders and a kickoff return for touchdown against the Steelers. So if as the Bengals "change-0f-pace-back" and kick returner he is poised to have an even bigger year, I for one am excited.

2. LB/DE Michael Johnson - Another name that is consistently mentioned as a potential break-out player, the 6-7 third round pick from last season is earning a solid reputation. The team is actually moving him to a new position, linebacker, and despite the learning curve everyone seems to be impressed. It sounds like he could lead the team in sacks this season, even coming off the bench.

3. TE Jermaine Gresham - Finally in camp, everyone is excited to see what Gresham can add to this team. I'd put him higher, but given that he's only been practicing with the team for a few days it's unlikely he'll do much. We'll see though.

4. The Offensive Line - I'm not so much eager as nervous to watch this unit. The OL got a lot of praise last season for exceeding expectations, but that's because they were so low after the miserable 2008 campaign. In my opinion, this is the team's biggest weakness. OT Andre Smith, first round pick from last year, won't be playing, but let's hope the line can block without him. We'll probably have to get used to that scenario.

5. Wide Receiver Battle - there an enormous logjam at the WR position in Cincinnati, and from the sound of it everyone is bringing their A-game. Given that the first team usually only plays a few series in this somewhat meaningless game, the WRs on the roster bubble will likely play much of the game. Andre Caldwell and Jordan Shipley (11) are both practically locks to make the team, but it will be good to see Shipley in stripes for the first time as well as discovering if Caldwell is really "the most improved player" as Coach Lewis called him at one point. Also, Jerome Simpson has really been impressing, to the point where even national media (who trust me, don't really follow the Bengals closely) have noticed. Rookie Dezmon Briscoe (88), practice squad veteran Maurice Purify and free agent pick-up Matt Jones will also be showing their stuff, although I'm not sure any of those three will make the team. Oh, and there's this TO fellow!

6. Shit, who care what else. It's finally football season again (although the preseason is its own kind of torture). I just hope the game isn't hopelessly boring.

Going Favre Beyond the Call of Duty

I complained several months ago that Brett Favre needed to add some new wrinkles to his offseason playbook. In that post, I posited that "Favre-watch" is one of the most interesting things to happen in the otherwise dull and football-less offseason. So far this offseason had been a bust for one of football's greatest entertainers, and needless to say we here at Dank Game were dissapointed. Well maybe Brett reads Dank Game, because in the last couple of weeks he came through in a big way!

The difficulty with this offseason was that Brett was still under contract with the Minnesota Vikings, the only team he was at all likely to play for in 2010. Unlike in 2008, when the Packers made it clear they were hoping he stayed retired, or in 2009 when the Jets drafted a first round rookie quarterback and a new head coach, Favre couldn't cook up interest based on where he'd play. And the sole notion of if he'll play is an old storyline now. He's been reliving it for about six straight years.

But if you thought Favre was done keeping us guessing, you were dead wrong.

NFL's Biggest Collection of Jackasses?

Well, the Bengals done signed Terrell Owens. Owens doesn't have the best reputation as a teammate, though Mike Brown thought highly enough to make him a last minute addition to the team. And Cincinnati might now have the most jackass-filled roster in pro football, although it should be noted that the presence of Roethlisberger alone puts Pittsburgh way up there. On the bright side, they could very well join other jackass filled teams in Lombardi trophy history (1970's Steelers and Raiders, I'm looking at you).

So I'm taking a look at all the guys on the roster who seem like assholes. This isn't about arrests (Leon Hall is not on the list in spite of a DUI arrest last offseason for example), but I'm factoring some in.

Asshole index:

Adam Jones (CB) - HIGH - He has missed two entire seasons of football in a five year career because of off-the-field incidents - no, catastrophes. I'm honestly surprised he wasn't suspended for life. His most recent team, Dallas, hired around the clock security to keep him out of trouble and he ended up getting in a fight with a bodyguard. If he hadn't said and done all the right things since coming to Cincinnati (after sitting out last year and probably going broke making it rain too many times) I'd make a special category that only he and Ben Roethlisberger could fill.

Terrell Owens (WR) - HIGH - has called out the following teammates in public: Jeff Garcia (49ers), Donovan McNabb (Eagles) and Tony Romo (Cowboys). He has also claimed to have intentionally dropped passes when his team didn't include him enough in the game plan. He did however play nice in Buffalo last season.

NFC West Preview

Alright, let's get things rolling in the NFC division previews, starting in the West again. This division has basically been wide open since the Seahawks demise over the last three years. The Cardinals stepped in on the strength of the career Renaissance of quarterback Kurt Warner, but he retired this spring. The Rams were the top team in the league ten years ago, but won only a single game last season. That basically leaves the rising 49ers, with their top-tier defense and running game. But like each of these teams, San Francisco has serious question marks at quarterback. This is the only division where every team really has a chance to win the thing.

Division Winner: San Francisco 49ers

I think when it's all said and done, none of these teams will truly belong in the post season. But the closest to it will be the 49ers. Frank Gore is an excellent running back in his prime and head coach Mike Singletary has built the defense into a formidable unit. The big question is quarterback play. This team has been through seemingly dozens of starting quarterbacks just in the past few years including Bengals back-up J.T. O'Sullivan. Every other starting QB seems to be the nth chance for former number one overall pick Alex Smith. And once again Smith is penciled in to start the season under center. If his play is even halfway steady this season, San Francisco will win the division they nearly stole from the Cardinals last year. Nine wins ought to do it, sadly.

Division Runner-Up: Arizona Cardinals

Make no mistake, the Cardinals lost a lot since losing the Superbowl after the 2008 season. Losing Kurt Warner is the biggest blow, but they also lost two of their best defensive play-makers to free agency. The best things going for Arizona are that Ken Whisenhunt is still their head coach and there running game is poised to improve greatly in Beanie Wells' second year. The biggest question by far for this team is whether former first round draft pick Mat Leinart can finally have a breakthrough season. He's had nearly as many chances as Alex Smith, but arguably has enjoyed more success. There are also questions about whether the defense will survive the losses of Dansby and Rolle. I'm going with eight wins in a close race with the 49ers.

Division Third Place: St. Louis Rams

It's been a dismal three years for the once-proud Rams. They have won six games in three years and were the worst team in football last season. But there's a glimmer of hope with the acquisition of Heisman-winning quarterback Sam Bradford, the number one overall pick of this year's draft. While it's way to early to know if Bradford will pan out, the Rams do still have All Pro running back Steven Jackson moving the chains and Bradford will more than likely be an upgrade over the oft-injured and now departed Marc Bulger. This team should have enough pieces in place now to upgrade to four wins.

Division basement: Seattle Seahawks

The problem with the Seahawks is that after years of dominating this otherwise weak division, age has caught up to them. Now they have their third head coach in as many season, but still have Matt Hasselbeck at quarterback. He spent a good portion of each of the last two season injured, and the Seahawks have struggled to win more than a handful of games. I wouldn't expect much more of him this season. I'm guessing new coach Pete Carrol simply wasn't hot on any of this years QB prospects in the draft and is biding his time. This team also isn't particularly talented at the other offensive skill positions. Clearly a rebuilding year in Seattle, who I think will win all of three games.

AFC East Preview

Number four of Mustache's season preview, winding down the AFC in its Eastern division. This is clearly a three team race, with Buffalo down and out in an otherwise very strong division. The Patriots have the rings, the Jets have the defense and the Dolphins have a talented young quarterback and a very solid nucleus of young playmakers. This division will almost certainly yield two playoff berths.

Division Winner: Miami Dolphins

This is the underdog team of the East's big three, but ultimately that's why I think they'll succeed. Despite a serious rash of offseason arrests, the Dolphins have had back-to-back-to-back solid drafts under the guidance of Bill Parcels and made all the right moves in free agency this season. This is as balanced a team as you're likely to find, including back-up quarterback - the Dolphins are the only team in division, if not conference, that have a solid back up QB in former Jets and Dolphins starter Chad Pennington. Finishing third in their division last season, Miami has the softest schedule of the big three too. This will be a close race, but I think the Dolphins steal back the division with eleven wins.

Division Runner-Up: New York Jets

The Jets won nine regular season games and two playoff games last year on the strength of the league's best defense and a top-notch running game. And all with an error-prone rookie quarterback, Mark Sanchez. If he improves much at all this season the Jets should be back in the postseason. It's hard to imagine the defense will deteriorate much if any next season after such a dominate showing throughout last season. The Jets really only lost when Sanchez made too many mistakes. Through injury the team found its running back of the future in Shonn Greene. The only thing working against New York is free agency - they spent a lot of money on a lot of players who are supposedly post their primes. If even half of these guys can prove their skeptics wrong, New York is headed for at least ten wins and a very close race with the Dolphins

Division Third Place: New England Patriots

The Patriots just can't stay good forever, and I'm boldly predicting they miss the playoffs this season. Although they still have Tom Brady at QB, their defense has slowly fallen apart over the last few seasons and no longer resembles a Bill Belichick squad. While this team is still some ways off from being outright bad, like the Browns or Bills, one just gets the feeling that for the first time in a long time things aren't the way they have been in Bean Town. After watching the Ravens dismantle New England in last year's wildcard game in Foxborough, I can't give this team more than nine wins, and I'm actually only going to predict eight. Wishfull thinking? Maybe.

Division Basement: Buffalo Bills

If the Bills do any better than last place in the Eastern division, it will be a miracle. Their new coach, Chan Gailey, might have inherited the most helpless and talentless roster in the NFL this year. And I wouldn't say their draft converted any non-believers. Buffalo has the worst quarterback situation and possibly the worst offensive line in all of football. I haven't yet seen a prediction for Buffalo of even seven wins. And I'm only going to give them four. Nobody would be surprised if the Bills won the fewest games in the league this season.

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Other AFC previews:

West
South
North

AFC South Preview

For my third of eight NFL division by division previews I'm continuing my tour of the AFC with it's South division. Hosting the Superbowl losing Colts, as well as generally good teams in Tennessee and Houston, this will likely be a close contest. Even perennially underachieving Jacksonville could very well put together a surprisingly good team.

Last year I foolishly picked the Colts to miss the playoffs. And they only won fourteen games and made the Superbowl with a rookie head coach! So I will not bet against the Colts again this year. Like everyone else, I had the 2008 division winning Titans pretty high last year, and their six game losing streak to start last season now appears to have been an aberration. Both Tennessee and Jacksonville have game changing running backs, so it's possible to count them out. And Houston, not Indianapolis, New England or New Orleans, had the top passer in football last year.

Division Winner: Indianapolis Colts

The Colts are just going to be good until Peyton Manning isn't on the team anymore. I've come to accept this fact. Usually the team that loses the Superbowl misses the playoffs the following season, but I would be shocked really if the "Superbowl Hangover" afflicted this team that won fourteen games with a rookie head coach. The Colts have probably the worst running game of any contending team, but it rarely seems to matter for them. I wouldn't think they can win as many games again next year in an improved division, but they'll probably still hit twelve wins.

Division Runner-Up: Houston Texans

This team has progressed so slowly since entering the league in 2002 that you'd think you were reading about building an MLB team. But low and behold, the Texans finally posted their first winning season last year on the strength of quarterback Matt Schaub's league best throwing total. They also sported the best defense in the Division last season. Lead tackler (and former USC teammate of Rey Maualuga) linebacker Brian Cushing will be suspended for the beginning of the season, but their defense should at least keep them in position to win games. Like so many others, I'm predicting that the Texans finally make the playoffs this year, probably with ten wins and a wildcard berth.

Division Third Place: Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jaguars have had a lot of talent and even some postseason appearances over the last several season, but they never do well when the spotlight is on. After a division worst 7-9 record complete with a four game losing streak to end the season, the spotlight is very far off Jacksonville. This will work to their advantage, and as long as they have running back Maurice Jones-Drew they'll have a chance. They also get competent though not inspired quarterback play from David Garrard, and a defense that really could be a lot worse. As the only team in the division making significant draft picks, their defense should be improved with a possibly formidable defensive line. I'll pencil in the Jaguars for eights wins, but wouldn't be surprised if they end up a couple wins north or south of there.

Division Basement: Tennessee Titans

This is probably the ultimate sink-or-swim team in the 2010 football season. Although Chris Johnson is coming off an extremely rare 2,ooo yard rushing performance and quarterback Vince Young showed renewed life after being reinstated into the starting lineup last year, both face a lot of off the field adversity, especially in the form of their contracts. Vince Young is in the last year of his rookie deal and the team is reluctant to put a lot of long term money down on such a hot and cold QB. Chris Johnson set an NFL record for total yards from scrimmage last year and wants to get paid like it. To further complicate matters, their defense was terrible last year, so their performances will have to make up for it. If this team puts it together and Young and Johnson both have another magic season, this could be an eleven win team headed for the playoffs and lucrative contract extensions. Playing the odds however, it seems more likely they're headed to seven wins.

AFC North Preview

Fear not Ohio sports fans - they're are still two good Pro teams in Ohio. They just both happen to be in Cincinnati (yes, I'm counting a baseball team and yes it does feel a little dirty).

The AFC North is almost always a three team race, but this year I think the Steelers probably have too much to overcome to make a serious push at the division. No doubt the Ravens are a good team, but the Bengals topped them last year with a surpringly superior defense. Meanwhile, many facets of the Ravens are just getting old (Ray Lewis, Ed Reed), while the strengths of the Bengals' defense are young. While both teams attempted to improve their weak spots in the draft and free agency, I think the Bengals Defensive Line, wide receivers and tight ends improved much more than Baltimore's secondary, wide receivers and tight ends.

Division Winner: Cincinnati Bengals

The Bengals are essentially returning the Division winning team from last season minus the broken parts (LS Brad St. Louis, WR L. Coles, and they drafted a TE who will definitely replace Dan Coats). They picked up two wide receivers who will probably each be more productive than Coles in veteran Antonio Bryant and rookie Jordan Shipley, the Texas Longhorn's record holder for most catches. Plus last year's number four ranked defense returned EVERYBODY. With mostly solid draft picks and improved health thus far I see the Bengals taking 11 wins despite a brutal schedule. Ten might be enough for the division again this year however, as every team is looking at an uphill climb schedule-wise.

Division Runner-Up: Baltimore Ravens

This team received a lot of praise for the draft and free agent acquisitions. I can't say I don't agree with the speculation, but most of those writing off the Bengals can only point to an historic inability to repeat success. Oh, I'm supposed to be talking about the Ravens. They'll be good, but I think their defense will decline a little this year and I sincerely doubt their offense will take the step so many seem to expect. Flacco is still quite young, Boldin is a great wide receiver and a good addition, but they don't have a true number one like Cincy has in Chad Ochocinco, and TE Todd Heap is getting pretty old. Oh, and they have as bad a pair of starting cornerbacks as you're likely to come across in the NFL. Good team - good enough for nine, maybe ten wins against this schedule. It will depend on the rest of the Conference to see if that's good enough for another wild card berth.

Division Third Place: Pittsburgh Steelers

The Iron City has had as rough an offseason as you can imagine. Rapistbergergate led to a suspension of their starting quarterback and they lost a key member of their already porous offensive line for the year when RT Willie Colon tore his Achilles. They brought back Byron Leftwich to fill in at QB, but he'll probably get sacked about 20 times (30 if Ben's suspension does last the full six games instead of the optional four). In the meantime, Pittsburgh has done very little to upgrade their team. They had some decent draft picks, but it seems like their team is regressing while Cincinnati and Baltimore are rising. Given the Steelers seem to post respectable records even when bad, I'll give them seven wins, but the Browns may be closer than they're willing to admit.

Division Basement: Cleveland Browns

Fucking Cleveland. There's not much to say about Cleveland's chances this year. They're not good. They scrapped together five wins by grace of God last year, mostly at the end of the season against other teams already out of postseason contention. Every time this team takes one step forward it takes two steps backward. The phrase "rebuilding project" has hovered around ever since they returned as an expansion in the '90s. I'd like to think they're moving in the right direction this time, but the jury is very much still out on rookie QB Colt McCoy and second year RB Jerome Harrison. It'll be another long year in Cleveland, and against this schedule four wins could be expected but no more.

Let the Speculation Commence - AFC West Preview

I've already half- (but only half!) jokingly picked the Bengals as 2010 NFL champions. But since this part of the NFL calendar is exceptionally slow, I've decided to go ahead and start division by division previews. For no particular reason, I'm starting in the AFC West.

Last year the Broncos unexpectedly pulled to the front of the division with a 6-0 start. They more or less proved that streak to be a fluke when they won only two games the entire rest of the season. The Chargers have held the AFC West for several years now, with the last Division champion being a very different Broncos team in 2005. And with Kansas City in the middle (or possibly even beginning) of what looks to be a lengthy rebuilding project and the Oakland Raiders still being owned by "Count" Al Davis, it will be an uphill climb for anyone to unseat San Diego.

Division Winner: San Diego Chargers

Unless quarterback Phillip Rivers goes down, the Chargers will win the AFC West for a fifth straight year. They have arguably been on a slow decline since their stunning 14-2 2006 season, but not nearly slow enough for the rest of the weak division to catch up. Their defense might not be elite, but when the offense routinely scores thirty points per game it doesn't need to be. They took a running back in the first round as their projected starter, and he'll be put in a good situation. Ten wins should be enough to take the division, but I wouldn't be surprised if they hit eleven or twelve.

Division Runner-Up: Oakland Raiders

I'm not sure any team in football has done more to improve their roster this offseason than Oakland. And a big chunk of that improvement was just giving up on former first overall draft pick JaMarcus Russell. Replacing that quarterback will be former Redskins starter Jason Campbell, who unlike Russell has actually proved why people keep saying he has potential. I think the move will benefit both the franchise and Campbell and the Raiders may actually prove competitive this year. A wild-card berth still seems pretty unlikely though; Raiders fans should be happy to hit seven or eight wins.

Division Third Place: Denver Broncos

I still don't believe Josh McDaniels is a good head coach. After he somehow pulled together an excellent first half-season with somewhat mediocre talent last year, the team tanked big time to end the season. And then they drafted Tim Tebow - in the first round. Tebow will probably take several years to develop, if indeed he ever does and with a team that proved somehow able to win now, why not let Kyle Orton continue quarterbacking and get a player that can come in a contribute right away. Had the Broncos approached their draft and free agency differently I easily could have placed them second making a run at first. Instead I expect about six or seven wins.

Division Basement: Kansas City Chiefs

This team wisely has a serious youth movement going on. No one thought the shell of the once mighty early aughts Chiefs team was going anywhere fast, so they surrounded their young quarterback with young talent to develop. It will take a few more years for Kansas City to make any real noise, but they're probably only a season or two away from getting out of the division cellar. If the Browns managed to win five games last year, the Chiefs should be able to replicate the feat in 2010.

Offseason Bengals Arrests Now At Three

It's not a "spree" just yet, but it's getting there:

I'm way late to report this, but Bengals starting running back Cedric Benson was recently arrested. This makes three arrests of Bengals players since the end of the season in January.

I detailed the first arrest in great fear after linebacker Rey "I finally remember how to spell his last name without looking it up" Maualuga's DUI arrest in Covingtion, KY. I specifically feared a 2006-esque Bengals crime spree.

Then Maurice "I'm sure you don't know who I'm talking about" Purify was arrested for assault or something. I don't remember for sure what the charge was, and I don't feel like looking it up. His chances of making the team next year were next to nothing before the arrest, as he was a practice squad project for a year and half and then made the roster for about three games.

But now with Benson's arrest I'm getting a little edgy. It's a weird story. Basically, he was accosted at a bar in Austin, Texas (He was a Longhorn in his college years) and possibly retaliated with a punch. The facts are very much contradictory right now, but every day it seems more and more likely he'll escape prosecution and hopefully even a suspension. Still, it's disheartening that a guy who's career was once derailed by trouble with law (two DUI's in one year) is still putting himself in bad situations.

The one thing going for Benson here is that it took a full month for charges to be pressed against the star player and that no two people seem to have their stories straight. The unfortunate thing for Cedric is that the ongoing investigation has completely derailed contract talks with the Bengals. Benson's contract ends after the season.

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To end this post on a positive, I'd like to let readers who aren't aware that Maualuga has been widely reported as talking about his DUI arrest and subsequent clinical treatment for alcoholism as a complete success. He says he hasn't had a single alcoholic drink since January, that he's in the best shape of his life, and that Chad Ochocinco helped keep him on the straight and narrow with his patented Red Bull and cranberry juice concoction.

Now if only Ron Artest could get him down with orange slices and winning championships too.

Did Carson and Chad Lose Each Other's Phone Numbers?

For the second off season in a row Bengals quarterback "Uncle" Carson Palmer and wide receiver Chad "Fred Astaire Can Kiss My Ass" Ochocinco are exchanging words via the press. And once again the two aren't exchanging words via a traditional phone call, e-mail or even the USPS.

It makes you wonder if the two haven't simply misplaced each others phone numbers.

Obviously Palmer wishes Chad would pack up his dancing shoes and come back to Cincinnati (it's so lovely in the summertime - all the drunk shirtless Kentuckians roaming the various downtown beer and sausage festivals). According to ProFootballTalk, Carson believes "the team is constructing the biggest overhaul of the team's passing game of his career." So you'd assume the team's number one receiver would want to be there.

But Uncle Carson knows that simple logic won't work on a lunatic that changed his last name to two Spanish numbers. He has to make it into some sort of public challenge. So forget the phone call - Carson just tells the media, according to a tweet by reporter Josh Katzowitz, that perhaps the Bengals are "trying to find a new No. 1 receiver, because it's hard to work your offense w/out that guy." Harsh words for Ochocinco's ears, as he would not relinquish a starting spot gracefully.

But Chad took the challenge more as a spar of wits (read: schoolyard diss session) and struck back the only way he knows how - electronic communications excluding telephones that aren't connected to ESPN. From his Twitter account (OGOchoCinco):

• About Carson Palmer -- I missed what my quarterback said about me not being at OTA'S -- they aren't even mandatory -- he misses Ochocinco -- cute!
• tell Carson when I see him I'm gonna Hulk Hogan leg drop his ass then tie him to the goalpost and throw wet toilet paper at him.

At some point though Chad kicked it into a lower gear, stating on a phonecall to ESPN's NFL Live, "I think Carson is right, when I come back I want to be at my best, I have a commitment to be in tip top shape, I understand where he's coming from, I'm going to be there as soon as possible."

But the root of the whole problem (aside from the football perspective, which this post is only moderately interested in) is the telephone. Another Chad quote from NFL Live proves the most illuminating, but I made you read this whole article to get to it(!): "[Uncle Carson] never calls my phone, this is his way of talking to me."

Hopefully they remember to exchange numbers at the Mandatory minicamp later this month.

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Other Bengals News:

The party apparently is in Baltimore; Shayne "Where-da-party-at?" Graham is now a Raven. So hopefully he'll ruin their season by missing a clutch kick. Doesn't he owe Cincinnati that much?

The Bengals kicker, incidently, will probably be former Ohio State Buckeyes/New York Jets/some-other-teams-for-like-10-minutes-that-I-don't-feel-like-looking-up Mike "I Wish My Name Was Ted" Nugent, who happens to hail from my hometown. Do not feel any need be excited by this.

Wait, the Bengals Are Good Now?

The national media will always hate the Bengals. The Browns, Ravens and especially the Steelers have so many homers that for most pundits the 2006 crime spree is the only thing the Bengals conjure. But those who actually follow the Bengals closely have all reluctantly started to admit that this team is looking really good.

Just about every local Bengals publication I puruse with any regularity (with the sole exception of CBSsports) has Cincinnati poised to repeat a winning season and a playoff berth. Of course every team is optimistic after the draft, not knowing just how much production they'll get from their rookies and dreaming about the best. But Bengals fans are not the most optimistic of NFL fans - in fact outside of maybe Detroit they're probably the most pessimistic.

So it really means something when some Bengals beat writers actually give the team credit. And if every other blog in town is going to write a Bengals-to-the-Superbowl? article in May, I will not be left out. So let's look at some examples of what others are saying.

Cincyjungle.com has run posts from practically all of their writers with the proclaimation that the Bengals are poised to repeat a successful season, and in theory will be even better than last year. Pat Kirwin of NFL.com believes the Bengals are a "Tier 2" team, meaning that they should make the playoffs. Even WhoDeyRevolution, who exist to insist that owner Mike Brown shouldn't make football decisions for his team, have admitted that the Bengals, somehow, are good. I could go on.

Could Science Explain Rapistberger's Actions?

I suppose you could mark this one under the Dank Game conspiracy files. As you are undoubtedly aware, I have not shied from Steeler-related conspiracies in the past.

Well, here's some background if you need it:

The starting quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers, Ben Roethlisberger, keeps going around raping women, crashing motorcycles and generally acting like an asshole. Even after winning two Superbowls with the team, even the often incompetent Pittsburgh citizenry is getting tired of Ben's antics. Ultimately, Ben has been suspended for the first six games of the 2010 season.

I'll cut to a quick Steel Legends (one of Pittsburgh's finest) to explain what this means for the Steelers:

The most interesting thing about Rapistberger-Gate isn't so much how much of terrible of a person Ben really is. What's fascinating is that people are trying to hard to figure out WHY he's such a turd. After his 2006 motorcycle accident and multiple on-field concussions some think that head trauma is at least in part responsible for his more sociopathic actions.

A Face Only Pittsburgh Could Love

I'm not going to bother getting into the specifics, but for the second offseason in a row, Ben Roethlisberger has made rape charges more or less go away. Maybe he didn't do it, maybe it was consensual, whatever. I do want to type Rapistberger once, but if I am to respect the letter of the law I must point out that Big Ben was never proven guilty.

However, look at this fucking picture. Jesus Christ, the only fatter starting quarterback in this league has got be JaMarcus Russell, and I'm thinking Ben could give him a run for his money. Then there's his hair. Did he comb it with a fork and crisco on his way out of the Waffle House?

This is the press conference where he apologized to Pittsburgh fans! He could shave? He couldn't iron his shirt? At least he's wearing a belt, although it is a bit sad he needed cue cards for his apology.

Good God man, pull it together. Maybe that motorcycle accident from a few year ago knocked the brain out of his head.

Favre Needs New Wrinkles For Offseason Playbook

I'll be the first to admit it. I like what Brett Favre has added to the last few years' NFL offseason. Let's face it, nothing else is going on (except - yawn - baseball).

The last three years it seemed all anyone in the media could talk about was whether or not Favre would come back for another year. But although Brett has not yet committed to playing football in 2010, no one seems to care. Well Teenage_Mustache cares. Favre just needs some new ideas to keep offseason interest piqued.

The problem is the now-familiar pattern. We hear almost nothing from Favre after the season, save maybe a quick half-hearted retirement. Then rumblings emerge that he has started leaning toward playing again, often creating problems for the team currently carrying his contract. Then once training camp is largely over, Favre reports to play for whomever he signs on with. This pattern is so widely assumed now, and he played so well with the Vikings last year, that the media and fans simply expect this to happen.

Despite this, Favre has done nothing to build anticipation for either playing or potentially hanging up his cleats for the 2010 season. Maybe he's too busy with his new grandchild - that's right, Brett Favre is a 40-year-old grandfather. Or maybe he's too busy playing pick-up football games with those Wrangler-wearing good-old-boys. Or maybe he really is just sitting around on a tractor in Mississippi.

Whatever is occupying Favre's time though, he needs to start thinking about occupying other people's time. Brett needs to make other people keep guessing what his next move is. Perhaps he should take up minor league baseball or dogfighting or fighting fans at NBA games. After all, those activities certainly drummed up media flurries for other star athletes. I simply don't have the answer, as I am not the entertainer that No. 4 is.

Well, whatever Favre is doing, he'd better start making noise after the draft. Because that's when the offseason gets really boring.

Me No Longer Responsible for Correctly Spelling Coles' First Name

Per ProfootballTalk.com, wide receiver Lavornius (sic) Coles is no longer a Bengal. And I'm off the hook for spelling his ridiculous first name correctly.

Due a huge roster bonus tomorrow (the first day of the league year), the Bengals decided to cut ties with Lewvarnoose (sic) Coles. After a surprisingly unproductive first year with the team in 2009, Lowvairineese (sic) simply wasn't worth his large contract for 2010. The move ideally puts Cincinnati in the market for one of the other free agent wide receivers on the market. Names include Terrell Owens, Kevin Walter, and Antonio Bryant - all guys that could easily have better years with the Bengals than Loewveeranus (sic) did.

Today also marked the deadline to put tenders on restricted free agents. All you need to know is that the Bengals did nothing to keep tight ends J.P. Foschi and Daniel Coats or defensive tackle Shaun Smith. My bet is that J.P. Foschi ends up back on the team playing for the league minimum. This is much cheaper than offering a restricted free agent tender, but the team runs the risk of losing Foschi to another team for no compensation. This really isn't much of risk, as he isn't very good.

Kudos for the Bengals for applying tenders to players who actually deserve them and not to those who don't. And kudos for getting rid of Leaveroomforanus (sic) Coles.

Also, tomorrow is the beginning of free agency, so hopefully you'll see a headline tomorrow like "Bengals sign tons of great players." Don't count on it though.

The Start of a Bengal's 2010 Crime Spree?

Rey Maualuga was arrested for DUI in Covington, KY in January 2010, the first Bengal arrested in the 2010 offseason. It was also the first Bengal brush with the law since Leon Hall's DUI in the 2009 offseason. This was an isolated incident for a team which had mostly been on good behavior since the end of the dreadful 2006 campaign. I'm getting a different vibe about this offseason though.

Following Maualuga's arrest he enrolled in the Betty Ford clinic. Let's hope he recovers, and maybe that could be the end of Cincinnati's legal troubles in 2010. But then the Bengals signed Matt Jones and kicked the tires of Pacman Jones. I don't necessarily like where this is going. I've looked the other way many times on questionable character signings, but after the Maualuga incident, I'm more worried than normal.

Well, I'm probably drawing too much into this, but Keith Rivers - teammate with Maualuga at USC and now in Cincinnati - tweeted today that he's "been driving fast lately[;] 140 on the dial!!! keep that on the low though[,] not exactly street legal."

Let me state that I like Rivers. He's typically a do-his-job, keep quiet kind of guy. He doesn't get in trouble with the law, and he doesn't do ridiculous celebrations or demand to be on camera all the time. He apparently doesn't understand that a public Twitter account isn't exactly "on the low," but I'll forgive him of that.

However, the fact of the matter is that he is a black man with a lot of money (via being the 9th overall pick in the 2008 draft) living in Los Angeles. And this makes him vulnerable to the notoriously crooked LA police. I assume based on the speed of the vehicle and the payday that he is driving something nicer than a 2003 Pontiac Sunfire. If he gets pulled over going well north of 100, you can practically see dirty LAPD planting bags of Cocaine in his ride.

Long story short, then Cincinnati would be without two of starting linebackers opening day!

Again, I'm probably drawing way too much into this. It could even just be an inside joke. But I am worried about this team. And the offseason boredom has already got to me, to the point where I'm playing "who's next?"