Did Carson and Chad Lose Each Other's Phone Numbers?

For the second off season in a row Bengals quarterback "Uncle" Carson Palmer and wide receiver Chad "Fred Astaire Can Kiss My Ass" Ochocinco are exchanging words via the press. And once again the two aren't exchanging words via a traditional phone call, e-mail or even the USPS.

It makes you wonder if the two haven't simply misplaced each others phone numbers.

Obviously Palmer wishes Chad would pack up his dancing shoes and come back to Cincinnati (it's so lovely in the summertime - all the drunk shirtless Kentuckians roaming the various downtown beer and sausage festivals). According to ProFootballTalk, Carson believes "the team is constructing the biggest overhaul of the team's passing game of his career." So you'd assume the team's number one receiver would want to be there.

But Uncle Carson knows that simple logic won't work on a lunatic that changed his last name to two Spanish numbers. He has to make it into some sort of public challenge. So forget the phone call - Carson just tells the media, according to a tweet by reporter Josh Katzowitz, that perhaps the Bengals are "trying to find a new No. 1 receiver, because it's hard to work your offense w/out that guy." Harsh words for Ochocinco's ears, as he would not relinquish a starting spot gracefully.

But Chad took the challenge more as a spar of wits (read: schoolyard diss session) and struck back the only way he knows how - electronic communications excluding telephones that aren't connected to ESPN. From his Twitter account (OGOchoCinco):

• About Carson Palmer -- I missed what my quarterback said about me not being at OTA'S -- they aren't even mandatory -- he misses Ochocinco -- cute!
• tell Carson when I see him I'm gonna Hulk Hogan leg drop his ass then tie him to the goalpost and throw wet toilet paper at him.

At some point though Chad kicked it into a lower gear, stating on a phonecall to ESPN's NFL Live, "I think Carson is right, when I come back I want to be at my best, I have a commitment to be in tip top shape, I understand where he's coming from, I'm going to be there as soon as possible."

But the root of the whole problem (aside from the football perspective, which this post is only moderately interested in) is the telephone. Another Chad quote from NFL Live proves the most illuminating, but I made you read this whole article to get to it(!): "[Uncle Carson] never calls my phone, this is his way of talking to me."

Hopefully they remember to exchange numbers at the Mandatory minicamp later this month.

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Other Bengals News:

The party apparently is in Baltimore; Shayne "Where-da-party-at?" Graham is now a Raven. So hopefully he'll ruin their season by missing a clutch kick. Doesn't he owe Cincinnati that much?

The Bengals kicker, incidently, will probably be former Ohio State Buckeyes/New York Jets/some-other-teams-for-like-10-minutes-that-I-don't-feel-like-looking-up Mike "I Wish My Name Was Ted" Nugent, who happens to hail from my hometown. Do not feel any need be excited by this.

The Ultimate Catch

Attention VH1 reality TV show fans / Cincinnati Bengals fans. The two entertainment powerhouses have teamed up to bring you the reality dating show that is now (and I assume finally) titled Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch.

Originally the show was going to be called The Tournament with Ochocinco, but the producers were scared away by my sample artwork. Anyway, in the time since the show was announced, my interest has waned enormously. The thing is, in the time since Ocho appeared on the over-rated Dancing With the Stars, I realized that I don't like VH1 reality shows. Furthermore, most avid Bengals fans probably don't like them either.
Here's a Venn Diagram expressing my point. It may not be a scientific, but I figure it's fairly accurate.

So I'll give you the newest details of the show in the event that you're still reading. The Ocho will be dating 85 women, quickly whittling the pool down to 16. These sixteen women will live in a "huge Los Angeles mansion," which could technically be one of the run down old mansions in South Central. Just sayin'

He will then pair up the women for some sort of competitive dating. Naturally one of the women will go home at the end of each of these. There will be 10 episodes this summer, running from July until the week before the regular season starts.

As bad as this show will probably be, at least it can serve as an unofficial count down until football season begins.

Wait, the Bengals Are Good Now?

The national media will always hate the Bengals. The Browns, Ravens and especially the Steelers have so many homers that for most pundits the 2006 crime spree is the only thing the Bengals conjure. But those who actually follow the Bengals closely have all reluctantly started to admit that this team is looking really good.

Just about every local Bengals publication I puruse with any regularity (with the sole exception of CBSsports) has Cincinnati poised to repeat a winning season and a playoff berth. Of course every team is optimistic after the draft, not knowing just how much production they'll get from their rookies and dreaming about the best. But Bengals fans are not the most optimistic of NFL fans - in fact outside of maybe Detroit they're probably the most pessimistic.

So it really means something when some Bengals beat writers actually give the team credit. And if every other blog in town is going to write a Bengals-to-the-Superbowl? article in May, I will not be left out. So let's look at some examples of what others are saying.

Cincyjungle.com has run posts from practically all of their writers with the proclaimation that the Bengals are poised to repeat a successful season, and in theory will be even better than last year. Pat Kirwin of NFL.com believes the Bengals are a "Tier 2" team, meaning that they should make the playoffs. Even WhoDeyRevolution, who exist to insist that owner Mike Brown shouldn't make football decisions for his team, have admitted that the Bengals, somehow, are good. I could go on.

Dancing With the Stars Review

That's right. Teenage Mustache watched Monday night's debut episode of this season's Dancing With the Stars. I did it for one reason only - Chad Ochocinco!

My complete review is basically, 'This show sucks.' Thank God Chad was on first, as it meant I didn't have to watch the whole thing.

I had never seen any previous episode of any previous season of DWTS, despite a regular NFL presence. I generally find competition style reality shows to be generic and lame. DWTS did not change my opinion in that regard. Can someone explain to me why Americans feel we can only be judged accurately by Europeans?

Anyway, Chad is clearly taking the show seriously and putting in a lot of effort. I hope he does well, but more than that I wish they'd just put him on camera more.

If any of you were wondering if I plan on watching more episodes, my answer is maybe if Chad makes it to the finals. But even then, I'll probably just read about it online or something.

Funny Bengals Tweets Vol. I

I left out Ochocinco (OGOchoCinco) since his Twitter account is basically a constant best-of-twitter. But here's the best of what the rest of the team has recently offered.

Tank Johnson (TankJohnson99) had the following to offer:

• Watching white folks eat fried chicken may be one of my most enjoyable things to do! Its like a 5 year old w a rubicks cube!
• The don't [know] where to start or when its all done lmao! My best friend is white so I'm NOT racist! Its just very funny!
• The dismay on they face makes it soooo funny! Do I bite it, use a fork, no a spoon, let's watch Tank.
• Let's not take this outta context we talkin bout chicken mane! Chic chic chicken mane! I challenge everyone to observe and report!
  

Former Bengals right tackle Willie Anderson (WillAnderson79) noted:

• BIGGE and SHAQ stater the BIG Man is In Campaign in the early 90's. They put us on the map! Lol BIG Men rule now! Lol
• Men should make up a holiday call "REAL MEN'S DAY" For all the REAL MEN Out here that do what their supposed to Do! Lol
• And Hell Yes we expect gifts! Lol

Linebacker Keith Rivers (rivers55) made the observations:

• everyone like pulp fiction but I guess not very many fans of hollywood shuffle*

*link added by me

Linebacker Dhani Jones (DhaniJones), referencing his "Dhani Tackles the Globe" show for the Travel Channel, suggested:

• Send me to space... How about a petition to send me to the moon or anywhere else for that matter
• "Dhani Tackles Space"

Former linebacker David Pollack (davidpollack47), watching the NCAA basketball tournament observed:

• Purdue vs Duke I can't say I'm looking forward to that to much. Alot of white men that can't jump on that floor
• White men can't jump was on TV today and man do I love that movie. I never watch the ending though bc it's way to depressing

Until next time, same Dank time, same Dank place

And You Thought Howard Stern Was the King of All Media

Two offseasons ago, Chad Johnson went on a tirade against the Cincinnati Bengals, trying to force a trade out of town.  Eventually, he changed his last name to Ochocinco.

Last offseason the Ocho discovered Twitter and UStream and took up a well publicized boxing regiment while looking forward to starring in HBO's Hard Knocks.

This offseason Chad has apparently decided to conquer reality television.  According to ProFootballTalk.com, Chad will not only compete in Dancing With the Stars but will host a VH1 dating show tentatively titled The Tournament.

I tracked down the details, via ESPN.go.com:  The first 10 episodes will feature Ochocinco finding 85 women interested in dating him, which will then be whittled down to sixteen lucky ladies.  Specifically there will be four from each region of the country.  So it's kind of like a March Madness bracket.  That must be why it's called The Tournament.

Another fun fact: When Chad chooses a girl to advance he gives them a "game ball."

Now some fun quotes from Executive Vice President of VH1 Jeff Olde, via ESPN.go.com:

"Ochocinco is one of the most electrifying individuals in sports today.  His bigger-than-life personality on- and off-the-field and his notorious skills as a social networker, connecting daily with his fans, makes him a perfect fit for VH1.

"This Show will not only give viewers a look inside his professional life, but also reveal his softer more romantic side when playing a very different kind of game."

Well I can't imagine not watching it now!

Surefire Gambling Tips - DWTS

Dancing With the Stars has become something just short of a major cultural phenomenon on American television.  So much so that Vegas now offers odds on who will win the damn thing.

Now, I've never watched the show, but I know that several NFL players have competed and done well in prior seasons of DWTS.  I specifically recall hearing about Jason Taylor and Jerry Rice.

Well, BoDog.com has posted their odds on this season.  Chad Ochocinco has received the third best odds of winning, coming in at 5/1.  I think all us Ocho fans know that a fool's ransom could be made by putting money on the "Black Mexican."  

Let's put it this way:  The only two contestants with better odds are Evan Lysacek and Erin Andrews.  I've never even heard of these people.  The longest odds go to Kate (minus Jon + 8) Gosselin and Buzz Aldrin (who is 80, but would probably win if the contest was held on the moon), both at 15/1.

My second favorite contestant is Niecy Nash, perhaps best know for playing Reneesha on Reno 911.  Her odds are 10/1, which seem high considering how much ass she'll have to move around the dancefloor.

So take if from me - a guy who's never seen the show.  Ochocinco is your horse, just like the time he raced a horse.

Lastly, I have to post this some time even though I don't know what the fuck it is.  I heard it might be part of some Reebok campaign. Enjoy.

Bailando con la Ocho

Rough translation: Dancing with the Ocho.

As you probably already know, Chad Ochocinco will be joining this Spring's cast of ABC's Dancing with the Stars.  After watching Hard Knocks with the Bengals last season, this actually seems really unexciting.  But you take what you can get as a writer in the offseason.

I've never watched the show before, but I would consider possibly watching a little of it this season.  And look who shares my predicament; Carson Palmer.  Said Palmer of Chad joining the hit show, "I've never seen it before.  But I'll be a fan of it now because I'm a fan of his."

Coach Marvin Lewis also gave his blessing.  He knew Chad probably wouldn't come to the voluntary workouts he'll be missing for the show anyway, and he noted that this will keep him in shape.

Chad's dancing partner on the show will be Cheryl Burke.  A quick Google search revealed to me that she is a professional dancer who has twice before won the show.  Chad described her as tough and beautiful with a will to win and a great personality.  So good luck Chad.

And if you think this is the only dance/music thing Chad has been up to lately, you are sorely mistaken.  Chad also recently appeared in a music video for R&B chanteuse Monica.  Naturally, it is posted below.

The video appears to center around Chad and Monica almost getting divorced, but then they don't.  They also have a daughter, who maybe also got kidnapped by the woman that is stalking Chad or something.  Also, Chad is shirtless for a while.  Well, enjoy.

Finally The Ocho Does Something Else Dank Game Worthy

At long last! The king of the NFL circus returns with something interesting. In this case it's not particularly interesting, but it did allow me to do some ridiculous Photoshopping, so I won't complain.

As I noted in an earlier post, Chad Ochocinco has been lobbying his team to get pending free agent wide receiver Terrell Owens to Cincinnati next season. This went as far as TO "promising" to change his name to Ocho Uno if he winds up a Bengal since he wears number 81. It sounded like mostly a joke, so the story pretty much left the minds of the media.

But perhaps you're forgetting that now that he has a Twitter account, Ochocinco thinks he is a member of the media as the OCNN. And he was not going to let the issue die, as much as the Bengals front office probably wishes it would.

And then ESPN NFL insider Adam Schefter entered the ring with his own Twitter account. Schefter tweeted that "OCNN missed on T.O. to Bengals. Not Happening. Hey, get in line, Ocho. It has happened to all of us." Schefter was probably kind in actually implying OCNN was a media network and not a way for a player to try to force his hand, but the Ocho considered it a slam nonetheless.

So naturally he responded via a tweet. Directed at Schefter, Ocho believes the two "can settle this all ESPN analyst to all OCNN analyst in PAINTBALL WAR." The image featured depicts what I believe this would look like.

His arms probably wouldn't be white, but I got a little lazy about it. The ridiculous looking helmet was part of the original image.

Can't think of a pun with T.O. in it

Straight from Superbowl week in Miami (Chad Ochocinco's home town): Jay Glazer reported via a tweet that Ochocinco believes that Terrel Owens might be headed to Cincinnati for the 2010 season.

TO was once a top five receiver, but is now in the twillight of his career. He played on a one year deal last season in Buffalo putting up mediocre numbers for the first time since his rookie season. Then again, his quarterbacks were Trent Edwards and Ryan "Crazylegs" Fitzpatrick, so that may have been part of the problem.

This is not the first time Ochocinco has linked himself with TO. In 2008, when Chad was trying to get himself traded out of Cincinnati, he suggested going to Dallas, then TO's team. I don't feel like looking up the exact quote, but he implied that it would be extremely entertaining.

However, a trade to Dallas never looked likely. The Bengals simply weren't willing to trade Chad, and I doubt the Cowboys were interested. This time around, the move seems much much more plausible. The Ocho went as far as to say that "he's sure of it," according to Glazer. Chad even posted a picture of himself and TO in Miami on his Twitter account.

As I wrote a few weeks ago, the Bengals need another solid threat at wide receiver. Although I didn't consider TO at the time, he is still a serviceable WR, especially paired with 85. The biggest drawback is TO's reputation of being a poison in the locker room. However, no serious reports came out of Buffalo depicting him in the negative. Also, it's impossible to believe that Bengals owner Mike Brown would worry about this anyway.

So we may just get Terrell Owens in stripes next season. Take if for what it's worth.

Update:

Chad tweeted this morning, directed at Owens, "bruh pack yo bags and head to cincy damit, see you in training camp, one goal in mind superbowl."

Need a reason to watch the Pro Bowl?

So people actually like the NBA and MLB all-star games. And for good reason - it's the best players in the league trying to one-up each other. The NFL has a little problem - it's called the Pro Bowl.

The thing is, injury is too much a risk in football. Players who are already beaten up after a long season don't want to exert themselves further. In the past the NFL tried to battle this lethargy by playing the game a month after the Superbowl to rest players. And they played the game in Hawaii, hoping the free trip would entice the NFL's best and brightest to it's annual all-star game.

This approach had one fatal problem though - No one is looking for football in early spring. Sadly, us football fans have moved onto other things. Even those that haven't are already thinking about next season and the upcoming draft.

So the league decided they should move the Pro Bowl to a week before the Superbowl to help its ratings. And they're playing it in Miami for reasons that aren't very clear to me. The result is that no one playing in the Superbowl can play in the Pro Bowl as they prepare for the big game. That's right, no one from the two best teams in the league can play in the all-star game - that makes a lot of sense.

But there's more. Because the season just ended, a lot of players are banged up - especially those from playoff teams. So the number of players that have dropped out of the Pro Bowl or declined to be named as an alternate is astonishing.

So I'll finally cut to the chase: why bother watching the Pro Bowl this year?

Up until this morning, I didn't have an answer for you. But I should have had more faith in Chad Ochocinco (that is still his name right - I'm expecting that to change back to Johnson or to something else any day now).

According to Chad's twitter account (AKA OCNN) and Profootballtalk.com, Chad has promised to kick field goals and even PUNT in the Pro Bowl. And that he's been practicing both all week. In fact, he claims he's good for field goals up to 48 yards.

Personally, I've seen an extra point and a kickoff from him. I'd love to see a punt though!

Glen Uno Uno Davis? Really?

Let's admit it:  Ocho Cinco is a stupid nickname.  But Chad has so much charisma that he makes his D+ Spanish 101 endearing.  I can hardly imagine Glen "Big Baby" Davis can do the same.

But after hearing our own Dank Game post about his supposed new nickname becoming "Uno Uno" in homage to Ochocinco, I began to imagine the horrors if this homage goes any further.  For Example, will Chad's infamous Mohawk from 2006 be sitting atop Davis' big baby head anytime soon?  If it does, it will look the image to the right.

Here's a question - given that most pro teams are located in big cities, and most big cities have Hispanic populations anymore, why is it Cincinnati and Boston where we've got players doing Spanish-related nonsense?  Why not in a city like LA, Chicago, New York, or Miami?

Do you trust this man?

If you're not following Chad Ochocinco's Twitter account by now, you're missing out.

The most ridiculous thing about him this season is that for every joke, touchdown celebration, or challenge that comes out of his head - more or less unfiltered - into Twitterdom, he actually follows through on half of them. The most ridiculous example is up first.

A few weeks back, Ochocinco started talking about starting a day care called Child Please Daycare Center. The punchline of this joke: Hours from 7am to kiss the baby. Haha Chad, you were able to work both your 2009 catchphrases into the same joke. The rest of us moved on. Chad upped the ante:

He actually had graphics printed and hung out with some kids. I'm not sure that he actually opened a daycare center, and I hope to God he didn't. Honestly, what parent would send their kid to a caretaker who eats McDonalds for every meal and spends most of his waking hours playing Xbox?

Oy, what's next? Oh yeah, Ochocinco condoms. "They'll catch everything your Johnson shoots," according to Chad. Another good joke, this time working his former name in. When I heard it a month or so ago, I thought I'd heard the last of it. I was wrong:

No word on whether tiger skin condoms are as effective as lambskin, but it would be kind of cool to have a striped penis, right? What's next?

When a Japanese broadcaster that covers the NFL in the far East suggested that Chad change his last name again, this time to the Japanese eight-five translation Haichi Go, I was sure it was just a goof. Chad laughed at the suggestion, and had a uniform made up. But now he posts a picture of it under the banner "coming soon." Can he be the Black Mexican and eat sushi? It'll be hard since they don't have any at McDonalds.

Chad also promised to deliver an all Spanish interview on ESPN. I don't know if he delivered, but he claims his "espanol is on point." No word on whether he'll learn Japanese if he changes his name again.

So what's next for Chad? He says he's going to steal the bugle horn of the Vikings mascot and use it as a prop after he scores a touchdown in Minnesota. Will he do it? I figure there's about a 50% chance.

Forget the Superbowl Shuffle!

First off, BIG thanks to Cincy Jungle for posting this link, and HUGE thanks to whoever put it on YouTube in the first place.

This was the rap song made by the Superbowl bound 1988 Bengals, written by wide receiver Mike Martin and featuring the likes of Ickey Woods, Soloman Wilcots and other Bengals greats.

So bear with me as I stumble through my first Hiphop article on Dank Game:

For starters, this song kicks the shit out of the 1985 Bears' "Superbowl Shuffle." The beat is actually listenable, the lyrics are a little less trite, the chorus is catchier, the rapping is much smoother, they have one guy that can actually sing pretty soulfully, and they kept the white players out of the recording studio.

Speaking of the recording studio, it made a much better setting than the awful looking blue smoking lounge the 1985 Bears shot in. Plus the editing was actual interesting to watch. Props to Local 12 in Cincinnati for putting the thing together.

I once heard the "Superbowl Shuffle" accused of setting back Chicago's rap scene by 10 years. Alternately, I'm pretty sure this song set up the all too brief golden age of Cincinnati rap, leading to Scribble Jam, producer Hi-Tek, and that Mood group that hiphoppers from Cincy are always talking about.

Dank-Gamers, how'd I do? Should I keep writing about rap?

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Unrelated, but awesome:

OchoCinco posted a picture of the Bengals Snuggie he had made to his Twitter account:

Lions Loss Leaps Bengals to winning season

For the first time since 2005, and only the second time since 1991 (this goddamn team) the Bengals will finish with a winning record.

Beating the Detroit Lions isn't much of an accomplishment, but the game is still riddled with meaning for Cincinnati.

For starters, Marvin Lewis tied franchise founder Paul Brown for 2nd most wins by a coach in club history. As noted above, it also guarantees them a winning season, with their record now notched at 9-3 - tied for second best in the AFC. We also saw the successful return of running back Cedric Benson, and first round pick offensive tackle Andre Smith got playing time for his second NFL game.

Furthermore, with Pittsburgh losing to Oakland and Baltimore possibly losing to Green Bay tonight, only one more win may be necessary to ensure an AFC North crown for the Bengals.

However, this game was boring! The first half was kind of exciting, but the second was slow and painful. Detroit's offense looked terrible after starting the game strong, and the Bengals probably could have posted about 14 more points had it not been for needless interceptions from Carson Palmer. On the plus side, I didn't mind watching the Bengals defense pound quarterback Matt Stafford into the ground repeatedly - welcome to the Jungle indeed.

So I am going to celebrate Brian Leonard for his 100th leap over a defender (unofficial stat). WhoDeyRevolution call him the "White Weapon," a nickname that absolutely needs to catch on. He only gets two or three carries per game, but he makes them count. If you Google Image Search the guy, at least a third of the pictures are of him leaping over would-be tacklers - a trend that dates back to at least his Rutgers days.

So the unnofficial Dank-Game player of the week is Brian Leonard, with Chad "taking the Black Mexican thing really seriously" Ochocinco a close second.

Cincinnati - We always need more Johnsons!

2005 was a great year for the Bengals. I'm not talking about winning their division. I'm not even talking about going to the playoffs for the first time in over a decade.

I'm talking about the world's most fantastic collection of Johnsons!

Wide receiver Chad Johnson and running back Rudi Johnson were the star skill players of the offense. Rudi ran behind fullback Jeremi Johnson, and Chad practiced running short routes against linebacker Landon Johnson. It was a great time for Johnsons. It was a great time for Cincinnati.

2006 almost saw more of the same. The team even added backup QB Doug Johnson, increasing the number of Johnsons to five. But the magic was no longer there, and by the end of the season the team appeared impotent.

The Bengals bottomed out in 2008. Landon Johnson had left in free agency, Rudi was banished to the wastelands of Detroit, Jeremi was too fat, Doug disappeared or something, and Chad infamously changed his last name to Ochocinco. Needless to say, the team only won 4 games. Things had to change. Cincinnati needed more Johnsons.

Enter the 2009 Cincinnati Bengals. Jeremi regained his physique and rejoined the team. The Bengals signed defensive tackle "Tank" Johnson in free agency. And the team drafted defensive end Michael Johnson (nickname: Giraffe). Things were looking up, and the team went 7-2 to start the season.

But there was a problem. Coach Marvin Lewis and owner Mike Brown knew from 2005 that the magic number of Johnsons was four. They scanned the NFL far and wide for weeks, but could not find a suitable Johnson. Until last week.

Running back Larry Johnson finally pissed off Kansas City enough following his "fags" rant that they cut him from the team. Apparently in Kansas City, multiple accounts of violence against women is less offensive than saying fags a few times in a press conference, but that's another post. The point is, Larry Johnson was perfect for Cincinnati.

The team debuted their four Johnson attack this week in Oakland. The results were less than stellar, but the Johnsons looked OK. Actually, they looked pretty bad, with Jeremi losing a fumble, and Tank and Michael registering zero sacks. But only time will tell if this collection of Johnsons is as powerful as the 2005 variety. The experiment will be exciting.

So welcome to Cincinnati, Larry Johnson. Please stay away from our nightclubs and women.

Ochocinco Updates

It's been too long since Dank Game checked in on 85. I take the blame. Chad did plenty of noteworthy things in the last several weeks, but there was never any one totally brilliant moment, forcing me to drop everything and let the world know. Or likely remind them, as I don't think Dank-Game has yet become anyone's first-stop shop for Bengals info. Perhaps in time.

On to the point: The most outrageous of Ochocinco's recent prank was trying to "bribe" the replay official. With a $1.00 bill.

Baltimore had challenged Ochocinco's catch, as it appeared he had stepped out of bounds. To keep his catch ruled a catch, he attempted to hand the official the dollar. I'd explain the whole thing to you in more detail, but this kid does a pretty good job:

And here is some recorded-off-TV-screen replay of it. Sorry, I could not find a better Youtube video of the actual incidence:

Chad was fined $20,000 for the "bribe." I think it was pretty clearly a joke but either way, Ocho is undeterred. On his Twitter page, he challenged, "child wait till you see what I do in Pittsburgh, remember I set aside fine fund before the season started, I'm just starting!!!"

Ochocinco also sent a care package of deodorant to the Raven's defense, since they were probably sweating the thought of covering him. No word on whether this was effective, as Ray Lewis was nowhere to be found after the game

According to ProFootballTalk, Chad also wanted to send mustard to the Steelers, presumably because they play at Heinz (ketchup) field. Marvin Lewis said no, but given Chad's recent tweet, he'll find something else ridiculous to do.

Ochocinco does Top Diez list

The black Mexican has been hitting the airwaves all week. He has both a new autobiography and a new sports network to pitch. Oh, and he's in the middle of a terrific football season, so the dude is pretty busy.

I've been planing to write an entire entry about OCNN (Ocho Cinco News Network), but have not had time in lieu of 3 straight mega-overtime work weeks. Believe it or not, I do not get paid to contribute to this site. At least not until Slim gets his McFinances together.

Chad claims that he'll use OCNN to break info about NFL players and whatever else straight to the public. I think he's pretty serious about it too. He has a logo, and he's given at least two interviews in front of a wall of them, and it's got a yellow to orange to blue gradient thing going on.

More recently, Chad tried his hand at comedy. In support of his new autobiography (pictured above), the Ocho appeared on Late Night with David Letterman to deliver the nightly top ten list.

I'm pretty sure Ron Artest has never given a top ten list. I'm not so sure that he's written a book (this is Chad's second)

I'm damn sure he's never started a news network.

Oh, stop weeping Slim.

Big week for Ochocinco

And he hasn't even played yet. Let's hope for about 150 yards and 3 TDs against the Texans weak ass secondary.

First: somehow the 4-1 Bengals were having loads of trouble selling out against a Texans team they should beat tomorrow. So who comes up big and buys the remaining tickets? It should be pretty obvious that it was Chad Ochocinco. And he gave them away on a first come first serve basis at the Paul Brown Stadium

Perhaps he found out about our Dank Game Ron-vs-Chad zaniness competition, read the post about Artest taking fans bowling and thought, "Child please, I can do way more for my fans than that." Actually Motorolla was also involved, so realistically it was just a marketing ploy. But whatever.

Second: Chad has big plans for a touchdown celebration this week. Not excited yet? He's calling it the Mexican Jumping Bengal.

Basically, he plans to climb into the stands and then crowd surf. Good luck Ocho! He announced the plan on his USteam show. You can read more about it at PFT.

The ball is back in your court, SlimMcShavesHisPits.

Never felt so bad about 1st place

The good news first:

The Bengals are tied for first atop the AFC-North. They have the same record as the Ravens! They even have the same record as the Patriots - yeah, the fuckin' Patriots!

But after damn near 15 minutes of overtime against the Browns, I cannot feel confident about this team.

Why not?

1. Brad St. Louis. He has cost the Bengals at least 8 points this season by my count. It's pretty pathetic watching a snap for a field goal or extra point fly over the head of the holder and behind the kicker. And although place holder Kevin Huber managed to pull down both bad snaps from this game, they still led to delayed, and thus blocked kicks. Fortunately Shayne Graham reminded him where-da-party's-at and the Bengals won in OT. Still, how does such a long term veteran screw up long-snapping (which, by the way, is his only job)?

2. Marvin Lewis. OK, Lewis brings a lot more good than bad to Cincinnati. But I don't know who else to blame. For years now he seems to get the team to play to the competition instead of putting out a consistent effort each week. A team like the Colts will barely beat a good team and train wreck a bad team. The Bengals make games against inferior teams way too close, while playing better than expected against big teams. Last year they took the Giants to overtime, seriously threatened the Cowboys, and beat the Redskins while playing like hell against very mediocre teams. They're basically doing the same thing this year, but they're winning the close games instead of losing them.

3. The 2nd quarter - Before this week I would have said the entire first half, but the Bengals finally turned on the offense before halftime. But through 4 weeks this season they are yet to do much of anything offensively in the second quarter. And outside of the Green Bay game, they haven't done much in the third quarter either. I don't mind having the team play darlings of the 4th quarter, but I'd prefer the offense play well for the entire game.

4. Chad Ochocinco. He played well and all, but his touchdown celebrations just aren't what they used to be.

Give me some time to let the 3-1 record sink in, instead of the bitter taste of a piss-poor game, and I'll probably have some positive things to say about the tigers. Two defensive scores in two weeks already come to mind.

'stache out