NFL's Biggest Collection of Jackasses?

Well, the Bengals done signed Terrell Owens. Owens doesn't have the best reputation as a teammate, though Mike Brown thought highly enough to make him a last minute addition to the team. And Cincinnati might now have the most jackass-filled roster in pro football, although it should be noted that the presence of Roethlisberger alone puts Pittsburgh way up there. On the bright side, they could very well join other jackass filled teams in Lombardi trophy history (1970's Steelers and Raiders, I'm looking at you).

So I'm taking a look at all the guys on the roster who seem like assholes. This isn't about arrests (Leon Hall is not on the list in spite of a DUI arrest last offseason for example), but I'm factoring some in.

Asshole index:

Adam Jones (CB) - HIGH - He has missed two entire seasons of football in a five year career because of off-the-field incidents - no, catastrophes. I'm honestly surprised he wasn't suspended for life. His most recent team, Dallas, hired around the clock security to keep him out of trouble and he ended up getting in a fight with a bodyguard. If he hadn't said and done all the right things since coming to Cincinnati (after sitting out last year and probably going broke making it rain too many times) I'd make a special category that only he and Ben Roethlisberger could fill.

Terrell Owens (WR) - HIGH - has called out the following teammates in public: Jeff Garcia (49ers), Donovan McNabb (Eagles) and Tony Romo (Cowboys). He has also claimed to have intentionally dropped passes when his team didn't include him enough in the game plan. He did however play nice in Buffalo last season.

Funny Bengals Tweets Vol. III

Back for round three, the 'Stache brings you the newest installment of his column that takes the least original thought!

Linebacker Rey Maualuga (Maualuga58) tweeted while driving (presumably he still has his 2003 Pontiac Sunfire), then bought himself a new computer:

• Traffic on the 71? I thought I left that in LA.
• What apps shud I download for my Ipad besides angry birds...
  

Defensive tackle Tank Johnson (TankJohnson99) finally saw Avatar, then hit up Las Vegas:

• Avatar F'n awesome *pause* need more Crown! Holy Shit I'm in Pandora
• Cmon son a Avatar sex scene how can I live on earth anymore! This shits wack
• G string wita tail #stopit
• I hate humans! Greed money hungry bastards!

• Attention Vegas! Im comin to town to take all ya doh! So if u have a problem w it better stop me at baggage claim! Cuz #imfeelinlucky
• Finna turn this 50 bucks into a few million! #trynstopme! Bet on black! And waitresses in short skirts please avoid my blackjack table thx
  

Linebacker Dhani Jones (DhaniJones) has body issues:

• I'm serious... What's up with everybody hating on chest hair... No razor, no clippers, no waxing, allow men to be men
  

Former offensive tackle Willie Anderson (WillAnderson79) offered up advice on meeting women:

• Guy just told me when he meets a woman he checks out her arms. Lol He said "Boobs, butt, eye lashes etc can be fake. Arms tell the truth ...
• Lol That's funny. My brother told me to check a woman's health history and her family's. I guess Women can and should do the same!

Rookie linebacker Roddrick Muckelroy (youngMuck38 - an awesome handle by the way) really enjoyed his dinner:

• first time really just eatting at Chipotle it was good i must say lol
  
• feel like a king an i just found my crown :)
  

Offseason Bengals Arrests Now At Three

It's not a "spree" just yet, but it's getting there:

I'm way late to report this, but Bengals starting running back Cedric Benson was recently arrested. This makes three arrests of Bengals players since the end of the season in January.

I detailed the first arrest in great fear after linebacker Rey "I finally remember how to spell his last name without looking it up" Maualuga's DUI arrest in Covingtion, KY. I specifically feared a 2006-esque Bengals crime spree.

Then Maurice "I'm sure you don't know who I'm talking about" Purify was arrested for assault or something. I don't remember for sure what the charge was, and I don't feel like looking it up. His chances of making the team next year were next to nothing before the arrest, as he was a practice squad project for a year and half and then made the roster for about three games.

But now with Benson's arrest I'm getting a little edgy. It's a weird story. Basically, he was accosted at a bar in Austin, Texas (He was a Longhorn in his college years) and possibly retaliated with a punch. The facts are very much contradictory right now, but every day it seems more and more likely he'll escape prosecution and hopefully even a suspension. Still, it's disheartening that a guy who's career was once derailed by trouble with law (two DUI's in one year) is still putting himself in bad situations.

The one thing going for Benson here is that it took a full month for charges to be pressed against the star player and that no two people seem to have their stories straight. The unfortunate thing for Cedric is that the ongoing investigation has completely derailed contract talks with the Bengals. Benson's contract ends after the season.

********

To end this post on a positive, I'd like to let readers who aren't aware that Maualuga has been widely reported as talking about his DUI arrest and subsequent clinical treatment for alcoholism as a complete success. He says he hasn't had a single alcoholic drink since January, that he's in the best shape of his life, and that Chad Ochocinco helped keep him on the straight and narrow with his patented Red Bull and cranberry juice concoction.

Now if only Ron Artest could get him down with orange slices and winning championships too.

The Bengal's Big Chance

The Bengals have become well known in the Mike Brown era of ownership for making some of the worst personnel decisions in the league. The goal appears to be simple: build an incredibly unstable core of possibly talented, but definitely combustible athletes.

The question of why Brown chooses to run his team this way is moot. But assuming insanity in Cincinnati (Cinsanity?) really is the goal, there's one obvious obstacle in his way: these players keep getting arrested, suspended, drunk, fat, or in one tragic case dead.

So each and every year the Bengals sign the newest generation of miscreants. I'll go back a couple of years to illustrate:

In 2007 drunkard Odell Thurman and general asshole Shuan Smith (who was brought back to the team for a few games in 2009) left the team. The Bengals went out and got Harvard (freaking Harvard) quarterback Ryan "Crazy Legs" Fitzpatrick. In 2008 the team lost Chris Henry to suspension. They replaced him by drafting DUI machine Jason Shirley, and signing Jordan Palmer, who runs the ridiculously nerdy RunPee. Later in the season they added Cedric "DUI-by-land-or-by-sea" Benson.

Funny Bengals Tweets Vol. II

Welcome back to Funny Bengals Tweets - the column where I don't have to come up with any original material. Here's what current and former Bengals players are tweeting about.

Former Bengals OT Willie Anderson (WillAnderson79) had a fun family night at Medieval Nights:

• Medieval Times with my son and my guests
• Show blood! I paid a lot for these tickets
• My son is like "Dad you realize this is not real?" I said "Boy shut it. Its real to me!" Hater!
• I wanna live this way foreal! Fight for your food, money and you queen! lol

Former Bengals DL John Thornton had an observation about Shitsburgh, and gave some parenting advice:

• Pittsburgh nightclubs suck. All their bouncers have lil man syndrome
• Who names their kid Wellington? wtf
  

Linebacker Rey Muauluga took in some TV and some recreational sports:

• Watching 16 and Pregnant haha. I hope this show is fake. These girls are way too young
• Winton woods to play some frisbee golf [editor's note - this is probably only sweet if you're familiar with Cincinnati]
  

Wide receiver Andre Caldwell (caldwell87) offered some fashion advice and a possible idea for a start-up business:

• If you wear tall T's and extra big pants in 2010 you style is dead
• Are there any good car wash companies that come to the house?
  

Defensive end Antwan "He's Not Human" Odom (AntwanOdom98) is a fan of the OchoCinco News Network:

• @ocnnbreaking will soon be the leading news source on the planet

Offensive Lineman Evan Mathis (ergoism) expressed his loyalties:

• I pledge allegiance to the swag

Defensive tackle Tank Johnson (TankJohson99) had some thoughts about popular snack cakes:

• I bet little debbie aint so little!
  
• Little debbie is definitely Big Debrah now!
  

Until next time Dank-Gamers

The Start of a Bengal's 2010 Crime Spree?

Rey Maualuga was arrested for DUI in Covington, KY in January 2010, the first Bengal arrested in the 2010 offseason. It was also the first Bengal brush with the law since Leon Hall's DUI in the 2009 offseason. This was an isolated incident for a team which had mostly been on good behavior since the end of the dreadful 2006 campaign. I'm getting a different vibe about this offseason though.

Following Maualuga's arrest he enrolled in the Betty Ford clinic. Let's hope he recovers, and maybe that could be the end of Cincinnati's legal troubles in 2010. But then the Bengals signed Matt Jones and kicked the tires of Pacman Jones. I don't necessarily like where this is going. I've looked the other way many times on questionable character signings, but after the Maualuga incident, I'm more worried than normal.

Well, I'm probably drawing too much into this, but Keith Rivers - teammate with Maualuga at USC and now in Cincinnati - tweeted today that he's "been driving fast lately[;] 140 on the dial!!! keep that on the low though[,] not exactly street legal."

Let me state that I like Rivers. He's typically a do-his-job, keep quiet kind of guy. He doesn't get in trouble with the law, and he doesn't do ridiculous celebrations or demand to be on camera all the time. He apparently doesn't understand that a public Twitter account isn't exactly "on the low," but I'll forgive him of that.

However, the fact of the matter is that he is a black man with a lot of money (via being the 9th overall pick in the 2008 draft) living in Los Angeles. And this makes him vulnerable to the notoriously crooked LA police. I assume based on the speed of the vehicle and the payday that he is driving something nicer than a 2003 Pontiac Sunfire. If he gets pulled over going well north of 100, you can practically see dirty LAPD planting bags of Cocaine in his ride.

Long story short, then Cincinnati would be without two of starting linebackers opening day!

Again, I'm probably drawing way too much into this. It could even just be an inside joke. But I am worried about this team. And the offseason boredom has already got to me, to the point where I'm playing "who's next?"

Remember 2006?

Oh fuck.

At first I ignored the story. Rey Maualuga arrested for driving drunk in Covington. It sucks, but it happens right? Former Bengal Willie Anderson even joked about it via Twitter - "Why hasn't someone told Bengals Young players that if you break the law in Covington, Ky your ass going to jail? That's crazy!"

But then I found out the rest of the facts: According to Profootballtalk.com, Maualuga blew a .157 blood-alcohol level. Wow, that's a lot more than .08, the legal limit.

According to TMZ (and it does eat me up inside to even reference TMZ), he crashed into two parked cars and a meter. TMZ even managed to produce an "exclusive" photo of the crash scene that I've shamelessly stolen. As a commentator noted, for some reason Maualuga (who I will remind you is a professional athlete) was driving what appears to be a 2003 Pontiac Sunfire.

But it was in a PFT update to the story that really set off the alarm. Much like Chris Henry in 2006, Maualuga was accompanied by two ladies under 21. And one of them was 17 - as in under the age of consent. Even in Kentucky. Fuck-An-A.

As near as I can tell, Rey has only been charged with driving under the influence and not providing minors with alcohol. Still, you have to be concerned that a young Bengals team might behave like their 2006 counterparts - also a young team coming off a good season. We here at Dank Game are officially concerned, as is Willie Anderson.

2009 Bengals - Inside scoop

Yesterday, yours truly worked for 12 hours at ground zero: Paul Brown Stadium.

The best part: I spent some of that time in the Bengal's locker room.

So guys, pay attention. This is likely the only time I will have any sort of "scoop" on a sports team. Unfortunately I could not take any pictures, but here's what I've got:




First and most important - Carson Palmer. I didn't see him run or throw footballs, but he was walking around nimbly without any brace on his ankle. It appears that he is already recovered from the ankle he sprained in the preseason.

Next up Andre Smith. Fuck. Whoever reported that his stress fracture would only keep him out for 7-10 days is either a spin-master or a moron. Days after the injury, he was milling around on crutches at the pace of an elderly woman. Maybe it doesn't matter so much. He wasn't likely to contribute much in the early goings of the season anyway after his 90 day holdout. I anticipate that he'll be place on the Physically Unable to Preform list to start the season, and not placed on the active roster until the last possible moment.

Rey Maualuga. Dude is hilarious, and might as well live at Paul Brown Stadium. On a day with no practices he still put in something like 12 hours. Interestingly enough, he and Shayne "Where-da-party-at" Graham were palling it around for much of the day. Quite the odd couple.

Graham is returning from a groin injury, but looked fine. The club had confidence enough to release their camp replacement kicker, so I'm sure he's recovered fully. David Jones is also recovering from an injury, but he looked to be in good shape, walking around quickly and pain free. Scott Kooistra (unsurprisingly nicknamed Kooister by his teammates) - another injured Bengal backup - didn't look to far from returning to the playing field either.

I saw several other players as well, including Bernard Scott, Michael Johnson (who is tall as fuck), Brandon Johnson, Dhani Jones (super nice guy) and Dennis Roland, plus coach Marvin Lewis. The only real disappointment is that Chad Ochocinco was there, but didn't really say or do anything entertaining. Not that he was an asshole or anything, but I've come to expect nonstop antics from him. He did work out in boxing shoes and a big robe that says Ocho Cinco on the back, so that's a least one nice touch. He was also incredibly ripped. Apparently that boxing regiment he endured this off season paid off.

Well, that's all I've got. Until next time (which as far as Dank Game inside scoops go might be never) this is Mustache signing off.

Let's see you get an exclusive scoop on the Heat, SlimMcFatTits!