Just How Corrupt Are Pennsylvania's Police?

Even before the incidents in Las Vegas, Nevada and Milledgeville, Georgia, it was known that Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger employed state troopers and city police as his personal entourage. This isn't on the surface a particularly odd phenomena. Police frequently moonlight as bouncers and body guards in all fifty states. But post-Rapistbergergate, Pennsylvania police are beginning to look as crooked as neighboring New Jersey.

Naturally the public scrutiny truly began after criminal rape charges were filed against Roethlisberger for having sex with a college student in this bathroom (seriously, this is via WPXI in Pittsburgh). Although the charges were dropped, enough evidence got out to make everyone involved look very bad. And once Georgia Police released the interviews, things went from bad to worse.

For starters, Ben was fittingly wearing a shirt with an image of Lucifer on the front, as seen in this picture from the night in question (via The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette with the accuser digitally blurred). And from WPXI, these disturbing quotes:

• After taking a round of shots purchased by Roethlisberger, the accuser said one of Roethlisberger's body guards led her down a hallway.
• Accuser: "It was kind of like they [Roethlisberger and his entourage] had planned it. Because the entire night we were asking him 'Why are you here?' And he said, 'Oh, just trying to change it up.' And we were like OK, that's weird. You're in a college town and you're 28 years old. It's weird."
• Accuser: "He had me sit at this stool and like 30 seconds later Ben comes back there, his penis was already out of his pants. And I was like, 'No, this is not right, I don't agree with this.'"

In addition to the allegations of the accuser that Roethlisberger and his entourage planned the alleged incident, several girls accompanying her that night tell stories that further implicate the involvement of the bodyguards. According to the Post-Gazette, three girls in addition to the accuser said they saw one of the bodyguards lead the accuser to the bathroom after buying the girls drinks all night. And two say that the bodyguards would not allow them to follow their friend into the bathroom. It's pretty clear that the members of Ben's entourage knew exactly what was going on, forcefully preventing others from stopping the crime, and thus becoming accessories to rape.

Could Science Explain Rapistberger's Actions?

I suppose you could mark this one under the Dank Game conspiracy files. As you are undoubtedly aware, I have not shied from Steeler-related conspiracies in the past.

Well, here's some background if you need it:

The starting quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers, Ben Roethlisberger, keeps going around raping women, crashing motorcycles and generally acting like an asshole. Even after winning two Superbowls with the team, even the often incompetent Pittsburgh citizenry is getting tired of Ben's antics. Ultimately, Ben has been suspended for the first six games of the 2010 season.

I'll cut to a quick Steel Legends (one of Pittsburgh's finest) to explain what this means for the Steelers:

The most interesting thing about Rapistberger-Gate isn't so much how much of terrible of a person Ben really is. What's fascinating is that people are trying to hard to figure out WHY he's such a turd. After his 2006 motorcycle accident and multiple on-field concussions some think that head trauma is at least in part responsible for his more sociopathic actions.

A Face Only Pittsburgh Could Love

I'm not going to bother getting into the specifics, but for the second offseason in a row, Ben Roethlisberger has made rape charges more or less go away. Maybe he didn't do it, maybe it was consensual, whatever. I do want to type Rapistberger once, but if I am to respect the letter of the law I must point out that Big Ben was never proven guilty.

However, look at this fucking picture. Jesus Christ, the only fatter starting quarterback in this league has got be JaMarcus Russell, and I'm thinking Ben could give him a run for his money. Then there's his hair. Did he comb it with a fork and crisco on his way out of the Waffle House?

This is the press conference where he apologized to Pittsburgh fans! He could shave? He couldn't iron his shirt? At least he's wearing a belt, although it is a bit sad he needed cue cards for his apology.

Good God man, pull it together. Maybe that motorcycle accident from a few year ago knocked the brain out of his head.

Playoff Stretch Preview

I meant to post this before this weekend's crop of games, but oh well:

That's right folks. It's time to start talking about the NFL playoff picture. I've drawn up a neat little chart of how I think the post season will shake down, right up to the Saints-Bengals superbowl!
Seeding is really important to any sports postseason, and the NFL is no exception. I see the current top seeds of both conferences staying put. It's very hard to imagine the undefeated Saints and Colts not capturing the top spots. A one-loss Vikings team looks to have a lock on the second spot in the NFC, while a 7-2 Bengals should coast through the remaining easy schedule to nail down the number two spot in the AFC. Even after an unexpected Raiders loss, I still think the Bengals will win nearly all of their remaining games. These four teams will be rewarded with a first round bye.

In the AFC East, it's pretty clear that the Patriots will run away with the division. The race was even in the AFC West, but the Broncos are on a serious decline after an unthinkable 6-0 start, and the Chargers have slowly but surely gained momentum and taken control of the division.

The wild card spots are quite interesting in the AFC, however, with at least 5 teams in hot contention for the last two playoff spots. I've kept the Ravens and Steelers out of the playoff picture because they have two meetings left this season. So they'll probably beat each other out of the race, while a "little-engine-that-could" Dolphins team that has lost three of its starters but has gotten better, and a pretty good Texans team will sneak in. The Broncos and possibly the Jaguars will join the Steelers and Ravens as teams just barely missing the post-season in the AFC.

In the NFC, the Cardinals have practically already won the West notwithstanding an extreme last season comeback by the initially dominant 49ers. The East is usually the Division to beat in the NFC, but this year the top three teams look wobbly. I see Philly bouncing back to win the division, the Cowboys season crashing late, and the Giants reemerging with a late season playoff berth in the 6th spot. The Falcons possibly have the easiest path to a wildcard in the NFC, and I think they'll get the 5th spot over the Giants.

Outside of the Bengals and Saints taking it all the way to the Superbowl, the Chargers will win a few January games, as will the Eagles. The only other wins I forecast are divisional round victories by the Patriots and Giants.

So there you have it, Dank-Game.

Until this looks ridiculous in 3 weeks and I redo it.

Who Dey! WHO DEY! Who dey think gonna beat dem Bengals!

It's time to print the playoff tickets! At 7-2, and with four extremely easy games on tap, it's nearly impossible to imagine anything but a playoff berth for the tigers of 2009.

What (besides a healthy Carson Palmer) is the difference between the 2008 and 2009 Bengals? I'm gonna say the pass rush. Cincinnati had zero sacks against the Steelers last season. This year, I don't have the exact count, but it is closer to five or six. And many of them came at crucial moments.

Despite multiple red zone trips by Pittsburgh, Cincinnati held the Steelers to mere field goals. After an unexpected Bernard Scott kickoff return for a touchdown, 4 FGs weren't going to cut it.

Although he missed a 51 yard field goal (which apparently would have been the longest ever at Heinz Field), Shayne Graham quickly remembered "Where-da-party"s at, making four clutch field goals. Brandon Johnson filled in admirably for the injured Keith Rivers, knocking down a key 3rd down pass. And Fanene, filling in for Antwan Odom, had two sacks. Plenty more accolades can and will be given, but in the meantime let's just rest assured that the 2009 Cincinnati Bengals are winners.

Nothing feels better than beating the Steelers. Except beating the Steelers twice!

Week 7 NFL observations

Hey dank-gamers.

The 'stache is back after an unintended and unwanted hiatus. I've worked almost 200 hours in the past 15 days, with only one day off. And since that wasn't a sunday, football has not been a part of my life the past two weeks. Pity.

Thanks to Slim for covering week 6. Moving forward:

Week 7 thrillers: The Cardinals are back! After starting the season terribly Kurt Warner and company are on a serious hot streak, which culminated Sunday night in the Meadowlands where they beat an excellent Giants team. The win, coupled with another 49ers loss, puts Arizona on top of their division for the first time this season.

The Bengals absolutely destroyed the Bears. Not much else needs to be said other than Who Dey! If the Bengals keep playing like this, they'll be a very dangerous team down the stretch and into the playoffs. Also, Carson Palmer was named AFC Offensive player of the week after throwing more TD passes than incompletions.

The Saints won decisively after coming back from a 21 point deficit against the Dolphins. The Colts and Broncos join the Saints as the other remaining undefeated teams, but I think the Saints are the cream of the crop. The Colts just keep beating the shit out of really bad teams in the their suddenly mediocre division, while the Saints have dismantled many impressive teams. I still don't know what to think about a Broncos team that I picked to be one of the worst in the NFL.

The Vikings would have remained undefeated were it not for a complete meltdown in the 4th quarter. The Steelers had no business winning this game, as Favre threw for a league high 334 yards. Minnesota will certainly get back on track, and as they head to Lambeau field, be prepared for a wild game in Green Bay this Sunday. The Bengals are on bye, so this game is an excellent consolation prize.

Some time later I'll post some amazing Ochocinco updates.

Week 5 NFL Observations

Starting with the last game first, here's Mustache's observations (stachvations? mustavations? I'll work on this) from week 5 in the NFL:

The Dolphins are back. Written off after a 3 game losing streak to start the season, it looked like Miami was in a division where the Jets and Patriots would distance themselves easily from the bottom of the pack. But after back-to-back Jets and Patriots losses and back-to-back division wins for the Fins, the pecking order has changed a little bit. But not for Buffalo. They lost to the Browns in a game where their quarterback only completed two passes.

I am probably most surprised by Jacksonville's blowout loss to the Seahawks. Seattle has been mediocre at best this season, and the Jaguars looked like a team that could turn it around after a poor start. If the Jaguars are going to be a contender this season they have to win games like this, not lose by 41 points. After a few seasons of being the best division in the AFC, the South looks terrible. After the undefeated Colts, the remaining three teams have a combined 4-11 record.

McNabb is back in Philadelphia, and I'll be damned if the Eagles don't look like a top 5 team again. The Eagle's young receivers look excellent, and McNabb threw two incredible touchdown passes. This is probably the best team to have lost a game (sorry Bengals).

Other notables:

Indianapolis, the New York Giants and Minnesota continue to look excellent, all winning in convincing fashion.

Pittsburgh had some trouble with Detroit and Dallas had a lot of trouble with Kansas City. Both did pull out wins, but these teams are not as good as many think, especially not the Cowboys.

Bengals win!

The Bengals went 2-1 Sunday, their best record after 3 games since 2006. The bigger news however is that they beat the fucking Steelers!

This win at home (which is sometimes jokingly referred to as Heinz Field West because there are always so many goddamn Steelers fans in attendance) broke a number of streaks the Steelers had going against the Bengals. More importantly, it keeps Cincinnati in 2nd place in the AFC-North and moves the Steelers down to third.

As this was the first of three straight divisional games, it was critical to win this. Now Cincinnati has a chance both of the next two weeks to pull into first in the division. They had a chance this week, but nobody really thought the Browns would take down Baltimore (and it wasn't even close).

So next week Cincinnati heads to Cleveland who managed all of three point against the Ravens. Now that the Lions ended their historic losing streak, you can bet the Browns will find their way to the bottom of many pundits weekly "power-rankings," challenged only by the Rams and the Buccaneers. So if the Bengals lose this game I won't even know what to say. Assuming a win, Cincinnati would have a 2-0 divisional record. Looking at the rest the AFC-North next week, Baltimore heads to New England and Pittsburgh plays prime-time host to the San Diego Chargers.

Baltimore looks very, very convincing on both sides of the ball this season, and if they are the best team in the AFC, as many pundits have suggested, there is not a better place than Foxborough, Massachusetts to test the notion. Although the Patriots look more beatable than they have in years, this should be a long, close game that the Ravens could easily lose.

In Pittsburgh, the Steelers will have their hands full with a very talented Chargers team. Although Pittsburgh's defense is still very good, San Diego was able to put up 26 points on an excellent Ravens defense in a close loss. If the Chargers can get pressure on Ben Roethlisberger, or force turnovers, they will win this game.

So this means that Cincinnati escaping next week with the only win in our division is a strong possibility, moving the Bengals into first outright, as the Ravens will only have a 1-0 divisional record. Of course, this is somewhat of a moot point, as even if the Bengals are 3-1 and first in the division outright, they still play in Baltimore the next week. So either way, this game will be played for the top spot in the division (unless the Bengals go down to Cleveland and Baltimore beats the Patriots, and I refuse to even imagine this possibility).

Still, I think a week 4 loss by the Ravens coupled with a win by the Bengals would give Cincinnati all the momentum they need leading up to their date in Baltimore. And assuming the Bengals go 3-0 in their division for the first half of the season, I think the sky becomes the limit for a time most wrote off after week one.

Maybe for once the Bengals really are on the rise. And if they do drop off the face of the planet in the weeks to come, at least the Bearcats look awesome. Football is suddenly interesting again in Cincinnati.

Go Bengals!

NFL 2009 preview - AFC

Just what you need. Another season preview!

I have to post these now, a week before the regular season begins, so we can either look back at how much of a genius I was, or (more likely) make fun of me for wasting my time with a ridiculously incorrect outlook. To that end, I will predict the playoff teams, but not actual playoff results. I'll do that come January, so in February we can either praise me as a football-savant, or (more likely) make fun of me!

So let's begin:

West

This is as good a place to start as any. The Chargers have locked up this division for several straight years, and given how bad the Raiders and Chiefs have been for a while, the Chargers are virtual locks to repeat. Denver was within one game of winning the division last year, but a late season meltdown (and that's being kind) and a rookie head coach have led to a disastrous offseason. They lost their Pro Bowl quarterback and will probably lose their leading receiver. I wouldn't be surprised if the Broncos were the worst team in football this year. Yes, worse than the Lions.

I have the Raiders in second, largely because they will win games in a weak division and have the talent to take a few surprise games here and there. The new regime in Kansas City is more promising than in Denver, but the turnaround is very unlikely to happen quickly.

South

This is a tough division to predict. For years it has been dominated by the Colts until the Titans burst through with the best record in football. The Jaguars were pegged as the hot team last season, but collapsed almost immediately after a solid postseason to tend their 2007 campaign. The Texans keep going 8-8.

While I don't think the Titans will have the best record in football again, and although they lost star defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth, I think they still have the pieces in place to repeat a division crown. I think Houston is poised for a decent year, and are possible rising stars. A wild card berth seems possible. I'm sure I'll regret this prediction, but this will be the first year the Colts don't go to the playoffs in a long time, although they may still post a 9-7 record. I find it unlikely that Jacksonville can find their stride in such a tough division.

North

Yeah that's right. I put the defending Superbowl champs at third in their own division. Ben Roethlisberger was sacked a ton last year, and their relatively poor offensive line wasn't fortified with any notable free agents or draft picks. It seems likely he could go down this season. The Ravens will meanwhile continue to have a serviceable offense while maintaining a top notch defense, despite losing Terrel Suggs.

Cincinnati appears on the rise after a solid offseason. If Carson Palmer stays healthy a wild card berth seems within reach so long as they can win divisional games. The Browns will be one of the bottom three teams in football. Not only is their new coach, Eric Mangini, not a very good coach, but he is stepping into one of the worst rosters in football. Ten days out from the start of his season and he hasn't named a starting quarterback!

East

It's almost impossible to imagine the Patriots not winning this division. Without Tom Brady last season they still hit 11-5, and if it weren't for a tie-breaker with the even-record Dolphins they would have won the division. It is doubtful that they'll have another perfect regular season, but on paper this team is just as good. Meanwhile, Miami will take a step backward, probably ending the season around .500.

Elsewhere, the Jets are in rebuilding mode, and will probably have a long season ahead of them. Buffalo I think could be an exciting team, and while I don't neccesarily think that they'll be playoff contenders, I do think end the season with a winning record.

Playoff Picture

Football Conspiracy Theorist

Overview

A somewhat widely believed conspiracy theory is that President John F. Kennedy was assassinated as part of a centuries-old Masonic ritual known as the Killing of the King.

Freemasons are also often accused of staging the 1969 (and subsequent) moon landings, being devil worshippers, and leaving a treasure map on the back of the $1.00 bill for Nicholas Cage to stumble upon (or something like that. I never actually saw either of those movies).

Well, bear with me world, because I am here to propose a new and exiting Masonic conspiracy theory, and this one involves Football.

Background

Flash back about 700 years or so and what we might today call a trade union was formed by united European stone cutters. Presumably done to ensure fair wages and proper treatment, this is clearly the humble beginnings of the Free-Masons. In the ensuing centuries the outfit evolved into a secret society. Perhaps they still cut stones??

Flash back about 250 years ago and the United States is being founded by a group of former British subjects at what might have been the height of Freemason popularity. Multiple founding fathers were freemasons including George Washington and Ben Franklin. Freemasonry was spread through the colonies, and west of the Appalachians where the British had previously not allowed their colonists to settle.

Flash back about 70 years ago, and the Pirates of football are founded in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - at the time a booming manufacturing town. In fact, the city's steel production was so prominent that a short while later the team changed it's name to the "Steelers"

After winning it's 6th superbowl, the city changed it's name to "Sixburgh" (they seriously did this officially for a day, or an hour, or something. And the mayor breifly changed his name to Steelerstahl).

Getting to the Point

I am suggesting that the success of the Pittsburgh Steelers is engineered by the Freemasons. I have the following evidence:

1. If you've ever heard Terry Bradshaw talk you'd think that the only way this guy could have won 4 world championships is if they were in the Special Olympics. Surely this couldn't have been the best quarterback in football. Roethlisberger, while seemingly a little more mentally nimble, doesn't fare much better.

2. A drive through Western Pennsylvania, West Virginia and Central/Eastern Ohio will reveal a shocking number of Masonic Lodges. Just look for the compass and square. Even Cincinnati and Cleveland have quite a few, but these cities also have a shocking number of Steelers fans.

3. Pittsburgh is much too small of a city to field such a popular and successful football team. Generally the wildly popular and most successful American sports teams seem to be based in the largest metropolitan areas (New York Yankees and Giants, Boston Celtics and Redsocks, LA Lakers, Dallas Cowboys, Chicago Bulls, etc).

But the Steelers don't seem to have the limited number of fans to draw from that plagues other smaller town teams. Their fan base is so spread out across the country, one has to wonder if Freemasonry and Steeler fandom aren't linked.

4. Steel working is basically the 2oth century equivalent of stone masonry. Steel is clearly as important to major construction today as stone was in centuries past.

Is it possible that the steel unions and the Masons have a united cause, with the Steelers the symbolic fighters of such teams as the Tennessee Titans (of Industry), or the New Orleans Saints (assuming they really are devil worshippers)?

Conclusion

A quick search of NFL Freemasons revealed only one name: John Elway. Another search found no connection between the Steelers and the Freemasons (hopefully this post will change that). I also know of no other Freemason conspiracy theories that involve sports in any way.

So what I'm saying is that I have no evidence whatsoever to back up any of this. Which actually seems to be a common theme among conspiracy theories, so maybe this is a good one!

It may also be worth investigating if the New England Patriots success is somehow related to the Yale-based secret society Skull and Bones.

What do you think Dank Game universe?