Another Dank Game Conspiracy Theory: The Cosmic Powers of Great Lakes' Christmas Ale

It's been made no secret that us Dank Gamers enjoy beer, and last night was certainly no exception. It began as a typical night of drinking and watching football, but quickly turned into a drunken dream world thanks to Cleveland's infamous Christmas Ale. Not only does it get you drunk faster due to it's 7.5% ABV (Alcohol By Volume), but it also affects the balance of the universe in inexplicable, cosmic ways. Seriously. How else would the Cleveland Browns sack Ben Roethlisberger eight times en route to a 13-6 victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers? It's gotta be the Christmas Ale.

I'm sure you're reading this and thinking it's some kind of joke, and I don't blame you for doubting me. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but hear me out. I have plenty of evidence that proves Christmas Ale is truly an otherworldly beverage that affects Cleveland's sports teams when consumed in high volumes. This isn't the first time we at Dank Game have dabbled in conspiracy theories, and it certainly won't be the last.

Great Lakes only produces Christmas Ale during the holiday season, and the Cleveland Cavaliers have yet to win a championship despite having arguably the most gifted athlete to ever set foot on a basketball court. What's the connection here? If Great Lakes continued to produce Christmas Ale throughout the NBA Playoffs and Cleveland sports fans consumed large quantities of it, I honestly believe that the Cavs would finally bring home the Larry O'Brien Trophy. If only Clevelanders had the self control to ration their Christmas Ale for the playoffs. Of course, that's asking way too much of Clevelanders, though.

Still not convinced? You will be after reading the following paragraph.

According to Wikipedia, there was a shortage of Christmas Ale in 2007 due to high demand and low production owing to a shortage of honey. The very same year, the Browns had a breakthrough season after trading starting quarterback Charlie Frye to the Seattle Seahawks and promoting backup Derek Anderson to a starter. In his first start, Anderson led the Browns to a 51-45 win over the Cincinnati Bengals, tying the franchise record of five touchdown passes in a single game. The Browns would finish the season at 10-6, which was their best record since 1994. Despite these accomplishments, they barely missed the playoffs due to a tie-breaker. What would the Browns' fate have been that season had there not been a shortage of Christmas Ale?

What is it that makes Christmas Ale such a mystical beer? I suspect Great Lakes uses some secret ingredient that allows it to affect Cleveland sports in mysterious ways. They claim that its main ingredients are sweet barley with a hint of cinnamon, ginger, and honey, but I don't think they're letting us know everything. Maybe it's a drop of "water" from the Cuyahoga, or a pinch of talcum powder collected from LeBron James' pregame ritual. Whatever it is, I'm going to get to the bottom of it. Who wants to join me in a road trip to Cleveland to sneak into the Great Lakes Brewery? I guess we can go to a Cavs game while we're there, too.