Funny Bengals Tweets - Training Camp Edition

Twitter would indicate that the Bengals are enjoying training camp in Georgetown, KY. Although we don't have Hard Knocks in G-Town this year, the proof is in the funny tweets:

Defensive tackle Tank Johnson (TankJohnson99) finds Georgetown, Kentucky amusing, but training camp exhausting:

• Saw a chick wit one tooth and a tongue ring in long john silver today! Justa clickin that thang against dat 1 tooth! #ahhgeorgetown so funny
• Seriously considering driving from dorms to meetings! Its a 45 second walk and a 1 min drive!
  

Punt Returner Quan Cosby (Cosby12) is a man who doesn't mind having his sleep interrupted and likes crappy game shows:

• Oh and I forgot to thank NFL drug testing for costing me an hr and a half of sleep this morning. God bless u! Haha
• I dont think I can be beaten in family feud! I don't watch it very much but skills stay on point! Mind is a terrible thing to waste!
  

Cornerback Rico Murray (Mr513RicoMurray) has an opinion about teammate Chad Ochocinco and about the hardest working man in Georgetown:

• The only thing that can't be stopped is that man's [Ochocinco's] mouth...
• The most memorable person in Georgetown. the little Caesar guy who dances all day long..I thought my job was hard
  

New wide receiver Terrell Owens (terrellowens) also had an anecdote about Chad:

• Chad is n his room playing FIFA by himself b/c no1 will play with him! Lol.

Chad (OGOchoCinco) got everyone back though:

• Just finished my weight workout early as hell, no meetings till 10:15, i should wake players up in their dorm rooms with the blow horn
• My vuvuzela came in handy early this morning, im sure i woke some folks up screaming gooolll and blowing my vuvuzela.

Linebacker Rey Maualuga (maualuga58) wishes for one night he could be somewhere else:

• Wish I was going to the Rascall Flatts concert 2morrow. My favorite country band. #dontjudgeme

Rookie cornerback Brandon Ghee (BGhee) is growing up and giving culinary advice:

• Chillin wit @GenoStacks [rookie defensive tackle Geno Atkins].....you know your getting old when you start arguing about taxes...ha ha
• Bout to eat some chipotle. If you don't like chipotle it's something wrong with you

With training camp wrapped up, that's all the funny Bengals tweets for now.

NFL's Biggest Collection of Jackasses?

Well, the Bengals done signed Terrell Owens. Owens doesn't have the best reputation as a teammate, though Mike Brown thought highly enough to make him a last minute addition to the team. And Cincinnati might now have the most jackass-filled roster in pro football, although it should be noted that the presence of Roethlisberger alone puts Pittsburgh way up there. On the bright side, they could very well join other jackass filled teams in Lombardi trophy history (1970's Steelers and Raiders, I'm looking at you).

So I'm taking a look at all the guys on the roster who seem like assholes. This isn't about arrests (Leon Hall is not on the list in spite of a DUI arrest last offseason for example), but I'm factoring some in.

Asshole index:

Adam Jones (CB) - HIGH - He has missed two entire seasons of football in a five year career because of off-the-field incidents - no, catastrophes. I'm honestly surprised he wasn't suspended for life. His most recent team, Dallas, hired around the clock security to keep him out of trouble and he ended up getting in a fight with a bodyguard. If he hadn't said and done all the right things since coming to Cincinnati (after sitting out last year and probably going broke making it rain too many times) I'd make a special category that only he and Ben Roethlisberger could fill.

Terrell Owens (WR) - HIGH - has called out the following teammates in public: Jeff Garcia (49ers), Donovan McNabb (Eagles) and Tony Romo (Cowboys). He has also claimed to have intentionally dropped passes when his team didn't include him enough in the game plan. He did however play nice in Buffalo last season.

Funny Bengals Tweets - Vol. IV

You know the drill by now right?

Defensive tackle Tank Johnson (TankJohnson99) has strong opinions about infant wear and speed limits, then gives an intriguing incentive for following him:

• Has anyone seen those new Denim diapers??? I will slap the shit outta a lil kid if he got some Levi pampers! #Iswaretagawd
• Why is the speed limit in college school zones so slow? I mean by 18 u should be able to dodge a car with ease! #cmonASU #tightenup
• I'm tryin soo hard to get to 8 k followers! 8,000th follower gets a bucket of chicken maad wet wipes and a plunger! #fuxwitme
  

Defensive end Antwan Odom (AntwanOdom98) might be giving in to marketing a bit too much:

• Will using @OldSpice help me break the NFL sack record this year?
• Will @OldSpice keep the haters away?
• My manager said that was enough free promo for @OldSpice
  

Wide receiver/punt returner Quan Cosby (Cosby12) isn't sure if he should trust whitey:

• Big Question? White lady just saw my little girls and said u have beautiful little critters...should I b offended?? NE1 use those terms b4?

I'm really not sure what linebacker Dhani Jones' (DhaniJones) angle is:

• Ahhhhh smells... Do tell... Tell me more... Your thoughts of the best smells

Wide receiver Andre Caldwell (caldwell87) learned an important lesson:

• I learned this weekend to NEVER go shopping with 4 women it get real expensive and they take ALL DAMN DAY they never know what they want..
  

Tight end Reggie Kelly (ReggieKelly82) shared a moment that isn't so much funny as adorable:

• Ok 1 thing off my checklist finally, daughter now can ride bike by herself. Way to go baby girl!
  

Funny Bengals Tweets - Lebron James Edition

Given the circumstances in Ohio and the chatter on Twitter I've decided to bring you a LeBron James/Cavaliers/Heat version of Funny Bengals Tweets.

Former offensive lineman Willie Anderson (WillAnderson79) joked:

• He's gon stay in Cleveland tomorrow night[.] I mean so he can Pack!
  
• My Bday is Sun. I was gon hold a hour long special to let everyone know of my decision of where I'm going.
• So Does Dwade have to watch Lebron throw powder in the air every game?
  

Former defensive tackle Shaun Smith (sjs91) chimed in:

• Everyone get over it[.] the state [o]f Ohio will never win the big games so good luck.

Defensive tackle Tank Jonson (TankJohnson99) is crazy:

• Does anyone know where Lebron went? I been on jupiter ice fishin 4 star fish! Just landed from jupiter international! #GreetinEarthlingz

Wide receiver and punt returner Quan Cosby had a good point:

• Not gonna get into this too much but LB just nailed that live interview! Answered every ? Perfect, only thing wrong was talkin 3rd person ha

Wide receiver Chad Ochocinco (OGOchoCinco, allowable only for this special edition) has a suggestion for the Heat:

• #perfect world Shaq comes back to the Heat also and Pat Riley signs me to come off the bench when football season ends, i'd average 15 pts

Former linebacker David Pollack (davidpollack47) lends me a sobering conclusion:

• What does LeBron owe Cleveland, I'm confused? He just gave Clev the best seven years of their franchise
• The Cleveland franchise is currently worth 100 million more than it was when LeBron got there.
  

Funny Bengals Tweets Vol. III

Back for round three, the 'Stache brings you the newest installment of his column that takes the least original thought!

Linebacker Rey Maualuga (Maualuga58) tweeted while driving (presumably he still has his 2003 Pontiac Sunfire), then bought himself a new computer:

• Traffic on the 71? I thought I left that in LA.
• What apps shud I download for my Ipad besides angry birds...
  

Defensive tackle Tank Johnson (TankJohnson99) finally saw Avatar, then hit up Las Vegas:

• Avatar F'n awesome *pause* need more Crown! Holy Shit I'm in Pandora
• Cmon son a Avatar sex scene how can I live on earth anymore! This shits wack
• G string wita tail #stopit
• I hate humans! Greed money hungry bastards!

• Attention Vegas! Im comin to town to take all ya doh! So if u have a problem w it better stop me at baggage claim! Cuz #imfeelinlucky
• Finna turn this 50 bucks into a few million! #trynstopme! Bet on black! And waitresses in short skirts please avoid my blackjack table thx
  

Linebacker Dhani Jones (DhaniJones) has body issues:

• I'm serious... What's up with everybody hating on chest hair... No razor, no clippers, no waxing, allow men to be men
  

Former offensive tackle Willie Anderson (WillAnderson79) offered up advice on meeting women:

• Guy just told me when he meets a woman he checks out her arms. Lol He said "Boobs, butt, eye lashes etc can be fake. Arms tell the truth ...
• Lol That's funny. My brother told me to check a woman's health history and her family's. I guess Women can and should do the same!

Rookie linebacker Roddrick Muckelroy (youngMuck38 - an awesome handle by the way) really enjoyed his dinner:

• first time really just eatting at Chipotle it was good i must say lol
  
• feel like a king an i just found my crown :)
  

The Bengal's Big Chance

The Bengals have become well known in the Mike Brown era of ownership for making some of the worst personnel decisions in the league. The goal appears to be simple: build an incredibly unstable core of possibly talented, but definitely combustible athletes.

The question of why Brown chooses to run his team this way is moot. But assuming insanity in Cincinnati (Cinsanity?) really is the goal, there's one obvious obstacle in his way: these players keep getting arrested, suspended, drunk, fat, or in one tragic case dead.

So each and every year the Bengals sign the newest generation of miscreants. I'll go back a couple of years to illustrate:

In 2007 drunkard Odell Thurman and general asshole Shuan Smith (who was brought back to the team for a few games in 2009) left the team. The Bengals went out and got Harvard (freaking Harvard) quarterback Ryan "Crazy Legs" Fitzpatrick. In 2008 the team lost Chris Henry to suspension. They replaced him by drafting DUI machine Jason Shirley, and signing Jordan Palmer, who runs the ridiculously nerdy RunPee. Later in the season they added Cedric "DUI-by-land-or-by-sea" Benson.

Funny Bengals Tweets Vol. I

I left out Ochocinco (OGOchoCinco) since his Twitter account is basically a constant best-of-twitter. But here's the best of what the rest of the team has recently offered.

Tank Johnson (TankJohnson99) had the following to offer:

• Watching white folks eat fried chicken may be one of my most enjoyable things to do! Its like a 5 year old w a rubicks cube!
• The don't [know] where to start or when its all done lmao! My best friend is white so I'm NOT racist! Its just very funny!
• The dismay on they face makes it soooo funny! Do I bite it, use a fork, no a spoon, let's watch Tank.
• Let's not take this outta context we talkin bout chicken mane! Chic chic chicken mane! I challenge everyone to observe and report!
  

Former Bengals right tackle Willie Anderson (WillAnderson79) noted:

• BIGGE and SHAQ stater the BIG Man is In Campaign in the early 90's. They put us on the map! Lol BIG Men rule now! Lol
• Men should make up a holiday call "REAL MEN'S DAY" For all the REAL MEN Out here that do what their supposed to Do! Lol
• And Hell Yes we expect gifts! Lol

Linebacker Keith Rivers (rivers55) made the observations:

• everyone like pulp fiction but I guess not very many fans of hollywood shuffle*

*link added by me

Linebacker Dhani Jones (DhaniJones), referencing his "Dhani Tackles the Globe" show for the Travel Channel, suggested:

• Send me to space... How about a petition to send me to the moon or anywhere else for that matter
• "Dhani Tackles Space"

Former linebacker David Pollack (davidpollack47), watching the NCAA basketball tournament observed:

• Purdue vs Duke I can't say I'm looking forward to that to much. Alot of white men that can't jump on that floor
• White men can't jump was on TV today and man do I love that movie. I never watch the ending though bc it's way to depressing

Until next time, same Dank time, same Dank place