PHX Suns mathematized.

Magic got magic...with a GENIE!

As a co-writer from before Andy "the turd" Young will now be seen as young_turd.

It's said that the Magic got its name from the Magical Kingdom of Disney (although NBA.com doesn't quote that) but I do think Disney had a hand in this one by lending the team their genie. Although this genie was not played by Robin Williams he did get front row seats and was seated right by the Magic's endzone. So, after rubbing on this old dusty lamp what was Stan Van Gundy's wishes. And remember you can't wish for more wishes. One would think that he could have wish for three wins which would send it to game 7 and we all know how much Zaza loves that. But since this is the first time he has been spotted I don't think any wishes were used in the win from game 4. Therefor I will base his wishes on game 5 only.

1. Jake Sully ejected

With the refs in this game calling it pretty close, yet letting some flagrant go, it allowed for Kendrick Perkins aka Jake Sully to be ejected from the game for getting two technicals. Both of which were completely absurd. The second technical did get rescinded.

2. Big Baby turns into a baby

Big Baby Davis got knocked the fuck out and forgot how to walk. Literally crawling back to the bench after receiving a concussion inducing blow from Howard's gigantic elbow and arms. This sent the baby out for the game and questionable for the next. I am actually impressed we didn't see tears. Later Celtics Daniels also gets TKO'd by putting his head against the chest of Rashard Lewis. This happened right in front of the genie by the way so I don't think it was a wish from Van Gundy.

3. Rasheed Wallace fouls out

Rasheed Wallace was gone like that bald spot in his hair, receiving his sixth foul with four minutes to go in the game. However by this time it really didn't matter since Orlando pretty much had control of the game. It was a wasted wish by Van Gundy and I think a bit selfish just to watch Wallace collect six.

Overall the performance of the Celtics wasn't that impressive but either was the reffing. Rondo picked up a technical for asking about a foul and then a little talking back after getting warned. Garnett only had 5 rebounds to Howard's 10. Howard had an amazing game with 21 points, 10 rebounds, 5 blocks and 2 steals. Nelson was also on fire with 24 points and lightning fast speed comparable to Muggsy Bogues. Paul 'most pathetic facial hair in the nba' Pierce did pretty well with 18 points 3 assist and 3 boards. Speaking of hair, 'stick wax' Redick answered back off the bench with 14 points 1 assist and 1 rebound. The Celtics looked about as pathetic as "Return of Jafar."

We shall see if the genie follows them to Boston. I don't believe he had wristbands on which makes him a free genie but Van Gundy is out of wishes. We shall see if Orlando will be able to pull of the first ever 3-0 NBA series comeback.

Thursday Throwback Posterization: Marion Finishes Oop Over Kobe

With the Suns evening up the series against the Lakers on Tuesday night, I felt it was appropriate for this week's Throwback Posterization to be a Suns player dunking on a Laker. I was hoping to find a video with two players who still play for both respective teams, but I had to settle for less. It was either young Amare dunking on Karl Malone during his days with LA, or Shawn Marion as a Sun dunking on Kobe. Marion's dunk was sweeter, so I went with it. Plus, I figure the Dank Game community would prefer seeing Kobe get served.

This dunk is from the first round of the 2006 NBA Playoffs, in which the 2nd seeded Suns came back from a 3-1 deficit to eliminate the 7th seeded Lakers. Before this year's series started, several Lakers cited this 2006 first round elimination as a source of motivation to seek vengeance on the Suns. Here's to hoping the Lakers blow another comfortable lead to Phoenix in the playoffs.

Now onto that dunk. Kobe gets stuck playing 1 on 2 against Diaw and Marion as his teammates attempt to force a turnover on the other end. After the Suns get the ball down court, Kobe is pretty much screwed, as Diaw lobs it to Marion for the throw down over Kobe.

Wait, the Bengals Are Good Now?

The national media will always hate the Bengals. The Browns, Ravens and especially the Steelers have so many homers that for most pundits the 2006 crime spree is the only thing the Bengals conjure. But those who actually follow the Bengals closely have all reluctantly started to admit that this team is looking really good.

Just about every local Bengals publication I puruse with any regularity (with the sole exception of CBSsports) has Cincinnati poised to repeat a winning season and a playoff berth. Of course every team is optimistic after the draft, not knowing just how much production they'll get from their rookies and dreaming about the best. But Bengals fans are not the most optimistic of NFL fans - in fact outside of maybe Detroit they're probably the most pessimistic.

So it really means something when some Bengals beat writers actually give the team credit. And if every other blog in town is going to write a Bengals-to-the-Superbowl? article in May, I will not be left out. So let's look at some examples of what others are saying.

Cincyjungle.com has run posts from practically all of their writers with the proclaimation that the Bengals are poised to repeat a successful season, and in theory will be even better than last year. Pat Kirwin of NFL.com believes the Bengals are a "Tier 2" team, meaning that they should make the playoffs. Even WhoDeyRevolution, who exist to insist that owner Mike Brown shouldn't make football decisions for his team, have admitted that the Bengals, somehow, are good. I could go on.

Hero Ball

You have to hand it to Dwight Howard. Playing like it was a closeout game, going off for 32 points and 16 rebounds, he controlled the glass when it mattered in the overtime period. The Celtics missed their chance to win the game at the end of regulation with Paul Peirce's errant dribble. It looked like they were trying to play hero ball. They didn't seem like they were trying to make plays for each other on the last several possessions of regulation.

Thursday Throwback Posterization: Shaq Crushes Kelvin Cato

With Shaq's future up in the air and the Lakers' recent dominance, I figured now was an opportune time to use a slam by Shaq during his prime years in LA. I'm pretty sure this is from the 1998-99 season, which was the season of the lockout.

Somehow Shaq ended up on his ass on the defensive end, and for some reason the Blazers neglected to clog the lane as Shaq storms down the court. As Derek Harper is being double-teamed by Brian Grant and Kelvin Cato, he finds Shaq as he comes down the open lane. Cato is late to contest the dunk and Shaq just absolutely destroys him.

Classical Finale

Let me go on record as saying Mike Brown should be fired. I had a little Lebron fatigue this week because of all the coverage. Only World Wide Wes could really have any insight, but, like Gnarls Barkley, who cares? It's a lot of talk for a team that lost three straight--reminds me of Bill Belicheck last year talking about the Patriots.

It looks like another Celtics v Lakers final, which is really what the NBA conspiracy theorists should worry about. I mean seriously, only Nike wants Lebron v Kobe, not David Stern. The team everyone should be talking about is the Celtics. I know the Lakers are the defending champs, but the Celtics were sans KG last year. Last I remember the Celtics with KG, they ripped the Lakers in the Finals and everyone was questioning Pau Gasol's toughness.

Both teams are a little older; I wonder which one has the toughness to win. This is what the Lakers got Ron Artest for. Ron could be the defensive leader they lacked in 2008. I think people sometimes forget that Ron led the Rockets last year, the only team in the Playoffs to take the Lakers to 7 games. But Rasheed Wallace gives the Celtics even more toughness as well. It should be a great series, but here I go talking like the match up is already set. Damn, is Dank Game becoming the George Noory of the NBA blogosphere?

Brooklyn Thunder? Not Gonna Happen

For the first time in Dank Game history, one of our popular conspiracy theories has been lobbied at yours truly, teenage_mustache.

Specifically (if you don't feel like clicking the hyperlink above or the "read more" link on the post below), SlimMcBitchTits and some hack co-conspirator Andy "the turd" Young have suggested that LeBron's looming free agency could impact my beloved Oklahoma City Thunder. The suggestion is as laughable as the Cavaliers' defense against Garnett and Rondo.

While I appreciate Andy and Slim trying to look past the obvious - recognizing OKC, Northern Ohio and NYC interests convening at an opportune time - let's look at the facts. First off, the Thunder is one of the few teams that truly doesn't need King James. I'd like to remind you that Durant actually outscored LeBron this season. I don't see Durant and LeBron on the same team outside of the Olympics. Someone even asked Durant via Twitter (KDthunderup) if he'd like to see the Thunder sign LeBron and he responded more or less to the tune of; 'no, this is my team.'

End of an Era in Cleveland?

I know, the Cavs are out of the playoffs and there's still more basketball to be played until someone hoists up the Larry O'Brien Trophy in early June, but until then, here's another post on the last Dank Game-endorsed squad to be eliminated from the playoffs. This is a collaboration between myself and guest writer/Dank Game loyalist, Andy Young.

So this is a post I have wanted to make for quite sometime and maybe it’s a bit late, just like the Cavs' performances in the last three games. Enough has been said about LeBron, but now speculations that crazy Delonte West had an affair with LeBron’s mother have begun to surface. The authorities are citing this as the reason why LeBron went from averaging over 30 points per game in the playoffs to just over 21 points and over 6 turnovers for the final three games. I mean really, West having intercourse with Miss James is like Peter and Paul running a train on Mary. (The biblical Peter, Paul and Mary, not the shitty folk band from the 60’s) The “WITNESS” shirts might have to be recalled until this scandal subsides. I’m sure West was too busy freestyling about barbecue sauce to sweet talk Miss James into something that's finger lickin' good, but then again, maybe she is trying to conceive the next greatest thing to ever happen to basketball.

But let's talk about the rest of the team. Shaq Fu, I love you but you're old. Just about as old as the original Aristotle. Like his free throw shooting, Osama Bin Shaq was just too slow to make a difference defending in the paint against Jake Sully (Kendrick Perkins looks like an avatar) and Big Baby, who won’t be crying until he faces Dwight Howard or is yelled at by Kevin Garnett. Speaking of Garnett, let’s not also forget the Big Ticket's fade away jumpers that no one could defend. Not even "Wild Thang" Varejão could stop KG, who did come up pretty big with his frantic offense and constant effort, excluding the time he quit playing because he was bleeding and begging for a foul call. Overall, the Cavs just looked about as pathetic as the Flats in Cleveland.

The Half Court Heave: Witchcraft Guys

The Half Court Heave is back with our third episode. We get into the Cavs early playoff exit, the LeBron Sweepstakes, both conference finals matchups, our concept for a two-man comedy routine, bloomin' onions, dead wrestlers, and much much more.

Also, let Ryan know if he should get an English Bulldog, Black Lab, Golden Retriever, or Akita.



Download the Half Court Heave Episode 3: Witchcraft Guys

Intro Song: "Friction" by Television
Break Song: "It Seems Like Nothing's Gonna Come My Way Today" by the Outsiders
Outro Song: "Rhymes Like Dimes" by M.F. Doom featuring Cucumber

Fascinating Failure

Another year, another early playoff exit for LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavaliers. This was supposed to be their year, but they came up short against a wily Boston Celtics team that put it all together after waffling through the second half of the regular season. While the Celtics deserve praise for how they handled the Cavs, much of this epic collapse falls on the Cavaliers organization.

Despite being the best regular season team two seasons in a row with the league's back-to-back MVP, the Cavs' personnel moves have reeked of desperation ever since they pulled the trigger on the Shaq trade this past summer. With the clock ticking down on LeBron's impending free agency, Cleveland's management made decisions that were supposedly meant to put the Cavs over the hump, when in reality they were making decisions in an attempt to appease LeBron James. Of course this is easier said in hindsight, but the Cavs made moves simply because they could, not necessarily because they should. These trades culminated in another heartbreaking season for Cavs fans that was wrought in irony.

It Was a Great Ride While It Lasted

All's quiet on the Dank Game front.  I assume everyone is simply bummed out about the Cavs burning out.  I had a weird feeling before the game last night that it would be LeBron James' last game in a Cavaliers uniform.  Obviously it's too early to make any strong predictions on impending free agency, but the feeling lingers.

Dwyane Wade might leave Miami.  James might leave Cleveland.  But Kevin Durant will not be leaving the Thunder.  Nor will Russell Westbrook or even Serge "The Congolese Squeeze" Ibaka.  The Thunder are the only Dank Game approved team on the way up.

So now is the time Dank Game.  Get on board the Thunder train.  The Flaming Lips are from Oklahoma City - it can't be that bad.

And in the meantime you might as well root for the Suns or even the Magic.  I will not tolerate another Lakers-Celtics Finals.

What Role Will LeBron Play Tonight?

Tonight LeBron James and his Cavaliers will hit the road, putting their season on the line in Boston. What role will LeBron play tonight against the Celtics? Can he channel his inner Mel Gibson and come out of the visitor's locker room of TD Banknorth Garden as a road warrior? Or...

Thursday Throwback Posterization: LeBron Over KG

Normally, for Throwback Posterizations, I like to find videos of dunks from at least ten years ago. Hence the name Throwback Posterization. But this week I'm making an exception and using a dunk from just two years ago.

With the internet going nuts over LeBron's miserable outing two nights ago, I figured it'd be appropriate to show a video of what LeBron should have been doing in game 5 at the Q. This is from game 4 of the 2008 Eastern Conference Semifinals, which the Cavs would win to even the series at two games a piece. The Celtics would go on to win the series en route to their 17th championship in franchise history.

LeBron has Pierce guarding him at the top of the key and loses him by dribbling around a pick by Joe Smith. James Posey comes out to help Pierce, so LeBron does a quick fake as if he's going to crossover into the paint. Posey bites on LeBron's fake forcing Garnett to come off of Varejao to help, but LeBron is just too quick in elevating to the rack.

Despite this being a memorable dunk in and of itself, Marv Albert proclaiming that LeBron has "no regard for human life" makes it that much more of a classic.

Season In Balance

Last night, in a game that should have been approached as a must-win game 7, the Cavaliers came out on their home court and played like it was a scrimmage. Hell, I'd expect a team to show more intensity in an off-season charity game. The Cavs were outperformed in nearly every aspect of the game as Boston dismantled Cleveland in a 120-88 blowout, good for the Cavs' worst home playoff loss ever.

If you're a Cavs fan, you'd like to credit Paul Pierce and the Boston defense for holding James to 15 points on 3-14 shooting, but the fact of the matter is that LeBron's poor performance falls largely on his own shoulders. He started the game getting his teammates involved with 4 assists in the first quarter, which is all well and good, but he should have started attacking the rim sooner than he did. James just couldn't hit a shot in the first half, and when he did start to take it to the hoop in the second quarter, Boston smartly made him earn it at the line to prevent him from getting in rhythm.

The second quarter was possibly some of the ugliest basketball I've seen during these playoffs outside of the Hawks pitiful performance against the Magic. The Cavs were stuck at 29 points for nearly 6 minutes, turning the ball over and missing shot after shot as they basically invited the Celtics to take the lead into the half. Garnett was having his way with Jamison, Pierce got into a rhythm for the first time this series, and Mo couldn't keep up with Ray Allen as he moved without the ball and knocked down jumpers. Keep in mind that a lot of this was going down without Rondo on the floor.

An Open Letter to Lebron

Come on big dawg, you could eat this team, lock them in your jaws. It's your time, take it. Be great. ESPN has already sentenced you to death, are they right? You and Shaq are the strongest guys on the court. Pick and roll, get to the rim, and use that strength.

Could Science Explain Rapistberger's Actions?

I suppose you could mark this one under the Dank Game conspiracy files. As you are undoubtedly aware, I have not shied from Steeler-related conspiracies in the past.

Well, here's some background if you need it:

The starting quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers, Ben Roethlisberger, keeps going around raping women, crashing motorcycles and generally acting like an asshole. Even after winning two Superbowls with the team, even the often incompetent Pittsburgh citizenry is getting tired of Ben's antics. Ultimately, Ben has been suspended for the first six games of the 2010 season.

I'll cut to a quick Steel Legends (one of Pittsburgh's finest) to explain what this means for the Steelers:

The most interesting thing about Rapistberger-Gate isn't so much how much of terrible of a person Ben really is. What's fascinating is that people are trying to hard to figure out WHY he's such a turd. After his 2006 motorcycle accident and multiple on-field concussions some think that head trauma is at least in part responsible for his more sociopathic actions.

Spurs Swept! Suns On The Rise!

Wow. I did not see that coming. I've said time and time again this season that the Suns couldn't go any further than the second round. Well, not only did they prove me wrong, but they did so in convincing fashion as they swept the Spurs en route to their first appearance in the conference finals since 2006. After having been eliminated by San Antonio four times in the playoffs since 2003, with Nash on three of those four teams, the Suns have finally overcome the Spurs.

Although they completed the sweep, they didn't leave San Antonio unscathed. Halfway through the 3rd quarter with the Suns up 64-57, Steve Nash caught an inadvertent elbow above his right eye from Tim Duncan who was pulling up for a shot. Nash returned after having six stitches, with the Spurs taking the lead at one point during his absence. The Suns recaptured the lead though, heading into the fourth up 72-71.

Upon his return, Nash's eye was swollen shut and it took on a shade of purple darker than the Suns' jerseys. It looked disgusting to say the least. Despite only being able to see through his left eye, Nash showed incredible poise as the Suns continued to outclass San Antonio. He scored 10 of his 20 points in the decisive fourth quarter, including a huge three-pointer on a fast break that gave the Suns an 80-77 lead. Nash also dished five of his nine assists in the fourth as well. The Spurs had no answer for Nash and Stoudemire's pick and roll offense, as Amare hit a few long jumpers to help seal the win.

The Spurs nearly made a game of it in the final two minutes, as they overcame a 10-point deficit. George Hill was fouled by Amare on a converted three-pointer with under 30 seconds left, and he would hit the free throw to bring the score to 103-101. But the Suns would hang on to win after two Grant Hill free throws, a missed Ginobili three-pointer, and two more free throws from Jason Richardson.

Killer Instinct

I really liked the way the Cavs went after the Celtics right from the start last night. Lebron killed it in the first quarter, lighting it up for 21 points on his way to 38, 8 rebounds, and 7 assists. The Cavs defense turned Rondo into a jump shooter. He did make several shots, but the Cavs will live with that all day, especially when he takes threes.

Mike Brown did a great job with the match-ups, putting Anthony Parker on Rondo and Mo Williams on Ray Allen. Parker's length makes it a little tougher on Rondo and his position defense is far better than Mo's. Ray Allen is less consistent in games now so he could hide Mo Williams on him. As soon as Ray Allen got a couple shots over Williams and started to get in a rhythm Brown pulled Williams and brought in Delonte West, who is a much better defender. I think this definitely kept Ray Allen from getting hot, he finished 2-9 from the floor for only 7 points.

The Bengal's Big Chance

The Bengals have become well known in the Mike Brown era of ownership for making some of the worst personnel decisions in the league. The goal appears to be simple: build an incredibly unstable core of possibly talented, but definitely combustible athletes.

The question of why Brown chooses to run his team this way is moot. But assuming insanity in Cincinnati (Cinsanity?) really is the goal, there's one obvious obstacle in his way: these players keep getting arrested, suspended, drunk, fat, or in one tragic case dead.

So each and every year the Bengals sign the newest generation of miscreants. I'll go back a couple of years to illustrate:

In 2007 drunkard Odell Thurman and general asshole Shuan Smith (who was brought back to the team for a few games in 2009) left the team. The Bengals went out and got Harvard (freaking Harvard) quarterback Ryan "Crazy Legs" Fitzpatrick. In 2008 the team lost Chris Henry to suspension. They replaced him by drafting DUI machine Jason Shirley, and signing Jordan Palmer, who runs the ridiculously nerdy RunPee. Later in the season they added Cedric "DUI-by-land-or-by-sea" Benson.

Thursday Throwback Posterization: Horry on Terry Mills

Unfortunately the video quality on this Throwback Posterization is sub-par at best, but this is such a sick dunk that I just had to post it anyway. This is from back in the mid to late 90s when someone in the Pistons organization decided to change their team colors to teal and red, and to incorporate a horse into their logo. Not a good idea. But hey, it was the 90s. There were a lot of bad ideas going on with sports teams logos and jerseys.

Ok, back to the dunk. This is one of those all or nothing dunks. The type where you just launch your body at the defender and pray in mid-air that you'll be able to reach the rim. And if you don't, you're probably in for a nasty fall. In this case, Horry was able to reach the rim and put the ball through the hoop while picking up the and 1 for good measure.

The Black Mamba Strikes Again

Kobe showed off his closing ability and truly looked like the black mamba of old. He broke down Wesley Matthews in the post several times in the fourth quarter, getting to the foul line with impunity. On the day Lebron was awarded the MVP it was crazy to see Kobe going to the line with the MVP chants rocking at Staples Center. Lebron got 116 out of 123 votes so I'm sure Kobe wanted to show that the vote shouldn't have been that one sided.

All schoolyard MVP talk aside, the Lakers looked really good defensively in this game. Odom and Gasol wouldn't let Milsap or Boozer get up many easy shots. The Lakers are finally starting to look like the team everyone was talking about at the beginning of the year with their versatile defenders. They even put Ron Artest on Deron Williams for some of the game. Phil Jackson may need to do that more going forward because about all Derek Fisher can do is foul Deron Williams. Williams torched them for 17 points in the first quarter.

I can't wait for game 2 because, despite the way the Lakers played, the Jazz had a chance to win at the end of the game. They were actually up 4 late in the fourth before Kobe took over the game.

Farewell 2009-2010 Thunder

Alas, the former champs finally did get the best of the up-and-coming Oklahoma City Thunder. Two Dank Game teams down, one to go.

Having been a lifelong fan of Cincinnati sports, this is the least I've ever felt badly about a promising season coming to an end. With the Reds and the Bengals, you always kind of know that a winning season will not be followed by another.

So maybe it's a blessing that Cincinnati lost the Royals. It frees up SlimMcFavorite and myself to become free agent fans. Also fortunate is that we weren't douchey enough to become Celtics or Lakers fanboys (or have hair like the pictured Thunder fan).

So unlike the Cincinnati teams, I know I won't have to wait twenty years for another solid Thunder squad. Only seven regular season wins separated them from the defending champ Lakers. And in their series against the best in the West, the Thunder took two games, and lost by a basket or less in two others.

And here's the real kicker: This is about as young as an NBA team could possibly be. Every core member of the team hovers within a year or so of 21. And unlike almost every other team in the league right now, the Thunder aren't about to implode amidst the much ballyhooed 2010 free agent sweepstakes.

So I feel I can safely say this team is only a few years away from at least threatening a deep playoff run - conference finals or further. Meanwhile I'm just hoping the Bengals can post back-to-back winning season for the first time in 28 years.

The Rarest Jordans To Ever Hit eBay

As I was browsing Air Jordans on eBay tonight, I stumbled across something a little more interesting than the usual old Jordan 11's with icy soles gone yellow and atrocious Jordan Brand fusions. I think I may have discovered the holy grail of Jordans, y'all... original white, metallic black Air Jordan 1's from 1985. According to eBay seller quickclicksales, these are the rarest Jordans to ever hit eBay... and they're in my size. Apparently these things weren't even released to the public, with only a few samples made. So I'm asking for your advice Dank Gamers, should I drop $3,700 (FREE shipping!!!) so that I can own what I can only assume are the dopest and rarest shoes in the city of Cincinnati if not the entire Midwest? I could also try my hand at bartering, as this item features the "Make Offer" option.

In case you're wondering, I'm not actually considering purchasing these. Would be tight to own 'em though.

NOTHING EASY!!!

Zaza Pachulia and the Hawks overcame their fear of the deer in game 6 in Milwaukee and have pushed the series to the fateful game 7. Zaza knows better than anyone else that nothing's easy, but it might be a little easier this time around now that the Hawks will have the actual support of their fans on Sunday afternoon. Oh, and they'll be playing the Bucks rather than the Celtics. But still, Zaza knows... NOTHING EASY!!! GAME 7, BABY!!! WE LOVE YOU!!! WOOOO!!!