Could Science Explain Rapistberger's Actions?

I suppose you could mark this one under the Dank Game conspiracy files. As you are undoubtedly aware, I have not shied from Steeler-related conspiracies in the past.

Well, here's some background if you need it:

The starting quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers, Ben Roethlisberger, keeps going around raping women, crashing motorcycles and generally acting like an asshole. Even after winning two Superbowls with the team, even the often incompetent Pittsburgh citizenry is getting tired of Ben's antics. Ultimately, Ben has been suspended for the first six games of the 2010 season.

I'll cut to a quick Steel Legends (one of Pittsburgh's finest) to explain what this means for the Steelers:

The most interesting thing about Rapistberger-Gate isn't so much how much of terrible of a person Ben really is. What's fascinating is that people are trying to hard to figure out WHY he's such a turd. After his 2006 motorcycle accident and multiple on-field concussions some think that head trauma is at least in part responsible for his more sociopathic actions.

Another Dank Game Conspiracy Theory: The Cosmic Powers of Great Lakes' Christmas Ale

It's been made no secret that us Dank Gamers enjoy beer, and last night was certainly no exception. It began as a typical night of drinking and watching football, but quickly turned into a drunken dream world thanks to Cleveland's infamous Christmas Ale. Not only does it get you drunk faster due to it's 7.5% ABV (Alcohol By Volume), but it also affects the balance of the universe in inexplicable, cosmic ways. Seriously. How else would the Cleveland Browns sack Ben Roethlisberger eight times en route to a 13-6 victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers? It's gotta be the Christmas Ale.

I'm sure you're reading this and thinking it's some kind of joke, and I don't blame you for doubting me. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but hear me out. I have plenty of evidence that proves Christmas Ale is truly an otherworldly beverage that affects Cleveland's sports teams when consumed in high volumes. This isn't the first time we at Dank Game have dabbled in conspiracy theories, and it certainly won't be the last.

Great Lakes only produces Christmas Ale during the holiday season, and the Cleveland Cavaliers have yet to win a championship despite having arguably the most gifted athlete to ever set foot on a basketball court. What's the connection here? If Great Lakes continued to produce Christmas Ale throughout the NBA Playoffs and Cleveland sports fans consumed large quantities of it, I honestly believe that the Cavs would finally bring home the Larry O'Brien Trophy. If only Clevelanders had the self control to ration their Christmas Ale for the playoffs. Of course, that's asking way too much of Clevelanders, though.

Still not convinced? You will be after reading the following paragraph.

According to Wikipedia, there was a shortage of Christmas Ale in 2007 due to high demand and low production owing to a shortage of honey. The very same year, the Browns had a breakthrough season after trading starting quarterback Charlie Frye to the Seattle Seahawks and promoting backup Derek Anderson to a starter. In his first start, Anderson led the Browns to a 51-45 win over the Cincinnati Bengals, tying the franchise record of five touchdown passes in a single game. The Browns would finish the season at 10-6, which was their best record since 1994. Despite these accomplishments, they barely missed the playoffs due to a tie-breaker. What would the Browns' fate have been that season had there not been a shortage of Christmas Ale?

What is it that makes Christmas Ale such a mystical beer? I suspect Great Lakes uses some secret ingredient that allows it to affect Cleveland sports in mysterious ways. They claim that its main ingredients are sweet barley with a hint of cinnamon, ginger, and honey, but I don't think they're letting us know everything. Maybe it's a drop of "water" from the Cuyahoga, or a pinch of talcum powder collected from LeBron James' pregame ritual. Whatever it is, I'm going to get to the bottom of it. Who wants to join me in a road trip to Cleveland to sneak into the Great Lakes Brewery? I guess we can go to a Cavs game while we're there, too.

Football Conspiracy Theorist

Overview

A somewhat widely believed conspiracy theory is that President John F. Kennedy was assassinated as part of a centuries-old Masonic ritual known as the Killing of the King.

Freemasons are also often accused of staging the 1969 (and subsequent) moon landings, being devil worshippers, and leaving a treasure map on the back of the $1.00 bill for Nicholas Cage to stumble upon (or something like that. I never actually saw either of those movies).

Well, bear with me world, because I am here to propose a new and exiting Masonic conspiracy theory, and this one involves Football.

Background

Flash back about 700 years or so and what we might today call a trade union was formed by united European stone cutters. Presumably done to ensure fair wages and proper treatment, this is clearly the humble beginnings of the Free-Masons. In the ensuing centuries the outfit evolved into a secret society. Perhaps they still cut stones??

Flash back about 250 years ago and the United States is being founded by a group of former British subjects at what might have been the height of Freemason popularity. Multiple founding fathers were freemasons including George Washington and Ben Franklin. Freemasonry was spread through the colonies, and west of the Appalachians where the British had previously not allowed their colonists to settle.

Flash back about 70 years ago, and the Pirates of football are founded in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania - at the time a booming manufacturing town. In fact, the city's steel production was so prominent that a short while later the team changed it's name to the "Steelers"

After winning it's 6th superbowl, the city changed it's name to "Sixburgh" (they seriously did this officially for a day, or an hour, or something. And the mayor breifly changed his name to Steelerstahl).

Getting to the Point

I am suggesting that the success of the Pittsburgh Steelers is engineered by the Freemasons. I have the following evidence:

1. If you've ever heard Terry Bradshaw talk you'd think that the only way this guy could have won 4 world championships is if they were in the Special Olympics. Surely this couldn't have been the best quarterback in football. Roethlisberger, while seemingly a little more mentally nimble, doesn't fare much better.

2. A drive through Western Pennsylvania, West Virginia and Central/Eastern Ohio will reveal a shocking number of Masonic Lodges. Just look for the compass and square. Even Cincinnati and Cleveland have quite a few, but these cities also have a shocking number of Steelers fans.

3. Pittsburgh is much too small of a city to field such a popular and successful football team. Generally the wildly popular and most successful American sports teams seem to be based in the largest metropolitan areas (New York Yankees and Giants, Boston Celtics and Redsocks, LA Lakers, Dallas Cowboys, Chicago Bulls, etc).

But the Steelers don't seem to have the limited number of fans to draw from that plagues other smaller town teams. Their fan base is so spread out across the country, one has to wonder if Freemasonry and Steeler fandom aren't linked.

4. Steel working is basically the 2oth century equivalent of stone masonry. Steel is clearly as important to major construction today as stone was in centuries past.

Is it possible that the steel unions and the Masons have a united cause, with the Steelers the symbolic fighters of such teams as the Tennessee Titans (of Industry), or the New Orleans Saints (assuming they really are devil worshippers)?

Conclusion

A quick search of NFL Freemasons revealed only one name: John Elway. Another search found no connection between the Steelers and the Freemasons (hopefully this post will change that). I also know of no other Freemason conspiracy theories that involve sports in any way.

So what I'm saying is that I have no evidence whatsoever to back up any of this. Which actually seems to be a common theme among conspiracy theories, so maybe this is a good one!

It may also be worth investigating if the New England Patriots success is somehow related to the Yale-based secret society Skull and Bones.

What do you think Dank Game universe?