Let The Madness Begin

On Thursday, the four players pictured on the left won't be able to put down their phones for a second without a phone call or text coming through. LeBron's phone will probably explode at 12:01 am on the dot, followed by Bosh's phone, then Wade's, then Stoudemire's, and then maybe Joe Johnson's. Actually, Joe Johnson will probably be sitting by his phone like an 8th grader waiting for his big crush to call him back. That big crush will probably end up being the Knicks who are only calling him because James, Bosh, Wade, and Stoudemire wouldn't sign on to play with Danilo Gallinari and scrubs.

This free agency period has the potential to alter the NBA's landscape more than any other in the league's history. The last time such a huge shift occurred in free agency was when Shaq left Orlando for the Lakers in 1996, and that signing took until 2000 for a championship to be delivered. If the three biggest names of this year's star-studded class–LeBron, Wade, and Bosh–decide to join forces to form the NBA's new big three, there's a good chance they could immediately win a championship together.

So what are the chances of those three teaming up?

Who the fuck knows. Reports are coming out from all over the place about supposed "done deals" already in place. LeBron and Bosh to Chicago, LeBron and Bosh to New York, and the latest rumor of LeBron and Bosh joining Wade in Miami are just a few of the scenarios that have been tossed around. Anyone who acts like they know for sure what's going to go down is probably full of shit. Stephen A. Smith can yell at the top of his lungs that the big three free agents are joining forces in Miami, but I won't believe it until it actually happens. Regardless, it's going to be fun to watch the pieces fall in place.

Yo MTV Raps!

Normally Slim covers the sneakers, but I just ran across this image and couldn't pass up posting it.

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

World Cup fever is in full swing, with the USA set to square off against Ghana at 2:30 EST. No more ties - we are now in the knock out round. Keeping in mind that this is the first time the United States has advanced from group play since 2002, you should probably be excited. Do yourself a favor and park your ass on a barstool somewhere and enjoy the World Cup while it lasts.

Trust me, it's way sweeter than the Olympics.


UPDATE:

They lost.

Feelin' Pretty Good About Miami's Draft

The NBA Draft happened last night and due to my extreme ignorance of college basketball, I'm not about to act like I know a damn thing about any of these players. If you're interested in reading about the overall outcome of the draft, I suggest you take a look at nbadraft.net's Instant Analysis and/or Tom Ziller's Draft Grades on NBA Fanhouse. I will instead focus my attention on my beloved Miami Heat's seemingly decent showing in the second round. I expect Teenage Trashstache will deliver his insight and analysis on the Thunder's draft night very soon. It will probably be something like twelve paragraphs of him raving about Cole Aldrich and how much heart he has. He'll also probably talk about Daequan "The Dayton Kid" Cook some more.

Now, onto the Heat's draft.

With the #32 pick Miami selected Dexter Pittman, a 6'11" 300 pound center from Texas, who apparently weighed almost 400 pounds in high school. He managed to drop 100 pounds, which supposedly earned him the admiration of none other than Sir Charles Barkley. At first, I was like, "why did Miami just pick some fat guy?" I was hoping they would pick up one of two 7-footers in Hassan Whiteside or Solomon Alabi, but after reading a bit and watching some video of Pittman, he seems to be a pretty athletic and skilled guy with a monstrous 7'6" wingspan. I know, I know. Watching youtube clips never tells the whole story, but I'm still excited to have a big body to man the paint. I'm hoping he'll be something like a hybrid of Big Baby and Kendrick Perkins, with Baby's motor and Perkin's D. Probably wishful thinking, but a Heat homer can hope, can't he? It's also worth noting that Pittman was a senior, so hopefully that experience at the college level will translate to the NBA. Also, this is a total buzzkill, but his fifteen year old brother was shot and killed just over a month ago, causing him to leave the NBA Draft combine.

With the #41 pick Miami selected another senior with freakish wingspan (7'4" and he's only 6'9" tall!) out of Mississippi State named Jarvis Varnado. Somehow the Heat managed to use their second pick on a player with an even sweeter name than their first draft pick, Dexter Pittman. I'm sure I'll eventually come up with a nickname for Varnado... like maybe something to do with tornados? In addition to having a totally sweet name, Varnado is the ALL-TIME LEADER FOR BLOCKS IN NCAA HISTORY!!! Yeah, sorry for writing that in all caps, but that kinda blew my mind upon reading it. He also is the only college player in history to record 1,000 points, 1,000 rebounds, and 500 blocks. I've been trying to keep from getting overly excited about this guy, but to get him in the second round seems like a pretty good pickup. Apparently his offensive game is very limited, but at the very least he provides an insurance policy should shot blocking specialist Joel Anthony leave Miami in free agency.

Throwback Posterization: T-Mac Crushes Some Scrub Named Kornel

I originally chose this T-Mac posterization because whoever uploaded it on youtube said it was from his rookie season, and I thought that would coincide nicely with tonight's NBA Draft. Turns out it's not from his rookie season, but it's a really nasty dunk, so I'm going with it. McGrady takes it coast to coast, shakes some dude around half court, and then throws it down hard on some scrub named Kornel David. As it turns out, Kornel David was a rookie in this clip, so my goal to have a rookie involved in this week's Throwback Posterization isn't lost after all. As soon as Kornel (what a weird name) jumps to contest the shot, he realizes he's about to get shat on so he just turns and falls to the ground with T-Mac comically riding on his back as he comes down from the dunk.

Somebody Up There Really Wants Me to Love the Thunder

Holy shit! Suddenly it makes sense for someone from Dayton, Ohio to root for the OKC Thunder.

Just when I was really starting to like the Thunder instead of just rooting for them on a whim, they go and do something to endure themselves to me forever. They call up SlimMcFettuccine's Miami Heat and say "Hey, can we have Daequan "The Dayton Kid" Cook, plus a better draft pick?" So Miami gave up an extremely valuable (read: marginal) player plus the 18th pick in the draft for the 32 overall pick.

I'm not even going to pretend that it makes sense to give up a player and a draft pick for a lower draft pick, but such is the way of the salary cap in the NBA. This guy from Bleacher Report says that he thinks the Heat want out of the first round so they don't have to guarantee any salaries for draft picks next year. What I want to know (hint, Slim) is who they do plan on paying to play in 2010-11?

Anyway, the Thunder now hold the 18th, 21st, 26th and 51st overall picks. So they'll pretty much be kicking everyone's ass (Miami's included) for the next decade. The best thing about it though is that I get to steal Slim's nickname!

*******

As an unrelated sidenote, I recently watched the classic musical Oklahoma. It was pretty gay but kind of cool in parts. Not so much the ones where they're singing though.

Ron!

Ron Artest is the fucking man. I almost want to just blog on Ron from now on. I'm a free agent, you know? I love how Dank Game is all free agents; being from Cincinnati we got no natural team. I stuck with Cleveland jus cause it's Ohio, but we are natural rivals. I mean when I was a kid no one gave a damn about Pittsburgh--they sucked--it was about Cleveland and Bernie Kosar v. Munoz and Boomer.

Its amazing how strong Ron looked in that series. That steal in the first half of game 7 was sick. He played so good in that game, but I think his most brilliant move was drawing Pierce into that double tech in game one. I mean, whats Pierce going to do after that? They both had a tech so they'd be kicked out with another one. Ron just manned up in that series.

Just How Corrupt Are Pennsylvania's Police?

Even before the incidents in Las Vegas, Nevada and Milledgeville, Georgia, it was known that Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger employed state troopers and city police as his personal entourage. This isn't on the surface a particularly odd phenomena. Police frequently moonlight as bouncers and body guards in all fifty states. But post-Rapistbergergate, Pennsylvania police are beginning to look as crooked as neighboring New Jersey.

Naturally the public scrutiny truly began after criminal rape charges were filed against Roethlisberger for having sex with a college student in this bathroom (seriously, this is via WPXI in Pittsburgh). Although the charges were dropped, enough evidence got out to make everyone involved look very bad. And once Georgia Police released the interviews, things went from bad to worse.

For starters, Ben was fittingly wearing a shirt with an image of Lucifer on the front, as seen in this picture from the night in question (via The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette with the accuser digitally blurred). And from WPXI, these disturbing quotes:

• After taking a round of shots purchased by Roethlisberger, the accuser said one of Roethlisberger's body guards led her down a hallway.
• Accuser: "It was kind of like they [Roethlisberger and his entourage] had planned it. Because the entire night we were asking him 'Why are you here?' And he said, 'Oh, just trying to change it up.' And we were like OK, that's weird. You're in a college town and you're 28 years old. It's weird."
• Accuser: "He had me sit at this stool and like 30 seconds later Ben comes back there, his penis was already out of his pants. And I was like, 'No, this is not right, I don't agree with this.'"

In addition to the allegations of the accuser that Roethlisberger and his entourage planned the alleged incident, several girls accompanying her that night tell stories that further implicate the involvement of the bodyguards. According to the Post-Gazette, three girls in addition to the accuser said they saw one of the bodyguards lead the accuser to the bathroom after buying the girls drinks all night. And two say that the bodyguards would not allow them to follow their friend into the bathroom. It's pretty clear that the members of Ben's entourage knew exactly what was going on, forcefully preventing others from stopping the crime, and thus becoming accessories to rape.

Ron Artest: Champion

I don't feel like taking the time to tell you why these post-game interviews are amazing. I'll just let Ron Ron do the talking.

Appreciate This Moment, Folks

Tonight's the night, Dank Gamers! Since October, everything has been building towards this moment. Appreciate it, because it's not often that the Finals come down to a game 7 with two evenly matched opponents. Who knows what's going to happen.

The outcome of this game is huge for so many reasons. If the Lakers win, it will vault Kobe Bryant into a realm that few others have. He will, without a doubt, be one of the greatest ever to step on the hardwood. Also, if the Lakers win, Pau Gasol will shed the label that he is "soft" once and for all. And if Derek Fisher hits a big shot at some point down the stretch, he will come to be regarded as the new Robert Horry. For Phil Jackson, it will just be another year, another ring.

If the Celtics win, the big four will cement their legacies as true Celtic greats. Paul Pierce has probably already left his mark as a Boston legend, so this game weighs more on the legacies of Kevin Garnett and Ray Allen. If they lose, Allen and Garnett could be remembered somewhat less favorably assuming this is their last shot at a title with Boston. Don't get me wrong, both are future Hall of Famers who will be remembered as champions, but a win tonight will greatly impact their legacies for the better. As for Rondo, he's got plenty of time to shape his own legacy, but a second championship in his fourth year in the league certainly wouldn't hurt.

Anyhow, there's nothing I can tell you that hasn't already been said, so just sit back and enjoy the biggest game in basketball to happen in years. I would make a prediction, but I truly have absolutely no idea what to expect.

Do The Celtics or Lakers Have The Secret?

I've got to admit, I've had trouble pulling together inspiration to write about these NBA Finals. It's not that they've been bad, in fact they've been pretty damn good. I just haven't figured out an angle on them yet that hasn't been run into the ground elsewhere on the internet.

To find inspiration, I've turned to one of the most enigmatic sportswriters: Bill Simmons. I honestly haven't read much of his writing in the past, but he recently released a 700-page book titled The Book of Basketball and I just started reading it. I usually have trouble finishing 200-page books, so that probably gives you an idea of how dorky my fascination with basketball has become.

The second chapter of Simmons' book is all about The Secret to creating championship teams, which was revealed to him by none other than Isiah Thomas during a topless pool party in Vegas. If you're not picking up on the irony of Isiah Thomas telling him The Secret to basketball, look into Isiah's tenure as President of Basketball Operations for the Knicks. But Isiah really did know The Secret, and it goes something like this:

SPOILER ALERT!

There's a WORLD Cup?

The title's a joke. I am of course aware of the World Cup. I would wait for our "futbol" columnist ANDY_HAMS to write an entry, but we'd probably have to wait until 2014.

Anyway, I woke up early tomorrow to get brunch and mimosas at a WC function. I ended up with a table from which I couldn't clearly see a TV, but I think I got the gist of it. Greece lost, somebody won, whatever.

By the time the USA played (and by the time I'd chanted U-S-A 50 times) I had a good seat. Good thing too - America is going to make some noise this year! They tied England, a supposedly top 4 team, 1-1.

This basically ensures the United States berth into the next round. If you want specifics look it up yourself, but a tie against the best team of their grouping makes the USA that much closer to advancing. A win and a tie against the other (much shittier) teams in the group would give America a pass into further WC play. Realistically, they should get two wins. They basically stole a point by tying the English.

Anyway, I usually don't follow Soccer (futbol?) or baseball, but the USA and the Cincinnati Reds are both sweet right now. I'll take what I can get.

Did Carson and Chad Lose Each Other's Phone Numbers?

For the second off season in a row Bengals quarterback "Uncle" Carson Palmer and wide receiver Chad "Fred Astaire Can Kiss My Ass" Ochocinco are exchanging words via the press. And once again the two aren't exchanging words via a traditional phone call, e-mail or even the USPS.

It makes you wonder if the two haven't simply misplaced each others phone numbers.

Obviously Palmer wishes Chad would pack up his dancing shoes and come back to Cincinnati (it's so lovely in the summertime - all the drunk shirtless Kentuckians roaming the various downtown beer and sausage festivals). According to ProFootballTalk, Carson believes "the team is constructing the biggest overhaul of the team's passing game of his career." So you'd assume the team's number one receiver would want to be there.

But Uncle Carson knows that simple logic won't work on a lunatic that changed his last name to two Spanish numbers. He has to make it into some sort of public challenge. So forget the phone call - Carson just tells the media, according to a tweet by reporter Josh Katzowitz, that perhaps the Bengals are "trying to find a new No. 1 receiver, because it's hard to work your offense w/out that guy." Harsh words for Ochocinco's ears, as he would not relinquish a starting spot gracefully.

But Chad took the challenge more as a spar of wits (read: schoolyard diss session) and struck back the only way he knows how - electronic communications excluding telephones that aren't connected to ESPN. From his Twitter account (OGOchoCinco):

• About Carson Palmer -- I missed what my quarterback said about me not being at OTA'S -- they aren't even mandatory -- he misses Ochocinco -- cute!
• tell Carson when I see him I'm gonna Hulk Hogan leg drop his ass then tie him to the goalpost and throw wet toilet paper at him.

At some point though Chad kicked it into a lower gear, stating on a phonecall to ESPN's NFL Live, "I think Carson is right, when I come back I want to be at my best, I have a commitment to be in tip top shape, I understand where he's coming from, I'm going to be there as soon as possible."

But the root of the whole problem (aside from the football perspective, which this post is only moderately interested in) is the telephone. Another Chad quote from NFL Live proves the most illuminating, but I made you read this whole article to get to it(!): "[Uncle Carson] never calls my phone, this is his way of talking to me."

Hopefully they remember to exchange numbers at the Mandatory minicamp later this month.

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Other Bengals News:

The party apparently is in Baltimore; Shayne "Where-da-party-at?" Graham is now a Raven. So hopefully he'll ruin their season by missing a clutch kick. Doesn't he owe Cincinnati that much?

The Bengals kicker, incidently, will probably be former Ohio State Buckeyes/New York Jets/some-other-teams-for-like-10-minutes-that-I-don't-feel-like-looking-up Mike "I Wish My Name Was Ted" Nugent, who happens to hail from my hometown. Do not feel any need be excited by this.

Thursday Throwback Posterization: Gasol Works KG

For the second week in a row, I'm going with a dunk on Kevin Garnett. This time, it's Pau Gasol during his days with the Grizzlies. Gasol sizes up Garnett from the corner and patiently waits for the perfect moment to get the first step on him. After passing by Garnett, Gasol goes up strong to the rim and throws it down hard on Gary Trent while KG unsuccessfully tries to block him from behind. It's pretty astonishing to see how much thinner Gasol was back then, which makes it all the more amusing to see him act with such swagger after the dunk. I don't even have to tell you how hilarious the spanish commentary is.

Guillermo at the NBA Finals Media Day

It's been pretty slow around these parts lately, so I figured I'd end the drought with a funny video. I've thought about writing about the Finals, but I get the feeling that no one who comes on here gives a shit.

The Half Court Heave: Piece of the Aggro Krag

Welcome one and all to the Half Court Heave Finals Edition. On our fourth episode, we discuss the NBA Finals, what could happen with the Suns and Magic, water socks with tube socks, Ryan's performance at a Pacers halftime show, our fruitless pursuit of a piece of the Aggro Krag, and much more.



Download the Half Court Heave Episode 4: Piece of the Aggro Krag

Intro Song: "Friction" by Television
Break Song: "Future Days" by CAN
Outro Song: "Pause" by Jay Dee

At Least There Really Are Irish People in Boston

Here's the thing; I hate both the BostonCeltics and the Lakers. I actually can't think of any two NBA teams I dislike more. I hate them both like I hate the New York Yankees. The only championship match-up in all of sports that I could detest more would be the Dallas Cowboys vs. the Pittsburgh Steelers.

BUT - If I'm going to keep this interesting, I'd better disagree with SlipperyMcFaggot (I'm totally out of clever ones, so these will probably just get increasingly vulgar).

That's right - teenage_mustache is officially picking the Boston Celtics as 2010 NBA champions. In five.

Here's another contributing factor: How many rings do I need to see Kobe Bryant and Phil Jackson win? Well, I've seen more than enough already. And I don't give a damn about the fact that the first three-peat was with Shack and now this is really Kobe's team. If I remember correctly Kobe was still a starting player back then.

Now for Artest. I'll be damned if he gets a ring before Chad Ochocinco! I rooted for Barkley as a kid. How many rings did he get? Patrick Ewing? You get the idea.

OK, so there was really no point to post this. But now you know where I stand. Go team that's not the Lakers!

Thursday Throwback Posterization: Kobe Schools KG

That's right Dank Game, the NBA Finals begin tonight! Because I've decided to back the Lakers, this week's Throwback Posterization is Kobe Bryant serving it up on KG and Rasho Nesterovic in the first round of the 2003 Playoffs. The fifth seeded Lakers would go on to beat Kevin Garnett and the 4th seeded Timberwolves in six games, but the Lakers would then lose to the number one seeded Spurs in six games in the second round. This put an end to their hopes of winning their fourth straight championship.

Garnett tries to close out on Kobe on the perimeter, which Kobe takes advantage of and blows passed him. Garnett attempts to keep up with him as he takes it to the rim, but Kobe goes up so quickly and strong with the reverse jam that KG doesn't stand a chance. Rasho Nesterovic tries to provide some help defense, but it seems as if he didn't expect Kobe to go for the reverse dunk.

Butt Buddies For The Win

It's no secret that Ron Artest has a bizarre relationship with Kobe Bryant. For instance, in 2008 when Kobe and the Lakers fell short to the Boston Celtics in the Finals, Ron Ron walked in on Kobe while he was showering by himself. Artest told him that he was going to come to LA and help him win a title. I can only assume he pat Kobe on the butt on his way out.

Artest idolizes Kobe. Just watch this clip of Ron interviewing Kobe before they were teammates.

You don't even have to watch more than a minute of the interview to figure out that Ron is completely enthralled by Kobe. He seems to hang onto his every word and stroke his ego with nearly every question. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me if Ron proposed that he stroke something more than Kobe's ego after the cameras stopped rolling.

Kobe enjoys the interview almost as much as Ron, if not more, as he seems to bask in every moment of Artest's idolization. Although the two have had some fierce battles between one another, such as last year's Western Conference Semi-Finals, I think it's safe to say that Ron Ron and Kobe are butt buddies. And because of this, I am cheering for the Lakers to beat the Boston Celtics in the Finals.

The Ultimate Catch

Attention VH1 reality TV show fans / Cincinnati Bengals fans. The two entertainment powerhouses have teamed up to bring you the reality dating show that is now (and I assume finally) titled Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch.

Originally the show was going to be called The Tournament with Ochocinco, but the producers were scared away by my sample artwork. Anyway, in the time since the show was announced, my interest has waned enormously. The thing is, in the time since Ocho appeared on the over-rated Dancing With the Stars, I realized that I don't like VH1 reality shows. Furthermore, most avid Bengals fans probably don't like them either.
Here's a Venn Diagram expressing my point. It may not be a scientific, but I figure it's fairly accurate.

So I'll give you the newest details of the show in the event that you're still reading. The Ocho will be dating 85 women, quickly whittling the pool down to 16. These sixteen women will live in a "huge Los Angeles mansion," which could technically be one of the run down old mansions in South Central. Just sayin'

He will then pair up the women for some sort of competitive dating. Naturally one of the women will go home at the end of each of these. There will be 10 episodes this summer, running from July until the week before the regular season starts.

As bad as this show will probably be, at least it can serve as an unofficial count down until football season begins.