Quarterbacking the 2011 Cincinnati Bengals

For obvious reasons, the 2011 Cincinnati Bengals will scantly resemble the 2010 or 2009 Queen City Tigers. For starters, in all likelihood the team will be coached by a man who's name isn't Marvin Lewis for the first time since 2002.

At this point not retaining Lewis is really more of a business decision for owner Mike Brown, suddenly struggling to sell tickets for the first time since the Dick LeBeau era. They have a head-coach-in-waiting in defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer however, and there remains a slim chance Marvin will actually be retained. Outside of these two options only meager speculations exist, which perhaps I'll write a future post about.

What's more fun is the guessing game that is Bengals quarterbacks of the future. Let's review some candidates:

1. Carson Palmer - Carson is due something like $12 million next year, so on the surface it would be a good time for Mike Brown to rid himself of that albatross of a contract. However, even if the Bengals take a rookie QB in the draft, it will still be most sensible to keep Palmer around as the starter for at least a little while. And who knows, having an up and coming fresh QB behind Palmer (i.e. not his younger brother) might even make him better.


2. Trades/Free Agents - Slightly troubled Titans QB Vince Young and either Eagles QBs Kevin Kolb or Mike Vick might very well be available in free agency or trade next season. Redskins QB Donovan McNabb could also be on the outs after only one season in Washington. It's not really Mike Brown's style to actually go after one of these guys, but the possibility is certainly there. The Bengals were the only club besides Philadelphia to offer Vick a contract upon his release from federal prison.


3. The Draft: There are several good, or at least intriguing, college quarterbacks likely entering the draft this year. With the Bengals choosing high in each round, they are likely to be able to land a decent one even in the second round. Stanford's Andrew Luck is widely regarded as the top of the heap. Auburn's Cameron Newton, Washington's Jake Locker and Arkansas's Ryan Mallett are other strong contenders.

The biggest key to any of these candidates succeeding is probably solid offensive coaching and a good offensive line. Cincinnati has neither in Offensive Coordinator Bob Bratkowski, or their mediocre line. Bratkowski should have been replaced years ago, but remains safe for unknown reasons. Right Tackle Andre Smith was supposed to shore up the latter problem, but he can't stay healthy. The Bengals would probably be better off getting a top flight offensive lineman as opposed to a QB, but this franchise is not known for sound decision making.

Hell, who knows. Maybe Jordan Palmer will be their starting QB next year.

The Future of the Cincinnati Bengals

It's time to face the music. Unless the 2010 Cincinnati Bengals go on a massive winning streak, they won't be playing post-season football this year. At worst they can lose two more games and still play January football.

Also worth noting is the staggering number of impact players for the team who's futures are in jeopardy. Some players are simply entering their prime while closing out their rookie deals, like starting cornerbacks Leon Hall and Jonathan Joseph. Other players are mid-career pickups who owner/General Manager Mike Brown likes to low-ball into short performance-incentive-based contracts like CB "Pacman" Jones, WR Terrell Owens and most notably RB Cedric Benson.

In a third category are aging superstars with long term contracts nearing their ends. Bengals fans are probably familiar with WR Chad Ochocinco and QB Carson Palmer, who is owed something like $12 million next season.

Anyone familiar with how Mike Brown runs this team knows we aren't getting all of these players back. Either CB Hall or Joseph will likely be retained along with the far less expensive Pacman, but probably not both. Unless no one else is willing to pay him, on the strength of a good season T.O. is likely headed out of town. Chad is headed into a Club-option year in his contract and will either whine for a new contract, a trade or simply for the Bengals to not use the option and give him up to free agency. Regardless of how all these lower priority Bengals contracts pan out, the team will look much different next year than it does right now.

But the biggest difference will be at either quarterback or running back. With Benson not under contract at all beyond this season and Palmer owed more money than he is likely worth at this stage in his career, it seems extremely unlikely Mike Brown will pony up the cash to keep them both. But assuming he keeps one (he really could lose both), the other position will have to be addressed in the 2011 draft.

Enter Mike Brown first round draft pick speculation:

2010 Bengals - An Alternative History

When Michael Vick was released from prison in 2009, only two teams supposedly offered him a contract. The Eagles, who signed him for two years, then started the third quarterback on their roster, Kevin Kolb, while franchise quarterback Donovan McNabb was hurt, then trading McNabb, handing the starting job to Kolb only to see him lose it to Vick.

The other team was the Bengals, and right now I sadly wish we actually had Vick. Vick would have meant that last season when Carson hurt his thumb, it wouldn't have been necessary for him to play while hurt down the stretch when a playoff berth was all but guaranteed. Furthermore, the dual rushing threat of Vick and Benson (and Leonard and Scott, really) would have been fascinating.

This season, I would just love to have a decent backup to light a fire under Carson Palmer's ass. He obviously will never get benched for his brother, and post-training camp pickup Dan LeFevour is obviously a development project at best. In these games where Palmer is throwing multiple interceptions or losing multiple fumbles, wouldn't it be nice to see Vick coming in?

Having Vick would have also meant a somewhat different draft philosophy. The Bengals wouldn't have needed Jermaine Gresham with a scrambling QB, as that inside option is typically a dump off for quarterbacks who can't run for first downs. Cincinnati could have possibly targeted an offensive lineman in the first round (which they really, really need). I've grown to like Gresham after initially thinking it was a wasted draft pick, but a dominate O-lineman (like Andre Smith was supposed to be) is a bigger need right now.

Maybe the Bengals can pick up Vick in free agency next season while they continue to develop LeFevour. Paying Carson $11.5 million next season is starting to seem foolish, while Vick is playing better than ever when he isn't hurt.

Doushmandzadeh

After being released by the Seattle Seahawks there was a great deal of speculation about where former Bengals receiver TJ Houshmandzadeh would wind up. A return to Cincinnati was seen as a possibilty, although not particularly likely. There were rumors he'd go to Minnesota, the third team courting him in free agency last offseason. The Browns and Jets were listed as teams possibly targeting the talented malcontent. Last night the Raiders and the Redskins were supposedly the front runners for TJ's services.

But no. Housh signed with the Baltimore Ravens, Cincinnati's chief rival for the division crown in 2010. It was bad enough when Baltimore had former Bengals kicker Shayne "Where-da-party-at" Graham on their roster (who they eventually sent packing), but TJ

Housh was a hero in Cincinnati from 2005-2007, a starting wide receiver in what at the time was on the league's premier duos. It just isn't right to have to see him in the uniform of a division rival. Seeing him in a Seahawks jersey was one thing, and I even could have tolerated the Brown's signing him. But when Housh makes his return to Cincinnati with the Ravens week two, get ready for some loud booing.

Bengals, Bearcats and even the Redlegs

Yesterday was a monster day in Cincinnati sports. The Bengals had to whittle down their rosters while keeping an eye on the waiver wire and possible trades. The Bearcats played their first game under new head coach Butch Jones, Former coach Brian Kelly coached his first game with the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, and the Reds were smack in middle of their final series against arch-rival St. Louis Cardinals.

Let's start with the Bengals: our boys in stripes made some surprising roster moves, but started the day with more obvious ones. Thanks to Twitter, this year fans were able to see in close to real time the actual order players were released, which was a good distraction during extremely non-competitive afternoon SEC football games. First to go were WR Matt Jones (18), K Dave Rayner and a rookie whom they clearly hope will be one their practice squad, WR Dezmon Briscoe.

Next on the chopping block was S Kyries Hebert, OT Issac Sowells and S Marvin White. Hebert thus far was the only cut you could call a surprise, though no one could truly have been happy with Cincinnati's depth at safety.

Who Dey Think Gonna Play 4 Dem Bengals?

Tomorrow is cut down day for the entire NFL. By 6:00 pm tomorrow the Bengals have to pare down their 75 player roster into only 53.

This may be the most promising Bengal's season of my lifetime, as the Bengals have actually enjoyed quality play at all starting positions, with the only real roster battles at back up and special team positions. What this tells you is that for once the Bengals are returning a starting roster that is actually talented (minus a few key pieces who've been replaced by reasonably sound free agent pickups, cough cough, TO).

So what Bengals can we look forward to watching on the bench this season and which can we mournfully send packing?

TE Dan Coats (86) vs. FB Joe Tronzo: Fui Vakapuna seems like an extended longshot to make the squad after missing the entire preseason with a shoulder injury. Tronzo, an undrafted rookie, has played well in his place, but Coats has a few years experience and the "versatility" to play tight end and fullback. It's highly unlikely both guys will make the squad, but I'm pulling for Tronzo. He'll almost certainly be on the practice squad if he doesn't make the team.

WR Jerome Simpson vs. WR Dezmon Briscoe: Since Cosby announced via Twitter that he has been informed he has made the squad, presumably only one WR spot remains open. Since nobody really thinks Matt Jones or Maurice Purify are going to make the team, it's down to the rookie Briscoe or the as of yet unproven Simpson. Since Simpson has finally started playing special teams, he'll probably make the team. Briscoe absolutely will make the practice squad if another team does not claim him however.

DL Pat Sims vs. DL Frostee Rucker (92): Rucker has more versatility on the defensive line, but Sims has been more consistant, starting a few games in place of Tank Johnson. Rucker has also spent much of his Bengal's career injured. Most would assume Sims makes the team over Rucker, but the "Snowman" has always seemed to be a Marvin Lewis favorite. Either could make it as a backup with another team, and one of them will probably get the chance.

S Kyries Hebert vs. S Rico Murray: This one's kind of a no win. Hebert is a great special teams player, but clearly not a great option at safety. Murray isn't spinning anyone's head himself. Safety is possibly the weakest position on the roster, so hopefully both guys are cut in favor of a better free agent cut from another team. Otherwise, I would think Hebert has the slight edge.

QB Jordan Palmer vs. QB Carson Palmer: There's only room for one Palmer brother on this team. Can Jordan oust Carson? Just wondered if anyone was still reading this.

Oh, it's kind of sad. I'm probably talking about some of these players for the last time.

[Indoor Practice] Field of Dreams

If you build it, they will come ... and stay.

Last season the Bengals' lack of an indoor practice facility became a public issue when the team embarrassingly had to travel 20+ miles up to Mason to use an indoor soccer field. Blogs like WhoDeyRevolution.com have noted for some time that Cincinnati is the Northernmost NFL team to not have such a facility, and given that football is played into December (if not January and February, knock on wood) it should be a no-brainer that inclement winter weather will interrupt practice sometimes in Southern Ohio. It is simply pathetic to take a team by bus to a soccer field. This is one of many reasons why Cincinnati has a long standing issue getting free agents to want to play for the Bengals.

Fast forward to 2010 and we find Head Coach Marvin Lewis in the final year of his contract after eight years with the team. It is no easy task to make the Mike Brown run Bengals into a success [see: 1991-2002] so anyone who thinks Lewis isn't crucial is dreaming.

But for once the chips are not on Mike Brown's side of the table. After a surprise 2010 playoff appearance and division championship, Lewis is in a position to make demands. Brown is a notoriously private owner, refusing to comment on negotiations with Lewis except to assure that they are ongoing. However it is widely assumed that Lewis would like more control over personnel decisions, if not the hiring of a General Manager not named Brown or Blackburn.

One nugget of negotiation that has emerged however (via James Walker of ESPN - the only ESPN journalist who has any clue about the Bengals) is that "an indoor practice facility appears to be one point of contention between Bengals ownership and . . . Lewis."

So the situation is eerily similar to the movie Field of Dreams. Mike Brown wants to honor his sports figure father's legacy (Paul Brown). He catches wind that good things will happen if he builds a field (the indoor practice facility). And if he builds it, they will come (good free agents, coaches, etc).

More accurately, if he builds it, he will stay. Surely Lewis will want more than just the indoor facility, but it would be an excellent start. Even if Lewis does not stay with the Bengals beyond the 2010 season, this is a step that still serves the long term interests of the team. Especially if the salary cap does not come back after this season, the Bengals will need to do everything they can to lure talent to remain competitive as one of the smaller market teams.

Enough useless talk already; Mike Brown, please just build the damn indoor practice field (of dreams).

Funny Bengals Tweets - Training Camp Edition

Twitter would indicate that the Bengals are enjoying training camp in Georgetown, KY. Although we don't have Hard Knocks in G-Town this year, the proof is in the funny tweets:

Defensive tackle Tank Johnson (TankJohnson99) finds Georgetown, Kentucky amusing, but training camp exhausting:

• Saw a chick wit one tooth and a tongue ring in long john silver today! Justa clickin that thang against dat 1 tooth! #ahhgeorgetown so funny
• Seriously considering driving from dorms to meetings! Its a 45 second walk and a 1 min drive!
  

Punt Returner Quan Cosby (Cosby12) is a man who doesn't mind having his sleep interrupted and likes crappy game shows:

• Oh and I forgot to thank NFL drug testing for costing me an hr and a half of sleep this morning. God bless u! Haha
• I dont think I can be beaten in family feud! I don't watch it very much but skills stay on point! Mind is a terrible thing to waste!
  

Cornerback Rico Murray (Mr513RicoMurray) has an opinion about teammate Chad Ochocinco and about the hardest working man in Georgetown:

• The only thing that can't be stopped is that man's [Ochocinco's] mouth...
• The most memorable person in Georgetown. the little Caesar guy who dances all day long..I thought my job was hard
  

New wide receiver Terrell Owens (terrellowens) also had an anecdote about Chad:

• Chad is n his room playing FIFA by himself b/c no1 will play with him! Lol.

Chad (OGOchoCinco) got everyone back though:

• Just finished my weight workout early as hell, no meetings till 10:15, i should wake players up in their dorm rooms with the blow horn
• My vuvuzela came in handy early this morning, im sure i woke some folks up screaming gooolll and blowing my vuvuzela.

Linebacker Rey Maualuga (maualuga58) wishes for one night he could be somewhere else:

• Wish I was going to the Rascall Flatts concert 2morrow. My favorite country band. #dontjudgeme

Rookie cornerback Brandon Ghee (BGhee) is growing up and giving culinary advice:

• Chillin wit @GenoStacks [rookie defensive tackle Geno Atkins].....you know your getting old when you start arguing about taxes...ha ha
• Bout to eat some chipotle. If you don't like chipotle it's something wrong with you

With training camp wrapped up, that's all the funny Bengals tweets for now.

Death Haunts This Team

We've all heard the stories about last season's tragedies:

First Mike Zimmer tragically coming home to find his wife had died. Then the Samoan tsunami that affected the friends and families of Maualuga, Peko and Fanene (though fortunately none lost any relatives). And finally their teammate Chris Henry fatally falling out of the back of a truck. The 2009 Cincinnati Bengals season had something of a hex on it, although instead of losing games the team was losing something more precious.

Unfortunately for the franchise, the 2010 season is not starting out any differently. Shortly before the Bengals preseason home opener, 1988 Superbowl season hero running back Ickey Woods (creator of this celebration dance) tragically lost his son. Elbert Jovante Woods died three days after suffering a major asthma attack, and just days before he would have started his junior year of high school.

Paul Brown Stadium observed a moment of silence before Sunday's game against the Broncos. Much like the Bengals bounced back to dismantle the Ravens after Vicki Zimmer's death, Cincinnati pulled together to take down the Denver Broncos in an otherwise meaningless victory.

The real question is if it takes tragedy to propel this team, is winning even worth it? Let's all hope this is the last truly sad news coming out of the Bengals' camp for a while.

HOF Game Heroes and Villians

Hey, it's Dank Game's 400th post, right as football season is upon us! As we just celebrated our 1 year anniversary, I won't make a big deal about our latest milestone. But I think we'll have to do something for 500 posts, a la Eddie in Time Square, but better.

Anyway, I have to say the Hall of Fame Game last night could have put me in a better mood. It's still preseason and many starters barely played, but the team didn't truly look ready. In Coach Marvin Lewis' defense, the first preseason game usually comes after another full week of training camp. But either way, much needs to be worked on.

So let's get started with HOF Game Villians:

1. QBs J.T. O'Sullivan and Jordan Palmer - what was that? Those interceptions were pitiful. I realize that most NFL teams don't truly have a viable backup quarterback, but we have some of the worst. We're going to have a lot of problems should Carson go down to injury for any stretch. Which brings me to number two.

2. The Offensive Line (that's like 14 players) - As many feared, the Bengals pass protection looked unstable. None of the Bengals quarterbacks had much time to get the ball downfield, so I'll forgive a little bit of sloppy play from Carson and company. This unit is the biggest question mark on the team in my opinion, and I'm not encouraged by what I saw last night.

3. Tight End Daniel Coats - Every time Coats suits up in a Bengals uniform a little piece of my soul dies. Pray no other tight ends get hurt so he doesn't make the roster.

4. Cornerback Adam Jones (24) - He really didn't have that bad of a game, but he isn't quite ready to go against number one WRs again. Having been out of football for over a year, I think he'll be more ready to go by when the season starts. Won't it be nice when both Leon Hall and Jonathan Joseph start though?

Lost in the Reality Shuffle

I wanted to post something about the Bengals today, given that preseason starts in mere hours. But I kind of ran the gamut on current Bengals stuff to talk about in my last few posts (minus Roseanne Barr National Anthem). But in the spirit of Who Dey, I will talk about Dhani Jones.

Dhani is the only Bengals player I've actually talked to, and it's no surprise why he was the first Bengal with his own reality show, Dhani Tackles the Globe. Jones is entertaining and engaging, and his show is actually considerably more watchable than either TO's or Chad's (including Dancing With the Stars).

OK, so I've only seen part of one episode a year ago. But I got the gist of it; Dhani goes to some non-US part of the world and learns and competes at a local sport. Usually it is something rough, like rugby or sumo wrestling or something. This description really does the show no justice, but I assure you once again that it is much better than the TO Show or Ultimate Catch.

For some reason, when Bengals reality TV shows are mentioned since the TO signing, which is frequently, DTtG rarely gets mentioned. And it's a shame, because it's totally the best one. I guess folks like VH1 better than the Travel Channel.

Anyway, the season starts in a couple of hours, so we can forget about the reality shows now. Yeah!

Ready? Let's GO!

Football begins anew this coming Sunday when our beloved Cincinnati Bengals fight the hated Dallas Cowboys at the Hall of Fame game in Canton, OH. The season kick-off is accompianied by lots of HOF ceremonies, including the induction of the new class. This year's inductees include WR Jerry Rice, RB Emmit Smith and former Bengals/Steelers coach and Lions CB Dick LeBeau.

Anyway, it's always one of the worst football games of the year, as it's essentially an extra preseason game for each team. But it's still our first chance to catch the tigers in action, and if they can knock pretty boy Tony Romo on his ass once, it'll be worth it.

Here are the 6 things Mustache is looking forward to seeing this Sunday:

1. RB Bernard Scott - His name keeps getting dropped as a second year player to watch. He had a pretty solid rookie outing, with a hundred yard game against the Raiders and a kickoff return for touchdown against the Steelers. So if as the Bengals "change-0f-pace-back" and kick returner he is poised to have an even bigger year, I for one am excited.

2. LB/DE Michael Johnson - Another name that is consistently mentioned as a potential break-out player, the 6-7 third round pick from last season is earning a solid reputation. The team is actually moving him to a new position, linebacker, and despite the learning curve everyone seems to be impressed. It sounds like he could lead the team in sacks this season, even coming off the bench.

3. TE Jermaine Gresham - Finally in camp, everyone is excited to see what Gresham can add to this team. I'd put him higher, but given that he's only been practicing with the team for a few days it's unlikely he'll do much. We'll see though.

4. The Offensive Line - I'm not so much eager as nervous to watch this unit. The OL got a lot of praise last season for exceeding expectations, but that's because they were so low after the miserable 2008 campaign. In my opinion, this is the team's biggest weakness. OT Andre Smith, first round pick from last year, won't be playing, but let's hope the line can block without him. We'll probably have to get used to that scenario.

5. Wide Receiver Battle - there an enormous logjam at the WR position in Cincinnati, and from the sound of it everyone is bringing their A-game. Given that the first team usually only plays a few series in this somewhat meaningless game, the WRs on the roster bubble will likely play much of the game. Andre Caldwell and Jordan Shipley (11) are both practically locks to make the team, but it will be good to see Shipley in stripes for the first time as well as discovering if Caldwell is really "the most improved player" as Coach Lewis called him at one point. Also, Jerome Simpson has really been impressing, to the point where even national media (who trust me, don't really follow the Bengals closely) have noticed. Rookie Dezmon Briscoe (88), practice squad veteran Maurice Purify and free agent pick-up Matt Jones will also be showing their stuff, although I'm not sure any of those three will make the team. Oh, and there's this TO fellow!

6. Shit, who care what else. It's finally football season again (although the preseason is its own kind of torture). I just hope the game isn't hopelessly boring.

7 Reasons the Bengals Will Win the Superbowl This Year

For serious this time!

This is as good a Bengals team as Mike Brown has ever put together in twenty years (20!!!) of being owner/general manager. If they don't get it done this year, they simply might never win the big one in Big Mikey's lifetime. And given the uncertainty of the salary cap and labor agreement beyond the current season, it's always possible the NFL turns into an MLB-style major market hell hole. No way will the Bengals compete for a championship in that environment - more likely they'd turn (back) into football's version of the Orioles/Pirates.

But cheer up, because this is the year Cincinnati gets it done. And here's why, in order:

1. Defensive Coordinator Mike Zimmer - How in the hell did we get this guy? A successful defensive coordinator in Dallas for over a decade, Zimmer got stuck in the implosion that was the post-Bad Newz Kennelz Atlanta Falcons. Cincinnati almost literally pulled a phoenix out of the ashes, and in two seasons Coach Zim turned one of the least respected units in football into the number four overall defense. Even more amazing, Mike Brown was actually able to re-sign him this offseason. There are whispers that Zimmer secretly holds the heir to the head coaching throne, as Marvin Lewis is not yet under contract beyond this season. The only (realistic) arrangement where I wouldn't be totally pissed if the Bengals lost Lewis is if they were to hand it over to Zimmer. Despite a schedule against most of the best offenses of last season, I still believe the Bengals defense will repeat their top five performance, and Zimmer is why.

2. Starting cornerbacks Jonathan Joseph and Leon Hall - These are the guys that allow the "Z-fence" to work. They are simply the best pair of cornerbacks in the NFL. Nobody is going to pass all over these two. 'Nuff said.

3. Running Backs Cedric Benson, Bernard Scott and Brian Leonard - With the TO signing and the Gresham and Shipley draft picks people aren't talking much about the Bengals running backs - but they should be. The trio is quite possible to best in the NFL, each offering a unique talent. Benson hit the mythical 100 yard mark in six games last season, adding a 100+ game in the postseason. Scott always seems ready to break off a run for a few dozen yards, and many whispers are coming out of camp that he is primed for a break through season. If he were to improve on his outstanding rookie season to the point where he "broke through" beyond that, we'd really be talking about a game changing player (I have to admit, I'm a big Scott fan). And then there's the White Weapon, Leonard, who simply wills the team to win.

4. Terrell Owens - He will not single-handedly improve the offense, but just him wanting to come here is a sign that this is a new era in Bengals football. The onus of the '90s is finally starting to disappear, and some people realize that the Bengals are no longer perpetually bad. At worst Owens is a slight upgrade over L. "I'm-not-even-going-to-try" Coles being that he is much bigger and taller. At best he is explosive enough to replace TJ Houshmandzadeh and Chris Henry, depending on where he lines up. TO will likely not lead the team in catches or yards, but his presence will allow multiple other players to have career years.

5. Jermaine Gresham - If Gresham is half of what he's advertised to be, third down will never be a problem for the Bengals. He's 6'-5" and quick as hell. But he's also quite strong, and unlike fellow tight end Chase Coffman has more natural potential to block. Given that Coffman is said to have made mighty strides in the offseason and with Reggie Kelly back healthy, the Bengals are suddenly somewhat strong at TE. But Gresham is the cream of the crop, and is expected to have an enormous impact even as a rookie.

6. Carson Palmer - Did everyone forget about our quarterback, the Heisman winning number one overall pick of the 2003 draft? Well, he's still good, if not fantastic. In the fantasy football era, people base quality of play on putting up video game numbers. Well, yes, Palmer has become more of a first-rate game manager than game changing canon-armed hot shot who had the entire team's success on his shoulder. But he won this team games when it really counted last year, and a much better offense is in place now. Even if he doesn't throw for 4,000+ yards, Palmer will win games for this team in 2010. Reports out of training camp are fairly good, and supposedly his full arm strength has finally returned after his 2008 elbow injury.

7. 2010 - It's the Year of the Tiger. It's in the fuckin' stars! Get excited people!

TO Show vs Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch

As if Hard Knocks, Dancing with the Stars and Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch weren't enough! In the wake of the TO signing, Bengals fans are stuck with another reality show, The T.O. Show.

Of course, the good folks at VH1.com stream full episodes (complete with even more ads for Dinner For Schmucks - seriously, this looks terrible). I felt it was due diligence to watch at least one episode. I also watch highlights from Ultimate Catch episode 2 so as to make the fairest possible comparison.

The T.O. Show:

In episode 103, Terrell goes to Manhattan for Fashion Week with one or his two assistants (the hot one; the other one is very pregnant). They have a serious of misadventures, first the assistant getting, then being booted from the larger hotel room. They then go to a fashion show where both were supposed to sit front row, but the assistant ends up losing her seat. Finally Terrell gets asked to model something on the runway later, so their plans for the rest of the day are canceled.

As the assistant was really looking forward to the trip, she is upset she keeps getting the short end of the stick. But in the end TO makes it up to her by hiring a helicopter tour of the city for the two. What a sweetheart.

It's pretty obvious that the situations are rigged and that the assistant is almost certainly an actress. It is marginally humorous though.

Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch

In episode 102, the Ocho goes on his first two elimination round dates. Three of the four girls on these two dates are either insane or incredibly stupid or both. The funniest girl is the slightly larger black girl, who is subjected to a Ustream'd dinner date where Chad's fans informed him that despite the attractiveness of the other girl, she was a total bitch. Chad picked the funny "fat" girl.

The other date featured a girl who was supposedly funny against a born-again virgin. The "funny girl" actually promised in the elimination that she would "get down" with Chad. I'll give you one guess who Chad picked.

Conclusion:

I can't recommend either of these shows. To anyone. But if you're into Blind Date type shows and think Ochocinco is funny, I guess you'd like Ultimate Catch. And if you like really bad sitcoms, you'd probably like The T.O. Show better. I'll give the edge to The T.O. Show, because I found it much easier to sit through the whole thing (and I only watched highlights of Ultimate Catch).

When the fuck is Artest's reality show coming out?

NFL's Biggest Collection of Jackasses?

Well, the Bengals done signed Terrell Owens. Owens doesn't have the best reputation as a teammate, though Mike Brown thought highly enough to make him a last minute addition to the team. And Cincinnati might now have the most jackass-filled roster in pro football, although it should be noted that the presence of Roethlisberger alone puts Pittsburgh way up there. On the bright side, they could very well join other jackass filled teams in Lombardi trophy history (1970's Steelers and Raiders, I'm looking at you).

So I'm taking a look at all the guys on the roster who seem like assholes. This isn't about arrests (Leon Hall is not on the list in spite of a DUI arrest last offseason for example), but I'm factoring some in.

Asshole index:

Adam Jones (CB) - HIGH - He has missed two entire seasons of football in a five year career because of off-the-field incidents - no, catastrophes. I'm honestly surprised he wasn't suspended for life. His most recent team, Dallas, hired around the clock security to keep him out of trouble and he ended up getting in a fight with a bodyguard. If he hadn't said and done all the right things since coming to Cincinnati (after sitting out last year and probably going broke making it rain too many times) I'd make a special category that only he and Ben Roethlisberger could fill.

Terrell Owens (WR) - HIGH - has called out the following teammates in public: Jeff Garcia (49ers), Donovan McNabb (Eagles) and Tony Romo (Cowboys). He has also claimed to have intentionally dropped passes when his team didn't include him enough in the game plan. He did however play nice in Buffalo last season.

Funny Bengals Tweets - Vol. IV

You know the drill by now right?

Defensive tackle Tank Johnson (TankJohnson99) has strong opinions about infant wear and speed limits, then gives an intriguing incentive for following him:

• Has anyone seen those new Denim diapers??? I will slap the shit outta a lil kid if he got some Levi pampers! #Iswaretagawd
• Why is the speed limit in college school zones so slow? I mean by 18 u should be able to dodge a car with ease! #cmonASU #tightenup
• I'm tryin soo hard to get to 8 k followers! 8,000th follower gets a bucket of chicken maad wet wipes and a plunger! #fuxwitme
  

Defensive end Antwan Odom (AntwanOdom98) might be giving in to marketing a bit too much:

• Will using @OldSpice help me break the NFL sack record this year?
• Will @OldSpice keep the haters away?
• My manager said that was enough free promo for @OldSpice
  

Wide receiver/punt returner Quan Cosby (Cosby12) isn't sure if he should trust whitey:

• Big Question? White lady just saw my little girls and said u have beautiful little critters...should I b offended?? NE1 use those terms b4?

I'm really not sure what linebacker Dhani Jones' (DhaniJones) angle is:

• Ahhhhh smells... Do tell... Tell me more... Your thoughts of the best smells

Wide receiver Andre Caldwell (caldwell87) learned an important lesson:

• I learned this weekend to NEVER go shopping with 4 women it get real expensive and they take ALL DAMN DAY they never know what they want..
  

Tight end Reggie Kelly (ReggieKelly82) shared a moment that isn't so much funny as adorable:

• Ok 1 thing off my checklist finally, daughter now can ride bike by herself. Way to go baby girl!
  

Funny Bengals Tweets - Lebron James Edition

Given the circumstances in Ohio and the chatter on Twitter I've decided to bring you a LeBron James/Cavaliers/Heat version of Funny Bengals Tweets.

Former offensive lineman Willie Anderson (WillAnderson79) joked:

• He's gon stay in Cleveland tomorrow night[.] I mean so he can Pack!
  
• My Bday is Sun. I was gon hold a hour long special to let everyone know of my decision of where I'm going.
• So Does Dwade have to watch Lebron throw powder in the air every game?
  

Former defensive tackle Shaun Smith (sjs91) chimed in:

• Everyone get over it[.] the state [o]f Ohio will never win the big games so good luck.

Defensive tackle Tank Jonson (TankJohnson99) is crazy:

• Does anyone know where Lebron went? I been on jupiter ice fishin 4 star fish! Just landed from jupiter international! #GreetinEarthlingz

Wide receiver and punt returner Quan Cosby had a good point:

• Not gonna get into this too much but LB just nailed that live interview! Answered every ? Perfect, only thing wrong was talkin 3rd person ha

Wide receiver Chad Ochocinco (OGOchoCinco, allowable only for this special edition) has a suggestion for the Heat:

• #perfect world Shaq comes back to the Heat also and Pat Riley signs me to come off the bench when football season ends, i'd average 15 pts

Former linebacker David Pollack (davidpollack47) lends me a sobering conclusion:

• What does LeBron owe Cleveland, I'm confused? He just gave Clev the best seven years of their franchise
• The Cleveland franchise is currently worth 100 million more than it was when LeBron got there.
  

AFC North Preview

Fear not Ohio sports fans - they're are still two good Pro teams in Ohio. They just both happen to be in Cincinnati (yes, I'm counting a baseball team and yes it does feel a little dirty).

The AFC North is almost always a three team race, but this year I think the Steelers probably have too much to overcome to make a serious push at the division. No doubt the Ravens are a good team, but the Bengals topped them last year with a surpringly superior defense. Meanwhile, many facets of the Ravens are just getting old (Ray Lewis, Ed Reed), while the strengths of the Bengals' defense are young. While both teams attempted to improve their weak spots in the draft and free agency, I think the Bengals Defensive Line, wide receivers and tight ends improved much more than Baltimore's secondary, wide receivers and tight ends.

Division Winner: Cincinnati Bengals

The Bengals are essentially returning the Division winning team from last season minus the broken parts (LS Brad St. Louis, WR L. Coles, and they drafted a TE who will definitely replace Dan Coats). They picked up two wide receivers who will probably each be more productive than Coles in veteran Antonio Bryant and rookie Jordan Shipley, the Texas Longhorn's record holder for most catches. Plus last year's number four ranked defense returned EVERYBODY. With mostly solid draft picks and improved health thus far I see the Bengals taking 11 wins despite a brutal schedule. Ten might be enough for the division again this year however, as every team is looking at an uphill climb schedule-wise.

Division Runner-Up: Baltimore Ravens

This team received a lot of praise for the draft and free agent acquisitions. I can't say I don't agree with the speculation, but most of those writing off the Bengals can only point to an historic inability to repeat success. Oh, I'm supposed to be talking about the Ravens. They'll be good, but I think their defense will decline a little this year and I sincerely doubt their offense will take the step so many seem to expect. Flacco is still quite young, Boldin is a great wide receiver and a good addition, but they don't have a true number one like Cincy has in Chad Ochocinco, and TE Todd Heap is getting pretty old. Oh, and they have as bad a pair of starting cornerbacks as you're likely to come across in the NFL. Good team - good enough for nine, maybe ten wins against this schedule. It will depend on the rest of the Conference to see if that's good enough for another wild card berth.

Division Third Place: Pittsburgh Steelers

The Iron City has had as rough an offseason as you can imagine. Rapistbergergate led to a suspension of their starting quarterback and they lost a key member of their already porous offensive line for the year when RT Willie Colon tore his Achilles. They brought back Byron Leftwich to fill in at QB, but he'll probably get sacked about 20 times (30 if Ben's suspension does last the full six games instead of the optional four). In the meantime, Pittsburgh has done very little to upgrade their team. They had some decent draft picks, but it seems like their team is regressing while Cincinnati and Baltimore are rising. Given the Steelers seem to post respectable records even when bad, I'll give them seven wins, but the Browns may be closer than they're willing to admit.

Division Basement: Cleveland Browns

Fucking Cleveland. There's not much to say about Cleveland's chances this year. They're not good. They scrapped together five wins by grace of God last year, mostly at the end of the season against other teams already out of postseason contention. Every time this team takes one step forward it takes two steps backward. The phrase "rebuilding project" has hovered around ever since they returned as an expansion in the '90s. I'd like to think they're moving in the right direction this time, but the jury is very much still out on rookie QB Colt McCoy and second year RB Jerome Harrison. It'll be another long year in Cleveland, and against this schedule four wins could be expected but no more.

The Offseason Sucks - But It Could Suck Harder

Have you guys ever seen that episode of the Twilight Zone that chronicles the activities of the last man on Earth? Actually, I'm pretty sure that happens in many episodes - but I don't remember an episode about Dank-Game.Blogspot.com.

Well I'm proudly carrying on, even though in spite of extremely active NBA free agency, July has been the Month of the 'Stache. And even though NOTHING truly interesting is happening in the NFL, I'm still doing what I can in the hope that there are still other survivors out there. (To be honest though, if the Heat don't acquire one of these NBA superstars I'm pretty sure SlimMcForgetAboutIt is going to shut Dank Game down out of extreme self pity).

Getting to the point finally:

Former Oakland Raiders and current free agent quarterback JaMarcus Russell was arrested for possession of a controlled substance today. Apparently Russell has a mean Codeine addiction, especially if it's in liquid form (could this be the first Dank Game reference to Sizzurp?). Even more sadly, it was apparently widely known in the Frisco Bay area that he was on "lean" (hey, I'm still cool enough to use slang right?).

I once encountered a girl at my high school that was on Codeine following some kind of relatively minor surgery. The other student that was supposed to be watching her temporarily lost track and she ran into me (and almost knocked me over - big girl we're talking about here) in the lunchroom. She then proceeded to have great difficulty remembering my name and laughed maniacally about it. So if Russell really has been on this shit it would really help to explain his quarterbacking over the last three years.

Anyway I suggested that JaMarcus would probably end up in Orange stripes sooner or later. I meant with the Cincinnati Bengals, but with their reputation Russell probably thought a prisoner jump suit was basically the same thing. I am far from the first person to make this basic joke, but I'm pretty sure no one still reads this blog anyway.

Well, at least he isn't the league's top Quarterback rapist. I look forward to watching him back up Carson Palmer (who will probably have a prosthetic leg by then) in 2014.

Offseason Bengals Arrests Now At Three

It's not a "spree" just yet, but it's getting there:

I'm way late to report this, but Bengals starting running back Cedric Benson was recently arrested. This makes three arrests of Bengals players since the end of the season in January.

I detailed the first arrest in great fear after linebacker Rey "I finally remember how to spell his last name without looking it up" Maualuga's DUI arrest in Covingtion, KY. I specifically feared a 2006-esque Bengals crime spree.

Then Maurice "I'm sure you don't know who I'm talking about" Purify was arrested for assault or something. I don't remember for sure what the charge was, and I don't feel like looking it up. His chances of making the team next year were next to nothing before the arrest, as he was a practice squad project for a year and half and then made the roster for about three games.

But now with Benson's arrest I'm getting a little edgy. It's a weird story. Basically, he was accosted at a bar in Austin, Texas (He was a Longhorn in his college years) and possibly retaliated with a punch. The facts are very much contradictory right now, but every day it seems more and more likely he'll escape prosecution and hopefully even a suspension. Still, it's disheartening that a guy who's career was once derailed by trouble with law (two DUI's in one year) is still putting himself in bad situations.

The one thing going for Benson here is that it took a full month for charges to be pressed against the star player and that no two people seem to have their stories straight. The unfortunate thing for Cedric is that the ongoing investigation has completely derailed contract talks with the Bengals. Benson's contract ends after the season.

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To end this post on a positive, I'd like to let readers who aren't aware that Maualuga has been widely reported as talking about his DUI arrest and subsequent clinical treatment for alcoholism as a complete success. He says he hasn't had a single alcoholic drink since January, that he's in the best shape of his life, and that Chad Ochocinco helped keep him on the straight and narrow with his patented Red Bull and cranberry juice concoction.

Now if only Ron Artest could get him down with orange slices and winning championships too.