The Offseason Sucks - But It Could Suck Harder

Have you guys ever seen that episode of the Twilight Zone that chronicles the activities of the last man on Earth? Actually, I'm pretty sure that happens in many episodes - but I don't remember an episode about Dank-Game.Blogspot.com.

Well I'm proudly carrying on, even though in spite of extremely active NBA free agency, July has been the Month of the 'Stache. And even though NOTHING truly interesting is happening in the NFL, I'm still doing what I can in the hope that there are still other survivors out there. (To be honest though, if the Heat don't acquire one of these NBA superstars I'm pretty sure SlimMcForgetAboutIt is going to shut Dank Game down out of extreme self pity).

Getting to the point finally:

Former Oakland Raiders and current free agent quarterback JaMarcus Russell was arrested for possession of a controlled substance today. Apparently Russell has a mean Codeine addiction, especially if it's in liquid form (could this be the first Dank Game reference to Sizzurp?). Even more sadly, it was apparently widely known in the Frisco Bay area that he was on "lean" (hey, I'm still cool enough to use slang right?).

I once encountered a girl at my high school that was on Codeine following some kind of relatively minor surgery. The other student that was supposed to be watching her temporarily lost track and she ran into me (and almost knocked me over - big girl we're talking about here) in the lunchroom. She then proceeded to have great difficulty remembering my name and laughed maniacally about it. So if Russell really has been on this shit it would really help to explain his quarterbacking over the last three years.

Anyway I suggested that JaMarcus would probably end up in Orange stripes sooner or later. I meant with the Cincinnati Bengals, but with their reputation Russell probably thought a prisoner jump suit was basically the same thing. I am far from the first person to make this basic joke, but I'm pretty sure no one still reads this blog anyway.

Well, at least he isn't the league's top Quarterback rapist. I look forward to watching him back up Carson Palmer (who will probably have a prosthetic leg by then) in 2014.

The Bengal's Big Chance

The Bengals have become well known in the Mike Brown era of ownership for making some of the worst personnel decisions in the league. The goal appears to be simple: build an incredibly unstable core of possibly talented, but definitely combustible athletes.

The question of why Brown chooses to run his team this way is moot. But assuming insanity in Cincinnati (Cinsanity?) really is the goal, there's one obvious obstacle in his way: these players keep getting arrested, suspended, drunk, fat, or in one tragic case dead.

So each and every year the Bengals sign the newest generation of miscreants. I'll go back a couple of years to illustrate:

In 2007 drunkard Odell Thurman and general asshole Shuan Smith (who was brought back to the team for a few games in 2009) left the team. The Bengals went out and got Harvard (freaking Harvard) quarterback Ryan "Crazy Legs" Fitzpatrick. In 2008 the team lost Chris Henry to suspension. They replaced him by drafting DUI machine Jason Shirley, and signing Jordan Palmer, who runs the ridiculously nerdy RunPee. Later in the season they added Cedric "DUI-by-land-or-by-sea" Benson.

Just barely worth posting

While I try to hunt down on YouTube the new Reebok commercial Chad is in, I bring you Oakland Raiders quarterback JaMarcus Russell driving while talking to a reporter.

The reporter is Comcast SportsNet's Kate Longworth (I'm sure you're all familiar with her).  It's the top video on this link.  Sorry I could not imbed it here.  Damn encryption.

Me posting this should tell you two things:

1. Oakland is doomed.  They know JaMarcus will never lead the team to success, but they're hopeful anyway.

2. The offseason isn't giving me enough to write about.  I neglected to post about the Bengals signing two more wide receivers (one of them, Antonio Bryant, is actually good), but I just had no spin for it.

JaMarcus anyone?

So, I'm going to need a contingency plan if Ochocinco is going to resemble a halfway sane person going forward. Fortunately, there are plenty of borderline lunatics in the NFL.

My first thought was Jared Allen, the Minnesota Vikings lumberjack/bullrider/incredible hulk of a defensive end. Video evidence:

But after seeing this YouTube video of Oakland Raider's quarterback JaMarcus Russel at an NBA game with what the announcers estimate is $1 million worth of jewelry, I think I've got my man.

And of course it makes sense. Oakland! Owner Al Davis is a lunatic. The fans are lunatics. The stadium is lovingly referred to as the Black Hole (but not when the A's play there). And the last five or six first round draft picks (usually in the top 5 or 6 overall) have been colossal busts.

But none bigger than JaMarcus. And every bit of evidence is that he just isn't trying very hard. He is supposedly the last guy to get to practice and the first guy to leave. And whenever he loses, which is frequently, he usually blames the other offensive players for not getting open or making plays.

In short, he does everything a quarterback isn't supposed to do in the NFL. But he was a first overall draft pick with an Al Davis-style pay inflation. He's too expensive to get rid of, so regardless of how bad he is, he'll be there a couple more seasons.

Oakland's last coach even got fired in large part because he didn't want to draft JaMarcus and didn't think he could work with him. And after benching JaMarcus halfway through last season, current coach Tom Cable is supposedly on the hot seat to lose his job.

The team of Davis/Russel has ruined many a pro football careers. It will be fascinating to see how many more will be ruined before Jamarcus is driven out of Oakland, likely with torches and pitchforks. It is Oakland after all.

Week One NFL Observations

It's amazing how set in stone a team's fate seems after week one. Every team that won is playoff bound, and every team that loses is doomed to spend the season drifting further and further away from a playoff berth.

However, this instant optimism and pessimism are misleading. For example, the Chargers started each of the last two years with multiple game losing streaks and yet still made the playoffs. Meanwhile Dallas and Buffalo got out to fast starts last year, but neither ended up playing in January.

So rather than re-evaluate my playoff predictions every freaking week, I'm simply going to speak about trends and observations I see after each weekend of NFL football.

1. The Eagles might be as good as advertised. They destroyed the Panthers at home, a team that did not lose a regular season home game last year. If they have a weak spot, it's that McNabb suffered a broken rib in the shellacking. Vick is still suspended until week three, and Kevin Kolb isn't very good so the Eagles today signed free agent Jeff Garcia. The last time Garcia played for the Eagles he led them to a late season playoff berth, so with Vick in the mix too and McNabb not officially out even for next week, I imagine they'll overcome the setback.

2. The Broncos suck, but the Bengals suck more. At least for now. Clearly a defense that can hold a supposedly offensive minded team to 6 points (plus another total fluke touchdown in the last minute) should win the game. If the Bengals offense can find a rhythm and start scoring some points they could actually turn it around. Meanwhile, if Denver beats Cleveland at home next week (which they easily could), do not expect much more. I still believe this is a clunker team, coming off a win that may also be a clunker team, about to play a team that is definitely a clunker team.

3. Dallas faithful shouldn't start looking toward January yet. They beat Tampa Bay, almost certainly a league bottom-dweller this year. They play the Giants next week, which will be a much, much better test.

4. The bay area can suddenly play football again. San Francisco beating Arizona, in consideration with their strong finish last season after Mike Singletary took over, is strong evidence of a team rounding the corner. Too early to say if they'll compete for a division title, but don't be surprised. Oakland, although losing to San Diego, at least looked good for the first time in recent memory. JaMarcus Russell looked sharper than last season, one of the rookie receivers played decently enough, and the running game was quite formidable. They will likely steal some games from elite teams.

5. Adrian Peterson is amazing. Favre wasn't great, but he didn't make any major mistakes and the Vikings did win the game.

6. Either the Saints are really good this year (especially their offense), or the Lions are still terrible. Likely a combination of the two. I still think the Lions will win at least one game this season, but why not extend the streak for a little while first?

Until next week, or until Ochocinco does something crazy.