Death Haunts This Team

We've all heard the stories about last season's tragedies:

First Mike Zimmer tragically coming home to find his wife had died. Then the Samoan tsunami that affected the friends and families of Maualuga, Peko and Fanene (though fortunately none lost any relatives). And finally their teammate Chris Henry fatally falling out of the back of a truck. The 2009 Cincinnati Bengals season had something of a hex on it, although instead of losing games the team was losing something more precious.

Unfortunately for the franchise, the 2010 season is not starting out any differently. Shortly before the Bengals preseason home opener, 1988 Superbowl season hero running back Ickey Woods (creator of this celebration dance) tragically lost his son. Elbert Jovante Woods died three days after suffering a major asthma attack, and just days before he would have started his junior year of high school.

Paul Brown Stadium observed a moment of silence before Sunday's game against the Broncos. Much like the Bengals bounced back to dismantle the Ravens after Vicki Zimmer's death, Cincinnati pulled together to take down the Denver Broncos in an otherwise meaningless victory.

The real question is if it takes tragedy to propel this team, is winning even worth it? Let's all hope this is the last truly sad news coming out of the Bengals' camp for a while.

The Bengal's Big Chance

The Bengals have become well known in the Mike Brown era of ownership for making some of the worst personnel decisions in the league. The goal appears to be simple: build an incredibly unstable core of possibly talented, but definitely combustible athletes.

The question of why Brown chooses to run his team this way is moot. But assuming insanity in Cincinnati (Cinsanity?) really is the goal, there's one obvious obstacle in his way: these players keep getting arrested, suspended, drunk, fat, or in one tragic case dead.

So each and every year the Bengals sign the newest generation of miscreants. I'll go back a couple of years to illustrate:

In 2007 drunkard Odell Thurman and general asshole Shuan Smith (who was brought back to the team for a few games in 2009) left the team. The Bengals went out and got Harvard (freaking Harvard) quarterback Ryan "Crazy Legs" Fitzpatrick. In 2008 the team lost Chris Henry to suspension. They replaced him by drafting DUI machine Jason Shirley, and signing Jordan Palmer, who runs the ridiculously nerdy RunPee. Later in the season they added Cedric "DUI-by-land-or-by-sea" Benson.

So close to Kentucky

So that's it! That's what's wrong with the Bengal's front office. With the rolling hills of Kentucky so close to Paul Brown Stadium - literally right across the Ohio River PBS is so proudly perched - they must have given into temptation.

Mike Brown & co. has been drinking the moonshine.

How else can you explain yesterday's signing of Wide Receiver Matt Jones, memorably nicknamed "Moonshine" by ProFootballTalk.com's Mike Florio? Are they sitting around drunk on power and moonshine, joking that it would be funny to have a player named moonshine?

Furthermore, this explains why they have recently worked out cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones. Perhaps they have an old Pacman machine in the bowels of the stadium that they play after downing their sweet Kentucky swill?

It also could have a lot to do with their supposed interest in former Browns wide receiver Dante Stallworth. What do these three men have in common by the way? All three did not play football in 2009 due to legal ramifications!

On the more serious now (but not totally serious), Mike Brown's tendency to find talent in the NFL's scrap heap has been well documented. Is he just goofing now, showing interest in some of the NFL's biggest fuck ups? Pacman played college ball at West Virginia with our dearly departed Chris Henry. He is often credited as the guy that taught Slim how to get arrested.

Donte Stallworth isn't nearly as big a dumbass as Pacman, but he simply isn't that great of a receiver. And he DUI killed a guy in 2009. Just stay away, it's amazing he's even out of jail already.

Matt Jones actually might not be the worst idea ever. I think TO might be a better fit, but he comes with a much larger price tag ($6 million for one season last year in Buffalo). Dude is 6' 6" and pretty quick. Although he never lived up to his potential in Jacksonville, pairing him with Ochocinco is an interesting line up, and could very well open up the passing game.

So let's just hope that whatever sociopaths Mike Brown signs this offseason limit the Bengals' arrests to hopefully just that unfortunate Maualuga DUI.

Remember 2006?

Oh fuck.

At first I ignored the story. Rey Maualuga arrested for driving drunk in Covington. It sucks, but it happens right? Former Bengal Willie Anderson even joked about it via Twitter - "Why hasn't someone told Bengals Young players that if you break the law in Covington, Ky your ass going to jail? That's crazy!"

But then I found out the rest of the facts: According to Profootballtalk.com, Maualuga blew a .157 blood-alcohol level. Wow, that's a lot more than .08, the legal limit.

According to TMZ (and it does eat me up inside to even reference TMZ), he crashed into two parked cars and a meter. TMZ even managed to produce an "exclusive" photo of the crash scene that I've shamelessly stolen. As a commentator noted, for some reason Maualuga (who I will remind you is a professional athlete) was driving what appears to be a 2003 Pontiac Sunfire.

But it was in a PFT update to the story that really set off the alarm. Much like Chris Henry in 2006, Maualuga was accompanied by two ladies under 21. And one of them was 17 - as in under the age of consent. Even in Kentucky. Fuck-An-A.

As near as I can tell, Rey has only been charged with driving under the influence and not providing minors with alcohol. Still, you have to be concerned that a young Bengals team might behave like their 2006 counterparts - also a young team coming off a good season. We here at Dank Game are officially concerned, as is Willie Anderson.

Cheering Up

Alright.

It's been a really rough day for Bengals fans.

I think we could all use a break from death and grief.

Here's the best diversion I could come up with.

Slim wouldn't want y'all to sit around crying

It's OK to laugh a little right now.

We need it.

Peace.

RIP Slim

I'm sure everyone's heard by now, but Chris Henry died this morning at 6:36 am after a dispute with his fiancee yesterday in Charlotte, in which he fell off the back of a pick-up truck that she was driving. I don't even know what to say, man. I really had faith that he could one day be a consistent contributor for the Bengals and it seemed like this was going to be the year prior to him breaking his arm. This is truly a tragic day. Let's hope the tigers can run the table the rest of the season and win it all in Miami as a tribute to Slim.