Did Carson and Chad Lose Each Other's Phone Numbers?

For the second off season in a row Bengals quarterback "Uncle" Carson Palmer and wide receiver Chad "Fred Astaire Can Kiss My Ass" Ochocinco are exchanging words via the press. And once again the two aren't exchanging words via a traditional phone call, e-mail or even the USPS.

It makes you wonder if the two haven't simply misplaced each others phone numbers.

Obviously Palmer wishes Chad would pack up his dancing shoes and come back to Cincinnati (it's so lovely in the summertime - all the drunk shirtless Kentuckians roaming the various downtown beer and sausage festivals). According to ProFootballTalk, Carson believes "the team is constructing the biggest overhaul of the team's passing game of his career." So you'd assume the team's number one receiver would want to be there.

But Uncle Carson knows that simple logic won't work on a lunatic that changed his last name to two Spanish numbers. He has to make it into some sort of public challenge. So forget the phone call - Carson just tells the media, according to a tweet by reporter Josh Katzowitz, that perhaps the Bengals are "trying to find a new No. 1 receiver, because it's hard to work your offense w/out that guy." Harsh words for Ochocinco's ears, as he would not relinquish a starting spot gracefully.

But Chad took the challenge more as a spar of wits (read: schoolyard diss session) and struck back the only way he knows how - electronic communications excluding telephones that aren't connected to ESPN. From his Twitter account (OGOchoCinco):

• About Carson Palmer -- I missed what my quarterback said about me not being at OTA'S -- they aren't even mandatory -- he misses Ochocinco -- cute!
• tell Carson when I see him I'm gonna Hulk Hogan leg drop his ass then tie him to the goalpost and throw wet toilet paper at him.

At some point though Chad kicked it into a lower gear, stating on a phonecall to ESPN's NFL Live, "I think Carson is right, when I come back I want to be at my best, I have a commitment to be in tip top shape, I understand where he's coming from, I'm going to be there as soon as possible."

But the root of the whole problem (aside from the football perspective, which this post is only moderately interested in) is the telephone. Another Chad quote from NFL Live proves the most illuminating, but I made you read this whole article to get to it(!): "[Uncle Carson] never calls my phone, this is his way of talking to me."

Hopefully they remember to exchange numbers at the Mandatory minicamp later this month.

----------

Other Bengals News:

The party apparently is in Baltimore; Shayne "Where-da-party-at?" Graham is now a Raven. So hopefully he'll ruin their season by missing a clutch kick. Doesn't he owe Cincinnati that much?

The Bengals kicker, incidently, will probably be former Ohio State Buckeyes/New York Jets/some-other-teams-for-like-10-minutes-that-I-don't-feel-like-looking-up Mike "I Wish My Name Was Ted" Nugent, who happens to hail from my hometown. Do not feel any need be excited by this.

Da party ain't in Cincinnati, Shayne

Looks like the only original Dank Game nickname (Shayne "Where-da-party-at?" Graham, for those who don't know) isn't gonna stick. At least not in Cincinnati. Get the fuck outta here, Shayne. Now, let's do all we can to help promote WhoDeyRevolution's nickname for Brian Leonard: "The White Weapon." It's only a matter of time before it catches on.

Who Dey! WHO DEY! Who dey think gonna beat dem Bengals!

It's time to print the playoff tickets! At 7-2, and with four extremely easy games on tap, it's nearly impossible to imagine anything but a playoff berth for the tigers of 2009.

What (besides a healthy Carson Palmer) is the difference between the 2008 and 2009 Bengals? I'm gonna say the pass rush. Cincinnati had zero sacks against the Steelers last season. This year, I don't have the exact count, but it is closer to five or six. And many of them came at crucial moments.

Despite multiple red zone trips by Pittsburgh, Cincinnati held the Steelers to mere field goals. After an unexpected Bernard Scott kickoff return for a touchdown, 4 FGs weren't going to cut it.

Although he missed a 51 yard field goal (which apparently would have been the longest ever at Heinz Field), Shayne Graham quickly remembered "Where-da-party"s at, making four clutch field goals. Brandon Johnson filled in admirably for the injured Keith Rivers, knocking down a key 3rd down pass. And Fanene, filling in for Antwan Odom, had two sacks. Plenty more accolades can and will be given, but in the meantime let's just rest assured that the 2009 Cincinnati Bengals are winners.

Nothing feels better than beating the Steelers. Except beating the Steelers twice!

Never felt so bad about 1st place

The good news first:

The Bengals are tied for first atop the AFC-North. They have the same record as the Ravens! They even have the same record as the Patriots - yeah, the fuckin' Patriots!

But after damn near 15 minutes of overtime against the Browns, I cannot feel confident about this team.

Why not?

1. Brad St. Louis. He has cost the Bengals at least 8 points this season by my count. It's pretty pathetic watching a snap for a field goal or extra point fly over the head of the holder and behind the kicker. And although place holder Kevin Huber managed to pull down both bad snaps from this game, they still led to delayed, and thus blocked kicks. Fortunately Shayne Graham reminded him where-da-party's-at and the Bengals won in OT. Still, how does such a long term veteran screw up long-snapping (which, by the way, is his only job)?

2. Marvin Lewis. OK, Lewis brings a lot more good than bad to Cincinnati. But I don't know who else to blame. For years now he seems to get the team to play to the competition instead of putting out a consistent effort each week. A team like the Colts will barely beat a good team and train wreck a bad team. The Bengals make games against inferior teams way too close, while playing better than expected against big teams. Last year they took the Giants to overtime, seriously threatened the Cowboys, and beat the Redskins while playing like hell against very mediocre teams. They're basically doing the same thing this year, but they're winning the close games instead of losing them.

3. The 2nd quarter - Before this week I would have said the entire first half, but the Bengals finally turned on the offense before halftime. But through 4 weeks this season they are yet to do much of anything offensively in the second quarter. And outside of the Green Bay game, they haven't done much in the third quarter either. I don't mind having the team play darlings of the 4th quarter, but I'd prefer the offense play well for the entire game.

4. Chad Ochocinco. He played well and all, but his touchdown celebrations just aren't what they used to be.

Give me some time to let the 3-1 record sink in, instead of the bitter taste of a piss-poor game, and I'll probably have some positive things to say about the tigers. Two defensive scores in two weeks already come to mind.

'stache out

2009 Bengals - Inside scoop

Yesterday, yours truly worked for 12 hours at ground zero: Paul Brown Stadium.

The best part: I spent some of that time in the Bengal's locker room.

So guys, pay attention. This is likely the only time I will have any sort of "scoop" on a sports team. Unfortunately I could not take any pictures, but here's what I've got:




First and most important - Carson Palmer. I didn't see him run or throw footballs, but he was walking around nimbly without any brace on his ankle. It appears that he is already recovered from the ankle he sprained in the preseason.

Next up Andre Smith. Fuck. Whoever reported that his stress fracture would only keep him out for 7-10 days is either a spin-master or a moron. Days after the injury, he was milling around on crutches at the pace of an elderly woman. Maybe it doesn't matter so much. He wasn't likely to contribute much in the early goings of the season anyway after his 90 day holdout. I anticipate that he'll be place on the Physically Unable to Preform list to start the season, and not placed on the active roster until the last possible moment.

Rey Maualuga. Dude is hilarious, and might as well live at Paul Brown Stadium. On a day with no practices he still put in something like 12 hours. Interestingly enough, he and Shayne "Where-da-party-at" Graham were palling it around for much of the day. Quite the odd couple.

Graham is returning from a groin injury, but looked fine. The club had confidence enough to release their camp replacement kicker, so I'm sure he's recovered fully. David Jones is also recovering from an injury, but he looked to be in good shape, walking around quickly and pain free. Scott Kooistra (unsurprisingly nicknamed Kooister by his teammates) - another injured Bengal backup - didn't look to far from returning to the playing field either.

I saw several other players as well, including Bernard Scott, Michael Johnson (who is tall as fuck), Brandon Johnson, Dhani Jones (super nice guy) and Dennis Roland, plus coach Marvin Lewis. The only real disappointment is that Chad Ochocinco was there, but didn't really say or do anything entertaining. Not that he was an asshole or anything, but I've come to expect nonstop antics from him. He did work out in boxing shoes and a big robe that says Ocho Cinco on the back, so that's a least one nice touch. He was also incredibly ripped. Apparently that boxing regiment he endured this off season paid off.

Well, that's all I've got. Until next time (which as far as Dank Game inside scoops go might be never) this is Mustache signing off.

Let's see you get an exclusive scoop on the Heat, SlimMcFatTits!