Quarterbacking the 2011 Cincinnati Bengals

For obvious reasons, the 2011 Cincinnati Bengals will scantly resemble the 2010 or 2009 Queen City Tigers. For starters, in all likelihood the team will be coached by a man who's name isn't Marvin Lewis for the first time since 2002.

At this point not retaining Lewis is really more of a business decision for owner Mike Brown, suddenly struggling to sell tickets for the first time since the Dick LeBeau era. They have a head-coach-in-waiting in defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer however, and there remains a slim chance Marvin will actually be retained. Outside of these two options only meager speculations exist, which perhaps I'll write a future post about.

What's more fun is the guessing game that is Bengals quarterbacks of the future. Let's review some candidates:

1. Carson Palmer - Carson is due something like $12 million next year, so on the surface it would be a good time for Mike Brown to rid himself of that albatross of a contract. However, even if the Bengals take a rookie QB in the draft, it will still be most sensible to keep Palmer around as the starter for at least a little while. And who knows, having an up and coming fresh QB behind Palmer (i.e. not his younger brother) might even make him better.


2. Trades/Free Agents - Slightly troubled Titans QB Vince Young and either Eagles QBs Kevin Kolb or Mike Vick might very well be available in free agency or trade next season. Redskins QB Donovan McNabb could also be on the outs after only one season in Washington. It's not really Mike Brown's style to actually go after one of these guys, but the possibility is certainly there. The Bengals were the only club besides Philadelphia to offer Vick a contract upon his release from federal prison.


3. The Draft: There are several good, or at least intriguing, college quarterbacks likely entering the draft this year. With the Bengals choosing high in each round, they are likely to be able to land a decent one even in the second round. Stanford's Andrew Luck is widely regarded as the top of the heap. Auburn's Cameron Newton, Washington's Jake Locker and Arkansas's Ryan Mallett are other strong contenders.

The biggest key to any of these candidates succeeding is probably solid offensive coaching and a good offensive line. Cincinnati has neither in Offensive Coordinator Bob Bratkowski, or their mediocre line. Bratkowski should have been replaced years ago, but remains safe for unknown reasons. Right Tackle Andre Smith was supposed to shore up the latter problem, but he can't stay healthy. The Bengals would probably be better off getting a top flight offensive lineman as opposed to a QB, but this franchise is not known for sound decision making.

Hell, who knows. Maybe Jordan Palmer will be their starting QB next year.

Dwight Howard Out-rebounds the Super Friends!

Just look at the box score; the trio got only one more rebound than Dwight got by himself.

http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/boxscore?gid=2010112419

You can't win without rebounding and the Heat seem to be sorely lacking in that category.

Hawks-Jazz

Mustache is finally living up to his promise of covering Atlanta teams. After attending a Falcons, Hawks, and three Braves games, I am a fully integerated Atlanta sports denizen.

Anyway, I went with a small group of people to Phillips arena last night to catch the latest come-from-behind Jazz victory (although the margin was much smaller last night than in Florida). The arena is sort of connected to the CNN center, and in an indoor courtyard between the two is the world's best food court.

What makes it world class? They had enormous beers (I'm pretty sure they were 36 ounces) for like $8. Needless to say, we were a little late for the game.

Oh, did you want actually game commentary? Josh Smith didn't shoot threes very well, Joe Johnson is pretty good and Kirilenko of the Jazz gets a lot of rebounds.

Also, according to some kids in the elevator, the Falcons are going to the Superbowl.

After I got home I watched some of the Thunder-'Blazers game. Russell Westbrook for MVP.

The Future of the Cincinnati Bengals

It's time to face the music. Unless the 2010 Cincinnati Bengals go on a massive winning streak, they won't be playing post-season football this year. At worst they can lose two more games and still play January football.

Also worth noting is the staggering number of impact players for the team who's futures are in jeopardy. Some players are simply entering their prime while closing out their rookie deals, like starting cornerbacks Leon Hall and Jonathan Joseph. Other players are mid-career pickups who owner/General Manager Mike Brown likes to low-ball into short performance-incentive-based contracts like CB "Pacman" Jones, WR Terrell Owens and most notably RB Cedric Benson.

In a third category are aging superstars with long term contracts nearing their ends. Bengals fans are probably familiar with WR Chad Ochocinco and QB Carson Palmer, who is owed something like $12 million next season.

Anyone familiar with how Mike Brown runs this team knows we aren't getting all of these players back. Either CB Hall or Joseph will likely be retained along with the far less expensive Pacman, but probably not both. Unless no one else is willing to pay him, on the strength of a good season T.O. is likely headed out of town. Chad is headed into a Club-option year in his contract and will either whine for a new contract, a trade or simply for the Bengals to not use the option and give him up to free agency. Regardless of how all these lower priority Bengals contracts pan out, the team will look much different next year than it does right now.

But the biggest difference will be at either quarterback or running back. With Benson not under contract at all beyond this season and Palmer owed more money than he is likely worth at this stage in his career, it seems extremely unlikely Mike Brown will pony up the cash to keep them both. But assuming he keeps one (he really could lose both), the other position will have to be addressed in the 2011 draft.

Enter Mike Brown first round draft pick speculation:

Time to Thunder Up

I caught the OKC Thunder for the first time this season last night on TNT at the Portland Trailblazers. Reggie Miller was calling the game, but it was still thoroughly enjoyable, despite the Thunder blowing an early lead to go down big in the third quarter.

If I've learned anything about NBA basketball though, the good teams are the ones that are resilient. And getting two offensive boards in the expiring seconds of the fourth quarter to force overtime is certainly a sign of resilience, as is Russell Westbrook's three quarters of inspiring play (discounting the disappointing third period). In fact, Westbrook's highlight reel post-International play is nothing short of a top three point guard in the NBA (fuck you, Rondo).

One unfortunate trend that was appropriately noted by Miller and company is Kevin Durant's tendency to turn the ball over coupled with his lack of assists. Surely the two are connected, and you have to believe Durant will re-adjust to NBA play before too long. His teammate are getting it done, and sooner or later Durant will play a game in which he has as many assists as points. Go ahead and quote me one that.

One of his teammates getting it done of the bench is Dank Game favorite Serge "the Congolese Squeeze" Ibaka (it's gonna stick, just give it time to sink in). As the sixth man, Ibaka came off the bench in both halfs and provided lights out defensive play, keeping the Thunder in a game in which they gave up an atrocious number of offensive rebounds and let the 'Blazers shoot an absurdly high percentage in the second half.

More could be said about the Thunder's effort, including Jeff Green's 20+ points and Cole Aldrich's scrappy, albeit limited play (he didn't really do much, but Slim McFavorite feels like I'm supposed to be some big fan of his). But sitting at 3-2 and slowly cleaning up the mistakes, OKC next heads to Boston for their biggest game of the young NBA season (have I said fuck Rondo yet?)

*note - I'm pretty sure that picture isn't from last night's game, but I'm also pretty sure it's awesome.

The MJ controversy

With Michael Jordan's recent comments that he could put up 100 points in todays NBA, I just had to chime in. This isn't the first time that an old guard player has gone off about the quality of play in the modern NBA; I've heard Oscar Robertson rip the league too. I think it is ridiculous for MJ to say he could score 100 points. I kind of hope Kobe does it just to shut him up. The talent pool for the NBA is WAY bigger now then in Jordan's time. Basketball is truly a world sport now, ironically enough thanks in part to the dream team. Look at the Lakers, their second best player is Pau Gasol. The second best team in the world now is probably the Spanish National team. When MJ played, the depth of international talent was much lower. MJ was on a whole different level than everyone else when it came to conditioning. Now I think it is a different story with many more athletes getting in better condition. Just look at Lebron, man. Don't let MJ fool you, there is still plenty of physical defense in the NBA (ahem, Ron Artest). I mean, did you watch the Finals last year? It was a slugfest!

Saved By the Bell - The College Years

Hello Dank-Gamers

If there are any of you left, you've probably noticed a severe absence of new posts. Well, I think the steam ran out of each of our writers all at once. Even though football season has begun and basketball has reached preseason, no one seems to give a shit anymore.

So I welcome you to Dank Game - the College years. It's kind of like Saved By the Bell: The College Years - less funny, less interesting, and quite possibly an utter waste of anyone's time.

Basically, I decided I'm going to keep writing posts - sometimes. But I probably won't spend much time on them, and they'll be more venting/kvetching than an attempt at original content/humor. I probably won't bother doing too many photoshoppings either (how easy would it have been to put eddie's head into the Saved By the Bell photo).

Anyway, feel free to keep reading (and writing). Or don't. It's entirely up to you.

Fart,
Teenage_Mustache

(yeah, I stole that last part from David Cross)

2010 Bengals - An Alternative History

When Michael Vick was released from prison in 2009, only two teams supposedly offered him a contract. The Eagles, who signed him for two years, then started the third quarterback on their roster, Kevin Kolb, while franchise quarterback Donovan McNabb was hurt, then trading McNabb, handing the starting job to Kolb only to see him lose it to Vick.

The other team was the Bengals, and right now I sadly wish we actually had Vick. Vick would have meant that last season when Carson hurt his thumb, it wouldn't have been necessary for him to play while hurt down the stretch when a playoff berth was all but guaranteed. Furthermore, the dual rushing threat of Vick and Benson (and Leonard and Scott, really) would have been fascinating.

This season, I would just love to have a decent backup to light a fire under Carson Palmer's ass. He obviously will never get benched for his brother, and post-training camp pickup Dan LeFevour is obviously a development project at best. In these games where Palmer is throwing multiple interceptions or losing multiple fumbles, wouldn't it be nice to see Vick coming in?

Having Vick would have also meant a somewhat different draft philosophy. The Bengals wouldn't have needed Jermaine Gresham with a scrambling QB, as that inside option is typically a dump off for quarterbacks who can't run for first downs. Cincinnati could have possibly targeted an offensive lineman in the first round (which they really, really need). I've grown to like Gresham after initially thinking it was a wasted draft pick, but a dominate O-lineman (like Andre Smith was supposed to be) is a bigger need right now.

Maybe the Bengals can pick up Vick in free agency next season while they continue to develop LeFevour. Paying Carson $11.5 million next season is starting to seem foolish, while Vick is playing better than ever when he isn't hurt.

Mavericks Media Day = Dirk Getting Really Excited About Cooking

Whoa...

A New Dank Game Rivalry Is Upon Us...

And it features Dank Game's top two teams from the "Who We Rep" sidebar. I thought the Thunder/Heat Dank Game rivalry was going to be legendary, but it looks like the Wade/Lebron vs. T. Ocho rivalry could be even better. I find it funny that Chris Bosh is completely left out. Maybe Bosh could be included by getting Carson involved. I'm guessing he could ball, right? Hmmm, on second thought, maybe not so much. Perhaps hoops is more of Jordan Palmer's thing. Y'know, the more I think about it, I'm starting to think Jordan wouldn't be all that great either. I think the Palmer brothers are off the hook on this one. But maybe Marvin Lewis got game?

While I'm at it, here's a clip of T.O. throwing down an oop at Rucker Park followed by some guy appropriately named Miles High dunking on him.

I guess Ochocinco Could Be a WWE Nick Name

Guess who's appearing in an upcoming WWE event? If you guessed Ron Artest, you ain't even close.

That's right, Ochocinco will be making a guest appearance at the WWE's Monday Night Raw at US Bank Arena, according to the Cincinnati Enquirer. Says the WWE's website, "when Raw rolls into his home turf of Cincinnati, Ohio, Ochocinco will be on hand to soak up all the action." Couldn't have said it better myself.

As pro wrestling is by far the craziest "sport" in the country, this is major points for Chad against Ron Artest in the ongoing Dank Game insanity wars. After appearing in the cereal aisle in the grocery store I didn't think Chad could find crazier cohorts. But I hadn't thought of the WWE, home of such lunatics as the cast to the immediate left.

After thinking about pro wrestling for much longer than I ordinarily would, I started to wonder to what Chad would look like if he was a WWE Wrestler. I even planned on doing some Photoshopping for this post. Then I quite randomly stumbled upon this picture of a wrestler known as Big Daddy V. Question answered, Photoshop not required.:

Another [insert vulgarity] TV Show for Chad

Well Chad Ochocinco has another damn TV show. This is some sort of sports talk show he will co-host with teammate Terrell Owens. It's name?

The T.Ocho Show, of course!

Chad sort of describes it as being like ESPN's Pardon the Interruption, but "a lot more raw." Apparently so raw, the two also need an on-air mediator to keep things together.

According to an interview with Chad on FanHouse.com, the two will spend a half an hour a week discussing current sports topics (and probably totally random other stuff) on Versus. The show begins October 12th, but fans can get a sneak peak on September seventh on "The Daily Line." Oh that was yesterday? Well how about that, it's already on YouTube:



If you include two season of NFL football, in a 15 month span Chad has been on six different TV shows (Hard Knocks, 2009 NFL season, Dancing With the Stars, Ultimate Catch, 2010 NFL season & T.Ocho Show).

Honestly Chad, I love you and all, but there's definitely such a thing as spending too much time together.

In an unrelated story, Ron Artest still can't get his sorry ass TV show on the air.

PBS

So I know this song's been around since probably June or July, but I feel like not enough people are talking about it. Sure, there's no real dance to go with it, but why isn't it a national phenomenon yet? I only just discovered the music videos. I'm assuming this one came first:



Then I imagine after posting this to YouTube, it was decided the video was not no homo enough, so they shot this one:



Jeezy and Gucci probably did the beat more justice (I mean it's mean), but Soulja Boy Tell 'Em just writes what he knows, which I guess is, what, dances? I don't know. Some good YouTube comments on that first one ("Sounds like the disabled kid in malcolm in the middle").

Doushmandzadeh

After being released by the Seattle Seahawks there was a great deal of speculation about where former Bengals receiver TJ Houshmandzadeh would wind up. A return to Cincinnati was seen as a possibilty, although not particularly likely. There were rumors he'd go to Minnesota, the third team courting him in free agency last offseason. The Browns and Jets were listed as teams possibly targeting the talented malcontent. Last night the Raiders and the Redskins were supposedly the front runners for TJ's services.

But no. Housh signed with the Baltimore Ravens, Cincinnati's chief rival for the division crown in 2010. It was bad enough when Baltimore had former Bengals kicker Shayne "Where-da-party-at" Graham on their roster (who they eventually sent packing), but TJ

Housh was a hero in Cincinnati from 2005-2007, a starting wide receiver in what at the time was on the league's premier duos. It just isn't right to have to see him in the uniform of a division rival. Seeing him in a Seahawks jersey was one thing, and I even could have tolerated the Brown's signing him. But when Housh makes his return to Cincinnati with the Ravens week two, get ready for some loud booing.

Bengals, Bearcats and even the Redlegs

Yesterday was a monster day in Cincinnati sports. The Bengals had to whittle down their rosters while keeping an eye on the waiver wire and possible trades. The Bearcats played their first game under new head coach Butch Jones, Former coach Brian Kelly coached his first game with the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, and the Reds were smack in middle of their final series against arch-rival St. Louis Cardinals.

Let's start with the Bengals: our boys in stripes made some surprising roster moves, but started the day with more obvious ones. Thanks to Twitter, this year fans were able to see in close to real time the actual order players were released, which was a good distraction during extremely non-competitive afternoon SEC football games. First to go were WR Matt Jones (18), K Dave Rayner and a rookie whom they clearly hope will be one their practice squad, WR Dezmon Briscoe.

Next on the chopping block was S Kyries Hebert, OT Issac Sowells and S Marvin White. Hebert thus far was the only cut you could call a surprise, though no one could truly have been happy with Cincinnati's depth at safety.

Who Dey Think Gonna Play 4 Dem Bengals?

Tomorrow is cut down day for the entire NFL. By 6:00 pm tomorrow the Bengals have to pare down their 75 player roster into only 53.

This may be the most promising Bengal's season of my lifetime, as the Bengals have actually enjoyed quality play at all starting positions, with the only real roster battles at back up and special team positions. What this tells you is that for once the Bengals are returning a starting roster that is actually talented (minus a few key pieces who've been replaced by reasonably sound free agent pickups, cough cough, TO).

So what Bengals can we look forward to watching on the bench this season and which can we mournfully send packing?

TE Dan Coats (86) vs. FB Joe Tronzo: Fui Vakapuna seems like an extended longshot to make the squad after missing the entire preseason with a shoulder injury. Tronzo, an undrafted rookie, has played well in his place, but Coats has a few years experience and the "versatility" to play tight end and fullback. It's highly unlikely both guys will make the squad, but I'm pulling for Tronzo. He'll almost certainly be on the practice squad if he doesn't make the team.

WR Jerome Simpson vs. WR Dezmon Briscoe: Since Cosby announced via Twitter that he has been informed he has made the squad, presumably only one WR spot remains open. Since nobody really thinks Matt Jones or Maurice Purify are going to make the team, it's down to the rookie Briscoe or the as of yet unproven Simpson. Since Simpson has finally started playing special teams, he'll probably make the team. Briscoe absolutely will make the practice squad if another team does not claim him however.

DL Pat Sims vs. DL Frostee Rucker (92): Rucker has more versatility on the defensive line, but Sims has been more consistant, starting a few games in place of Tank Johnson. Rucker has also spent much of his Bengal's career injured. Most would assume Sims makes the team over Rucker, but the "Snowman" has always seemed to be a Marvin Lewis favorite. Either could make it as a backup with another team, and one of them will probably get the chance.

S Kyries Hebert vs. S Rico Murray: This one's kind of a no win. Hebert is a great special teams player, but clearly not a great option at safety. Murray isn't spinning anyone's head himself. Safety is possibly the weakest position on the roster, so hopefully both guys are cut in favor of a better free agent cut from another team. Otherwise, I would think Hebert has the slight edge.

QB Jordan Palmer vs. QB Carson Palmer: There's only room for one Palmer brother on this team. Can Jordan oust Carson? Just wondered if anyone was still reading this.

Oh, it's kind of sad. I'm probably talking about some of these players for the last time.

Cuban Missile

As we all know right now is one of the most boring times of the year in sports. Basketball has been long gone, world cup is over, and NFL preseason is pretty much bullshit but it is good just to see the pigskin on the teevee. Which leaves baseball. Now I'm not as much as a baseball hater as some of the other dank gamers, and this year has been pretty exciting for the queen city. (well as exciting as baseball can get. )

So the reds are currently 8 fucking games ahead in first going into our series with the cardinals, the number 2 spot. But what's worth writing about is Aroldis Chapman, the Cuban Missile. This 22 year old cuban defector came into Tuesdays nights game to pitch a perfect inning. I've been waiting all year for this kid to be called up from the minor leagues and I was actually at that game but happened to leave right before he came out. The weekend before he played in the minors he was clocked at a 105 mph fastball. In the game he hit 103. This kid is insane with a 87 mph slider. With 28 games to go until the World Series begins the Cuban Missile might be the one to give this city a much needed trophy.

Hank Snow

So I've been on a country kick lately, as I am every so often. While in the past it's been all about Hank Williams, Lefty Frizzell, or Jimmie Rodgers, this kick's been all about the other great Hank of country, Hank Snow (not to be confused with Al Snow). While normally I'm pretty against Canadians in country music (see Shania Twain) Snow's just got one of those voices built for it. On top of that, he's a snappy dresser. Rather than get real analytical, I'm just gonna post YouTube videos. Just look at how fun TV used to be. Also, on second thought, "You're Still the One" is pretty good I guess.

Crazy Enough for Breakfast Cereal

I'm going to start off by saying, this is an actual product. Ochocinco has a breakfast cereal, naturally enough named "OchocincO's!

It will be available at the Newport, KY Kroger Marketplace Store and online according to Sports Business Digest. The cereal was manufactured by PLB Sports who apparently made a Terrell Owens themed breakfast cereal last year for the ever elusive Buffalo market.

This finally gives Ochocinco the edge he needs to get back into the Ron Artest insanity race. Artest's perfectly reasonable victory lap after finally earning an NBA title has given Chad ample time to make up ground. He may have started to do so with The Ultimate Catch and numerous nonsensical Batman references, but this may prove to be the coup d'etat.

How, you ask, can an endorsement deal make Chad crazier? Well, if this were a sports drink or a sneaker it simply couldn't. But this is breakfast cereal, where America's most insane creations meet to try and woo unsuspecting children to eat ever more sugary treats.

Let's take a quick look at Chad's company in the cereal aisle: Toucan Sam, Lucky the Leprechaun, Count Chocula, Captain Crunch, the Trix Rabbit, Snap, Crackle, Pop and Sunny the Cuckoo Bird (who is advertised specifically as being "co-co for Cocoa Puffs" mind you). And if you branch out to other breakfast foods you can throw in Mrs. Butterworth and Poppin' Fresh AKA the Pillsbury Doughboy. It's quite simply the most insane collection of characters ever assembled, and Ochocinco is now proudly part of it

Ron Artest, your days are numbered!

*as a final thought, do you like how instead of licensing the Bengals' jersey they just made a really shitty imitation.

**final final thought - does this put Chad in direct competition with Tony the Tiger as far as striped cereal mascots?

There's Basketball on Television Again!

Last night after playing some hoops, I was flipping through channels and stumbled across a replay of the FIBA exhibition game between USA and Spain. Luckily, I had yet to check my usual basketball websites so I was unaware of the outcome. It turned out to be a super entertaining game and has got me pumped to tune into future FIBA games. Here's some of my observations:

Spain Has Got Some Ballers

Spain is obviously the biggest threat to USA's basketball supremacy. They came close to beating the Redeem Team in the '08 Olympics, which is a game I have still yet to watch. Apparently Chauncey Billups hasn't either, so that makes me feel a little better.

Ricky Rubio's court vision is certainly not all hype. He made some creative passes in transition, and the Pistol Pete comparisons are certainly justified. He's also very disruptive with his length on defense. Former Memphis Grizzly Juan Carlos Navarro was also impressive. He appears to be Spain's go-to offensive weapon, especially during crunch time. I wish he would have stuck around in the NBA, but there's just as much money to be made in Europe so I can't say I blame him for choosing Europe over the US. Marc Gasol played a decent game, but it was also really interesting to see some Spanish players who have never played in the NBA, like Fran Vazquez and Felipe Reyes.

Team USA Was Inconsistent Yet Exciting

Besides Durant, who had an excellent all around game, many of USA's players were making some really great plays but following them up with really stupid plays. For instance, Stephen Curry at one point crossed over Ricky Rubio and finished with a beautiful floater and shortly thereafter stole it from Rubio and finished with a reverse layup on the break. Soon after though, he committed a turnover and missed a jumper on consecutive possessions. Andre Iguodala was making plays but struggled shooting. Russell Westbrook missed a fastbreak dunk after getting a steal early in the game, but redeemed himself with a nice drive and a behind the back pass to Durant on the break. Derrick Rose had flashes of brilliance, especially down the stretch, but also turned it over five times.

Overall, Team USA seems impressive in transition but they still need time to mesh as a team and adjust to the international rules, as there were several travels called throughout the game.

Lamar Odom and Chauncey Billups provide veteran leadership, but Durant is clearly the leader with Derrick Rose playing second fiddle. KD was brilliant on offense and had two crucial blocks at the end of the game, including one on Rudy Fernandez as time expired.

Props to Coach K

Mike Krzyzewski deserves plenty of credit for this win, as he switched to zone during Spain's final possession of the game. Spain wanted to run the pick and roll with Navarro, so Coach K switched it up after running man-to-man for almost the entire game. Spain's Fran Vasquez said that they weren't surprised by the move, but it did prove to be a decision that affected the outcome of the game. With that said, Durant deserves the bulk of the credit for his stifling D on Fernandez.

Also Worth Noting

Durant and Marc Gasol exchanged words at one point during the game, which is something I'm not used to seeing from either of those players. Maybe there's a chance that Nenad Krstic will have the opportunity to throw chairs in KD's defense after all.

They kept running some awful chocolate milk ad with Chris Bosh and some woman Olympic athlete. There's a close-up of Bosh talking about the benefits of chocolate milk, and this woman keeps popping up next to him to fill in certain words and phrases. When the camera cuts to a wide shot, it's revealed that he's soooo tall that she has to jump on a trampoline to reach his height. It's a piss poor concept to begin with and Chris Bosh doesn't help, as he has the personality of a rock.

Ochocinco Drops His Ultimate Catch

In a story that should surprise NO ONE, reality TV star Chad Ochocinco is no longer with whichever slut won his bracket-style dating show Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch.

Apparently he is now dating another VH1 reality star, Evelyn Lozada of Basketball Wives. I'm not really sure how if she's a basketball wife she's dating Chad, but I'd much rather assume she got divorced or something than investigate yet another terrible VH1 reality program.

According to TMZ (eww!) VH1 is "pissed at Ochocino about the relationship," as Ultimate Catch does not wrap up it's season for another few weeks. Apparently it is a "spoiler" that Chad does not stay with the girl he picks. I'm not aware of any successful relationship being started by a reality dating show, and I sincerely doubt anyone watching Ultimate Catch actually gives a damn about Chad's relationship. Clearly they're tuned in for either Chad's personality, really slutty girls making incredible asses of themselves, or both.

Anyway, let's hope VH1's alleged ire at Ocho is enough to prevent a second season of Ultimate Catch from coming to fruition. I can't take it anymore!

Preseason Week 2 Heroes and Villains

I present another edition of Preseason Heroes and Villains. Sorry to have disappointed last week, but I was unable to watch the game and writing one of these based solely on highlights is just pointless.

Before I get into the whole song a dance, I'd like to point out that for a third straight week a Bengals preseason game was nationally broadcast. The HOF Game was on NBC, the Denver "Tebow" game was on NFL Network and last night's game against the Eagles was on FOX. No more Bengals games will be on national TV, but it's fascinating that out of five preseason games, three were seen by a national audience. Only three regular season games are slated for primetime for the Bengals this season, so their preseason popularity is odd. I suppose the Tebow debut and the last minute TO signing had a lot to do with it though.

About TO - I would make him a hero, but I've got a lot already. Basically he's doing exactly what he's expected to do (get open downfield and catch the ball) which is good because L. Coles never could last season.

Alright, we'll start with the bad:

Villains

QB J.T. O'Sullivan - The guy just does not have a great deal of consistency or accuracy. The start of the third quarter was horrendous offensively. He did get things going a little bit at the end of quarter, but a missed field goal kept his efforts off the score board.

K Dave Rayner - Speaking of the missed field goal, come on! It was only from about 35 yards. Rayner supposedly had the edge over oft-injured Mike Nugent, but missing from so close probably evens the battle. It would be nice to have a dependable kicker (like Philly - Akers never missed). I wouldn't be surprised if the Bengals signed a kicker off the waiver wire in the final cut down days.

QB Carson Palmer - I'm kind of short on villains, otherwise I wouldn't lump him in here. But he did throw two interceptions, the first of which was especially ugly. The larger beef in my mind is that despite spurts of activity, Carson could not maintain drives. I don't think the Bengals first team offense ever went three and out, but picking up one first down then punting doesn't do a lot for you.

OT Andre Smith - Well he certainly looked like he'd only been practicing for a few days. Two holding penalties, one false start, one sack allowed, several pressures allowed. Smith needs to clean up his performance quickly or we'll have to rely on Dennis Roland again who is actually worse than Smith even when Smith's conditioning isn't great.

Investment Opportunity

Wow.

Sometimes money just stares you in the face. I'll ask you all to observe this promotional video for the "Shake Weight:"



Alright. I'm sure this thing does get you "ripped" (and based on the ad, really really gay). And I'm not claiming that you can make any money simply by getting into shape (you can't.)

But if you have a brain in your head (which the faggots demonstrating the Shake-Weight obviously do not), you can tell this product is bull shit. Thought it may very well help you get in shape, it obviously will cause Carpel Tunnel Syndrome. I mean, if computer video games can cause this nerve disorder, then a product that's only purpose it to shake the shit out of your wrist is bound to.

So my advice (I have no degree in economics, law, medicine nor physical education; I just happen to be among the slim portion of Americans who aren't retarded) is to buy a Shake Weight. And use it. It couldn't possibly take but five years before the class action lawsuit arrives. If typing can give you Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, the Shake Weight likely only accelerates the process.

And let's face it - if you're taking advice from a website called Dank-Game.Blogspot.com, you weren't going to make any money in the meantime anyway.

Shake Weight is your future!

OKC's Nenad Krstic Gets All WWF on Greece

The Thunder's Nenad Krstic has never seemed like much of a violent guy. In fact, he would probably benefit from playing with some more aggression on the basketball court. In a recent exhibition game with his native Serbia going up against Greece, Krstic showed that he is willing to mix it up, but he didn't show it by setting hard screens or banging on defense in the paint. When a scuffle broke out in the middle of the game, Nenad showed that he is willing to ride out for his fellow countrymen as he threw several punches, stomped on a fallen player for Greece and even threw a chair all WWF-style.



It kind of makes sense now that he hasn't shown much of a mean streak in the past, as Krstic seems absolutely clueless of how to throw a punch. Not that I'm much of a scrapper, but I at least know to punch with my knuckles rather than the soft bottom of my fist. Nenad looks more like he's playing Whac-A-Mole with his fists than he does fighting.

I think the real question here is whether Nenad is willing to get violent like this in defense of his OKC brethren. I really can't imagine Durant, Westbrook or any other member of the Thunder getting in a fight so we'll probably never know.

Nike Twilight Runner (Fall 2010)

Another slick runner from Nike. Not too sure about the background of this shoe, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna do any research. What am I, a journalist? Needless to say, these are d-d-dope. Colorway is pretty perfect, materials (ripstop, leather, nylon) are durable for the upcoming Fall season. It's a winner. Out now. Availability is limited to select accounts.

Via hypebeast

[Indoor Practice] Field of Dreams

If you build it, they will come ... and stay.

Last season the Bengals' lack of an indoor practice facility became a public issue when the team embarrassingly had to travel 20+ miles up to Mason to use an indoor soccer field. Blogs like WhoDeyRevolution.com have noted for some time that Cincinnati is the Northernmost NFL team to not have such a facility, and given that football is played into December (if not January and February, knock on wood) it should be a no-brainer that inclement winter weather will interrupt practice sometimes in Southern Ohio. It is simply pathetic to take a team by bus to a soccer field. This is one of many reasons why Cincinnati has a long standing issue getting free agents to want to play for the Bengals.

Fast forward to 2010 and we find Head Coach Marvin Lewis in the final year of his contract after eight years with the team. It is no easy task to make the Mike Brown run Bengals into a success [see: 1991-2002] so anyone who thinks Lewis isn't crucial is dreaming.

But for once the chips are not on Mike Brown's side of the table. After a surprise 2010 playoff appearance and division championship, Lewis is in a position to make demands. Brown is a notoriously private owner, refusing to comment on negotiations with Lewis except to assure that they are ongoing. However it is widely assumed that Lewis would like more control over personnel decisions, if not the hiring of a General Manager not named Brown or Blackburn.

One nugget of negotiation that has emerged however (via James Walker of ESPN - the only ESPN journalist who has any clue about the Bengals) is that "an indoor practice facility appears to be one point of contention between Bengals ownership and . . . Lewis."

So the situation is eerily similar to the movie Field of Dreams. Mike Brown wants to honor his sports figure father's legacy (Paul Brown). He catches wind that good things will happen if he builds a field (the indoor practice facility). And if he builds it, they will come (good free agents, coaches, etc).

More accurately, if he builds it, he will stay. Surely Lewis will want more than just the indoor facility, but it would be an excellent start. Even if Lewis does not stay with the Bengals beyond the 2010 season, this is a step that still serves the long term interests of the team. Especially if the salary cap does not come back after this season, the Bengals will need to do everything they can to lure talent to remain competitive as one of the smaller market teams.

Enough useless talk already; Mike Brown, please just build the damn indoor practice field (of dreams).

Throwback Posterization: Drexler Dunks on Sean Elliot

This week's Throwback Posterization features Clyde "The Glide" Drexler dunking over the Spurs' Sean Elliot, who was a favorite of mine growing up. From what I hear, he's an awful commentator these days like so many other former players... I'm looking in your direction, Reggie Miller. I'm not sure what year this is from but it has to be sometime after 1995 when Clyde was traded midseason by the Blazers to the Rockets. If this was indeed the '95 season, the Rockets would go onto defeat the Spurs in the Western Conference Finals as Hakeem Olajuwon schooled MVP David Robinson.

Ok, onto the dunk. Terry Cummings gets trapped under the basket by Olajuwon and company, forcing him to make a bad pass that Kenny "The Jet" Smith picks off. While the Spurs struggle to get back on defense, Smith takes the ball up court and makes a nice bounce pass to Drexler trailing on the wing. Sean Elliot tries to draw the charge but Drexler goes up and throws it down hard, causing both players to fall to the floor.

A Belated OKC perspective on "The Decision"

I'm not here to lampoon LeBron James and his ludicrus "The Decision" ESPN special. Dank Game, among many, many others, has done that plenty already.

Instead I've allowed a little time to pass, hopefully instilling reason into my OKC-themed reaction. So here it goes:

Kevin Durant will be the 2010-11 NBA MVP. And the runner-up will probably be Kobe Bryant.

Here's why:

James won MVP honors as the defacto leader of a Cavaliers team built around him. And it is a regular season award, so any talk of him not truly stepping up in the playoffs is inconsequential. LeBron was the undisputed focus of the team that won the most regular season ball games in the NBA in the 2009-10 season.

And the runner up was Kevin Durant, from the somewhat more team-oriented Oklahoma City Thunder. OKC was only able to muster an 8th seed in a crowded Western Conference, but coming off a truly bad debut season for the OKC franchise the year before, Durant quickly reestablished himself as a young superstar. He cemented this status by supplanting James as the NBA scoring leader and again winning the All-Star weekend HORSE competition (I know nobody cares about that, but I love mentioning it).

So now, with the "Three Headed Monster" in Miami, how can James (or Wade and Bosh for that matter) truly put up MVP stats? LeBron's points per game will almost have to go down, as the offense will no longer depend on him nearly every possession; the days of him playing point-forward should be over. Although his post-season aspirations should benefit as a result of this, the fact remains James is no longer the heart and soul of his team.

But Durant is. And unless Kobe has a season that makes him look a decade younger, Durant should easily be able to repeat as scoring champion. With the Lakers getting another year older, the window is opening for the Thunder, and I definitely see them enough games (55?) to put them in the top half of the West. That coupled with his prolific scoring ability will push Kevin Durant to an MVP season.

And Kobe, the likely runner-up, will have to watch as the West begins to slip away from his Lakers.

Funny Bengals Tweets - Training Camp Edition

Twitter would indicate that the Bengals are enjoying training camp in Georgetown, KY. Although we don't have Hard Knocks in G-Town this year, the proof is in the funny tweets:

Defensive tackle Tank Johnson (TankJohnson99) finds Georgetown, Kentucky amusing, but training camp exhausting:

• Saw a chick wit one tooth and a tongue ring in long john silver today! Justa clickin that thang against dat 1 tooth! #ahhgeorgetown so funny
• Seriously considering driving from dorms to meetings! Its a 45 second walk and a 1 min drive!
  

Punt Returner Quan Cosby (Cosby12) is a man who doesn't mind having his sleep interrupted and likes crappy game shows:

• Oh and I forgot to thank NFL drug testing for costing me an hr and a half of sleep this morning. God bless u! Haha
• I dont think I can be beaten in family feud! I don't watch it very much but skills stay on point! Mind is a terrible thing to waste!
  

Cornerback Rico Murray (Mr513RicoMurray) has an opinion about teammate Chad Ochocinco and about the hardest working man in Georgetown:

• The only thing that can't be stopped is that man's [Ochocinco's] mouth...
• The most memorable person in Georgetown. the little Caesar guy who dances all day long..I thought my job was hard
  

New wide receiver Terrell Owens (terrellowens) also had an anecdote about Chad:

• Chad is n his room playing FIFA by himself b/c no1 will play with him! Lol.

Chad (OGOchoCinco) got everyone back though:

• Just finished my weight workout early as hell, no meetings till 10:15, i should wake players up in their dorm rooms with the blow horn
• My vuvuzela came in handy early this morning, im sure i woke some folks up screaming gooolll and blowing my vuvuzela.

Linebacker Rey Maualuga (maualuga58) wishes for one night he could be somewhere else:

• Wish I was going to the Rascall Flatts concert 2morrow. My favorite country band. #dontjudgeme

Rookie cornerback Brandon Ghee (BGhee) is growing up and giving culinary advice:

• Chillin wit @GenoStacks [rookie defensive tackle Geno Atkins].....you know your getting old when you start arguing about taxes...ha ha
• Bout to eat some chipotle. If you don't like chipotle it's something wrong with you

With training camp wrapped up, that's all the funny Bengals tweets for now.

Death Haunts This Team

We've all heard the stories about last season's tragedies:

First Mike Zimmer tragically coming home to find his wife had died. Then the Samoan tsunami that affected the friends and families of Maualuga, Peko and Fanene (though fortunately none lost any relatives). And finally their teammate Chris Henry fatally falling out of the back of a truck. The 2009 Cincinnati Bengals season had something of a hex on it, although instead of losing games the team was losing something more precious.

Unfortunately for the franchise, the 2010 season is not starting out any differently. Shortly before the Bengals preseason home opener, 1988 Superbowl season hero running back Ickey Woods (creator of this celebration dance) tragically lost his son. Elbert Jovante Woods died three days after suffering a major asthma attack, and just days before he would have started his junior year of high school.

Paul Brown Stadium observed a moment of silence before Sunday's game against the Broncos. Much like the Bengals bounced back to dismantle the Ravens after Vicki Zimmer's death, Cincinnati pulled together to take down the Denver Broncos in an otherwise meaningless victory.

The real question is if it takes tragedy to propel this team, is winning even worth it? Let's all hope this is the last truly sad news coming out of the Bengals' camp for a while.

Throwback Posterization: Pippen Absolutely Destroys Ewing

In honor of Scottie Pippen's induction to the Hall of Fame, this week's Throwback Posterizaation features one of the most famous posterizations of all time. This is from the second round of the 1994 NBA Playoffs, which was the Bulls' only playoff run without Michael Jordan between his first retirement and comeback. The third-seeded Bulls would fall to the second-seeded Knicks in seven games, and the Knicks would ultimately fall to the Rockets in the Finals in seven games. Game three of this series featured one of Pippen's most infamous moments in his career, when he refused to return to the game because Phil Jackson drew up the last shot for Toni Kukoc. Kukoc would hit the winning shot, but there wasn't much celebration due to the drama. It was a blemish on Pippen's otherwise stellar career.

Ok, onto the dunk. Horace Grant blocks a layup attempt by Derek Harper (I think) which sparks a fastbreak led by B.J. Armstrong. Armstrong sends a bounce pass across court to Pete Meyers, who immediately bounces it to Pippen. Pippen catches the pass and elevates over Ewing to throw down a vicious dunk. As Ewing falls to the floor, Pippen swipes at him as he comes down from the dunk. This would cost him a technical foul. After landing, Pippen defiantly walks over Ewing and stares him down. Pete Meyers tries to give Pippen a high five, but Scottie's just too fired up to bother. This dunk serves as a reminder of the physicality and intensity of '90s Playoff basketball.

Nike SB Dunk High "Tecate"

This Nike SB Dunk quickstrike release is set to make its way to stores sometime this month. For some reason, this shoe's color scheme is inspired by the Mexican beer Tecate, which is the main reason I decided to post this. It just seemed a little bizarre to me, but then again, Nike did release another SB Dunk earlier this year that was inspired by, well, dank. Of course, that particular Dunk released on April 20th.

I'm usually not into shoes that use metallic materials in large doses, but something about that striped metallic gold against the red suede really catches my eye. The white outline on the red patent leather Swoosh is also a nice touch. Unfortunately, there's no word on when Nike will release the Modelo and Negra Modelo inspired Dunks, but The Most Interesting Man In The World has informed me that the Dos Equis colorway will see a quickstrike release next month.

More photos after the jump.

Chad Ochocinco Dickin' Around at Target

While Teenage Mustache has been busy getting serious in writing about the Bengals, I'm picking up the slack on his lazy coverage of Ochocinco, who he once claimed was the craziest athlete in sports. I think 'Stache now realizes that Ron Artest is clearly more insane, and has all but waved the white flag with his recent lack of Ochocinco coverage. Even 'Stache admits that Chad's VH1 reality show disaster The Ultimate Catch is more stupid than it is insane. With that said, Ochocinco is still pretty amusing, if not all that crazy. And so, here are some photos of him dicking around at Target, complete with his own captions from Facebook.

My feet hurt so but they won't let me use the motorized scooter at target right now

Acting out the movie 300 with Nerf axes and a garbage pail top

Safety is key

ARod can't hit inside the aisles of Target

A true hole in one

Damn! I'm going to jail for trying to steal PADS, heavy absorbency 42 count for my homegirl Bon Qwee Qwee

Oh, He Mad Light Though

So I realize this post might come off as a "ironic" in that oh-so-pejorative sort of way, but think what you like. Sean Paul is actually the shit.

He's been outta the light (get it?) for a bit now, but some people, namely me, really wish he'd come back. I mean do you remember 2003? Dude was everywhere. His album Dutty Rock is practically a greatest hits collection in and of itself. Check the tracklist here. The success he gained off that one album is pretty unreal, especially for a guy who's largely unintelligible. But the catchiness of the music is undeniable, and I'm glad it happened.

I think the last big hit dude had was "Temperature" which was back in '05 or some shit. It's been too long. Make more hits please.

Steve Carrell is Taking His Appetite to Outback Steakhouse

Somehow I missed this parody of "The Decision" from the ESPYs featuring Steve Carell and Paul Rudd. I was skeptical at first, but it's actually pretty damn funny. Steve Carrell's former restaurant of choice, Chili's, has even responded to his decision with a scathing letter to its patrons typed in Comic Sans. Check out the letter after the jump.

HOF Game Heroes and Villians

Hey, it's Dank Game's 400th post, right as football season is upon us! As we just celebrated our 1 year anniversary, I won't make a big deal about our latest milestone. But I think we'll have to do something for 500 posts, a la Eddie in Time Square, but better.

Anyway, I have to say the Hall of Fame Game last night could have put me in a better mood. It's still preseason and many starters barely played, but the team didn't truly look ready. In Coach Marvin Lewis' defense, the first preseason game usually comes after another full week of training camp. But either way, much needs to be worked on.

So let's get started with HOF Game Villians:

1. QBs J.T. O'Sullivan and Jordan Palmer - what was that? Those interceptions were pitiful. I realize that most NFL teams don't truly have a viable backup quarterback, but we have some of the worst. We're going to have a lot of problems should Carson go down to injury for any stretch. Which brings me to number two.

2. The Offensive Line (that's like 14 players) - As many feared, the Bengals pass protection looked unstable. None of the Bengals quarterbacks had much time to get the ball downfield, so I'll forgive a little bit of sloppy play from Carson and company. This unit is the biggest question mark on the team in my opinion, and I'm not encouraged by what I saw last night.

3. Tight End Daniel Coats - Every time Coats suits up in a Bengals uniform a little piece of my soul dies. Pray no other tight ends get hurt so he doesn't make the roster.

4. Cornerback Adam Jones (24) - He really didn't have that bad of a game, but he isn't quite ready to go against number one WRs again. Having been out of football for over a year, I think he'll be more ready to go by when the season starts. Won't it be nice when both Leon Hall and Jonathan Joseph start though?

Lost in the Reality Shuffle

I wanted to post something about the Bengals today, given that preseason starts in mere hours. But I kind of ran the gamut on current Bengals stuff to talk about in my last few posts (minus Roseanne Barr National Anthem). But in the spirit of Who Dey, I will talk about Dhani Jones.

Dhani is the only Bengals player I've actually talked to, and it's no surprise why he was the first Bengal with his own reality show, Dhani Tackles the Globe. Jones is entertaining and engaging, and his show is actually considerably more watchable than either TO's or Chad's (including Dancing With the Stars).

OK, so I've only seen part of one episode a year ago. But I got the gist of it; Dhani goes to some non-US part of the world and learns and competes at a local sport. Usually it is something rough, like rugby or sumo wrestling or something. This description really does the show no justice, but I assure you once again that it is much better than the TO Show or Ultimate Catch.

For some reason, when Bengals reality TV shows are mentioned since the TO signing, which is frequently, DTtG rarely gets mentioned. And it's a shame, because it's totally the best one. I guess folks like VH1 better than the Travel Channel.

Anyway, the season starts in a couple of hours, so we can forget about the reality shows now. Yeah!

Nike Air Force 1 Hi Light Charcoal/White

Sorry to bombard you with shoes all of a sudden, but I had to find something to post about in order to push down Teenage Butt Rash's throwaway post featuring Roseanne's horrendous rendition of the National Anthem. I guess it's sorta funny, but c'mon 'Stache, you're better than that.

Anyhow, I'm really feeling these charcoal grey nubuck Air Force 1s. These classic kicks always look real nice in a clean, simple colorway. This particular pair are quite possibly my favorite Air Force 1s I've ever seen, but I've always had a soft spot for grey shoes. For real though, it don't get much cleaner than this.

You can purchase these for a cool $100 at Nike Sportswear retailers and the Nice Kicks store in Austin, TX.

Size? X Nike Blazers Releasing Right In Time for Bengals Season

UK retailer Size? will be releasing these fresh Nike Blazers later this month in a Cincinnati Bengals friendly colorway. I already got my Bengals-themed Air Max 90s ready for the season through Nike iD, so I think I'm gonna have to pass on these. There's also a third colorway that's mostly orange, but details on that pair's release are vague. I'm not crazy about Size?'s question mark logo replacing the usual NIKE on the back (picture after the jump), but otherwise I'm really feelin' these.

Props to the fine folks at Nice Kicks.

Roseanne Barr National Anthem

Most Dank Game readers know that I refuse to be outdone by SlimMcDonalds. And although I can't actually top Marvin Gaye's rendition of the National Anthem in terms of musical quality and originality, I can top it in turns of overall entertainment value. Ladies and gentlemen, Roseanne Barr singing the National Anthem at a San Diego Padres game on July 26th 1990:



I know, I know - it's baseball. But it's still hilarious, and I don't totally hate baseball right now since the Reds are actually good this year.

Ready? Let's GO!

Football begins anew this coming Sunday when our beloved Cincinnati Bengals fight the hated Dallas Cowboys at the Hall of Fame game in Canton, OH. The season kick-off is accompianied by lots of HOF ceremonies, including the induction of the new class. This year's inductees include WR Jerry Rice, RB Emmit Smith and former Bengals/Steelers coach and Lions CB Dick LeBeau.

Anyway, it's always one of the worst football games of the year, as it's essentially an extra preseason game for each team. But it's still our first chance to catch the tigers in action, and if they can knock pretty boy Tony Romo on his ass once, it'll be worth it.

Here are the 6 things Mustache is looking forward to seeing this Sunday:

1. RB Bernard Scott - His name keeps getting dropped as a second year player to watch. He had a pretty solid rookie outing, with a hundred yard game against the Raiders and a kickoff return for touchdown against the Steelers. So if as the Bengals "change-0f-pace-back" and kick returner he is poised to have an even bigger year, I for one am excited.

2. LB/DE Michael Johnson - Another name that is consistently mentioned as a potential break-out player, the 6-7 third round pick from last season is earning a solid reputation. The team is actually moving him to a new position, linebacker, and despite the learning curve everyone seems to be impressed. It sounds like he could lead the team in sacks this season, even coming off the bench.

3. TE Jermaine Gresham - Finally in camp, everyone is excited to see what Gresham can add to this team. I'd put him higher, but given that he's only been practicing with the team for a few days it's unlikely he'll do much. We'll see though.

4. The Offensive Line - I'm not so much eager as nervous to watch this unit. The OL got a lot of praise last season for exceeding expectations, but that's because they were so low after the miserable 2008 campaign. In my opinion, this is the team's biggest weakness. OT Andre Smith, first round pick from last year, won't be playing, but let's hope the line can block without him. We'll probably have to get used to that scenario.

5. Wide Receiver Battle - there an enormous logjam at the WR position in Cincinnati, and from the sound of it everyone is bringing their A-game. Given that the first team usually only plays a few series in this somewhat meaningless game, the WRs on the roster bubble will likely play much of the game. Andre Caldwell and Jordan Shipley (11) are both practically locks to make the team, but it will be good to see Shipley in stripes for the first time as well as discovering if Caldwell is really "the most improved player" as Coach Lewis called him at one point. Also, Jerome Simpson has really been impressing, to the point where even national media (who trust me, don't really follow the Bengals closely) have noticed. Rookie Dezmon Briscoe (88), practice squad veteran Maurice Purify and free agent pick-up Matt Jones will also be showing their stuff, although I'm not sure any of those three will make the team. Oh, and there's this TO fellow!

6. Shit, who care what else. It's finally football season again (although the preseason is its own kind of torture). I just hope the game isn't hopelessly boring.