I guess Ochocinco Could Be a WWE Nick Name

Guess who's appearing in an upcoming WWE event? If you guessed Ron Artest, you ain't even close.

That's right, Ochocinco will be making a guest appearance at the WWE's Monday Night Raw at US Bank Arena, according to the Cincinnati Enquirer. Says the WWE's website, "when Raw rolls into his home turf of Cincinnati, Ohio, Ochocinco will be on hand to soak up all the action." Couldn't have said it better myself.

As pro wrestling is by far the craziest "sport" in the country, this is major points for Chad against Ron Artest in the ongoing Dank Game insanity wars. After appearing in the cereal aisle in the grocery store I didn't think Chad could find crazier cohorts. But I hadn't thought of the WWE, home of such lunatics as the cast to the immediate left.

After thinking about pro wrestling for much longer than I ordinarily would, I started to wonder to what Chad would look like if he was a WWE Wrestler. I even planned on doing some Photoshopping for this post. Then I quite randomly stumbled upon this picture of a wrestler known as Big Daddy V. Question answered, Photoshop not required.:

Crazy Enough for Breakfast Cereal

I'm going to start off by saying, this is an actual product. Ochocinco has a breakfast cereal, naturally enough named "OchocincO's!

It will be available at the Newport, KY Kroger Marketplace Store and online according to Sports Business Digest. The cereal was manufactured by PLB Sports who apparently made a Terrell Owens themed breakfast cereal last year for the ever elusive Buffalo market.

This finally gives Ochocinco the edge he needs to get back into the Ron Artest insanity race. Artest's perfectly reasonable victory lap after finally earning an NBA title has given Chad ample time to make up ground. He may have started to do so with The Ultimate Catch and numerous nonsensical Batman references, but this may prove to be the coup d'etat.

How, you ask, can an endorsement deal make Chad crazier? Well, if this were a sports drink or a sneaker it simply couldn't. But this is breakfast cereal, where America's most insane creations meet to try and woo unsuspecting children to eat ever more sugary treats.

Let's take a quick look at Chad's company in the cereal aisle: Toucan Sam, Lucky the Leprechaun, Count Chocula, Captain Crunch, the Trix Rabbit, Snap, Crackle, Pop and Sunny the Cuckoo Bird (who is advertised specifically as being "co-co for Cocoa Puffs" mind you). And if you branch out to other breakfast foods you can throw in Mrs. Butterworth and Poppin' Fresh AKA the Pillsbury Doughboy. It's quite simply the most insane collection of characters ever assembled, and Ochocinco is now proudly part of it

Ron Artest, your days are numbered!

*as a final thought, do you like how instead of licensing the Bengals' jersey they just made a really shitty imitation.

**final final thought - does this put Chad in direct competition with Tony the Tiger as far as striped cereal mascots?

Ron Artest: Champion

I don't feel like taking the time to tell you why these post-game interviews are amazing. I'll just let Ron Ron do the talking.

Artest Pays Tribute to the NBA's Pioneer of Insanity

It's been a while since Ron Artest has done anything very crazy, but now he's back. For Sunday's game against the Magic, Ron Ron decided to pay tribute to an NBA legend who paved the way for him: Dennis Rodman. Recording artist Shin Shin, who is Ron's pal and business partner, suggested that he dye his hair Lakers' purple and gold. Of course, he thought it was a sweet idea and decided that he should use purple to write "Defense" in Japanese, Hebrew and Hindi.

To get the proper characters, Artest did what any American would do: consult Twitter.

Is there anyone in the NBA crazier than Artest?

As I read Teenage Mustache's most recent post mulling over potential NFL lunatics to replace the recently more sane Ochocinco, I began to wonder if I would have to find a replacement for Artest. Artest did mysteriously suffer a concussion after the Christmas day loss to Cleveland, and the story remains unclear. At first it was reported he tripped over a box and fell down some stairs, then instead of tripping over a box he was holding one, and then Artest claimed stairs had nothing to do with it and that it was "really the concrete." My guess is "the concrete" was an open hand slap from his wife. Apparently Artest said "I can't remember" fifteen times during a 10-minute halftime press conference regarding the concussion, so we'll probably never know what really went down. Other than this, Artest has been relatively subdued as of late. So I started to wonder who Artest's replacement might be if he continued to keep his nose clean throughout the season.

The first player that came to mind was Stephen Jackson AKA Captain Jack. Jackson was one of Artest's fellow Indiana Pacer teammates that joined him in the stands during the infamous brawl at the Palace of Auburn Hills, so he seemed a worthy candidate. In October of 2006, he continued to show signs of insanity as he fired several gunshots outside of a strip club in Indianapolis after having been punched and hit by a car.

Despite these promising signs of lunacy, Jackson hasn't made much noise since then. He did get this amazing tattoo of a pair of hands simultaneously praying and holding a handgun, which is pretty sweet. However, the meaning of the tattoo is that he prays his faith will keep him from ever having to fire a gun again... or something like that. So that doesn't really help me in finding a replacement for Artest.

This November, Jackson was traded to the Charlotte Bobcats where he seems to have found a new home. The Bobcats have been one of the better teams in 2010 with Jackson and first-time Charlotte Bobcat All-Star Gerald Wallace leading the team into the Eastern Conference playoff picture. Long story short, Jackson just isn't quite crazy enough... at least not anymore. Despite his controversy in the past, he also has a reputation around the league as an extremely genuine person and great teammate. This also doesn't help my cause.

Rasheed Wallace was another that came to mind, but he plays for the Celtics now so I can't even fuck with that.

Just when I thought I may have run out of maniacs to cover in the NBA, I decided to give Artest another chance and checked his Twitter account. Although I was hoping for something a bit more insane, it seems that Artest has continued to indulge in his fetish of organizing photo shoots with scantily clad women. His most recent photo shoot is with model Kim Lee, who I believe is the asian one on the far right. So I guess I'm sticking with Artest. He's bound to do something crazy again, right? If only Dennis Rodman would come out of retirement.

It's official: Ron Artest is crazier than Ochocinco

Finally, we have a winner. I'm sure the battle will still go on, but with the latest news about Ron Artest, you can now rest assured that Ron Ron is crazier than Ochocinco. In an interview with Sporting News Magazine, Artest said that he used to drink Hennessy at halftime while playing for the Bulls. Seriously. Now, I know Chad Ochocinco is pretty crazy, but with this news, he now just seems eccentric relative to Artest. Ochocinco is going to have to go to great lengths to catch up to Ron on this one. I'm talking crystal meth or PCP during halftime.

In the interview, Ron discussed other crazy shit he did in his past, like being a "single" pimp as a 19-year-old attending St. John's. I don't know why he specifies that he was a single pimp (hence the quotes), as I thought all pimps were single, unless you count their bottom bitch as a significant other.

The ball's back in your court, Mustache. I'll be astounded if you find a way to rebound from this one. By the way, what's up in the NFL?

Ron Artest Auto-Tuned

Artest likes to pop bottles and he wants you for a girlfriend. Oh, and he's lovin' your thong.

Advantage Artest

Alright, Mustache... so you think Ocho Cinco is crazier than Ron Artest, huh? Well if you ask me, Ocho has clearly gone down a couple of notches in Dank Game's Artest vs. Ocho Cinco Insanity Competition for breaking his promise of going all out for the NFL's hot pink breast cancer awareness promotion. I didn't see him sporting a pink chin strap or anything else unique from what other NFL players were wearing on Sunday. Is he afraid of a little fine all of a sudden? I thought he had money set aside for these things, 'stache? If Ocho ever did pull in the lead of Artest as Mustache claims, Ron Ron has upped the ante to reclaim his title of craziest professional athlete alive.

Artest recently did an interview for an article by Arash Markazi of Sports Illustrated and for no reason besides having fun, Artest hired 23-year old Turkish model Natalin Avci to do a sexy photo shoot with him after having met her in a hotel lobby. The photos apparently weren't supposed to run anywhere and were strictly for Ron's pleasure, but of course they've made their way to the internet.

Here are a couple of other excerpts from the article that help support my case that Artest is crazier than Ocho:

"Just weeks before the season he was on TV raising money for the Hasidic Jewish movement Chabad-Lubavitch, volunteering at an Iranian basketball camp, walking dogs at an animal shelter and taking some of his Twitter followers to a WNBA game, breakfast and bowling."

"'I signed for five years but I want to box, I want to fight a heavyweight fight in four years,' Artest said on more than one occasion. 'I started training already and I'm doing good and I think in four years I'll be ready to fight my first professional fight. I want to get four professional fights under my belt and see how I do and take it from there. That's been my goal for a long time. Whether I get knocked out or knock somebody out, I just want to fight.'"

Ok, I'll admit that some of that stuff isn't very crazy, but I am confident that Artest raising money for an Hasidic Jewish movement, claiming he wants to fight a heavyweight fight in four years despite being signed to a five-year contract, and paying for a photo shoot with a Turkish model simply for the fun of it clearly puts him ahead of Ocho Cinco once again... if he was ever behind in the first place. The ball is in your court, Mustache.

Ron Artest Sings that Song from Titantic

It's been a while since any new Ron Artest craziness has surfaced on the internet, so I was pretty excited to come across this hilarious video of Ron Ron singing my "Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion. I dare you to find Ochocinco doing something more bizarre than this, Teenage_Mustache.
I must admit, Chad buying earrings at Claire's in Kenwood Mall last week on Hard Knocks was pretty bizarre.

Chad Ochocinco

SlimMcLeastFavorite,

As requested, here is my post about the NFL's #1 raving lunatic, Chad 85.

Of course after listening to Artest's song, I may have to admit defeat before beginning. But if it's worth tracking Ron Ron's every move, it is at least nearly as entertaining following 85's.

As this is Dank Game's first Chad post, I'll get everyone caught up to speed. Born Chad Johnson, he is fairly well known for his touchdown celebrations (unfortunately he only had 4 TDs last year)! For several years he also has been keeping a list of all the cornerback's he'll be playing against in a season in his locker so he can brag about how badly he'll burn past them.

Because Cincinnati has blown so much since 2006 (and for the 15 years before 2005), Chad hasn't been in the national limelight as much as he'd like. Here's how he's compensated:

He legally changed his name to a bastardized Spanish version of his number. His new name is now Chad Javon Ochocino (Eightfive as a literal translation)! This stems from a joke jersey he made for a 2006 games during the NFL's "Spanish Heritage Month."This mimics George Costanza's ridiculous idea to name his future son after Mickey Mantle's number. What makes it plain sad is that he wanted a space between the numbers, but because his legal name doesn't have one, the NFL won't let him have one. And he had to wait an entire season to debut it on his jersey due to some BS merchandising rule.

He keeps talking about his TV show. I watched it once. He sits in front of his computer and more or less does nothing. He talks on the phone and sometimes answers questions from people watching. It is exactly like Stephon Marbury's 24 hour uStream marathon, except that this is basically never ending. If he didn't have to go to practice and occasionally spend time with his kids, he'd probably do it about 10+ hours everyday. You'd think he'd lose interest in it or something, but I guess the idea that anyone is watching this thing is feeding his ego.

He has a new catch phrase; "Child please." Real people don't have catch phrases, sitcom characters do.

He was planning on tweeting during games and halftime. The NFL told him he couldn't. I have a feeling he will anyway. Shouldn't the ongoing game weigh heavy enough on his mind?

He plans to change his list this year to to Defensive Coordinators instead of cornerbacks. I guess this is probably by far the least crazy thing I've mentioned.

Last one for now: He wants to race Usain Bolt. He thinks he can beat the world's fastest human in a 20 yard dash. He also said at one point that he wanted to swim against Phelps, but I think he has since dropped this challenge.

Ochocinco is pretty entertaining, but I think I have to admit he takes a backseat Artest. For now.

Ron Artest's "Michael Michael"

This is pretty old news, but since it came up in the radio interview from my previous post, here's an mp3 of Ron Artest's tribute to The King of Pop, "Michael Michael." I must say, the little guitar loop is actually pretty sweet, but the rest of the song sounds like some high school band that's really into O.A.R. According to the interview, Ron wanted the verses to sound messed up, so that people wouldn't like the song and that it would be a heartfelt message to Michael... or something like that. Apparently the song is huge in China.

I'm anxiously awaiting your rebuttal of why Chad Johnson is crazier than Ron Ron, Teenage_Mustache.

Ron Ron Update

Ron Artest is still being his crazy old self. He recently did a radio interview with 790 The Ticket in Miami while he was chilling in China with this homegirl Shin Shin. I must say, all of this hanging out with Shin Shin is starting to make me question his earnestness in giving a shout out to relationships. Anyhow, there was more than a few entertaining moments, most notably him talking about sneaking into the White House and rejecting Obama, who was going for a lay-up. He also gives his phone number away on air. Here are some transcripts from Sports Radio Interviews thanks to Tas Melas of The Basketball Jones.

On mimicking Shaq and showing up to the White House uninvited:

“I actually snuck in the White House one time. I seen Barack Obama playing basketball. I snuck in the back, and he tried to go up for a lay-up and I blocked his shot and ran out. And, Secret Service was trying to catch me and they couldn’t catch me. I promise you, they couldn’t catch me. (Host: You snuck in the White House and you blocked Obama’s shot?) Blocked Obama’s shot; fullcourt block, get it outta here (laughs).”

On trying to be more popular than Kobe Bryant and Yao Ming in China:

“I’m not trying to compete with them on that level but I’m definitely trying to reach out to the fans, and as you know, I gave my number to all the fans in China, a lot of people in China’s calling me. So, I’m definitely trying to do things different from other people. I get called at all times at night, people just calling my phone, calling for Shin Shin, and just wanna talk, and I answer the phone and talk. I can talk to anybody from someone in jail to just somebody, a nice kid who’s going to school. I spoke to a little 8-year-old kid the other day, he was so happy I answered the phone.”

On playing with the Lakers:

“The opportunity was unbelievable. I get a chance to play with Kobe, Michael Jordan’s my favorite player, Kobe’s probably the closest person to Michael Jordan, so I get to kind of relive that whole Chicago Bulls thing growing up, that was my favorite team. So, Phil Jackson, you got Kobe Bryant, you got myself at the three like Scottie Pippen, you have a clutch shooter in Derek Fisher like a Steve Kerr, you have Lamar Odom like a Toni Kukoc, it’s just fun, it’s a dream. I thank God so much to be in this situation, get a chance to win, playing with the defending champs, and I’m in LA ’cause you know I love the spotlight.”

Some quotes that amused me:

Ron is discussing how he was surprised by how metropolitan Beijing was, and that he was expecting something more like a Bruce Lee film. When the radio host asks if he was expecting to see temples, Artest replies, "I thought it was just temples and just people probably floating in the air on mats and things like that, y' know?"

When the radio host mentions that Shaq practiced martial arts while in China, Artest says something about Shaq Fu and how that's more of Shaq's thing. Although he does go on to say that, "[he] would like to be like a, y' know, like a panther ninja type of person. That would be kinda cool."

He also does a verse from a song he's written for the Lakers and champions in general aptly titled "Champions." Here's a sample of the verse:

I'm in the spotlight when they turn the lights down
Only a champ swing the hardest in the 12th round
I love the 4th quarter
I love the 9th inning
I love game 7
Bring on the competition
'Cuz in my heart can't nobody do it better
Can't slow me down, won't stop me never
I'm so Cassius Clay
I'm Tyson in his prime
You're little league with it
I'm Barry Bonds with mine

Considering the subject of my previous Artest update, I found it especially funny that he says he loves game 7.

Ron Artest's phone number is 832-361-0108

Listen to Ron Artest on 790 The Ticket in Miami

A Day in the Life of Starbury

Ok, I swear I have other stuff to talk about besides the two craziest players in the NBA. This has been pretty heavily covered all over the NBA blogosphere, but I'd feel like I was doing the world a great injustice if I were to make no attempt to spread the insanity of Stephon Marbury. If you haven't heard, Starbury took video of himself for an entire 24 hours last Saturday and Friday and streamed it on uStream.com, which now has an archive of videos from the marathon. I've yet to watch any of the video besides about a minute of the live stream in which he was just stretching and listening to some song featuring Lil Wayne (wait, isn't that every single song ever). Judging by the quotes on NBA Musings, there's gotta be some classic moments. I think most of them are in response to questions people were sending into him on uStream. I haven't even read through half of them and I already have a list of classics to entice you.

"My head is so big, my dreams are in Imax? That’s good! Let’s hear your jokes!"

"Chris Paul is the best point guard in the NBA right now. He moves silky like a snake. Chris Paul, he got power and he slither, he slither… he move real silky like a snake."

"I’m going to set up a foundation for the world. I’m gonna take the money and start building cities all over the world. I’m a comet. My man told me I’m a comet. I said 'I’m a comet?"

"Would you have sex with Oprah? What’s wrong with you? Jimmeny Christmas! Jeez Louise. Challenge yourself Daddy."

"Do I believe in aliens? I ain’t never seen one. I believe in Jesus though."

"No, I never sucked no wee-wee before. Next question."

"I love Akon. He takes care of his people."

Clearly a genius.

What Really Went Down at the Palace

Ron Artest is in Hong Kong working on some tracks with Filipino-Chinese singer, actress and model, Shin Shin. I guess the two of them decided to go hang out at an amusement park and Shin Shin was dying to know about the infamous 2004 brawl at the Palace of Auburn Hills. Wearing a sweet jelly fish shirt, Ron Ron was more than happy to share his side of the story, which was frequently interrupted by fans trying to get a picture with him. Damn, let the man finish telling Shin Shin his story! Artest posted the video as one of his Tru Warier Vlog entries.

Missing: Ron Ron's Passport

Ian Thomsen of Sports Illustrated: "Artest had planned a monthlong family vacation in the Bahamas after the season, but he had to cancel it because he couldn't find his passport. Instead he flew to L.A., checked into the trendy new SLS Hotel in Beverly Hills and spent late May and June telling the bellhops and desk clerks that he hoped to join the Lakers."

There's definitely some more pure gold moments of Artest being a maniac in the article, but that one stood out to me. Still not as good as this one, even if it is somewhat true.