Black Friday for the Black Mexican

First thing's first. Happy belated thanksgiving, Dank-Gamers. I'm sure you all said a word about being thankful for this truly amazing blog. Enough of that.

OK, so Ron Artest has come back strong in the past couple of weeks in the Ochocinco-Artest craziest athlete battle. Both have certainly been entertaining this season, but Chad's newfound maturity (not sure they'd call it that for any other players) has left him seeming a little sane.

So even if Ron Ron is looking to have a leg up in the competetion, I want to know how his "Black Friday" went.

Chad bought tons of stuff, according to his twitter account. He hit up Best Buy, Target, and even tweeted that he was going to fall asleep in Value City Furniture.

As a bonus, he took a picture of him trying on his new $5.00 Snuggie (that's right - The Blanket You Can Wear!) And yes, he apparently was still in the store when he first put it on.


No word yet on if he'll turn into a lazy, slobbering, obese loser like the 10% of Americans that already own Snuggies. But he probably will when all that McDonald's catches up to him.

B Jennings 55 point game

Brandon Jennings going off for 55 was incredible. If you
haven't seen it, you should watch it here, there's three parts: (
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUa7wf3cavg ). As the Bucks announcers
rightly point out, He played the two man game with Bogut to
perfection. Bogut was hitting tough screens, Jennings doesn't need
much space, good combo. Towards the end of the game he was taking
tougher shots when Bogut got into foul trouble, but it didn't matter
because he was still draining 3 pointers with a hand in his face (7/8
on the night).

I think Brandon Jennings is proof that college is not that
great for preparing players to be professionals. Playing in a real pro
league with a coach who would not let him have the keys to the offense
has helped his maturity. A college coach would have let him play his
game more, but he wouldn't have learned as much about how to play as
part of a team.

Despite that, his relationship with Scott Skiles will certainly
be strained as a scoring point guard. I do think his defense looked
pretty good at times, especially with the way he was playing the zone,
which will certainly help his cause with a defense coach like Scott
Skiles. You watch his footwork in the zone, at the 1:57 mark of the
second part of the you tube replay, and he played the ball well,
forced Ellis into a tough shot and picks up the defensive rebound; I'm
sure Scott Skiles was proud. Defensive rebounding is an indicator of
good defense and he is averaging 4.3 rebounds a game with 3.5 of
those on the defensive end. I don't think he would be doing that
without a coach like Scott Skiles to harp on him and he may not have
been as prepared to receive that without his experience with
Lottomatica Roma.

At first I thought Jennings looked like the next Iverson, but
his shooting percentage as a rookie is higher (though 12 games is a
small sample compared to the 76 on record for Iverson's rookie year).
Looking at his game, he's got some Rondo-like qualities. His
rebounding is very good for a point guard, much like Rondo. Rondo is
really efficient with his turnovers always being low, but Jennings is
more of a scorer, which will always lead to higher turnovers. I think
it bodes well for Jennings that there is no easy comparison, he will
make his own name.

Artest continues to distance himself from Ochocinco

Just when I thought Ron Ron had finally started to settle down, he went and tossed Trevor Ariza's shoe during a game. And now, he recently appeared on the "Jimmy Kimmel Live" show... in his undies. Ok, so they're pretty big, unrevealing shorts so it's not all that crazy, but still. Ochocinco looked pretty dapper when he did his Top Diez List on David Letterman. It's also worth noting that Ron has "Jimmy Kimmel Live" shaved into the back of his head. Also, he likes drum rolls and loves Hersheys.

Click here for part 2, when Ron discusses walking in on Kobe taking a shower, who's skin apparently emits steam.

Cincinnati - We always need more Johnsons!

2005 was a great year for the Bengals. I'm not talking about winning their division. I'm not even talking about going to the playoffs for the first time in over a decade.

I'm talking about the world's most fantastic collection of Johnsons!

Wide receiver Chad Johnson and running back Rudi Johnson were the star skill players of the offense. Rudi ran behind fullback Jeremi Johnson, and Chad practiced running short routes against linebacker Landon Johnson. It was a great time for Johnsons. It was a great time for Cincinnati.

2006 almost saw more of the same. The team even added backup QB Doug Johnson, increasing the number of Johnsons to five. But the magic was no longer there, and by the end of the season the team appeared impotent.

The Bengals bottomed out in 2008. Landon Johnson had left in free agency, Rudi was banished to the wastelands of Detroit, Jeremi was too fat, Doug disappeared or something, and Chad infamously changed his last name to Ochocinco. Needless to say, the team only won 4 games. Things had to change. Cincinnati needed more Johnsons.

Enter the 2009 Cincinnati Bengals. Jeremi regained his physique and rejoined the team. The Bengals signed defensive tackle "Tank" Johnson in free agency. And the team drafted defensive end Michael Johnson (nickname: Giraffe). Things were looking up, and the team went 7-2 to start the season.

But there was a problem. Coach Marvin Lewis and owner Mike Brown knew from 2005 that the magic number of Johnsons was four. They scanned the NFL far and wide for weeks, but could not find a suitable Johnson. Until last week.

Running back Larry Johnson finally pissed off Kansas City enough following his "fags" rant that they cut him from the team. Apparently in Kansas City, multiple accounts of violence against women is less offensive than saying fags a few times in a press conference, but that's another post. The point is, Larry Johnson was perfect for Cincinnati.

The team debuted their four Johnson attack this week in Oakland. The results were less than stellar, but the Johnsons looked OK. Actually, they looked pretty bad, with Jeremi losing a fumble, and Tank and Michael registering zero sacks. But only time will tell if this collection of Johnsons is as powerful as the 2005 variety. The experiment will be exciting.

So welcome to Cincinnati, Larry Johnson. Please stay away from our nightclubs and women.

Playoff Stretch Preview

I meant to post this before this weekend's crop of games, but oh well:

That's right folks. It's time to start talking about the NFL playoff picture. I've drawn up a neat little chart of how I think the post season will shake down, right up to the Saints-Bengals superbowl!
Seeding is really important to any sports postseason, and the NFL is no exception. I see the current top seeds of both conferences staying put. It's very hard to imagine the undefeated Saints and Colts not capturing the top spots. A one-loss Vikings team looks to have a lock on the second spot in the NFC, while a 7-2 Bengals should coast through the remaining easy schedule to nail down the number two spot in the AFC. Even after an unexpected Raiders loss, I still think the Bengals will win nearly all of their remaining games. These four teams will be rewarded with a first round bye.

In the AFC East, it's pretty clear that the Patriots will run away with the division. The race was even in the AFC West, but the Broncos are on a serious decline after an unthinkable 6-0 start, and the Chargers have slowly but surely gained momentum and taken control of the division.

The wild card spots are quite interesting in the AFC, however, with at least 5 teams in hot contention for the last two playoff spots. I've kept the Ravens and Steelers out of the playoff picture because they have two meetings left this season. So they'll probably beat each other out of the race, while a "little-engine-that-could" Dolphins team that has lost three of its starters but has gotten better, and a pretty good Texans team will sneak in. The Broncos and possibly the Jaguars will join the Steelers and Ravens as teams just barely missing the post-season in the AFC.

In the NFC, the Cardinals have practically already won the West notwithstanding an extreme last season comeback by the initially dominant 49ers. The East is usually the Division to beat in the NFC, but this year the top three teams look wobbly. I see Philly bouncing back to win the division, the Cowboys season crashing late, and the Giants reemerging with a late season playoff berth in the 6th spot. The Falcons possibly have the easiest path to a wildcard in the NFC, and I think they'll get the 5th spot over the Giants.

Outside of the Bengals and Saints taking it all the way to the Superbowl, the Chargers will win a few January games, as will the Eagles. The only other wins I forecast are divisional round victories by the Patriots and Giants.

So there you have it, Dank-Game.

Until this looks ridiculous in 3 weeks and I redo it.

What is beef?

Beef is when your crew starts shit with a 68-year-old sportscaster backstage on the "Jimmy Kimmel Live" show. According to the Los Angeles Times, 50 Cent's entourage was hostile towards Marv Albert, who was in town for the Lakers/Bulls game, as he arrived at the show.

"As Albert arrived, with an entourage of one, TNT public relations specialist Jeff Pomeroy, there was a sudden scuffle when a multitude of 50 Cent protectors seemed unfamiliar with Albert. There was shouting ("It's Marv Albert," yelled a Kimmel show guard, a pronouncement that seemed to have no effect on the 50 Cent phalanx.) There were obscenities. A fist or two flying. A 'Don't you put your hands on me' pronouncement.

And finally Albert made it to his waiting room, relatively unruffled but slightly puzzled. 'Did you see that?' Albert said. 'I thought they were kidding, but then I realized they weren't.'"

It's about time 50 Cent got past beefing with lightweights like Ja Rule, but I don't think 50 and his crew know quite what they're up against. Marv comes with it realer than real. He doesn't beef to make it on some documentary, he beefs for blood. Look out for the release of the fifth installment of the Beef documentary series, in which Marv Albert and his entourage of one bring the pain to 50 Cent and his entire wanksta crew. Word has it that Beef V will also include the legendary beef between LeBron/Jay-Z and DeShawn Stevenson/Soulja Boy.

Miami of Ohio Heat

The Heat have finally come back down to earth after an unexpected 6-1 start, but first I want to address something else: that dick Teenage Mustache spreading lies about me. In his recent Thunder vs. Heat Dank Game Showdown post, 'Stache claims that as a child I thought the Miami Heat were a local team based in Oxford, which is widely known as Miami of Ohio. While it was meant to be fun and games, more people than I'm comfortable with have taken 'Stache's silly joke seriously. So let me clear the air and make it known that I have always been aware that the Miami Heat were based in Miami, FL. I'm sure 'Stache is off in Newark, OH (pronounced "Nurk") cackling with satisfaction as he reads this. Now, back to the Miami of Ohio Hea... I mean... the Miami Heat... of Florida. I swear, I've known all along.

The Heat have dropped two straight back-to-back games, which seemed due to happen at some point. In the Dank Game Showdown between the Heat and Thunder, Oklahoma City's height was just too much for the Heat. Thabo Sefolosha has been gaining a reputation as a lockdown defender, and he looked the part guarding Dwyane Wade who couldn't seem to get a good look at the basket. Sefolosha's length pestered Wade, as Thabo kept Wade in check and at one point stripped the ball from him as he was driving which led to an easy fastbreak dunk. Another matchup in which height gave OKC the advantage was 6'9" Kevin Durant against 6'6" Quentin Richardson. I thought that coach Spoelstra should've utilized 6'9" Dorell Wright against Durant, who's played some good perimeter defense when given the chance. Dorell guarded LeBron better than anyone else on the Heat. With the young point guard showdown, Russell Westbrook picked up where he left off last season in murdering Mario Chalmers. Westbrook more or less finished the Heat off halfway through the 4th after hitting a deep three to put the Thunder up 87-72. The only bright spot was that Daequan Cook found his three-point stroke in the fourth quarter, almost making it a game. But of course, it was too little too late.

I only watched the second half of last night's game against the Hawks, so I don't have much insight on this one. With Udonis Haslem out and Beasley finding himself on the bench due to foul trouble, Shavlik Randolph (pictured above) played a lot more than I would've liked. By the way, I mainly just used that image because Shav (which I can only assume he likes to be called) has that certain white bread look that you can't find outside of Oxford's campus. Anyhow, Shav had yet to play a game this season and he looked pretty shook out there. Again, coach Spoelstra went with a lineup at the beginning of the fourth that made no sense to me. For some reason he saw it fit to throw Shav, Carlos Arroyo, Daequan Cook, James Jones, and Joel Anthony on the floor together. The Hawks' lead would go from 7 to 12 in a matter of minutes with this group. By the time Spoelstra put a real lineup on the floor, the Heat looked like they had already accepted a loss. This team really needs to get it together, as the past few games they haven't played with any urgency.

Also, I knew I would regret not putting the Hawks in the playoffs. Wishful thinking, I guess.