Funny Bengals Tweets - Lebron James Edition

Given the circumstances in Ohio and the chatter on Twitter I've decided to bring you a LeBron James/Cavaliers/Heat version of Funny Bengals Tweets.

Former offensive lineman Willie Anderson (WillAnderson79) joked:

• He's gon stay in Cleveland tomorrow night[.] I mean so he can Pack!
  
• My Bday is Sun. I was gon hold a hour long special to let everyone know of my decision of where I'm going.
• So Does Dwade have to watch Lebron throw powder in the air every game?
  

Former defensive tackle Shaun Smith (sjs91) chimed in:

• Everyone get over it[.] the state [o]f Ohio will never win the big games so good luck.

Defensive tackle Tank Jonson (TankJohnson99) is crazy:

• Does anyone know where Lebron went? I been on jupiter ice fishin 4 star fish! Just landed from jupiter international! #GreetinEarthlingz

Wide receiver and punt returner Quan Cosby had a good point:

• Not gonna get into this too much but LB just nailed that live interview! Answered every ? Perfect, only thing wrong was talkin 3rd person ha

Wide receiver Chad Ochocinco (OGOchoCinco, allowable only for this special edition) has a suggestion for the Heat:

• #perfect world Shaq comes back to the Heat also and Pat Riley signs me to come off the bench when football season ends, i'd average 15 pts

Former linebacker David Pollack (davidpollack47) lends me a sobering conclusion:

• What does LeBron owe Cleveland, I'm confused? He just gave Clev the best seven years of their franchise
• The Cleveland franchise is currently worth 100 million more than it was when LeBron got there.
  

Funny Bengals Tweets Vol. III

Back for round three, the 'Stache brings you the newest installment of his column that takes the least original thought!

Linebacker Rey Maualuga (Maualuga58) tweeted while driving (presumably he still has his 2003 Pontiac Sunfire), then bought himself a new computer:

• Traffic on the 71? I thought I left that in LA.
• What apps shud I download for my Ipad besides angry birds...
  

Defensive tackle Tank Johnson (TankJohnson99) finally saw Avatar, then hit up Las Vegas:

• Avatar F'n awesome *pause* need more Crown! Holy Shit I'm in Pandora
• Cmon son a Avatar sex scene how can I live on earth anymore! This shits wack
• G string wita tail #stopit
• I hate humans! Greed money hungry bastards!

• Attention Vegas! Im comin to town to take all ya doh! So if u have a problem w it better stop me at baggage claim! Cuz #imfeelinlucky
• Finna turn this 50 bucks into a few million! #trynstopme! Bet on black! And waitresses in short skirts please avoid my blackjack table thx
  

Linebacker Dhani Jones (DhaniJones) has body issues:

• I'm serious... What's up with everybody hating on chest hair... No razor, no clippers, no waxing, allow men to be men
  

Former offensive tackle Willie Anderson (WillAnderson79) offered up advice on meeting women:

• Guy just told me when he meets a woman he checks out her arms. Lol He said "Boobs, butt, eye lashes etc can be fake. Arms tell the truth ...
• Lol That's funny. My brother told me to check a woman's health history and her family's. I guess Women can and should do the same!

Rookie linebacker Roddrick Muckelroy (youngMuck38 - an awesome handle by the way) really enjoyed his dinner:

• first time really just eatting at Chipotle it was good i must say lol
  
• feel like a king an i just found my crown :)
  

Funny Bengals Tweets Vol. II

Welcome back to Funny Bengals Tweets - the column where I don't have to come up with any original material. Here's what current and former Bengals players are tweeting about.

Former Bengals OT Willie Anderson (WillAnderson79) had a fun family night at Medieval Nights:

• Medieval Times with my son and my guests
• Show blood! I paid a lot for these tickets
• My son is like "Dad you realize this is not real?" I said "Boy shut it. Its real to me!" Hater!
• I wanna live this way foreal! Fight for your food, money and you queen! lol

Former Bengals DL John Thornton had an observation about Shitsburgh, and gave some parenting advice:

• Pittsburgh nightclubs suck. All their bouncers have lil man syndrome
• Who names their kid Wellington? wtf
  

Linebacker Rey Muauluga took in some TV and some recreational sports:

• Watching 16 and Pregnant haha. I hope this show is fake. These girls are way too young
• Winton woods to play some frisbee golf [editor's note - this is probably only sweet if you're familiar with Cincinnati]
  

Wide receiver Andre Caldwell (caldwell87) offered some fashion advice and a possible idea for a start-up business:

• If you wear tall T's and extra big pants in 2010 you style is dead
• Are there any good car wash companies that come to the house?
  

Defensive end Antwan "He's Not Human" Odom (AntwanOdom98) is a fan of the OchoCinco News Network:

• @ocnnbreaking will soon be the leading news source on the planet

Offensive Lineman Evan Mathis (ergoism) expressed his loyalties:

• I pledge allegiance to the swag

Defensive tackle Tank Johnson (TankJohson99) had some thoughts about popular snack cakes:

• I bet little debbie aint so little!
  
• Little debbie is definitely Big Debrah now!
  

Until next time Dank-Gamers

Fatburger - Atlanta, GA

Slim, am I allowed to do a restaurant review for Dank Game? What if the restaurant were owned by former Bengal great Willie Anderson? Well I already wrote the article, so if you don't like it you can go to hell. Or just delete it.

As readers may know, I have taken on the task of following any Bengals players - current or former - that I can find on Twitter. It's a near thankless task, with only one write-up yielded so far, as well as some random thoughts from Chad Ochocinco.

Well, if you follow Willie Anderson (WillAnderson79), sooner or later he will start hawking Fatburgers. He owns several locations in Atlanta, GA and like any good business man will use free publicity, including Twitter. One bold claim stuck with me; "Best veggie burgers in Atlanta."

My curiosity piqued from this bold proclamation, I drove by a Fatburger earlier this evening with an empty belly. I was disappointed that a drive-through service was not available, but I made the trek from my Honda Civic to the restaurant's interior undeterred. One word comes to mind to describe said interior: humble.

After taking a quick look around, I looked at the relatively simple menu and decided to order the Veggie burger, as well as "fat" fries, which also come in a "skinny" variety. Giving my order to the cashier, I added a heartfelt "to go, please." However, I would have to wait 8-10 minutes for my food to be cooked.

I snooped around the restaurant looking for evidence of Anderson's ownership. Sure enough, there was a bulletin board with several letters addressed to him as well as a photograph. There were also many banners with vaguely clever sayings, including "Did man really climb his way to the top of the food chain to eat soy." Ironic that I was about to find out the answer to that very enigma.

I was handed my bag of freshly prepared food and exited the fine establishment. On the drive home I ate all the fries while driving with my left hand. Nothing special, but if you want french fries you won't be disappointed.

But then I arrived home. And when I shoved that first bite of Fatburger into my mouth I knew Willie wasn't lying. The rather large soy patty, loaded with cheese, onions, tomatoes, lettuce and a truly special sauce quite possibly is the best veggie burger in Atlanta. Willie really wouldn't lie about that!

If man is supposed to eat soy, this is what it should taste like.

Funny Bengals Tweets Vol. I

I left out Ochocinco (OGOchoCinco) since his Twitter account is basically a constant best-of-twitter. But here's the best of what the rest of the team has recently offered.

Tank Johnson (TankJohnson99) had the following to offer:

• Watching white folks eat fried chicken may be one of my most enjoyable things to do! Its like a 5 year old w a rubicks cube!
• The don't [know] where to start or when its all done lmao! My best friend is white so I'm NOT racist! Its just very funny!
• The dismay on they face makes it soooo funny! Do I bite it, use a fork, no a spoon, let's watch Tank.
• Let's not take this outta context we talkin bout chicken mane! Chic chic chicken mane! I challenge everyone to observe and report!
  

Former Bengals right tackle Willie Anderson (WillAnderson79) noted:

• BIGGE and SHAQ stater the BIG Man is In Campaign in the early 90's. They put us on the map! Lol BIG Men rule now! Lol
• Men should make up a holiday call "REAL MEN'S DAY" For all the REAL MEN Out here that do what their supposed to Do! Lol
• And Hell Yes we expect gifts! Lol

Linebacker Keith Rivers (rivers55) made the observations:

• everyone like pulp fiction but I guess not very many fans of hollywood shuffle*

*link added by me

Linebacker Dhani Jones (DhaniJones), referencing his "Dhani Tackles the Globe" show for the Travel Channel, suggested:

• Send me to space... How about a petition to send me to the moon or anywhere else for that matter
• "Dhani Tackles Space"

Former linebacker David Pollack (davidpollack47), watching the NCAA basketball tournament observed:

• Purdue vs Duke I can't say I'm looking forward to that to much. Alot of white men that can't jump on that floor
• White men can't jump was on TV today and man do I love that movie. I never watch the ending though bc it's way to depressing

Until next time, same Dank time, same Dank place