The Future of the Cincinnati Bengals

It's time to face the music. Unless the 2010 Cincinnati Bengals go on a massive winning streak, they won't be playing post-season football this year. At worst they can lose two more games and still play January football.

Also worth noting is the staggering number of impact players for the team who's futures are in jeopardy. Some players are simply entering their prime while closing out their rookie deals, like starting cornerbacks Leon Hall and Jonathan Joseph. Other players are mid-career pickups who owner/General Manager Mike Brown likes to low-ball into short performance-incentive-based contracts like CB "Pacman" Jones, WR Terrell Owens and most notably RB Cedric Benson.

In a third category are aging superstars with long term contracts nearing their ends. Bengals fans are probably familiar with WR Chad Ochocinco and QB Carson Palmer, who is owed something like $12 million next season.

Anyone familiar with how Mike Brown runs this team knows we aren't getting all of these players back. Either CB Hall or Joseph will likely be retained along with the far less expensive Pacman, but probably not both. Unless no one else is willing to pay him, on the strength of a good season T.O. is likely headed out of town. Chad is headed into a Club-option year in his contract and will either whine for a new contract, a trade or simply for the Bengals to not use the option and give him up to free agency. Regardless of how all these lower priority Bengals contracts pan out, the team will look much different next year than it does right now.

But the biggest difference will be at either quarterback or running back. With Benson not under contract at all beyond this season and Palmer owed more money than he is likely worth at this stage in his career, it seems extremely unlikely Mike Brown will pony up the cash to keep them both. But assuming he keeps one (he really could lose both), the other position will have to be addressed in the 2011 draft.

Enter Mike Brown first round draft pick speculation:

A New Dank Game Rivalry Is Upon Us...

And it features Dank Game's top two teams from the "Who We Rep" sidebar. I thought the Thunder/Heat Dank Game rivalry was going to be legendary, but it looks like the Wade/Lebron vs. T. Ocho rivalry could be even better. I find it funny that Chris Bosh is completely left out. Maybe Bosh could be included by getting Carson involved. I'm guessing he could ball, right? Hmmm, on second thought, maybe not so much. Perhaps hoops is more of Jordan Palmer's thing. Y'know, the more I think about it, I'm starting to think Jordan wouldn't be all that great either. I think the Palmer brothers are off the hook on this one. But maybe Marvin Lewis got game?

While I'm at it, here's a clip of T.O. throwing down an oop at Rucker Park followed by some guy appropriately named Miles High dunking on him.

Another [insert vulgarity] TV Show for Chad

Well Chad Ochocinco has another damn TV show. This is some sort of sports talk show he will co-host with teammate Terrell Owens. It's name?

The T.Ocho Show, of course!

Chad sort of describes it as being like ESPN's Pardon the Interruption, but "a lot more raw." Apparently so raw, the two also need an on-air mediator to keep things together.

According to an interview with Chad on FanHouse.com, the two will spend a half an hour a week discussing current sports topics (and probably totally random other stuff) on Versus. The show begins October 12th, but fans can get a sneak peak on September seventh on "The Daily Line." Oh that was yesterday? Well how about that, it's already on YouTube:



If you include two season of NFL football, in a 15 month span Chad has been on six different TV shows (Hard Knocks, 2009 NFL season, Dancing With the Stars, Ultimate Catch, 2010 NFL season & T.Ocho Show).

Honestly Chad, I love you and all, but there's definitely such a thing as spending too much time together.

In an unrelated story, Ron Artest still can't get his sorry ass TV show on the air.

Funny Bengals Tweets - Training Camp Edition

Twitter would indicate that the Bengals are enjoying training camp in Georgetown, KY. Although we don't have Hard Knocks in G-Town this year, the proof is in the funny tweets:

Defensive tackle Tank Johnson (TankJohnson99) finds Georgetown, Kentucky amusing, but training camp exhausting:

• Saw a chick wit one tooth and a tongue ring in long john silver today! Justa clickin that thang against dat 1 tooth! #ahhgeorgetown so funny
• Seriously considering driving from dorms to meetings! Its a 45 second walk and a 1 min drive!
  

Punt Returner Quan Cosby (Cosby12) is a man who doesn't mind having his sleep interrupted and likes crappy game shows:

• Oh and I forgot to thank NFL drug testing for costing me an hr and a half of sleep this morning. God bless u! Haha
• I dont think I can be beaten in family feud! I don't watch it very much but skills stay on point! Mind is a terrible thing to waste!
  

Cornerback Rico Murray (Mr513RicoMurray) has an opinion about teammate Chad Ochocinco and about the hardest working man in Georgetown:

• The only thing that can't be stopped is that man's [Ochocinco's] mouth...
• The most memorable person in Georgetown. the little Caesar guy who dances all day long..I thought my job was hard
  

New wide receiver Terrell Owens (terrellowens) also had an anecdote about Chad:

• Chad is n his room playing FIFA by himself b/c no1 will play with him! Lol.

Chad (OGOchoCinco) got everyone back though:

• Just finished my weight workout early as hell, no meetings till 10:15, i should wake players up in their dorm rooms with the blow horn
• My vuvuzela came in handy early this morning, im sure i woke some folks up screaming gooolll and blowing my vuvuzela.

Linebacker Rey Maualuga (maualuga58) wishes for one night he could be somewhere else:

• Wish I was going to the Rascall Flatts concert 2morrow. My favorite country band. #dontjudgeme

Rookie cornerback Brandon Ghee (BGhee) is growing up and giving culinary advice:

• Chillin wit @GenoStacks [rookie defensive tackle Geno Atkins].....you know your getting old when you start arguing about taxes...ha ha
• Bout to eat some chipotle. If you don't like chipotle it's something wrong with you

With training camp wrapped up, that's all the funny Bengals tweets for now.

HOF Game Heroes and Villians

Hey, it's Dank Game's 400th post, right as football season is upon us! As we just celebrated our 1 year anniversary, I won't make a big deal about our latest milestone. But I think we'll have to do something for 500 posts, a la Eddie in Time Square, but better.

Anyway, I have to say the Hall of Fame Game last night could have put me in a better mood. It's still preseason and many starters barely played, but the team didn't truly look ready. In Coach Marvin Lewis' defense, the first preseason game usually comes after another full week of training camp. But either way, much needs to be worked on.

So let's get started with HOF Game Villians:

1. QBs J.T. O'Sullivan and Jordan Palmer - what was that? Those interceptions were pitiful. I realize that most NFL teams don't truly have a viable backup quarterback, but we have some of the worst. We're going to have a lot of problems should Carson go down to injury for any stretch. Which brings me to number two.

2. The Offensive Line (that's like 14 players) - As many feared, the Bengals pass protection looked unstable. None of the Bengals quarterbacks had much time to get the ball downfield, so I'll forgive a little bit of sloppy play from Carson and company. This unit is the biggest question mark on the team in my opinion, and I'm not encouraged by what I saw last night.

3. Tight End Daniel Coats - Every time Coats suits up in a Bengals uniform a little piece of my soul dies. Pray no other tight ends get hurt so he doesn't make the roster.

4. Cornerback Adam Jones (24) - He really didn't have that bad of a game, but he isn't quite ready to go against number one WRs again. Having been out of football for over a year, I think he'll be more ready to go by when the season starts. Won't it be nice when both Leon Hall and Jonathan Joseph start though?

Lost in the Reality Shuffle

I wanted to post something about the Bengals today, given that preseason starts in mere hours. But I kind of ran the gamut on current Bengals stuff to talk about in my last few posts (minus Roseanne Barr National Anthem). But in the spirit of Who Dey, I will talk about Dhani Jones.

Dhani is the only Bengals player I've actually talked to, and it's no surprise why he was the first Bengal with his own reality show, Dhani Tackles the Globe. Jones is entertaining and engaging, and his show is actually considerably more watchable than either TO's or Chad's (including Dancing With the Stars).

OK, so I've only seen part of one episode a year ago. But I got the gist of it; Dhani goes to some non-US part of the world and learns and competes at a local sport. Usually it is something rough, like rugby or sumo wrestling or something. This description really does the show no justice, but I assure you once again that it is much better than the TO Show or Ultimate Catch.

For some reason, when Bengals reality TV shows are mentioned since the TO signing, which is frequently, DTtG rarely gets mentioned. And it's a shame, because it's totally the best one. I guess folks like VH1 better than the Travel Channel.

Anyway, the season starts in a couple of hours, so we can forget about the reality shows now. Yeah!

7 Reasons the Bengals Will Win the Superbowl This Year

For serious this time!

This is as good a Bengals team as Mike Brown has ever put together in twenty years (20!!!) of being owner/general manager. If they don't get it done this year, they simply might never win the big one in Big Mikey's lifetime. And given the uncertainty of the salary cap and labor agreement beyond the current season, it's always possible the NFL turns into an MLB-style major market hell hole. No way will the Bengals compete for a championship in that environment - more likely they'd turn (back) into football's version of the Orioles/Pirates.

But cheer up, because this is the year Cincinnati gets it done. And here's why, in order:

1. Defensive Coordinator Mike Zimmer - How in the hell did we get this guy? A successful defensive coordinator in Dallas for over a decade, Zimmer got stuck in the implosion that was the post-Bad Newz Kennelz Atlanta Falcons. Cincinnati almost literally pulled a phoenix out of the ashes, and in two seasons Coach Zim turned one of the least respected units in football into the number four overall defense. Even more amazing, Mike Brown was actually able to re-sign him this offseason. There are whispers that Zimmer secretly holds the heir to the head coaching throne, as Marvin Lewis is not yet under contract beyond this season. The only (realistic) arrangement where I wouldn't be totally pissed if the Bengals lost Lewis is if they were to hand it over to Zimmer. Despite a schedule against most of the best offenses of last season, I still believe the Bengals defense will repeat their top five performance, and Zimmer is why.

2. Starting cornerbacks Jonathan Joseph and Leon Hall - These are the guys that allow the "Z-fence" to work. They are simply the best pair of cornerbacks in the NFL. Nobody is going to pass all over these two. 'Nuff said.

3. Running Backs Cedric Benson, Bernard Scott and Brian Leonard - With the TO signing and the Gresham and Shipley draft picks people aren't talking much about the Bengals running backs - but they should be. The trio is quite possible to best in the NFL, each offering a unique talent. Benson hit the mythical 100 yard mark in six games last season, adding a 100+ game in the postseason. Scott always seems ready to break off a run for a few dozen yards, and many whispers are coming out of camp that he is primed for a break through season. If he were to improve on his outstanding rookie season to the point where he "broke through" beyond that, we'd really be talking about a game changing player (I have to admit, I'm a big Scott fan). And then there's the White Weapon, Leonard, who simply wills the team to win.

4. Terrell Owens - He will not single-handedly improve the offense, but just him wanting to come here is a sign that this is a new era in Bengals football. The onus of the '90s is finally starting to disappear, and some people realize that the Bengals are no longer perpetually bad. At worst Owens is a slight upgrade over L. "I'm-not-even-going-to-try" Coles being that he is much bigger and taller. At best he is explosive enough to replace TJ Houshmandzadeh and Chris Henry, depending on where he lines up. TO will likely not lead the team in catches or yards, but his presence will allow multiple other players to have career years.

5. Jermaine Gresham - If Gresham is half of what he's advertised to be, third down will never be a problem for the Bengals. He's 6'-5" and quick as hell. But he's also quite strong, and unlike fellow tight end Chase Coffman has more natural potential to block. Given that Coffman is said to have made mighty strides in the offseason and with Reggie Kelly back healthy, the Bengals are suddenly somewhat strong at TE. But Gresham is the cream of the crop, and is expected to have an enormous impact even as a rookie.

6. Carson Palmer - Did everyone forget about our quarterback, the Heisman winning number one overall pick of the 2003 draft? Well, he's still good, if not fantastic. In the fantasy football era, people base quality of play on putting up video game numbers. Well, yes, Palmer has become more of a first-rate game manager than game changing canon-armed hot shot who had the entire team's success on his shoulder. But he won this team games when it really counted last year, and a much better offense is in place now. Even if he doesn't throw for 4,000+ yards, Palmer will win games for this team in 2010. Reports out of training camp are fairly good, and supposedly his full arm strength has finally returned after his 2008 elbow injury.

7. 2010 - It's the Year of the Tiger. It's in the fuckin' stars! Get excited people!

Still No Word on Artest's Reality Show

While Teenage Neckbeard is busy wasting his time watching T.O. and Ochocinco's boring reality shows (I haven't actually watched either of them) news is still slow on Ron Ron's much anticipated and aptly titled reality show of his own, "They Call Me Crazy." It was announced around the beginning of April that Dank Game's poster child for insanity would be getting his own reality show, but not much else has cropped up regarding the show's format or debut. I can pretty much guarantee that it will be the greatest reality television ever, if not the greatest television ever. To keep your interest piqued, here's a new video of Ron Artest interviewing himself for ESPN The Magazine.

May I just say that Ron and Ron's chemistry in this interview is simply off the charts. He's so charming as both an interviewer and interviewee, although Ron Ron the interviewer seems a bit mystified by Ron Ron the interviewee's desire to go ice skating on Pluto. I don't really understand why. Who wouldn't want to ice skate on Pluto? However, Ron Ron the interviewer seems very engaged on all of the other topics which include Ron Ron the interviewee's love of Titantic and Celine Dion and his convoluted reasoning for selecting 37 as his jersey number. Lastly, I'd also like to point out Ron's beautiful new hairstyle and the fact that he minored in architecture at St. John's. I think it's safe to say that Ron is the only man alive who's minored in architecture while simultaneously supporting his college education as a pimp.

TO Show vs Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch

As if Hard Knocks, Dancing with the Stars and Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch weren't enough! In the wake of the TO signing, Bengals fans are stuck with another reality show, The T.O. Show.

Of course, the good folks at VH1.com stream full episodes (complete with even more ads for Dinner For Schmucks - seriously, this looks terrible). I felt it was due diligence to watch at least one episode. I also watch highlights from Ultimate Catch episode 2 so as to make the fairest possible comparison.

The T.O. Show:

In episode 103, Terrell goes to Manhattan for Fashion Week with one or his two assistants (the hot one; the other one is very pregnant). They have a serious of misadventures, first the assistant getting, then being booted from the larger hotel room. They then go to a fashion show where both were supposed to sit front row, but the assistant ends up losing her seat. Finally Terrell gets asked to model something on the runway later, so their plans for the rest of the day are canceled.

As the assistant was really looking forward to the trip, she is upset she keeps getting the short end of the stick. But in the end TO makes it up to her by hiring a helicopter tour of the city for the two. What a sweetheart.

It's pretty obvious that the situations are rigged and that the assistant is almost certainly an actress. It is marginally humorous though.

Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch

In episode 102, the Ocho goes on his first two elimination round dates. Three of the four girls on these two dates are either insane or incredibly stupid or both. The funniest girl is the slightly larger black girl, who is subjected to a Ustream'd dinner date where Chad's fans informed him that despite the attractiveness of the other girl, she was a total bitch. Chad picked the funny "fat" girl.

The other date featured a girl who was supposedly funny against a born-again virgin. The "funny girl" actually promised in the elimination that she would "get down" with Chad. I'll give you one guess who Chad picked.

Conclusion:

I can't recommend either of these shows. To anyone. But if you're into Blind Date type shows and think Ochocinco is funny, I guess you'd like Ultimate Catch. And if you like really bad sitcoms, you'd probably like The T.O. Show better. I'll give the edge to The T.O. Show, because I found it much easier to sit through the whole thing (and I only watched highlights of Ultimate Catch).

When the fuck is Artest's reality show coming out?

NFL's Biggest Collection of Jackasses?

Well, the Bengals done signed Terrell Owens. Owens doesn't have the best reputation as a teammate, though Mike Brown thought highly enough to make him a last minute addition to the team. And Cincinnati might now have the most jackass-filled roster in pro football, although it should be noted that the presence of Roethlisberger alone puts Pittsburgh way up there. On the bright side, they could very well join other jackass filled teams in Lombardi trophy history (1970's Steelers and Raiders, I'm looking at you).

So I'm taking a look at all the guys on the roster who seem like assholes. This isn't about arrests (Leon Hall is not on the list in spite of a DUI arrest last offseason for example), but I'm factoring some in.

Asshole index:

Adam Jones (CB) - HIGH - He has missed two entire seasons of football in a five year career because of off-the-field incidents - no, catastrophes. I'm honestly surprised he wasn't suspended for life. His most recent team, Dallas, hired around the clock security to keep him out of trouble and he ended up getting in a fight with a bodyguard. If he hadn't said and done all the right things since coming to Cincinnati (after sitting out last year and probably going broke making it rain too many times) I'd make a special category that only he and Ben Roethlisberger could fill.

Terrell Owens (WR) - HIGH - has called out the following teammates in public: Jeff Garcia (49ers), Donovan McNabb (Eagles) and Tony Romo (Cowboys). He has also claimed to have intentionally dropped passes when his team didn't include him enough in the game plan. He did however play nice in Buffalo last season.

The Ultimate Catch Episode 101 Review

The wait is over - VH1's Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch debuted last night with 85 women meeting Chad in Pasadena, California's Rose Bowl.

Of course the 85 women thing was clearly just a play on his name/number, as he was eliminating women within minutes of seeing them for the first time. In all, he cut 68 girls over the course of an afternoon. As ridiculous as this "dating mini-camp" was, it is still a relatively fresh idea in the overcrowded genre of dating shows. Events at the mini-camp included trash talking, touchdown dances and hugging pads with pictures of Ochocinco on them.

The seventeen survivors were invited to a soiree at an LA mansion where Chad, Vikings receiver Bernard Berrian and free agent wide receiver Terrell Owens entertained the lucky ladies. Bernard let the ladies do the talking, of course discovering that some of these women are certifiably insane. TO kept trying to get the ladies numbers for himself, trying to find out if any of them weren't truly there for Chad. At the end of the night the three discussed the positives and negatives of the seventeen ladies, setting up the cliffhanger for next week. Chad will immediately cut one of the ladies and proceed to rank the other sixteen setting up an NCAA March Madness style bracket.

Ultimately, this show was quite bad. Hopefully I've given you enough of a description that you won't feel the need to watch it yourself, although you can on VH1's website. You might have to watch several soap and Starburst commercials, as well as spots for "Dinner for Schmucks" which likely only schmucks will enjoy. Overall I did like the show more than "Dancing With the Stars" if for no other reason than there were neither cranky British judges or that douche from America's Funniest Home Videos that isn't Bob Saget.

Finally The Ocho Does Something Else Dank Game Worthy

At long last! The king of the NFL circus returns with something interesting. In this case it's not particularly interesting, but it did allow me to do some ridiculous Photoshopping, so I won't complain.

As I noted in an earlier post, Chad Ochocinco has been lobbying his team to get pending free agent wide receiver Terrell Owens to Cincinnati next season. This went as far as TO "promising" to change his name to Ocho Uno if he winds up a Bengal since he wears number 81. It sounded like mostly a joke, so the story pretty much left the minds of the media.

But perhaps you're forgetting that now that he has a Twitter account, Ochocinco thinks he is a member of the media as the OCNN. And he was not going to let the issue die, as much as the Bengals front office probably wishes it would.

And then ESPN NFL insider Adam Schefter entered the ring with his own Twitter account. Schefter tweeted that "OCNN missed on T.O. to Bengals. Not Happening. Hey, get in line, Ocho. It has happened to all of us." Schefter was probably kind in actually implying OCNN was a media network and not a way for a player to try to force his hand, but the Ocho considered it a slam nonetheless.

So naturally he responded via a tweet. Directed at Schefter, Ocho believes the two "can settle this all ESPN analyst to all OCNN analyst in PAINTBALL WAR." The image featured depicts what I believe this would look like.

His arms probably wouldn't be white, but I got a little lazy about it. The ridiculous looking helmet was part of the original image.

So close to Kentucky

So that's it! That's what's wrong with the Bengal's front office. With the rolling hills of Kentucky so close to Paul Brown Stadium - literally right across the Ohio River PBS is so proudly perched - they must have given into temptation.

Mike Brown & co. has been drinking the moonshine.

How else can you explain yesterday's signing of Wide Receiver Matt Jones, memorably nicknamed "Moonshine" by ProFootballTalk.com's Mike Florio? Are they sitting around drunk on power and moonshine, joking that it would be funny to have a player named moonshine?

Furthermore, this explains why they have recently worked out cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones. Perhaps they have an old Pacman machine in the bowels of the stadium that they play after downing their sweet Kentucky swill?

It also could have a lot to do with their supposed interest in former Browns wide receiver Dante Stallworth. What do these three men have in common by the way? All three did not play football in 2009 due to legal ramifications!

On the more serious now (but not totally serious), Mike Brown's tendency to find talent in the NFL's scrap heap has been well documented. Is he just goofing now, showing interest in some of the NFL's biggest fuck ups? Pacman played college ball at West Virginia with our dearly departed Chris Henry. He is often credited as the guy that taught Slim how to get arrested.

Donte Stallworth isn't nearly as big a dumbass as Pacman, but he simply isn't that great of a receiver. And he DUI killed a guy in 2009. Just stay away, it's amazing he's even out of jail already.

Matt Jones actually might not be the worst idea ever. I think TO might be a better fit, but he comes with a much larger price tag ($6 million for one season last year in Buffalo). Dude is 6' 6" and pretty quick. Although he never lived up to his potential in Jacksonville, pairing him with Ochocinco is an interesting line up, and could very well open up the passing game.

So let's just hope that whatever sociopaths Mike Brown signs this offseason limit the Bengals' arrests to hopefully just that unfortunate Maualuga DUI.

Can't think of a pun with T.O. in it

Straight from Superbowl week in Miami (Chad Ochocinco's home town): Jay Glazer reported via a tweet that Ochocinco believes that Terrel Owens might be headed to Cincinnati for the 2010 season.

TO was once a top five receiver, but is now in the twillight of his career. He played on a one year deal last season in Buffalo putting up mediocre numbers for the first time since his rookie season. Then again, his quarterbacks were Trent Edwards and Ryan "Crazylegs" Fitzpatrick, so that may have been part of the problem.

This is not the first time Ochocinco has linked himself with TO. In 2008, when Chad was trying to get himself traded out of Cincinnati, he suggested going to Dallas, then TO's team. I don't feel like looking up the exact quote, but he implied that it would be extremely entertaining.

However, a trade to Dallas never looked likely. The Bengals simply weren't willing to trade Chad, and I doubt the Cowboys were interested. This time around, the move seems much much more plausible. The Ocho went as far as to say that "he's sure of it," according to Glazer. Chad even posted a picture of himself and TO in Miami on his Twitter account.

As I wrote a few weeks ago, the Bengals need another solid threat at wide receiver. Although I didn't consider TO at the time, he is still a serviceable WR, especially paired with 85. The biggest drawback is TO's reputation of being a poison in the locker room. However, no serious reports came out of Buffalo depicting him in the negative. Also, it's impossible to believe that Bengals owner Mike Brown would worry about this anyway.

So we may just get Terrell Owens in stripes next season. Take if for what it's worth.

Update:

Chad tweeted this morning, directed at Owens, "bruh pack yo bags and head to cincy damit, see you in training camp, one goal in mind superbowl."