Quarterbacking the 2011 Cincinnati Bengals

For obvious reasons, the 2011 Cincinnati Bengals will scantly resemble the 2010 or 2009 Queen City Tigers. For starters, in all likelihood the team will be coached by a man who's name isn't Marvin Lewis for the first time since 2002.

At this point not retaining Lewis is really more of a business decision for owner Mike Brown, suddenly struggling to sell tickets for the first time since the Dick LeBeau era. They have a head-coach-in-waiting in defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer however, and there remains a slim chance Marvin will actually be retained. Outside of these two options only meager speculations exist, which perhaps I'll write a future post about.

What's more fun is the guessing game that is Bengals quarterbacks of the future. Let's review some candidates:

1. Carson Palmer - Carson is due something like $12 million next year, so on the surface it would be a good time for Mike Brown to rid himself of that albatross of a contract. However, even if the Bengals take a rookie QB in the draft, it will still be most sensible to keep Palmer around as the starter for at least a little while. And who knows, having an up and coming fresh QB behind Palmer (i.e. not his younger brother) might even make him better.


2. Trades/Free Agents - Slightly troubled Titans QB Vince Young and either Eagles QBs Kevin Kolb or Mike Vick might very well be available in free agency or trade next season. Redskins QB Donovan McNabb could also be on the outs after only one season in Washington. It's not really Mike Brown's style to actually go after one of these guys, but the possibility is certainly there. The Bengals were the only club besides Philadelphia to offer Vick a contract upon his release from federal prison.


3. The Draft: There are several good, or at least intriguing, college quarterbacks likely entering the draft this year. With the Bengals choosing high in each round, they are likely to be able to land a decent one even in the second round. Stanford's Andrew Luck is widely regarded as the top of the heap. Auburn's Cameron Newton, Washington's Jake Locker and Arkansas's Ryan Mallett are other strong contenders.

The biggest key to any of these candidates succeeding is probably solid offensive coaching and a good offensive line. Cincinnati has neither in Offensive Coordinator Bob Bratkowski, or their mediocre line. Bratkowski should have been replaced years ago, but remains safe for unknown reasons. Right Tackle Andre Smith was supposed to shore up the latter problem, but he can't stay healthy. The Bengals would probably be better off getting a top flight offensive lineman as opposed to a QB, but this franchise is not known for sound decision making.

Hell, who knows. Maybe Jordan Palmer will be their starting QB next year.

The Future of the Cincinnati Bengals

It's time to face the music. Unless the 2010 Cincinnati Bengals go on a massive winning streak, they won't be playing post-season football this year. At worst they can lose two more games and still play January football.

Also worth noting is the staggering number of impact players for the team who's futures are in jeopardy. Some players are simply entering their prime while closing out their rookie deals, like starting cornerbacks Leon Hall and Jonathan Joseph. Other players are mid-career pickups who owner/General Manager Mike Brown likes to low-ball into short performance-incentive-based contracts like CB "Pacman" Jones, WR Terrell Owens and most notably RB Cedric Benson.

In a third category are aging superstars with long term contracts nearing their ends. Bengals fans are probably familiar with WR Chad Ochocinco and QB Carson Palmer, who is owed something like $12 million next season.

Anyone familiar with how Mike Brown runs this team knows we aren't getting all of these players back. Either CB Hall or Joseph will likely be retained along with the far less expensive Pacman, but probably not both. Unless no one else is willing to pay him, on the strength of a good season T.O. is likely headed out of town. Chad is headed into a Club-option year in his contract and will either whine for a new contract, a trade or simply for the Bengals to not use the option and give him up to free agency. Regardless of how all these lower priority Bengals contracts pan out, the team will look much different next year than it does right now.

But the biggest difference will be at either quarterback or running back. With Benson not under contract at all beyond this season and Palmer owed more money than he is likely worth at this stage in his career, it seems extremely unlikely Mike Brown will pony up the cash to keep them both. But assuming he keeps one (he really could lose both), the other position will have to be addressed in the 2011 draft.

Enter Mike Brown first round draft pick speculation:

2010 Bengals - An Alternative History

When Michael Vick was released from prison in 2009, only two teams supposedly offered him a contract. The Eagles, who signed him for two years, then started the third quarterback on their roster, Kevin Kolb, while franchise quarterback Donovan McNabb was hurt, then trading McNabb, handing the starting job to Kolb only to see him lose it to Vick.

The other team was the Bengals, and right now I sadly wish we actually had Vick. Vick would have meant that last season when Carson hurt his thumb, it wouldn't have been necessary for him to play while hurt down the stretch when a playoff berth was all but guaranteed. Furthermore, the dual rushing threat of Vick and Benson (and Leonard and Scott, really) would have been fascinating.

This season, I would just love to have a decent backup to light a fire under Carson Palmer's ass. He obviously will never get benched for his brother, and post-training camp pickup Dan LeFevour is obviously a development project at best. In these games where Palmer is throwing multiple interceptions or losing multiple fumbles, wouldn't it be nice to see Vick coming in?

Having Vick would have also meant a somewhat different draft philosophy. The Bengals wouldn't have needed Jermaine Gresham with a scrambling QB, as that inside option is typically a dump off for quarterbacks who can't run for first downs. Cincinnati could have possibly targeted an offensive lineman in the first round (which they really, really need). I've grown to like Gresham after initially thinking it was a wasted draft pick, but a dominate O-lineman (like Andre Smith was supposed to be) is a bigger need right now.

Maybe the Bengals can pick up Vick in free agency next season while they continue to develop LeFevour. Paying Carson $11.5 million next season is starting to seem foolish, while Vick is playing better than ever when he isn't hurt.

A New Dank Game Rivalry Is Upon Us...

And it features Dank Game's top two teams from the "Who We Rep" sidebar. I thought the Thunder/Heat Dank Game rivalry was going to be legendary, but it looks like the Wade/Lebron vs. T. Ocho rivalry could be even better. I find it funny that Chris Bosh is completely left out. Maybe Bosh could be included by getting Carson involved. I'm guessing he could ball, right? Hmmm, on second thought, maybe not so much. Perhaps hoops is more of Jordan Palmer's thing. Y'know, the more I think about it, I'm starting to think Jordan wouldn't be all that great either. I think the Palmer brothers are off the hook on this one. But maybe Marvin Lewis got game?

While I'm at it, here's a clip of T.O. throwing down an oop at Rucker Park followed by some guy appropriately named Miles High dunking on him.

7 Reasons the Bengals Will Win the Superbowl This Year

For serious this time!

This is as good a Bengals team as Mike Brown has ever put together in twenty years (20!!!) of being owner/general manager. If they don't get it done this year, they simply might never win the big one in Big Mikey's lifetime. And given the uncertainty of the salary cap and labor agreement beyond the current season, it's always possible the NFL turns into an MLB-style major market hell hole. No way will the Bengals compete for a championship in that environment - more likely they'd turn (back) into football's version of the Orioles/Pirates.

But cheer up, because this is the year Cincinnati gets it done. And here's why, in order:

1. Defensive Coordinator Mike Zimmer - How in the hell did we get this guy? A successful defensive coordinator in Dallas for over a decade, Zimmer got stuck in the implosion that was the post-Bad Newz Kennelz Atlanta Falcons. Cincinnati almost literally pulled a phoenix out of the ashes, and in two seasons Coach Zim turned one of the least respected units in football into the number four overall defense. Even more amazing, Mike Brown was actually able to re-sign him this offseason. There are whispers that Zimmer secretly holds the heir to the head coaching throne, as Marvin Lewis is not yet under contract beyond this season. The only (realistic) arrangement where I wouldn't be totally pissed if the Bengals lost Lewis is if they were to hand it over to Zimmer. Despite a schedule against most of the best offenses of last season, I still believe the Bengals defense will repeat their top five performance, and Zimmer is why.

2. Starting cornerbacks Jonathan Joseph and Leon Hall - These are the guys that allow the "Z-fence" to work. They are simply the best pair of cornerbacks in the NFL. Nobody is going to pass all over these two. 'Nuff said.

3. Running Backs Cedric Benson, Bernard Scott and Brian Leonard - With the TO signing and the Gresham and Shipley draft picks people aren't talking much about the Bengals running backs - but they should be. The trio is quite possible to best in the NFL, each offering a unique talent. Benson hit the mythical 100 yard mark in six games last season, adding a 100+ game in the postseason. Scott always seems ready to break off a run for a few dozen yards, and many whispers are coming out of camp that he is primed for a break through season. If he were to improve on his outstanding rookie season to the point where he "broke through" beyond that, we'd really be talking about a game changing player (I have to admit, I'm a big Scott fan). And then there's the White Weapon, Leonard, who simply wills the team to win.

4. Terrell Owens - He will not single-handedly improve the offense, but just him wanting to come here is a sign that this is a new era in Bengals football. The onus of the '90s is finally starting to disappear, and some people realize that the Bengals are no longer perpetually bad. At worst Owens is a slight upgrade over L. "I'm-not-even-going-to-try" Coles being that he is much bigger and taller. At best he is explosive enough to replace TJ Houshmandzadeh and Chris Henry, depending on where he lines up. TO will likely not lead the team in catches or yards, but his presence will allow multiple other players to have career years.

5. Jermaine Gresham - If Gresham is half of what he's advertised to be, third down will never be a problem for the Bengals. He's 6'-5" and quick as hell. But he's also quite strong, and unlike fellow tight end Chase Coffman has more natural potential to block. Given that Coffman is said to have made mighty strides in the offseason and with Reggie Kelly back healthy, the Bengals are suddenly somewhat strong at TE. But Gresham is the cream of the crop, and is expected to have an enormous impact even as a rookie.

6. Carson Palmer - Did everyone forget about our quarterback, the Heisman winning number one overall pick of the 2003 draft? Well, he's still good, if not fantastic. In the fantasy football era, people base quality of play on putting up video game numbers. Well, yes, Palmer has become more of a first-rate game manager than game changing canon-armed hot shot who had the entire team's success on his shoulder. But he won this team games when it really counted last year, and a much better offense is in place now. Even if he doesn't throw for 4,000+ yards, Palmer will win games for this team in 2010. Reports out of training camp are fairly good, and supposedly his full arm strength has finally returned after his 2008 elbow injury.

7. 2010 - It's the Year of the Tiger. It's in the fuckin' stars! Get excited people!

Did Carson and Chad Lose Each Other's Phone Numbers?

For the second off season in a row Bengals quarterback "Uncle" Carson Palmer and wide receiver Chad "Fred Astaire Can Kiss My Ass" Ochocinco are exchanging words via the press. And once again the two aren't exchanging words via a traditional phone call, e-mail or even the USPS.

It makes you wonder if the two haven't simply misplaced each others phone numbers.

Obviously Palmer wishes Chad would pack up his dancing shoes and come back to Cincinnati (it's so lovely in the summertime - all the drunk shirtless Kentuckians roaming the various downtown beer and sausage festivals). According to ProFootballTalk, Carson believes "the team is constructing the biggest overhaul of the team's passing game of his career." So you'd assume the team's number one receiver would want to be there.

But Uncle Carson knows that simple logic won't work on a lunatic that changed his last name to two Spanish numbers. He has to make it into some sort of public challenge. So forget the phone call - Carson just tells the media, according to a tweet by reporter Josh Katzowitz, that perhaps the Bengals are "trying to find a new No. 1 receiver, because it's hard to work your offense w/out that guy." Harsh words for Ochocinco's ears, as he would not relinquish a starting spot gracefully.

But Chad took the challenge more as a spar of wits (read: schoolyard diss session) and struck back the only way he knows how - electronic communications excluding telephones that aren't connected to ESPN. From his Twitter account (OGOchoCinco):

• About Carson Palmer -- I missed what my quarterback said about me not being at OTA'S -- they aren't even mandatory -- he misses Ochocinco -- cute!
• tell Carson when I see him I'm gonna Hulk Hogan leg drop his ass then tie him to the goalpost and throw wet toilet paper at him.

At some point though Chad kicked it into a lower gear, stating on a phonecall to ESPN's NFL Live, "I think Carson is right, when I come back I want to be at my best, I have a commitment to be in tip top shape, I understand where he's coming from, I'm going to be there as soon as possible."

But the root of the whole problem (aside from the football perspective, which this post is only moderately interested in) is the telephone. Another Chad quote from NFL Live proves the most illuminating, but I made you read this whole article to get to it(!): "[Uncle Carson] never calls my phone, this is his way of talking to me."

Hopefully they remember to exchange numbers at the Mandatory minicamp later this month.

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Other Bengals News:

The party apparently is in Baltimore; Shayne "Where-da-party-at?" Graham is now a Raven. So hopefully he'll ruin their season by missing a clutch kick. Doesn't he owe Cincinnati that much?

The Bengals kicker, incidently, will probably be former Ohio State Buckeyes/New York Jets/some-other-teams-for-like-10-minutes-that-I-don't-feel-like-looking-up Mike "I Wish My Name Was Ted" Nugent, who happens to hail from my hometown. Do not feel any need be excited by this.

Bailando con la Ocho

Rough translation: Dancing with the Ocho.

As you probably already know, Chad Ochocinco will be joining this Spring's cast of ABC's Dancing with the Stars.  After watching Hard Knocks with the Bengals last season, this actually seems really unexciting.  But you take what you can get as a writer in the offseason.

I've never watched the show before, but I would consider possibly watching a little of it this season.  And look who shares my predicament; Carson Palmer.  Said Palmer of Chad joining the hit show, "I've never seen it before.  But I'll be a fan of it now because I'm a fan of his."

Coach Marvin Lewis also gave his blessing.  He knew Chad probably wouldn't come to the voluntary workouts he'll be missing for the show anyway, and he noted that this will keep him in shape.

Chad's dancing partner on the show will be Cheryl Burke.  A quick Google search revealed to me that she is a professional dancer who has twice before won the show.  Chad described her as tough and beautiful with a will to win and a great personality.  So good luck Chad.

And if you think this is the only dance/music thing Chad has been up to lately, you are sorely mistaken.  Chad also recently appeared in a music video for R&B chanteuse Monica.  Naturally, it is posted below.

The video appears to center around Chad and Monica almost getting divorced, but then they don't.  They also have a daughter, who maybe also got kidnapped by the woman that is stalking Chad or something.  Also, Chad is shirtless for a while.  Well, enjoy.

Optimism?

OK, let's admit it. The Bengals blew it.

After starting the season with more momentum than anyone expected, the team basically disappeared at the end of the year. This trend continued into the playoffs, although their final effort (minus Shayne Graham at least) wasn't completely embarrassing.

But when you look at the overall picture, you see a young team with a few serious weak points. And these things can now be addressed seriously without worrying about losing any major players.

We certainly don't need to lose sleep over Cincinnati's running back stable, linebacker corps, or starting defensive backs.

Unless the speculation that Carson's elbow is indeed still damaged from last season's injury, we shouldn't have to worry about quarterbacks either - and even if he is hurt, he has another offseason to recuperate. We could probably get a better back up, but this isn't critical.

I figure there are three main areas to improve, and another three that could use tweaking. The most important is wide receiver. Chad Ochocinco (I have a strong feeling that last name will be changing again soon) is still solid, but probably not the elite guy he was from about 2003-2007. I figure to see two more good seasons out of him. After that, the Bengals have close to nothing. Andre Calwell shows flashes and is probably a good third option, but maybe not starter material. Coles isn't close to being worth the money we'll owe him, and I expect him to get cut. Anyone else is just a footnote so far.

There's a chance that both Anquan Boldin of the Cardinals and Joshua Cribbs of the Browns will be available this offseason. The Bengals need to aggressively pursue these guys, or any other type of number two wide receiver that becomes available. The Bengals haven't done a good job of developing young WRs in recent years (see: Jerome Simpson - 2nd round pick, 1 reception in 2 seasons), and we need someone who can step up right away - like Coles was supposed to this year.

The next most pressing need is nickle cornerback. Jonathan Joseph and Leon Hall did as good a job as any team should need shutting down the number one and two WRs as any defense should need, but the slot guy made the Bengals pay time and time again. With the risk of losing one of them to free agency in the next few years, having a young guy to develop wouldn't be a bad thing.

Defensive line is also worrying, as it seems injury prone. Antwan Odom and Pat Sims both ended their seasons early. Domata Peko and Robert Geathers both missed games to injury. Tank Johnson seemed to end up on the injury report every other week. This unit frequently didn't generate the kind of pressure it needed to late in the season. This is supposedly a D-line heavy draft, and then Bengals should pounce on one of these guys as early as round one, depending of course on who's available.

First on my list of secondary issues is tight end. The big question marks here are who will be back and what kind of offensive scheme Cincinnati will run next year. If they're looking for more of a pass catching tight end, maybe last year's pick, Chase Coffman will be up to NFL speed. Although not signed for next season, it seems likely the Bengals could bring Reggie Kelly back. I expect J.P. Foschi to be back, but probably not Dan Coats.

Safety is a position where the Bengals defense could improve. They've got pretty good starters in Roy Williams, Ndukwe and Chris Crocker, but if their is an outstanding rookie safety available, I have to think they'll got after him.

Last I have offensive line. This unit probably over-performed this season, and if the right guy is available in the draft Cincinnati should take him. The current offensive line is good, but it does stand room for improvement in pass protecting. Hopefully the further development of Andre Smith leads to this need diminishing.

So, I figure the Bengals draft will look something like this:

Round 1 - Defensive Tackle or End
Round 2 - Cornerback
Round 3 - Safety
Round 4 - Offensive Lineman
Round 5 - Wide Receiver
Round 6 - Tight End
Round 7 - Kicker

It will be interesting to see if I get any of these right

Lions Loss Leaps Bengals to winning season

For the first time since 2005, and only the second time since 1991 (this goddamn team) the Bengals will finish with a winning record.

Beating the Detroit Lions isn't much of an accomplishment, but the game is still riddled with meaning for Cincinnati.

For starters, Marvin Lewis tied franchise founder Paul Brown for 2nd most wins by a coach in club history. As noted above, it also guarantees them a winning season, with their record now notched at 9-3 - tied for second best in the AFC. We also saw the successful return of running back Cedric Benson, and first round pick offensive tackle Andre Smith got playing time for his second NFL game.

Furthermore, with Pittsburgh losing to Oakland and Baltimore possibly losing to Green Bay tonight, only one more win may be necessary to ensure an AFC North crown for the Bengals.

However, this game was boring! The first half was kind of exciting, but the second was slow and painful. Detroit's offense looked terrible after starting the game strong, and the Bengals probably could have posted about 14 more points had it not been for needless interceptions from Carson Palmer. On the plus side, I didn't mind watching the Bengals defense pound quarterback Matt Stafford into the ground repeatedly - welcome to the Jungle indeed.

So I am going to celebrate Brian Leonard for his 100th leap over a defender (unofficial stat). WhoDeyRevolution call him the "White Weapon," a nickname that absolutely needs to catch on. He only gets two or three carries per game, but he makes them count. If you Google Image Search the guy, at least a third of the pictures are of him leaping over would-be tacklers - a trend that dates back to at least his Rutgers days.

So the unnofficial Dank-Game player of the week is Brian Leonard, with Chad "taking the Black Mexican thing really seriously" Ochocinco a close second.

I wonder how many times I could type "Who Dey" before I've used too many characters for a title

Who fuckin' dey!

Who now remains that says this isn't a great team?

They just swept division rival Baltimore. That's right, the Ravens. You remember, they played in the AFC Championship game last season. Against Superbowl champion Pittsburgh. Who the Bengals also beat this season. And who they play again next Sunday.

At any rate, Cincinnati is on pace for a 12-4 season at the midway point. No 12-4 team has ever missed the playoffs. And Cincinnati has 4 very easy games left on their schedule (at Oakland, vs. Cleveland, vs. Detroit, vs. Kansas City), which suggests an easy path to at least a 10-6 record.

To say I'm thrilled with Cincinnati this season is an understatement. This team is going to win a lot more games than they lose. They aren't putting up top of the league stats, but I'm starting to think that's a good thing. This team wins without one player having to put up a top 5 performance.

Oh, except Cedric Benson. I cannot explain the success he's had with the Bengals. Hopefully he won't be in the Pro Bowl because he's preparing for the Superbowl!

Don't be surprised if the following Bengals (in order) make the Pro Bowl either:
Leon Hall (CB)
Carson Palmer (QB)
Jonathan Joseph (CB)
Dhani Jones (MLB) - as an alternate perhaps

Final thought - The Bengals never came close to scoring in the second half, but they still won by ten. They forced Joe Flacco to two of the worst performances of his career. This team may not put up numbers, but they win games.

I'm looking forward to the Saints-Bengals Superbowl!

Bengals dismantle Bears, Benson gets revenge

After missing my friend's call inviting me to go to last week's game against the Houston Texans, I luckily got his call this week to go to the Bears game. I'm pretty glad I missed the call for the Texans game, as it was the most depressing game of the season and the Bears game was far and away the most encouraging game of the year as well as the most fun Bengals game I've ever attended. Beer was flowing, fists were pumping, and high fives were never ending. I couldn't ask for much more. Because there were so many Bears fans in attendance, it felt amazing to walk through Paul Brown Stadium repping the black and orange with pride. Also, initiating "Who Dey!" chants in the bathroom was totally amusing.

The Bengals just couldn't seem to do wrong. Cedric Benson had the game of his career, running for a career high 189 yards against his former team. Carson Palmer also had one of the finest games of his career, completing 20 of 24 passes for 233 yards and five touchdowns. What really stood out to me was that the Bengals didn't have any huge plays throughout the game. They just moved the ball down the field with consistency and converted over and over again in the red zone. In fact, Jay Cutler had more yards than Palmer with 251, but he was forcing long throws that led to 3 interceptions.

Because Mustache was working in Columbus, I kept him up on the game via text messages. Just for the hell of it, here is our correspondance:

Slim (4:24): TD Bengals!
Mustache (4:37): Sweet. Keep the updates coming. Who dey
Slim (4:47): Another TD! 14-0!
Slim (5:01): Another TD! 21-0!
Mustache (5:16): Amazing. Who scored? What quarter?
Slim (5:23): I cant even keep up with who is scoring. 28 to 0 Bengals!
Slim (5:31): Where-da-party-at with a field goal. 31 to 0 Bengals!
Slim (6:08): U back home yet?
Mustache (6:10): Hell no. Still working
Slim (6:11): Weak. Bengals got dis shit.
Slim (6:29): Who dey!
Mustache (6:29): Hell yeah
Slim (6:39): 45 to 3 Bengals!

What a glorious game. If only my homeboy Brett Favre and the Vikings could've pulled it out against the Steelers, it would've been the best day of NFL football this season.

Ugly Sunday in Cincinnati

Because Teenage Mustache is on official Dank Game business in the City of Angels (make us proud, 'stache), I'll be incapably filling in with some NFL coverage.

It seemed like due time that the Bengals fucked up enough to keep the game out of reach in the final minutes. No Carson Palmer heroics could pull them out of this one. While the injuries to defensive tackle Domata Peko (awaiting MRI results on an injured knee) and defensive end Antwan Odom (out for the season with a ruptured Achille's tendon) hurt the Bengals chances of winning on Sunday, it certainly didn't boil down to just that.

The second quarter was the only moment the Bengals looked alive on offense, scoring on a run by Cedric Benson, a tippy toe catch in the back of the end zone by Laveranues Coles, and a field goal at the end of the half by Shane "where-da-party-at?" Graham. During the second half, the Bengals just couldn't get the ball down the field. The offense was simply horrendous. Something has to be done with tight end Daniel Coats, who can't catch a pass for his life. When he finally did manage to catch one, of course he fumbled it. Not only did Coats do his best to fuck shit up, but tight end J. P. Foschi did his part in fucking up as well. Just a few plays after the Bengals recovered a Texans' fumble in the final minutes, Foschi would fumble the ball after catching a pass, putting an end to any hope of a "Cardiac Cats" comeback. I thought the Bengals drafted some really great tight end named Chase Coffman. As far as I know, this guy hasn't even played. What's the deal?

The defense was looking decent prior to Pecko and Odom going down. I can't really comment on this much though, as I was chasing my dog outside for at least 5 minutes of the first quarter after she escaped through my friend's front door. Not that I would've had any insight if that didn't happen, though. I do know that Odom blocked a field goal before his injury though, and that was pretty sweet. From that point on, Houston had its way with the Cincinnati defense.

All I can say is this was a thoroughly disappointing game. Despite a decent effort from Ochocinco, he didn't score a touch down, which meant no Mexican Jumping Bengal celebration. It's my belief that had this celebration happened, it would have energized the Bengals and Paul Brown Stadium enough for them to fight through the injuries and pull this one off.