The Future of the Cincinnati Bengals

It's time to face the music. Unless the 2010 Cincinnati Bengals go on a massive winning streak, they won't be playing post-season football this year. At worst they can lose two more games and still play January football.

Also worth noting is the staggering number of impact players for the team who's futures are in jeopardy. Some players are simply entering their prime while closing out their rookie deals, like starting cornerbacks Leon Hall and Jonathan Joseph. Other players are mid-career pickups who owner/General Manager Mike Brown likes to low-ball into short performance-incentive-based contracts like CB "Pacman" Jones, WR Terrell Owens and most notably RB Cedric Benson.

In a third category are aging superstars with long term contracts nearing their ends. Bengals fans are probably familiar with WR Chad Ochocinco and QB Carson Palmer, who is owed something like $12 million next season.

Anyone familiar with how Mike Brown runs this team knows we aren't getting all of these players back. Either CB Hall or Joseph will likely be retained along with the far less expensive Pacman, but probably not both. Unless no one else is willing to pay him, on the strength of a good season T.O. is likely headed out of town. Chad is headed into a Club-option year in his contract and will either whine for a new contract, a trade or simply for the Bengals to not use the option and give him up to free agency. Regardless of how all these lower priority Bengals contracts pan out, the team will look much different next year than it does right now.

But the biggest difference will be at either quarterback or running back. With Benson not under contract at all beyond this season and Palmer owed more money than he is likely worth at this stage in his career, it seems extremely unlikely Mike Brown will pony up the cash to keep them both. But assuming he keeps one (he really could lose both), the other position will have to be addressed in the 2011 draft.

Enter Mike Brown first round draft pick speculation:

HOF Game Heroes and Villians

Hey, it's Dank Game's 400th post, right as football season is upon us! As we just celebrated our 1 year anniversary, I won't make a big deal about our latest milestone. But I think we'll have to do something for 500 posts, a la Eddie in Time Square, but better.

Anyway, I have to say the Hall of Fame Game last night could have put me in a better mood. It's still preseason and many starters barely played, but the team didn't truly look ready. In Coach Marvin Lewis' defense, the first preseason game usually comes after another full week of training camp. But either way, much needs to be worked on.

So let's get started with HOF Game Villians:

1. QBs J.T. O'Sullivan and Jordan Palmer - what was that? Those interceptions were pitiful. I realize that most NFL teams don't truly have a viable backup quarterback, but we have some of the worst. We're going to have a lot of problems should Carson go down to injury for any stretch. Which brings me to number two.

2. The Offensive Line (that's like 14 players) - As many feared, the Bengals pass protection looked unstable. None of the Bengals quarterbacks had much time to get the ball downfield, so I'll forgive a little bit of sloppy play from Carson and company. This unit is the biggest question mark on the team in my opinion, and I'm not encouraged by what I saw last night.

3. Tight End Daniel Coats - Every time Coats suits up in a Bengals uniform a little piece of my soul dies. Pray no other tight ends get hurt so he doesn't make the roster.

4. Cornerback Adam Jones (24) - He really didn't have that bad of a game, but he isn't quite ready to go against number one WRs again. Having been out of football for over a year, I think he'll be more ready to go by when the season starts. Won't it be nice when both Leon Hall and Jonathan Joseph start though?

NFL's Biggest Collection of Jackasses?

Well, the Bengals done signed Terrell Owens. Owens doesn't have the best reputation as a teammate, though Mike Brown thought highly enough to make him a last minute addition to the team. And Cincinnati might now have the most jackass-filled roster in pro football, although it should be noted that the presence of Roethlisberger alone puts Pittsburgh way up there. On the bright side, they could very well join other jackass filled teams in Lombardi trophy history (1970's Steelers and Raiders, I'm looking at you).

So I'm taking a look at all the guys on the roster who seem like assholes. This isn't about arrests (Leon Hall is not on the list in spite of a DUI arrest last offseason for example), but I'm factoring some in.

Asshole index:

Adam Jones (CB) - HIGH - He has missed two entire seasons of football in a five year career because of off-the-field incidents - no, catastrophes. I'm honestly surprised he wasn't suspended for life. His most recent team, Dallas, hired around the clock security to keep him out of trouble and he ended up getting in a fight with a bodyguard. If he hadn't said and done all the right things since coming to Cincinnati (after sitting out last year and probably going broke making it rain too many times) I'd make a special category that only he and Ben Roethlisberger could fill.

Terrell Owens (WR) - HIGH - has called out the following teammates in public: Jeff Garcia (49ers), Donovan McNabb (Eagles) and Tony Romo (Cowboys). He has also claimed to have intentionally dropped passes when his team didn't include him enough in the game plan. He did however play nice in Buffalo last season.

The Bengal's Big Chance

The Bengals have become well known in the Mike Brown era of ownership for making some of the worst personnel decisions in the league. The goal appears to be simple: build an incredibly unstable core of possibly talented, but definitely combustible athletes.

The question of why Brown chooses to run his team this way is moot. But assuming insanity in Cincinnati (Cinsanity?) really is the goal, there's one obvious obstacle in his way: these players keep getting arrested, suspended, drunk, fat, or in one tragic case dead.

So each and every year the Bengals sign the newest generation of miscreants. I'll go back a couple of years to illustrate:

In 2007 drunkard Odell Thurman and general asshole Shuan Smith (who was brought back to the team for a few games in 2009) left the team. The Bengals went out and got Harvard (freaking Harvard) quarterback Ryan "Crazy Legs" Fitzpatrick. In 2008 the team lost Chris Henry to suspension. They replaced him by drafting DUI machine Jason Shirley, and signing Jordan Palmer, who runs the ridiculously nerdy RunPee. Later in the season they added Cedric "DUI-by-land-or-by-sea" Benson.

So close to Kentucky

So that's it! That's what's wrong with the Bengal's front office. With the rolling hills of Kentucky so close to Paul Brown Stadium - literally right across the Ohio River PBS is so proudly perched - they must have given into temptation.

Mike Brown & co. has been drinking the moonshine.

How else can you explain yesterday's signing of Wide Receiver Matt Jones, memorably nicknamed "Moonshine" by ProFootballTalk.com's Mike Florio? Are they sitting around drunk on power and moonshine, joking that it would be funny to have a player named moonshine?

Furthermore, this explains why they have recently worked out cornerback Adam "Pacman" Jones. Perhaps they have an old Pacman machine in the bowels of the stadium that they play after downing their sweet Kentucky swill?

It also could have a lot to do with their supposed interest in former Browns wide receiver Dante Stallworth. What do these three men have in common by the way? All three did not play football in 2009 due to legal ramifications!

On the more serious now (but not totally serious), Mike Brown's tendency to find talent in the NFL's scrap heap has been well documented. Is he just goofing now, showing interest in some of the NFL's biggest fuck ups? Pacman played college ball at West Virginia with our dearly departed Chris Henry. He is often credited as the guy that taught Slim how to get arrested.

Donte Stallworth isn't nearly as big a dumbass as Pacman, but he simply isn't that great of a receiver. And he DUI killed a guy in 2009. Just stay away, it's amazing he's even out of jail already.

Matt Jones actually might not be the worst idea ever. I think TO might be a better fit, but he comes with a much larger price tag ($6 million for one season last year in Buffalo). Dude is 6' 6" and pretty quick. Although he never lived up to his potential in Jacksonville, pairing him with Ochocinco is an interesting line up, and could very well open up the passing game.

So let's just hope that whatever sociopaths Mike Brown signs this offseason limit the Bengals' arrests to hopefully just that unfortunate Maualuga DUI.