Monday, May 10, 2010

Could Science Explain Rapistberger's Actions?

I suppose you could mark this one under the Dank Game conspiracy files. As you are undoubtedly aware, I have not shied from Steeler-related conspiracies in the past.

Well, here's some background if you need it:

The starting quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers, Ben Roethlisberger, keeps going around raping women, crashing motorcycles and generally acting like an asshole. Even after winning two Superbowls with the team, even the often incompetent Pittsburgh citizenry is getting tired of Ben's antics. Ultimately, Ben has been suspended for the first six games of the 2010 season.

I'll cut to a quick Steel Legends (one of Pittsburgh's finest) to explain what this means for the Steelers:


The most interesting thing about Rapistberger-Gate isn't so much how much of terrible of a person Ben really is. What's fascinating is that people are trying to hard to figure out WHY he's such a turd. After his 2006 motorcycle accident and multiple on-field concussions some think that head trauma is at least in part responsible for his more sociopathic actions.

Well after reading this enlightening article in Time, I'm prepared to offer a more devious explanation. Scientists recently cracked the genetic code of the extinct Neanderthal man from various skeletons. From this newly found complete set of DNA scientists were able to compare to that of various populations from Eurasia and Africa.

What they found was that in the non-African populations, DNA of modern man and Neanderthal man shared small amounts of genetic relation. This apparently means that the two species interbred in these regions, and that some of the genes inherited from the Neanderthals remains in human beings today. Within a controlled study, as much as 4% of our genetic code came from Neanderthal man.

Here's the part where I go from science to speculation; suppose it's possible that although within a scientific study only a small amount of Neanderthal DNA has survived. Couldn't this mean that somewhere there could be a man with significantly more Neanderthal DNA? Yes, I am suggesting than Ben Roethlisberger could be as much as 50% Neanderthal.

Without further ado, ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you Neanderthal Ben. Judge for yourself.


1 comment:

  1. I think that might be the best Photoshop job ever on Dank Game because it's so bad.

    BTW, I don't know why videos don't show up on the main page when you add the "Read More" link.

    ReplyDelete