Classical Finale

Let me go on record as saying Mike Brown should be fired. I had a little Lebron fatigue this week because of all the coverage. Only World Wide Wes could really have any insight, but, like Gnarls Barkley, who cares? It's a lot of talk for a team that lost three straight--reminds me of Bill Belicheck last year talking about the Patriots.

It looks like another Celtics v Lakers final, which is really what the NBA conspiracy theorists should worry about. I mean seriously, only Nike wants Lebron v Kobe, not David Stern. The team everyone should be talking about is the Celtics. I know the Lakers are the defending champs, but the Celtics were sans KG last year. Last I remember the Celtics with KG, they ripped the Lakers in the Finals and everyone was questioning Pau Gasol's toughness.

Both teams are a little older; I wonder which one has the toughness to win. This is what the Lakers got Ron Artest for. Ron could be the defensive leader they lacked in 2008. I think people sometimes forget that Ron led the Rockets last year, the only team in the Playoffs to take the Lakers to 7 games. But Rasheed Wallace gives the Celtics even more toughness as well. It should be a great series, but here I go talking like the match up is already set. Damn, is Dank Game becoming the George Noory of the NBA blogosphere?

Ron Artest's Mustache Smothers Durant/Thunder

After a convincing 110-89 game 4 victory in Oklahoma City on Saturday, the Thunder appeared overwhelmed by the Lakers last night in Los Angeles. What made the difference in the Lakers' 111-87 win? While many people are crediting Kobe's defense on Russell Westbrook, the real difference was Ron Artest's mustache.

"When Ron had the fucked up dyed hair in games 3 and 4 in Oklahoma City, I was able to get into a good rhythm. His shit just look so botched that I got into a mindset like, 'Can't nobody with fucked up hair like that stop me,' and I was able to just take it to him," said Kevin Durant in his post-game interview.

"Tonight though, I guess I just wasn't prepared for the mustache and bald head. That shit was mad intimidating. I'm just going to have to watch some tape with coach and figure out how to overcome it. He might come out with a totally new look though, so I have to be prepared for anything."

Ron Artest also gave credit to his mustache for getting into Durant's mind.

"I could tell that the dyed hair was losing its power after games 1 and 2, so I knew that I had to come back into LA with a new look that would throw Durant off his game," said Artest.

"As soon as I finished shaving my head and getting my mustache right, I looked into the mirror and said to my mustache, 'You're going to be the X-factor tonight, 'stache. Can't nobody get by you.' From that moment on, I just knew we were going to take them out. As great as my mustache was, I think my bald head deserves a lot of credit for this win too."

While Artest's 'stache proved to make the difference last night, can it continue to slow down the Thunder on their home court? Lakers' coach Phil Jackson is already planning what Artest's next look will be for game 6.

"Now that Ron is bald, we're starting to run out of options as far as what to do with his appearance," said Jackson, "but we've been tossing around some ideas on how he can come into Oklahoma City with a new, and even more intimidating look. Our first idea was to bring in a professional make up artist to make Ron look like one of the zombies from Michael Jackson's 'Thriller' music video, but that little bitch David Stern caught wind of that and threatened to fine me again. It's a real shame too, because we a had whole dance routine in the works for the announcing of the starting line-ups. At least we have Pau who basically looks straight out of the 'Thriller' video."

Because he's a big fan of mustaches and the Thunder, I tried to get a comment from Dank Game's Teenage Mustache regarding Ron's 'stache and the Thunder's loss last night. Thus far he hasn't answered his phone or responded to e-mails. I suspect that he's jealous of Ron's mustache and embarrassed by how much crazier Artest has proven to be than the Cincinnati Bengal's Chad Ochocinco.

Lady Lakers to fill in for missing NBA All-Stars

It has been reported from several super trust worthy news sources that the Lady Lakers of, uh, Michigan will replace the NBA players who will sit out this Sunday night for the NBA All-Star Game in Dallas at 7 PM EST on TNT. Commissioner David Stern attempted to find NBA players to replace the All-Stars who will miss Sunday's game, but apparently every player he contacted had already planned a vacation and/or told him to "get the fuck out [they] face with that All-Star Weekend bullshit." Stern had hoped to have the following players to replace these All-Stars:

Denver's Chauncey Billups for New Orleans' Chris Paul (injured knee)

The Clippers' Chris Kaman for Portland's Brandon Roy (injured hamstring)

New York's David Lee for Philadelphia's Allen Iverson (attending to sick daughter)

Dallas Maverick/New Beginnings Retirement Home resident Jason Kidd for the Lakers' Kobe Bryant (injured ankle, broken finger, back spasms, obsessive work ethic, delusions of grandeur, unhealthy Michael Jordan fetish, etc.)

The Lady Lakers seem poised to take the court at Cowboys Stadium in front of the largest crowd assembled in basketball history with more than 90,000 expected. When reporters asked if they were ready to perform against the NBA's elite in front of a record breaking crowd, they responded in unison with a resounding "Duh!"