Dank Game

Quarterbacking the 2011 Cincinnati Bengals

2010-11-29T15:41:00.001-08:00

For obvious reasons, the 2011 Cincinnati Bengals will scantly resemble the 2010 or 2009 Queen City Tigers. For starters, in all likelihood the team will be coached by a man who's name isn't Marvin Lewis for the first time since 2002.

At this point not retaining Lewis is really more of a business decision for owner Mike Brown, suddenly struggling to sell tickets for the first time since the Dick LeBeau era. They have a head-coach-in-waiting in defensive coordinator Mike Zimmer however, and there remains a slim chance Marvin will actually be retained. Outside of these two options only meager speculations exist, which perhaps I'll write a future post about.

What's more fun is the guessing game that is Bengals quarterbacks of the future. Let's review some candidates:

1. Carson Palmer - Carson is due something like $12 million next year, so on the surface it would be a good time for Mike Brown to rid himself of that albatross of a contract. However, even if the Bengals take a rookie QB in the draft, it will still be most sensible to keep Palmer around as the starter for at least a little while. And who knows, having an up and coming fresh QB behind Palmer (i.e. not his younger brother) might even make him better.

2. Trades/Free Agents - Slightly troubled Titans QB Vince Young and either Eagles QBs Kevin Kolb or Mike Vick might very well be available in free agency or trade next season. Redskins QB Donovan McNabb could also be on the outs after only one season in Washington. It's not really Mike Brown's style to actually go after one of these guys, but the possibility is certainly there. The Bengals were the only club besides Philadelphia to offer Vick a contract upon his release from federal prison.

3. The Draft: There are several good, or at least intriguing, college quarterbacks likely entering the draft this year. With the Bengals choosing high in each round, they are likely to be able to land a decent one even in the second round. Stanford's Andrew Luck is widely regarded as the top of the heap. Auburn's Cameron Newton, Washington's Jake Locker and Arkansas's Ryan Mallett are other strong contenders.

The biggest key to any of these candidates succeeding is probably solid offensive coaching and a good offensive line. Cincinnati has neither in Offensive Coordinator Bob Bratkowski, or their mediocre line. Bratkowski should have been replaced years ago, but remains safe for unknown reasons. Right Tackle Andre Smith was supposed to shore up the latter problem, but he can't stay healthy. The Bengals would probably be better off getting a top flight offensive lineman as opposed to a QB, but this franchise is not known for sound decision making.

Hell, who knows. Maybe Jordan Palmer will be their starting QB next year.

Dwight Howard Out-rebounds the Super Friends!

2010-11-25T04:40:00.000-08:00

Just look at the box score; the trio got only one more rebound than Dwight got by himself.

http://sports.yahoo.com/nba/boxscore?gid=2010112419

You can't win without rebounding and the Heat seem to be sorely lacking in that category.

Hawks-Jazz

2010-11-13T08:06:00.000-08:00

Mustache is finally living up to his promise of covering Atlanta teams. After attending a Falcons, Hawks, and three Braves games, I am a fully integerated Atlanta sports denizen.

Anyway, I went with a small group of people to Phillips arena last night to catch the latest come-from-behind Jazz victory (although the margin was much smaller last night than in Florida). The arena is sort of connected to the CNN center, and in an indoor courtyard between the two is the world's best food court.

What makes it world class? They had enormous beers (I'm pretty sure they were 36 ounces) for like $8. Needless to say, we were a little late for the game.

Oh, did you want actually game commentary? Josh Smith didn't shoot threes very well, Joe Johnson is pretty good and Kirilenko of the Jazz gets a lot of rebounds.

Also, according to some kids in the elevator, the Falcons are going to the Superbowl.

After I got home I watched some of the Thunder-'Blazers game. Russell Westbrook for MVP.

The Future of the Cincinnati Bengals

2010-11-07T06:47:00.000-08:00

It's time to face the music. Unless the 2010 Cincinnati Bengals go on a massive winning streak, they won't be playing post-season football this year. At worst they can lose two more games and still play January football.

Also worth noting is the staggering number of impact players for the team who's futures are in jeopardy. Some players are simply entering their prime while closing out their rookie deals, like starting cornerbacks Leon Hall and Jonathan Joseph. Other players are mid-career pickups who owner/General Manager Mike Brown likes to low-ball into short performance-incentive-based contracts like CB "Pacman" Jones, WR Terrell Owens and most notably RB Cedric Benson.

In a third category are aging superstars with long term contracts nearing their ends. Bengals fans are probably familiar with WR Chad Ochocinco and QB Carson Palmer, who is owed something like $12 million next season.

Anyone familiar with how Mike Brown runs this team knows we aren't getting all of these players back. Either CB Hall or Joseph will likely be retained along with the far less expensive Pacman, but probably not both. Unless no one else is willing to pay him, on the strength of a good season T.O. is likely headed out of town. Chad is headed into a Club-option year in his contract and will either whine for a new contract, a trade or simply for the Bengals to not use the option and give him up to free agency. Regardless of how all these lower priority Bengals contracts pan out, the team will look much different next year than it does right now.

But the biggest difference will be at either quarterback or running back. With Benson not under contract at all beyond this season and Palmer owed more money than he is likely worth at this stage in his career, it seems extremely unlikely Mike Brown will pony up the cash to keep them both. But assuming he keeps one (he really could lose both), the other position will have to be addressed in the 2011 draft.

Enter Mike Brown first round draft pick speculation:

If we lose Carson Palmer

The front runner right now is Auburn QB and Heisman Trophy candidate Cameron Newton.At 6'6" 250 Ibs, Newton looks and plays like a typical Mike Brown quarterback (Palmer being the chief exception to this rule).

He runs as well as he throws, he plays for a school we've successfully drafted from before (Willie Anderson), and he's used to being a Tiger. He even has the prototypical Bengals "checkered past." Newton narrowly dodged felony charges after buying a stolen laptop during his brief time at the University of Florida. It sounds like it wasn't really his fault, but that will certainly come up if the Bengals draft him.

If visions of Akili Smith are dancing in your head, you're not alone.

If we lose Cedric Benson

This one is even more clear to me. Mark Ingram from Alabama has already won both the Heisman and a national championship!

He is practically a carbon copy of what Cedric Benson was to the University of Texas, and maybe even better. Based on where the Bengals will select in next year's draft (in the top half, but not the top five), he will very likely be available. I'm not sure if he'll be an improvement on Benson, but he will be fresh legs.

Corey Dillon, eat your heart out.

So these are the kind of massive changes you can expect for next year's Cincinnati Bengals. Oh, and we probably won't have head coach Marvin Lewis either. I personally can't wait for 2011, the year the Bengals make a run at a five win season!

Time to Thunder Up

2010-11-05T12:09:00.001-07:00

I caught the OKC Thunder for the first time this season last night on TNT at the Portland Trailblazers. Reggie Miller was calling the game, but it was still thoroughly enjoyable, despite the Thunder blowing an early lead to go down big in the third quarter.

If I've learned anything about NBA basketball though, the good teams are the ones that are resilient. And getting two offensive boards in the expiring seconds of the fourth quarter to force overtime is certainly a sign of resilience, as is Russell Westbrook's three quarters of inspiring play (discounting the disappointing third period). In fact, Westbrook's highlight reel post-International play is nothing short of a top three point guard in the NBA (fuck you, Rondo).

One unfortunate trend that was appropriately noted by Miller and company is Kevin Durant's tendency to turn the ball over coupled with his lack of assists. Surely the two are connected, and you have to believe Durant will re-adjust to NBA play before too long. His teammate are getting it done, and sooner or later Durant will play a game in which he has as many assists as points. Go ahead and quote me one that.

One of his teammates getting it done of the bench is Dank Game favorite Serge "the Congolese Squeeze" Ibaka (it's gonna stick, just give it time to sink in). As the sixth man, Ibaka came off the bench in both halfs and provided lights out defensive play, keeping the Thunder in a game in which they gave up an atrocious number of offensive rebounds and let the 'Blazers shoot an absurdly high percentage in the second half.

More could be said about the Thunder's effort, including Jeff Green's 20+ points and Cole Aldrich's scrappy, albeit limited play (he didn't really do much, but Slim McFavorite feels like I'm supposed to be some big fan of his). But sitting at 3-2 and slowly cleaning up the mistakes, OKC next heads to Boston for their biggest game of the young NBA season (have I said fuck Rondo yet?)

*note - I'm pretty sure that picture isn't from last night's game, but I'm also pretty sure it's awesome.

The MJ controversy

2010-10-19T10:38:00.000-07:00

With Michael Jordan's recent comments that he could put up 100 points in todays NBA, I just had to chime in. This isn't the first time that an old guard player has gone off about the quality of play in the modern NBA; I've heard Oscar Robertson rip the league too. I think it is ridiculous for MJ to say he could score 100 points. I kind of hope Kobe does it just to shut him up. The talent pool for the NBA is WAY bigger now then in Jordan's time. Basketball is truly a world sport now, ironically enough thanks in part to the dream team. Look at the Lakers, their second best player is Pau Gasol. The second best team in the world now is probably the Spanish National team. When MJ played, the depth of international talent was much lower. MJ was on a whole different level than everyone else when it came to conditioning. Now I think it is a different story with many more athletes getting in better condition. Just look at Lebron, man. Don't let MJ fool you, there is still plenty of physical defense in the NBA (ahem, Ron Artest). I mean, did you watch the Finals last year? It was a slugfest!

Saved By the Bell - The College Years

2010-10-15T15:37:00.000-07:00

Hello Dank-Gamers

If there are any of you left, you've probably noticed a severe absence of new posts. Well, I think the steam ran out of each of our writers all at once. Even though football season has begun and basketball has reached preseason, no one seems to give a shit anymore.

So I welcome you to Dank Game - the College years. It's kind of like Saved By the Bell: The College Years - less funny, less interesting, and quite possibly an utter waste of anyone's time.

Basically, I decided I'm going to keep writing posts - sometimes. But I probably won't spend much time on them, and they'll be more venting/kvetching than an attempt at original content/humor. I probably won't bother doing too many photoshoppings either (how easy would it have been to put eddie's head into the Saved By the Bell photo).

Anyway, feel free to keep reading (and writing). Or don't. It's entirely up to you.

Fart,
Teenage_Mustache

(yeah, I stole that last part from David Cross)

2010 Bengals - An Alternative History

2010-10-15T08:47:00.000-07:00

When Michael Vick was released from prison in 2009, only two teams supposedly offered him a contract. The Eagles, who signed him for two years, then started the third quarterback on their roster, Kevin Kolb, while franchise quarterback Donovan McNabb was hurt, then trading McNabb, handing the starting job to Kolb only to see him lose it to Vick.

The other team was the Bengals, and right now I sadly wish we actually had Vick. Vick would have meant that last season when Carson hurt his thumb, it wouldn't have been necessary for him to play while hurt down the stretch when a playoff berth was all but guaranteed. Furthermore, the dual rushing threat of Vick and Benson (and Leonard and Scott, really) would have been fascinating.

This season, I would just love to have a decent backup to light a fire under Carson Palmer's ass. He obviously will never get benched for his brother, and post-training camp pickup Dan LeFevour is obviously a development project at best. In these games where Palmer is throwing multiple interceptions or losing multiple fumbles, wouldn't it be nice to see Vick coming in?

Having Vick would have also meant a somewhat different draft philosophy. The Bengals wouldn't have needed Jermaine Gresham with a scrambling QB, as that inside option is typically a dump off for quarterbacks who can't run for first downs. Cincinnati could have possibly targeted an offensive lineman in the first round (which they really, really need). I've grown to like Gresham after initially thinking it was a wasted draft pick, but a dominate O-lineman (like Andre Smith was supposed to be) is a bigger need right now.

Maybe the Bengals can pick up Vick in free agency next season while they continue to develop LeFevour. Paying Carson $11.5 million next season is starting to seem foolish, while Vick is playing better than ever when he isn't hurt.

Mavericks Media Day = Dirk Getting Really Excited About Cooking

2010-09-29T14:46:00.000-07:00

Whoa...

A New Dank Game Rivalry Is Upon Us...

2010-09-23T20:06:00.000-07:00

And it features Dank Game's top two teams from the "Who We Rep" sidebar. I thought the Thunder/Heat Dank Game rivalry was going to be legendary, but it looks like the Wade/Lebron vs. T. Ocho rivalry could be even better. I find it funny that Chris Bosh is completely left out. Maybe Bosh could be included by getting Carson involved. I'm guessing he could ball, right? Hmmm, on second thought, maybe not so much. Perhaps hoops is more of Jordan Palmer's thing. Y'know, the more I think about it, I'm starting to think Jordan wouldn't be all that great either. I think the Palmer brothers are off the hook on this one. But maybe Marvin Lewis got game?

While I'm at it, here's a clip of T.O. throwing down an oop at Rucker Park followed by some guy appropriately named Miles High dunking on him.

I guess Ochocinco Could Be a WWE Nick Name

2010-09-10T15:02:00.000-07:00

Guess who's appearing in an upcoming WWE event? If you guessed Ron Artest, you ain't even close.

That's right, Ochocinco will be making a guest appearance at the WWE's Monday Night Raw at US Bank Arena, according to the Cincinnati Enquirer. Says the WWE's website, "when Raw rolls into his home turf of Cincinnati, Ohio, Ochocinco will be on hand to soak up all the action." Couldn't have said it better myself.

As pro wrestling is by far the craziest "sport" in the country, this is major points for Chad against Ron Artest in the ongoing Dank Game insanity wars. After appearing in the cereal aisle in the grocery store I didn't think Chad could find crazier cohorts. But I hadn't thought of the WWE, home of such lunatics as the cast to the immediate left.

After thinking about pro wrestling for much longer than I ordinarily would, I started to wonder to what Chad would look like if he was a WWE Wrestler. I even planned on doing some Photoshopping for this post. Then I quite randomly stumbled upon this picture of a wrestler known as Big Daddy V. Question answered, Photoshop not required.:

Another [insert vulgarity] TV Show for Chad

2010-09-08T15:13:00.000-07:00

Well Chad Ochocinco has another damn TV show. This is some sort of sports talk show he will co-host with teammate Terrell Owens. It's name?

The T.Ocho Show, of course!

Chad sort of describes it as being like ESPN's Pardon the Interruption, but "a lot more raw." Apparently so raw, the two also need an on-air mediator to keep things together.

According to an interview with Chad on FanHouse.com, the two will spend a half an hour a week discussing current sports topics (and probably totally random other stuff) on Versus. The show begins October 12th, but fans can get a sneak peak on September seventh on "The Daily Line." Oh that was yesterday? Well how about that, it's already on YouTube:

If you include two season of NFL football, in a 15 month span Chad has been on six different TV shows (Hard Knocks, 2009 NFL season, Dancing With the Stars, Ultimate Catch, 2010 NFL season & T.Ocho Show).

Honestly Chad, I love you and all, but there's definitely such a thing as spending too much time together.

In an unrelated story, Ron Artest still can't get his sorry ass TV show on the air.

PBS

2010-09-07T18:15:00.001-07:00

So I know this song's been around since probably June or July, but I feel like not enough people are talking about it. Sure, there's no real dance to go with it, but why isn't it a national phenomenon yet? I only just discovered the music videos. I'm assuming this one came first:

Then I imagine after posting this to YouTube, it was decided the video was not no homo enough, so they shot this one:

Jeezy and Gucci probably did the beat more justice (I mean it's mean), but Soulja Boy Tell 'Em just writes what he knows, which I guess is, what, dances? I don't know. Some good YouTube comments on that first one ("Sounds like the disabled kid in malcolm in the middle").

Doushmandzadeh

2010-09-06T09:41:00.000-07:00

After being released by the Seattle Seahawks there was a great deal of speculation about where former Bengals receiver TJ Houshmandzadeh would wind up. A return to Cincinnati was seen as a possibilty, although not particularly likely. There were rumors he'd go to Minnesota, the third team courting him in free agency last offseason. The Browns and Jets were listed as teams possibly targeting the talented malcontent. Last night the Raiders and the Redskins were supposedly the front runners for TJ's services.

But no. Housh signed with the Baltimore Ravens, Cincinnati's chief rival for the division crown in 2010. It was bad enough when Baltimore had former Bengals kicker Shayne "Where-da-party-at" Graham on their roster (who they eventually sent packing), but TJ

Housh was a hero in Cincinnati from 2005-2007, a starting wide receiver in what at the time was on the league's premier duos. It just isn't right to have to see him in the uniform of a division rival. Seeing him in a Seahawks jersey was one thing, and I even could have tolerated the Brown's signing him. But when Housh makes his return to Cincinnati with the Ravens week two, get ready for some loud booing.

Bengals, Bearcats and even the Redlegs

2010-09-05T07:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a monster day in Cincinnati sports. The Bengals had to whittle down their rosters while keeping an eye on the waiver wire and possible trades. The Bearcats played their first game under new head coach Butch Jones, Former coach Brian Kelly coached his first game with the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, and the Reds were smack in middle of their final series against arch-rival St. Louis Cardinals.

Let's start with the Bengals: our boys in stripes made some surprising roster moves, but started the day with more obvious ones. Thanks to Twitter, this year fans were able to see in close to real time the actual order players were released, which was a good distraction during extremely non-competitive afternoon SEC football games. First to go were WR Matt Jones (18), K Dave Rayner and a rookie whom they clearly hope will be one their practice squad, WR Dezmon Briscoe.

Next on the chopping block was S Kyries Hebert, OT Issac Sowells and S Marvin White. Hebert thus far was the only cut you could call a surprise, though no one could truly have been happy with Cincinnati's depth at safety.

DT Clinton McDonald, a practice squad member last season, OG Otis Hudson, a likely practice squad member this year, and rookie free agent linebacker Vincent "Sister" Rey were the next non-suprise cuts. Meanwhile, long time Bengals linebacker Abdul Hodge (52) - a solid special teams player and backup, became the biggest surprise cut yet of the day.

The Bengals quickly made a bigger splash by releasing 2nd year TE Chase Coffman, instead keeping TE Dan Coats. Coffman had appeared to make big strides this preseason, but the team apparently felt he was redundant after drafting TE Jermaine Gresham. Their has been some debate about whether or not Coffman, inactive or on injured reserve for every game last season, is eligible for the practice squad.

The Bengals had several more cuts to make, including TE Darrius Hill, RB James Johnson, WR Maurice Purify, OT Gabriel Manns, S Jeromy Miles, OT Chris Rodgers and CB Johnny Sears. Several of these guys will probably fill out Cincinnati's practice squad.

The Bengals had a few last tricks up their sleeves, however. First they released S Rico Murray, leaving them with only three safeties, then let go of both FB Joe Tronzo and put FB Fui Vakapuna on IR, leaving them without a fullback. Cincinnati immediately turned around and traded 6th cornerback David Jones to Jacksonville for safety Reggie Nelson (pictured left). Now word has it they are looking to pick up a new backup quarterback and some kind of fullback. Overall, I'm pretty happy with how things shook out, even with Dan Coats on the team.

***

Moving on to the Bearcats - they're not going to be particularly good this year, so this is perhaps the last you'll hear about them 'round these parts unless Perkins, Sean or Mr. Maybe have different plans.

***

Speaking of Mr. Maybe, he just scribed what I believe is Dank Game's first Reds post. Officially Dank Game does not like baseball, but I was a big Reds fan from ages 10-13, so seeing them make a competent run towards the post season for the first time since I was ages 10-13 is somewhat nostalgic for me. If you move Barry Larkin over to 2nd base you've kind of got Brandon Phillips and if you take the specs off Sabo you've kind of got Scott Rolen, right?

Well anyway, I watched a good chunk of yesterday's Reds game flipping between it and Brian Kelly's Fighting Irish, a bittersweet combination to be sure. But I've seen the Cuban Missile Crisis and I've been converted. He threw something like ten pitches in one inning over 100 MPH. Nasty!

Who Dey Think Gonna Play 4 Dem Bengals?

2010-09-03T17:30:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is cut down day for the entire NFL. By 6:00 pm tomorrow the Bengals have to pare down their 75 player roster into only 53.

This may be the most promising Bengal's season of my lifetime, as the Bengals have actually enjoyed quality play at all starting positions, with the only real roster battles at back up and special team positions. What this tells you is that for once the Bengals are returning a starting roster that is actually talented (minus a few key pieces who've been replaced by reasonably sound free agent pickups, cough cough, TO).

So what Bengals can we look forward to watching on the bench this season and which can we mournfully send packing?

TE Dan Coats (86) vs. FB Joe Tronzo: Fui Vakapuna seems like an extended longshot to make the squad after missing the entire preseason with a shoulder injury. Tronzo, an undrafted rookie, has played well in his place, but Coats has a few years experience and the "versatility" to play tight end and fullback. It's highly unlikely both guys will make the squad, but I'm pulling for Tronzo. He'll almost certainly be on the practice squad if he doesn't make the team.

WR Jerome Simpson vs. WR Dezmon Briscoe: Since Cosby announced via Twitter that he has been informed he has made the squad, presumably only one WR spot remains open. Since nobody really thinks Matt Jones or Maurice Purify are going to make the team, it's down to the rookie Briscoe or the as of yet unproven Simpson. Since Simpson has finally started playing special teams, he'll probably make the team. Briscoe absolutely will make the practice squad if another team does not claim him however.

DL Pat Sims vs. DL Frostee Rucker (92): Rucker has more versatility on the defensive line, but Sims has been more consistant, starting a few games in place of Tank Johnson. Rucker has also spent much of his Bengal's career injured. Most would assume Sims makes the team over Rucker, but the "Snowman" has always seemed to be a Marvin Lewis favorite. Either could make it as a backup with another team, and one of them will probably get the chance.

S Kyries Hebert vs. S Rico Murray: This one's kind of a no win. Hebert is a great special teams player, but clearly not a great option at safety. Murray isn't spinning anyone's head himself. Safety is possibly the weakest position on the roster, so hopefully both guys are cut in favor of a better free agent cut from another team. Otherwise, I would think Hebert has the slight edge.

QB Jordan Palmer vs. QB Carson Palmer: There's only room for one Palmer brother on this team. Can Jordan oust Carson? Just wondered if anyone was still reading this.

Oh, it's kind of sad. I'm probably talking about some of these players for the last time.

Cuban Missile

2010-09-03T05:47:00.000-07:00

As we all know right now is one of the most boring times of the year in sports. Basketball has been long gone, world cup is over, and NFL preseason is pretty much bullshit but it is good just to see the pigskin on the teevee. Which leaves baseball. Now I'm not as much as a baseball hater as some of the other dank gamers, and this year has been pretty exciting for the queen city. (well as exciting as baseball can get. )

So the reds are currently 8 fucking games ahead in first going into our series with the cardinals, the number 2 spot. But what's worth writing about is Aroldis Chapman, the Cuban Missile. This 22 year old cuban defector came into Tuesdays nights game to pitch a perfect inning. I've been waiting all year for this kid to be called up from the minor leagues and I was actually at that game but happened to leave right before he came out. The weekend before he played in the minors he was clocked at a 105 mph fastball. In the game he hit 103. This kid is insane with a 87 mph slider. With 28 games to go until the World Series begins the Cuban Missile might be the one to give this city a much needed trophy.

Hank Snow

2010-08-25T20:40:00.000-07:00

So I've been on a country kick lately, as I am every so often. While in the past it's been all about Hank Williams, Lefty Frizzell, or Jimmie Rodgers, this kick's been all about the other great Hank of country, Hank Snow (not to be confused with Al Snow). While normally I'm pretty against Canadians in country music (see Shania Twain) Snow's just got one of those voices built for it. On top of that, he's a snappy dresser. Rather than get real analytical, I'm just gonna post YouTube videos. Just look at how fun TV used to be. Also, on second thought, "You're Still the One" is pretty good I guess.

Crazy Enough for Breakfast Cereal

2010-08-24T15:09:00.000-07:00

I'm going to start off by saying, this is an actual product. Ochocinco has a breakfast cereal, naturally enough named "OchocincO's!

It will be available at the Newport, KY Kroger Marketplace Store and online according to Sports Business Digest. The cereal was manufactured by PLB Sports who apparently made a Terrell Owens themed breakfast cereal last year for the ever elusive Buffalo market.

This finally gives Ochocinco the edge he needs to get back into the Ron Artest insanity race. Artest's perfectly reasonable victory lap after finally earning an NBA title has given Chad ample time to make up ground. He may have started to do so with The Ultimate Catch and numerous nonsensical Batman references, but this may prove to be the coup d'etat.

How, you ask, can an endorsement deal make Chad crazier? Well, if this were a sports drink or a sneaker it simply couldn't. But this is breakfast cereal, where America's most insane creations meet to try and woo unsuspecting children to eat ever more sugary treats.

Let's take a quick look at Chad's company in the cereal aisle: Toucan Sam, Lucky the Leprechaun, Count Chocula, Captain Crunch, the Trix Rabbit, Snap, Crackle, Pop and Sunny the Cuckoo Bird (who is advertised specifically as being "co-co for Cocoa Puffs" mind you). And if you branch out to other breakfast foods you can throw in Mrs. Butterworth and Poppin' Fresh AKA the Pillsbury Doughboy. It's quite simply the most insane collection of characters ever assembled, and Ochocinco is now proudly part of it

Ron Artest, your days are numbered!

*as a final thought, do you like how instead of licensing the Bengals' jersey they just made a really shitty imitation.

**final final thought - does this put Chad in direct competition with Tony the Tiger as far as striped cereal mascots?

There's Basketball on Television Again!

2010-08-23T15:15:00.000-07:00

Last night after playing some hoops, I was flipping through channels and stumbled across a replay of the FIBA exhibition game between USA and Spain. Luckily, I had yet to check my usual basketball websites so I was unaware of the outcome. It turned out to be a super entertaining game and has got me pumped to tune into future FIBA games. Here's some of my observations:

Spain Has Got Some Ballers

Spain is obviously the biggest threat to USA's basketball supremacy. They came close to beating the Redeem Team in the '08 Olympics, which is a game I have still yet to watch. Apparently Chauncey Billups hasn't either, so that makes me feel a little better.

Ricky Rubio's court vision is certainly not all hype. He made some creative passes in transition, and the Pistol Pete comparisons are certainly justified. He's also very disruptive with his length on defense. Former Memphis Grizzly Juan Carlos Navarro was also impressive. He appears to be Spain's go-to offensive weapon, especially during crunch time. I wish he would have stuck around in the NBA, but there's just as much money to be made in Europe so I can't say I blame him for choosing Europe over the US. Marc Gasol played a decent game, but it was also really interesting to see some Spanish players who have never played in the NBA, like Fran Vazquez and Felipe Reyes.

Team USA Was Inconsistent Yet Exciting

Besides Durant, who had an excellent all around game, many of USA's players were making some really great plays but following them up with really stupid plays. For instance, Stephen Curry at one point crossed over Ricky Rubio and finished with a beautiful floater and shortly thereafter stole it from Rubio and finished with a reverse layup on the break. Soon after though, he committed a turnover and missed a jumper on consecutive possessions. Andre Iguodala was making plays but struggled shooting. Russell Westbrook missed a fastbreak dunk after getting a steal early in the game, but redeemed himself with a nice drive and a behind the back pass to Durant on the break. Derrick Rose had flashes of brilliance, especially down the stretch, but also turned it over five times.

Overall, Team USA seems impressive in transition but they still need time to mesh as a team and adjust to the international rules, as there were several travels called throughout the game.

Lamar Odom and Chauncey Billups provide veteran leadership, but Durant is clearly the leader with Derrick Rose playing second fiddle. KD was brilliant on offense and had two crucial blocks at the end of the game, including one on Rudy Fernandez as time expired.

Props to Coach K

Mike Krzyzewski deserves plenty of credit for this win, as he switched to zone during Spain's final possession of the game. Spain wanted to run the pick and roll with Navarro, so Coach K switched it up after running man-to-man for almost the entire game. Spain's Fran Vasquez said that they weren't surprised by the move, but it did prove to be a decision that affected the outcome of the game. With that said, Durant deserves the bulk of the credit for his stifling D on Fernandez.

Also Worth Noting

Durant and Marc Gasol exchanged words at one point during the game, which is something I'm not used to seeing from either of those players. Maybe there's a chance that Nenad Krstic will have the opportunity to throw chairs in KD's defense after all.

They kept running some awful chocolate milk ad with Chris Bosh and some woman Olympic athlete. There's a close-up of Bosh talking about the benefits of chocolate milk, and this woman keeps popping up next to him to fill in certain words and phrases. When the camera cuts to a wide shot, it's revealed that he's soooo tall that she has to jump on a trampoline to reach his height. It's a piss poor concept to begin with and Chris Bosh doesn't help, as he has the personality of a rock.

Ochocinco Drops His Ultimate Catch

2010-08-23T09:29:00.001-07:00

In a story that should surprise NO ONE, reality TV star Chad Ochocinco is no longer with whichever slut won his bracket-style dating show Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch.

Apparently he is now dating another VH1 reality star, Evelyn Lozada of Basketball Wives. I'm not really sure how if she's a basketball wife she's dating Chad, but I'd much rather assume she got divorced or something than investigate yet another terrible VH1 reality program.

According to TMZ (eww!) VH1 is "pissed at Ochocino about the relationship," as Ultimate Catch does not wrap up it's season for another few weeks. Apparently it is a "spoiler" that Chad does not stay with the girl he picks. I'm not aware of any successful relationship being started by a reality dating show, and I sincerely doubt anyone watching Ultimate Catch actually gives a damn about Chad's relationship. Clearly they're tuned in for either Chad's personality, really slutty girls making incredible asses of themselves, or both.

Anyway, let's hope VH1's alleged ire at Ocho is enough to prevent a second season of Ultimate Catch from coming to fruition. I can't take it anymore!

Preseason Week 2 Heroes and Villains

2010-08-21T09:29:00.000-07:00

I present another edition of Preseason Heroes and Villains. Sorry to have disappointed last week, but I was unable to watch the game and writing one of these based solely on highlights is just pointless.

Before I get into the whole song a dance, I'd like to point out that for a third straight week a Bengals preseason game was nationally broadcast. The HOF Game was on NBC, the Denver "Tebow" game was on NFL Network and last night's game against the Eagles was on FOX. No more Bengals games will be on national TV, but it's fascinating that out of five preseason games, three were seen by a national audience. Only three regular season games are slated for primetime for the Bengals this season, so their preseason popularity is odd. I suppose the Tebow debut and the last minute TO signing had a lot to do with it though.

About TO - I would make him a hero, but I've got a lot already. Basically he's doing exactly what he's expected to do (get open downfield and catch the ball) which is good because L. Coles never could last season.

Alright, we'll start with the bad:

Villains

QB J.T. O'Sullivan - The guy just does not have a great deal of consistency or accuracy. The start of the third quarter was horrendous offensively. He did get things going a little bit at the end of quarter, but a missed field goal kept his efforts off the score board.

K Dave Rayner - Speaking of the missed field goal, come on! It was only from about 35 yards. Rayner supposedly had the edge over oft-injured Mike Nugent, but missing from so close probably evens the battle. It would be nice to have a dependable kicker (like Philly - Akers never missed). I wouldn't be surprised if the Bengals signed a kicker off the waiver wire in the final cut down days.

QB Carson Palmer - I'm kind of short on villains, otherwise I wouldn't lump him in here. But he did throw two interceptions, the first of which was especially ugly. The larger beef in my mind is that despite spurts of activity, Carson could not maintain drives. I don't think the Bengals first team offense ever went three and out, but picking up one first down then punting doesn't do a lot for you.

OT Andre Smith - Well he certainly looked like he'd only been practicing for a few days. Two holding penalties, one false start, one sack allowed, several pressures allowed. Smith needs to clean up his performance quickly or we'll have to rely on Dennis Roland again who is actually worse than Smith even when Smith's conditioning isn't great.

Heroes

OT Andre Smith (again) - There was talk at one point of him going to the PUP list and missing the first six games of the season. So the mere fact he's on the field so early is extremely encouraging. He entered the game midway through the second quarter, and played into the fourth, a good amount of playing time. And Scott's TD run did come on Smith's side of the line. He's doing some things right, and if we can get half of his potential the O-line will be OK.

FB Joe Tronzo - It looks like Fui Vakapuna might lose a training camp battle to an undrafted rookie for the second straight season. Tronzo has started two games in place of Fui, and has looked damn good. He also set a key block in the Scott TD run, as well as several good Benson gains (he is a fullback, so maybe setting blocks for running backs shouldn't be so surprising). I've also seen Tronzo catch a couple passes, which Jeremi Johnson never seemed capable of. More impressively, Tronzo played the entire game - he started and he was still in with the third unit.

RB Cedric Benson - As a receiver! He got stuffed at the line several times despite otherwise fine runs. But a knock at Benson has been his lack of contribution as a receiver. But against the Eagles Benson showed promise, catching several passes from Palmer and turning it up field for respectable gains. Concerns about Brian Leonard's injury absence can be partly silenced with competent third down play from Benson.

CB/PR/KR Adam "Frogger" Jones - He doesn't want to be called Pacman anymore, but I like video games nicknames, so I'll call Adam "Donkey Kong" Jones a wide variety of classic video game characters until I run out or stop caring. But "Space Invader" Jones (I kind of like that one) did return several punts and even a kickoff, and all were at least for respectable returns. He also isn't a total liability in coverage, and looks to be an upgrade over last years biggest weakness: nickel cornerback.

DT Geno Atkins (97) - three preseason games, three and a half sacks! He took down Mike Vick, the quickest, most elusive quarterback in football. As a fourth round pick, Atkins thus far looks to be a steal.

CB Morgan Trent - three interceptions in one game. I thought the cornerback battle was basically over, but Trent just made a big case for a roster spot.

Ah hell, just about everybody played well. It looks like we lost offseason acquisition safey Gibril Wilson for the year though. It also looks more and more like we'll have to say goodbye to WR/PR Quan Cosby as Adam "Centipede" Jones and Jordan Shipley are gifted kick and punt returners in their own right, with higher value at other positions. I'm sure Cosby and his 11 yard punt return average will land somewhere, but I hope like hell it isn't Pittsburgh.

Investment Opportunity

2010-08-20T21:07:00.000-07:00

Wow.

Sometimes money just stares you in the face. I'll ask you all to observe this promotional video for the "Shake Weight:"

Alright. I'm sure this thing does get you "ripped" (and based on the ad, really really gay). And I'm not claiming that you can make any money simply by getting into shape (you can't.)

But if you have a brain in your head (which the faggots demonstrating the Shake-Weight obviously do not), you can tell this product is bull shit. Thought it may very well help you get in shape, it obviously will cause Carpel Tunnel Syndrome. I mean, if computer video games can cause this nerve disorder, then a product that's only purpose it to shake the shit out of your wrist is bound to.

So my advice (I have no degree in economics, law, medicine nor physical education; I just happen to be among the slim portion of Americans who aren't retarded) is to buy a Shake Weight. And use it. It couldn't possibly take but five years before the class action lawsuit arrives. If typing can give you Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, the Shake Weight likely only accelerates the process.

And let's face it - if you're taking advice from a website called Dank-Game.Blogspot.com, you weren't going to make any money in the meantime anyway.

Shake Weight is your future!

OKC's Nenad Krstic Gets All WWF on Greece

2010-08-20T07:39:00.000-07:00

The Thunder's Nenad Krstic has never seemed like much of a violent guy. In fact, he would probably benefit from playing with some more aggression on the basketball court. In a recent exhibition game with his native Serbia going up against Greece, Krstic showed that he is willing to mix it up, but he didn't show it by setting hard screens or banging on defense in the paint. When a scuffle broke out in the middle of the game, Nenad showed that he is willing to ride out for his fellow countrymen as he threw several punches, stomped on a fallen player for Greece and even threw a chair all WWF-style.

It kind of makes sense now that he hasn't shown much of a mean streak in the past, as Krstic seems absolutely clueless of how to throw a punch. Not that I'm much of a scrapper, but I at least know to punch with my knuckles rather than the soft bottom of my fist. Nenad looks more like he's playing Whac-A-Mole with his fists than he does fighting.

I think the real question here is whether Nenad is willing to get violent like this in defense of his OKC brethren. I really can't imagine Durant, Westbrook or any other member of the Thunder getting in a fight so we'll probably never know.

Nike Twilight Runner (Fall 2010)

2010-08-19T16:55:00.001-07:00

Another slick runner from Nike. Not too sure about the background of this shoe, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna do any research. What am I, a journalist? Needless to say, these are d-d-dope. Colorway is pretty perfect, materials (ripstop, leather, nylon) are durable for the upcoming Fall season. It's a winner. Out now. Availability is limited to select accounts.

Via hypebeast

[Indoor Practice] Field of Dreams

2010-08-19T11:40:00.000-07:00

If you build it, they will come ... and stay.

Last season the Bengals' lack of an indoor practice facility became a public issue when the team embarrassingly had to travel 20+ miles up to Mason to use an indoor soccer field. Blogs like WhoDeyRevolution.com have noted for some time that Cincinnati is the Northernmost NFL team to not have such a facility, and given that football is played into December (if not January and February, knock on wood) it should be a no-brainer that inclement winter weather will interrupt practice sometimes in Southern Ohio. It is simply pathetic to take a team by bus to a soccer field. This is one of many reasons why Cincinnati has a long standing issue getting free agents to want to play for the Bengals.

Fast forward to 2010 and we find Head Coach Marvin Lewis in the final year of his contract after eight years with the team. It is no easy task to make the Mike Brown run Bengals into a success [see: 1991-2002] so anyone who thinks Lewis isn't crucial is dreaming.

But for once the chips are not on Mike Brown's side of the table. After a surprise 2010 playoff appearance and division championship, Lewis is in a position to make demands. Brown is a notoriously private owner, refusing to comment on negotiations with Lewis except to assure that they are ongoing. However it is widely assumed that Lewis would like more control over personnel decisions, if not the hiring of a General Manager not named Brown or Blackburn.

One nugget of negotiation that has emerged however (via James Walker of ESPN - the only ESPN journalist who has any clue about the Bengals) is that "an indoor practice facility appears to be one point of contention between Bengals ownership and . . . Lewis."

So the situation is eerily similar to the movie Field of Dreams. Mike Brown wants to honor his sports figure father's legacy (Paul Brown). He catches wind that good things will happen if he builds a field (the indoor practice facility). And if he builds it, they will come (good free agents, coaches, etc).

More accurately, if he builds it, he will stay. Surely Lewis will want more than just the indoor facility, but it would be an excellent start. Even if Lewis does not stay with the Bengals beyond the 2010 season, this is a step that still serves the long term interests of the team. Especially if the salary cap does not come back after this season, the Bengals will need to do everything they can to lure talent to remain competitive as one of the smaller market teams.

Enough useless talk already; Mike Brown, please just build the damn indoor practice field (of dreams).

Throwback Posterization: Drexler Dunks on Sean Elliot

2010-08-19T10:31:00.000-07:00

This week's Throwback Posterization features Clyde "The Glide" Drexler dunking over the Spurs' Sean Elliot, who was a favorite of mine growing up. From what I hear, he's an awful commentator these days like so many other former players... I'm looking in your direction, Reggie Miller. I'm not sure what year this is from but it has to be sometime after 1995 when Clyde was traded midseason by the Blazers to the Rockets. If this was indeed the '95 season, the Rockets would go onto defeat the Spurs in the Western Conference Finals as Hakeem Olajuwon schooled MVP David Robinson.

Ok, onto the dunk. Terry Cummings gets trapped under the basket by Olajuwon and company, forcing him to make a bad pass that Kenny "The Jet" Smith picks off. While the Spurs struggle to get back on defense, Smith takes the ball up court and makes a nice bounce pass to Drexler trailing on the wing. Sean Elliot tries to draw the charge but Drexler goes up and throws it down hard, causing both players to fall to the floor.

A Belated OKC perspective on "The Decision"

2010-08-18T11:49:00.000-07:00

I'm not here to lampoon LeBron James and his ludicrus "The Decision" ESPN special. Dank Game, among many, many others, has done that plenty already.

Instead I've allowed a little time to pass, hopefully instilling reason into my OKC-themed reaction. So here it goes:

Kevin Durant will be the 2010-11 NBA MVP. And the runner-up will probably be Kobe Bryant.

Here's why:

James won MVP honors as the defacto leader of a Cavaliers team built around him. And it is a regular season award, so any talk of him not truly stepping up in the playoffs is inconsequential. LeBron was the undisputed focus of the team that won the most regular season ball games in the NBA in the 2009-10 season.

And the runner up was Kevin Durant, from the somewhat more team-oriented Oklahoma City Thunder. OKC was only able to muster an 8th seed in a crowded Western Conference, but coming off a truly bad debut season for the OKC franchise the year before, Durant quickly reestablished himself as a young superstar. He cemented this status by supplanting James as the NBA scoring leader and again winning the All-Star weekend HORSE competition (I know nobody cares about that, but I love mentioning it).

So now, with the "Three Headed Monster" in Miami, how can James (or Wade and Bosh for that matter) truly put up MVP stats? LeBron's points per game will almost have to go down, as the offense will no longer depend on him nearly every possession; the days of him playing point-forward should be over. Although his post-season aspirations should benefit as a result of this, the fact remains James is no longer the heart and soul of his team.

But Durant is. And unless Kobe has a season that makes him look a decade younger, Durant should easily be able to repeat as scoring champion. With the Lakers getting another year older, the window is opening for the Thunder, and I definitely see them enough games (55?) to put them in the top half of the West. That coupled with his prolific scoring ability will push Kevin Durant to an MVP season.

And Kobe, the likely runner-up, will have to watch as the West begins to slip away from his Lakers.

Funny Bengals Tweets - Training Camp Edition

2010-08-17T01:00:00.000-07:00

Twitter would indicate that the Bengals are enjoying training camp in Georgetown, KY. Although we don't have Hard Knocks in G-Town this year, the proof is in the funny tweets:

Defensive tackle Tank Johnson (TankJohnson99) finds Georgetown, Kentucky amusing, but training camp exhausting:

Saw a chick wit one tooth and a tongue ring in long john silver today! Justa clickin that thang against dat 1 tooth! #ahhgeorgetown so funny
Seriously considering driving from dorms to meetings! Its a 45 second walk and a 1 min drive!

Punt Returner Quan Cosby (Cosby12) is a man who doesn't mind having his sleep interrupted and likes crappy game shows:

Oh and I forgot to thank NFL drug testing for costing me an hr and a half of sleep this morning. God bless u! Haha
I dont think I can be beaten in family feud! I don't watch it very much but skills stay on point! Mind is a terrible thing to waste!

Cornerback Rico Murray (Mr513RicoMurray) has an opinion about teammate Chad Ochocinco and about the hardest working man in Georgetown:

The only thing that can't be stopped is that man's [Ochocinco's] mouth...
The most memorable person in Georgetown. the little Caesar guy who dances all day long..I thought my job was hard

New wide receiver Terrell Owens (terrellowens) also had an anecdote about Chad:

Chad is n his room playing FIFA by himself b/c no1 will play with him! Lol.

Chad (OGOchoCinco) got everyone back though:

Just finished my weight workout early as hell, no meetings till 10:15, i should wake players up in their dorm rooms with the blow horn
My vuvuzela came in handy early this morning, im sure i woke some folks up screaming gooolll and blowing my vuvuzela.

Linebacker Rey Maualuga (maualuga58) wishes for one night he could be somewhere else:

Wish I was going to the Rascall Flatts concert 2morrow. My favorite country band. #dontjudgeme

Rookie cornerback Brandon Ghee (BGhee) is growing up and giving culinary advice:

Chillin wit @GenoStacks [rookie defensive tackle Geno Atkins].....you know your getting old when you start arguing about taxes...ha ha
Bout to eat some chipotle. If you don't like chipotle it's something wrong with you

With training camp wrapped up, that's all the funny Bengals tweets for now.

Death Haunts This Team

2010-08-16T19:06:00.000-07:00

We've all heard the stories about last season's tragedies:

First Mike Zimmer tragically coming home to find his wife had died. Then the Samoan tsunami that affected the friends and families of Maualuga, Peko and Fanene (though fortunately none lost any relatives). And finally their teammate Chris Henry fatally falling out of the back of a truck. The 2009 Cincinnati Bengals season had something of a hex on it, although instead of losing games the team was losing something more precious.

Unfortunately for the franchise, the 2010 season is not starting out any differently. Shortly before the Bengals preseason home opener, 1988 Superbowl season hero running back Ickey Woods (creator of this celebration dance) tragically lost his son. Elbert Jovante Woods died three days after suffering a major asthma attack, and just days before he would have started his junior year of high school.

Paul Brown Stadium observed a moment of silence before Sunday's game against the Broncos. Much like the Bengals bounced back to dismantle the Ravens after Vicki Zimmer's death, Cincinnati pulled together to take down the Denver Broncos in an otherwise meaningless victory.

The real question is if it takes tragedy to propel this team, is winning even worth it? Let's all hope this is the last truly sad news coming out of the Bengals' camp for a while.

Throwback Posterization: Pippen Absolutely Destroys Ewing

2010-08-13T16:28:00.000-07:00

In honor of Scottie Pippen's induction to the Hall of Fame, this week's Throwback Posterizaation features one of the most famous posterizations of all time. This is from the second round of the 1994 NBA Playoffs, which was the Bulls' only playoff run without Michael Jordan between his first retirement and comeback. The third-seeded Bulls would fall to the second-seeded Knicks in seven games, and the Knicks would ultimately fall to the Rockets in the Finals in seven games. Game three of this series featured one of Pippen's most infamous moments in his career, when he refused to return to the game because Phil Jackson drew up the last shot for Toni Kukoc. Kukoc would hit the winning shot, but there wasn't much celebration due to the drama. It was a blemish on Pippen's otherwise stellar career.

Ok, onto the dunk. Horace Grant blocks a layup attempt by Derek Harper (I think) which sparks a fastbreak led by B.J. Armstrong. Armstrong sends a bounce pass across court to Pete Meyers, who immediately bounces it to Pippen. Pippen catches the pass and elevates over Ewing to throw down a vicious dunk. As Ewing falls to the floor, Pippen swipes at him as he comes down from the dunk. This would cost him a technical foul. After landing, Pippen defiantly walks over Ewing and stares him down. Pete Meyers tries to give Pippen a high five, but Scottie's just too fired up to bother. This dunk serves as a reminder of the physicality and intensity of '90s Playoff basketball.

Nike SB Dunk High "Tecate"

2010-08-11T15:34:00.001-07:00

This Nike SB Dunk quickstrike release is set to make its way to stores sometime this month. For some reason, this shoe's color scheme is inspired by the Mexican beer Tecate, which is the main reason I decided to post this. It just seemed a little bizarre to me, but then again, Nike did release another SB Dunk earlier this year that was inspired by, well, dank. Of course, that particular Dunk released on April 20th.

I'm usually not into shoes that use metallic materials in large doses, but something about that striped metallic gold against the red suede really catches my eye. The white outline on the red patent leather Swoosh is also a nice touch. Unfortunately, there's no word on when Nike will release the Modelo and Negra Modelo inspired Dunks, but The Most Interesting Man In The World has informed me that the Dos Equis colorway will see a quickstrike release next month.

More photos after the jump.

Chad Ochocinco Dickin' Around at Target

2010-08-09T20:05:00.000-07:00

While Teenage Mustache has been busy getting serious in writing about the Bengals, I'm picking up the slack on his lazy coverage of Ochocinco, who he once claimed was the craziest athlete in sports. I think 'Stache now realizes that Ron Artest is clearly more insane, and has all but waved the white flag with his recent lack of Ochocinco coverage. Even 'Stache admits that Chad's VH1 reality show disaster The Ultimate Catch is more stupid than it is insane. With that said, Ochocinco is still pretty amusing, if not all that crazy. And so, here are some photos of him dicking around at Target, complete with his own captions from Facebook.

My feet hurt so but they won't let me use the motorized scooter at target right now

Acting out the movie 300 with Nerf axes and a garbage pail top

Safety is key

ARod can't hit inside the aisles of Target

A true hole in one

Damn! I'm going to jail for trying to steal PADS, heavy absorbency 42 count for my homegirl Bon Qwee Qwee

Oh, He Mad Light Though

2010-08-09T16:05:00.000-07:00

So I realize this post might come off as a "ironic" in that oh-so-pejorative sort of way, but think what you like. Sean Paul is actually the shit.

He's been outta the light (get it?) for a bit now, but some people, namely me, really wish he'd come back. I mean do you remember 2003? Dude was everywhere. His album Dutty Rock is practically a greatest hits collection in and of itself. Check the tracklist here. The success he gained off that one album is pretty unreal, especially for a guy who's largely unintelligible. But the catchiness of the music is undeniable, and I'm glad it happened.

I think the last big hit dude had was "Temperature" which was back in '05 or some shit. It's been too long. Make more hits please.

Steve Carrell is Taking His Appetite to Outback Steakhouse

2010-08-09T14:12:00.000-07:00

Somehow I missed this parody of "The Decision" from the ESPYs featuring Steve Carell and Paul Rudd. I was skeptical at first, but it's actually pretty damn funny. Steve Carrell's former restaurant of choice, Chili's, has even responded to his decision with a scathing letter to its patrons typed in Comic Sans. Check out the letter after the jump.

HOF Game Heroes and Villians

2010-08-09T09:17:00.000-07:00

Hey, it's Dank Game's 400th post, right as football season is upon us! As we just celebrated our 1 year anniversary, I won't make a big deal about our latest milestone. But I think we'll have to do something for 500 posts, a la Eddie in Time Square, but better.

Anyway, I have to say the Hall of Fame Game last night could have put me in a better mood. It's still preseason and many starters barely played, but the team didn't truly look ready. In Coach Marvin Lewis' defense, the first preseason game usually comes after another full week of training camp. But either way, much needs to be worked on.

So let's get started with HOF Game Villians:

1. QBs J.T. O'Sullivan and Jordan Palmer - what was that? Those interceptions were pitiful. I realize that most NFL teams don't truly have a viable backup quarterback, but we have some of the worst. We're going to have a lot of problems should Carson go down to injury for any stretch. Which brings me to number two.

2. The Offensive Line (that's like 14 players) - As many feared, the Bengals pass protection looked unstable. None of the Bengals quarterbacks had much time to get the ball downfield, so I'll forgive a little bit of sloppy play from Carson and company. This unit is the biggest question mark on the team in my opinion, and I'm not encouraged by what I saw last night.

3. Tight End Daniel Coats - Every time Coats suits up in a Bengals uniform a little piece of my soul dies. Pray no other tight ends get hurt so he doesn't make the roster.

4. Cornerback Adam Jones (24) - He really didn't have that bad of a game, but he isn't quite ready to go against number one WRs again. Having been out of football for over a year, I think he'll be more ready to go by when the season starts. Won't it be nice when both Leon Hall and Jonathan Joseph start though?

***

It's important Bengals fans take something positive from this game. You might have missed some of this if you tuned out early (which most sensible people would have done).

HOF Game Heroes:

1. Defensive End/Linebacker Michael Johnson - Johnson played more of this game than I would have expected, and made the most of it. He had two sacks, and lined up in at least three different spots. This is the kind of stuff the Ravens do that people gush about. It's been said that he is poised to have a big year, and now we've seen why.

2. Wide Receiver/Punt Returner Jordan Shipley - Shipley didn't play much at wideout, although he had one decent third down catch that probably would have been for a first if it hadn't been thrown behind him. But he did break out a lengthy punt return to set up the Bengals lone score. It was in the fourth quarter against Cowboys scrubs, but even on his other punt returns he showed poise and confidence (unlike Adam Jones who bobbled a kickoff return). I like Quan Cosby, but the Bengals are suddenly deep with kick and punt returners and it's starting to look unlikely he'll make the team.

3. Defensive Tackle Geno Atkins - Geno was a fourth round pick, but he played liked a wiley veteran. He was going up against backups, but "Taz" (that's his actual nickname folks) consistently got pressure up the middle to hurry or sack the quarterback. If he can play well against starters, he'll become an important piece of the DT rotation.

4. Wide Receiver Matt Jones - Jordan Palmer found one reliable target, and an unlikely one at that. Matt Jones actually led the team in catches and yards, and would have added one more big chunk had he gotten his right foot down inbounds. He really does look slow, but he seems to actually have some talent at using his large body to get the ball. He also showed some surprising moves upfield. Most were certain he wouldn't make the team at this point, but he made a strong case for himself last night.

5. Wide Receiver Terrell Owens - TO was the only Bengals starter to catch a pass from Carson Palmer. He caught two. Questions about the ability of the two to get in sync can be temporarily silenced. And wasn't it weird to see Owens in a Bengals uniform?

I would joke and say it might have been more worth my time to watch the TO Show and Ultimate Catch last night instead of that dreadful, meaningless game (where the White Weapon got hurt - eek!), but who am I kidding.

Lost in the Reality Shuffle

2010-08-08T10:48:00.000-07:00

I wanted to post something about the Bengals today, given that preseason starts in mere hours. But I kind of ran the gamut on current Bengals stuff to talk about in my last few posts (minus Roseanne Barr National Anthem). But in the spirit of Who Dey, I will talk about Dhani Jones.

Dhani is the only Bengals player I've actually talked to, and it's no surprise why he was the first Bengal with his own reality show, Dhani Tackles the Globe. Jones is entertaining and engaging, and his show is actually considerably more watchable than either TO's or Chad's (including Dancing With the Stars).

OK, so I've only seen part of one episode a year ago. But I got the gist of it; Dhani goes to some non-US part of the world and learns and competes at a local sport. Usually it is something rough, like rugby or sumo wrestling or something. This description really does the show no justice, but I assure you once again that it is much better than the TO Show or Ultimate Catch.

For some reason, when Bengals reality TV shows are mentioned since the TO signing, which is frequently, DTtG rarely gets mentioned. And it's a shame, because it's totally the best one. I guess folks like VH1 better than the Travel Channel.

Anyway, the season starts in a couple of hours, so we can forget about the reality shows now. Yeah!

Nike Air Force 1 Hi Light Charcoal/White

2010-08-07T17:15:00.000-07:00

Sorry to bombard you with shoes all of a sudden, but I had to find something to post about in order to push down Teenage Butt Rash's throwaway post featuring Roseanne's horrendous rendition of the National Anthem. I guess it's sorta funny, but c'mon 'Stache, you're better than that.

Anyhow, I'm really feeling these charcoal grey nubuck Air Force 1s. These classic kicks always look real nice in a clean, simple colorway. This particular pair are quite possibly my favorite Air Force 1s I've ever seen, but I've always had a soft spot for grey shoes. For real though, it don't get much cleaner than this.

You can purchase these for a cool $100 at Nike Sportswear retailers and the Nice Kicks store in Austin, TX.

Size? X Nike Blazers Releasing Right In Time for Bengals Season

2010-08-07T16:48:00.000-07:00

UK retailer Size? will be releasing these fresh Nike Blazers later this month in a Cincinnati Bengals friendly colorway. I already got my Bengals-themed Air Max 90s ready for the season through Nike iD, so I think I'm gonna have to pass on these. There's also a third colorway that's mostly orange, but details on that pair's release are vague. I'm not crazy about Size?'s question mark logo replacing the usual NIKE on the back (picture after the jump), but otherwise I'm really feelin' these.

Props to the fine folks at Nice Kicks.

Roseanne Barr National Anthem

2010-08-06T17:57:00.001-07:00

Most Dank Game readers know that I refuse to be outdone by SlimMcDonalds. And although I can't actually top Marvin Gaye's rendition of the National Anthem in terms of musical quality and originality, I can top it in turns of overall entertainment value. Ladies and gentlemen, Roseanne Barr singing the National Anthem at a San Diego Padres game on July 26th 1990:

I know, I know - it's baseball. But it's still hilarious, and I don't totally hate baseball right now since the Reds are actually good this year.

Ready? Let's GO!

2010-08-06T08:27:00.000-07:00

Football begins anew this coming Sunday when our beloved Cincinnati Bengals fight the hated Dallas Cowboys at the Hall of Fame game in Canton, OH. The season kick-off is accompianied by lots of HOF ceremonies, including the induction of the new class. This year's inductees include WR Jerry Rice, RB Emmit Smith and former Bengals/Steelers coach and Lions CB Dick LeBeau.

Anyway, it's always one of the worst football games of the year, as it's essentially an extra preseason game for each team. But it's still our first chance to catch the tigers in action, and if they can knock pretty boy Tony Romo on his ass once, it'll be worth it.

Here are the 6 things Mustache is looking forward to seeing this Sunday:

1. RB Bernard Scott - His name keeps getting dropped as a second year player to watch. He had a pretty solid rookie outing, with a hundred yard game against the Raiders and a kickoff return for touchdown against the Steelers. So if as the Bengals "change-0f-pace-back" and kick returner he is poised to have an even bigger year, I for one am excited.

2. LB/DE Michael Johnson - Another name that is consistently mentioned as a potential break-out player, the 6-7 third round pick from last season is earning a solid reputation. The team is actually moving him to a new position, linebacker, and despite the learning curve everyone seems to be impressed. It sounds like he could lead the team in sacks this season, even coming off the bench.

3. TE Jermaine Gresham - Finally in camp, everyone is excited to see what Gresham can add to this team. I'd put him higher, but given that he's only been practicing with the team for a few days it's unlikely he'll do much. We'll see though.

4. The Offensive Line - I'm not so much eager as nervous to watch this unit. The OL got a lot of praise last season for exceeding expectations, but that's because they were so low after the miserable 2008 campaign. In my opinion, this is the team's biggest weakness. OT Andre Smith, first round pick from last year, won't be playing, but let's hope the line can block without him. We'll probably have to get used to that scenario.

5. Wide Receiver Battle - there an enormous logjam at the WR position in Cincinnati, and from the sound of it everyone is bringing their A-game. Given that the first team usually only plays a few series in this somewhat meaningless game, the WRs on the roster bubble will likely play much of the game. Andre Caldwell and Jordan Shipley (11) are both practically locks to make the team, but it will be good to see Shipley in stripes for the first time as well as discovering if Caldwell is really "the most improved player" as Coach Lewis called him at one point. Also, Jerome Simpson has really been impressing, to the point where even national media (who trust me, don't really follow the Bengals closely) have noticed. Rookie Dezmon Briscoe (88), practice squad veteran Maurice Purify and free agent pick-up Matt Jones will also be showing their stuff, although I'm not sure any of those three will make the team. Oh, and there's this TO fellow!

6. Shit, who care what else. It's finally football season again (although the preseason is its own kind of torture). I just hope the game isn't hopelessly boring.

7 Reasons the Bengals Will Win the Superbowl This Year

2010-08-05T15:03:00.001-07:00

For serious this time!

This is as good a Bengals team as Mike Brown has ever put together in twenty years (20!!!) of being owner/general manager. If they don't get it done this year, they simply might never win the big one in Big Mikey's lifetime. And given the uncertainty of the salary cap and labor agreement beyond the current season, it's always possible the NFL turns into an MLB-style major market hell hole. No way will the Bengals compete for a championship in that environment - more likely they'd turn (back) into football's version of the Orioles/Pirates.

But cheer up, because this is the year Cincinnati gets it done. And here's why, in order:

1. Defensive Coordinator Mike Zimmer - How in the hell did we get this guy? A successful defensive coordinator in Dallas for over a decade, Zimmer got stuck in the implosion that was the post-Bad Newz Kennelz Atlanta Falcons. Cincinnati almost literally pulled a phoenix out of the ashes, and in two seasons Coach Zim turned one of the least respected units in football into the number four overall defense. Even more amazing, Mike Brown was actually able to re-sign him this offseason. There are whispers that Zimmer secretly holds the heir to the head coaching throne, as Marvin Lewis is not yet under contract beyond this season. The only (realistic) arrangement where I wouldn't be totally pissed if the Bengals lost Lewis is if they were to hand it over to Zimmer. Despite a schedule against most of the best offenses of last season, I still believe the Bengals defense will repeat their top five performance, and Zimmer is why.

2. Starting cornerbacks Jonathan Joseph and Leon Hall - These are the guys that allow the "Z-fence" to work. They are simply the best pair of cornerbacks in the NFL. Nobody is going to pass all over these two. 'Nuff said.

3. Running Backs Cedric Benson, Bernard Scott and Brian Leonard - With the TO signing and the Gresham and Shipley draft picks people aren't talking much about the Bengals running backs - but they should be. The trio is quite possible to best in the NFL, each offering a unique talent. Benson hit the mythical 100 yard mark in six games last season, adding a 100+ game in the postseason. Scott always seems ready to break off a run for a few dozen yards, and many whispers are coming out of camp that he is primed for a break through season. If he were to improve on his outstanding rookie season to the point where he "broke through" beyond that, we'd really be talking about a game changing player (I have to admit, I'm a big Scott fan). And then there's the White Weapon, Leonard, who simply wills the team to win.

4. Terrell Owens - He will not single-handedly improve the offense, but just him wanting to come here is a sign that this is a new era in Bengals football. The onus of the '90s is finally starting to disappear, and some people realize that the Bengals are no longer perpetually bad. At worst Owens is a slight upgrade over L. "I'm-not-even-going-to-try" Coles being that he is much bigger and taller. At best he is explosive enough to replace TJ Houshmandzadeh and Chris Henry, depending on where he lines up. TO will likely not lead the team in catches or yards, but his presence will allow multiple other players to have career years.

5. Jermaine Gresham - If Gresham is half of what he's advertised to be, third down will never be a problem for the Bengals. He's 6'-5" and quick as hell. But he's also quite strong, and unlike fellow tight end Chase Coffman has more natural potential to block. Given that Coffman is said to have made mighty strides in the offseason and with Reggie Kelly back healthy, the Bengals are suddenly somewhat strong at TE. But Gresham is the cream of the crop, and is expected to have an enormous impact even as a rookie.

6. Carson Palmer - Did everyone forget about our quarterback, the Heisman winning number one overall pick of the 2003 draft? Well, he's still good, if not fantastic. In the fantasy football era, people base quality of play on putting up video game numbers. Well, yes, Palmer has become more of a first-rate game manager than game changing canon-armed hot shot who had the entire team's success on his shoulder. But he won this team games when it really counted last year, and a much better offense is in place now. Even if he doesn't throw for 4,000+ yards, Palmer will win games for this team in 2010. Reports out of training camp are fairly good, and supposedly his full arm strength has finally returned after his 2008 elbow injury.

7. 2010 - It's the Year of the Tiger. It's in the fuckin' stars! Get excited people!

Oh Cleveland!

2010-08-05T08:23:00.001-07:00

Throwback Posterization: Shaq Throws Down Oop on Hakeem

2010-08-05T07:23:00.000-07:00

For this week's Throwback Posterization, I'm going with a classic alley oop by Shaq over Hakeem from the 1995 NBA Finals. I chose this particular posterization by Shaq because recently a typed letter has surfaced on the internet that Shaq left with Olajuwon after the Rockets swept the Magic in the Finals. In the letter, Shaq challenges Hakeem to one-on-one, which many are speculating was the launching pad for their classic Taco Bell Ads. I really hope that that's true, but regardless, it's a pretty amusing letter.

As I'm sure most of you have heard, this letter isn't the only reason that Shaq has been in the news. After courting team after team (San Antonio, Miami, Atlanta) to try to come to terms on a contract, the Boston Celtics have signed Shaq to a one-year deal for the veteran's minimum. This proves yet again that Danny Ainge isn't afraid to take risks with potential locker room cancers, as he signed Stephon Marbury and Rasheed Wallace in the past two seasons respectively. Shaq will join fellow washed-up-center-with-an-Irish-sounding-name Jermaine O'Neal, as the two provide an insurance policy for the injured Kendrick Perkins. We'll see how that works out.

Now, finally, onto the dunk. Shaq gets good position on Hakeem under the rim, and does his patent "black tornado" to free himself from Olajuwon. The ball handler on the perimeter (I can't figure out who it is) takes notice of Shaq getting open and tosses a perfect lob to O'Neal. Shaq finishes the oop strong, throwing it down right in Hakeem's face. Olajuwon tries to contest the dunk, but it's just too late by the time he goes up. It was a small victory for Shaq in a series that saw Olajuwon score over 30 points in all four games.

Marvin Gaye Sings the National Anthem at '83 NBA All-Star Game

2010-08-04T22:40:00.000-07:00

I read about this today in Bill Simmons' The Book of Basketball and decided that it needed to make its way onto Dank Game. This is the one and only Marvin Gaye performing the National Anthem for the 1983 NBA All-Star Game at The Forum in Los Angeles. It don't get much better than this.

Also, check out this Nike commercial that combines Marvin's performance with footage of the 2008 Men's USA Basketball National Team. Props to Mario Aguirre for the heads up on this one.

Going Favre Beyond the Call of Duty

2010-08-03T14:26:00.001-07:00

I complained several months ago that Brett Favre needed to add some new wrinkles to his offseason playbook. In that post, I posited that "Favre-watch" is one of the most interesting things to happen in the otherwise dull and football-less offseason. So far this offseason had been a bust for one of football's greatest entertainers, and needless to say we here at Dank Game were dissapointed. Well maybe Brett reads Dank Game, because in the last couple of weeks he came through in a big way!

The difficulty with this offseason was that Brett was still under contract with the Minnesota Vikings, the only team he was at all likely to play for in 2010. Unlike in 2008, when the Packers made it clear they were hoping he stayed retired, or in 2009 when the Jets drafted a first round rookie quarterback and a new head coach, Favre couldn't cook up interest based on where he'd play. And the sole notion of if he'll play is an old storyline now. He's been reliving it for about six straight years.

But if you thought Favre was done keeping us guessing, you were dead wrong.

It all started in April, at the Vikings voluntary mini-camp. No, of course Favre wasn't there - he doesn't even come to most of the mandatory team activities anymore. But according to ProFootBallTalk.com (via the Minneapolis Star-Tribune) each player who did show up found a fresh pair of Wranglers in their lockers from Brett himself. Still no word on what a bunch of young black dudes are going to do with Dad jeans.

Unfortunately Favre watch froze for a little while after Wrangler-gate, but the NBA playoffs kept us Dank Gamers engaged.

The next big sign that Favre was going to play came in June, when he had "minor" ankle surgery. The ankle had become his biggest excuse not to come back after he injured it against the Saints in the NFC Championship game. Now, surgery pretty clearly points to Favre coming back, but this is where the old man's flair for drama again flared up. According to ProFootballTalk, his surgeon, the renowned Dr. James Andrew, went on the record stating that Brett hadn't made up his mind. This was the only way a path to retirement could seem credible after elective surgery. Although certainly not Favre's most entertaining move, he managed to keep the drama alive.

But Favre learned something from this episode: the drama has become more credible and more exciting when other people around him are breaking the news. So in mid-July his agent, Bus Cook, stirred the pot with an interesting quote in Men's Journal, designed to make it look like he really doesn't know if Favre will play (via PFT):

Brett talked to goddamned Ed Werder at ESPN, says he needs ankle surgery. Now why did he do that?" Cook asked. "I've got [Brad] Childress calling. I've got reporters calling all damn morning. Goddammit, why does he have to be such a goddamned drama queen? Play, don't play, goddamn, people are getting sick of it. I'm getting sick of it!

Why does he have to talk to these people? What good does it do? Ed Werder at ESPN! What's he ever done for anybody other than say, 'Look, look, Mommy, I got this first, ain't I special?' You got problems with surgery, talk to your wife. Why talk to goddamned Ed Werder?

Pretty wild stuff. Agents don't usually bad mouth their own players!

Here's where Favre might have screwed up though. The media and fans clearly wanted confirmation of whether or not he planned to play. And they found it, when Deanna Favre renewed her membership to a health club in Minnesota last week. Even NFL.com posted that bit of gossip. Why would the Favres spend any time in Minneapolis if Brett weren't playing. Favre could not have been happy after an entire offseason of his antics were potentially jeopardized.

Favre blew the whole thing wide open today when a report surfaced that he began telling Vikings team officials he will not be returning for his 20th season. Conveniently, Minnesota's training camp began just days ago, so this news doesn't exactly give the Vikings many options. Well, you'd think if anyone was aware of such an annoucement, head coach Brad Childress, who has visited Favre in Mississippi several times in the past few months, would be the guy. However "Chilly," as Brett calls him, denied knowledge of such a statement from Camp Favre. Also denying having personally heard from Favre were his teammates, many of who according to this PFT article, still expect to see him back. Lastly, even "family sources" claimed that Favre has not actually made up his mind either way.

So what to make of this latest Favre brouhaha? Well, one place to look is the pocket book. Favre is due to make $13 million this season, but it's an uncapped year. So unlike in the past, there's no barrier to the maximum contract Favre could take on, even with the Vikings having one of the higher payrolls in the NFL. And unsurprisingly, the Vikings are reported to be willing to give Favre both more time and money.

I for once am going to take a less cynical view. I think Favre simply wants us to enjoy the offseason. He figures we have nothing better to do than check in on his 40-year old ass, and he's not totally wrong. He also seems to have a knack for pushing the drama to its climax at the best possibly time. Last week the story was all about getting first round draft picks under contract. So he bid his time until he knew he could get maximum coverage and maximum drama.

Most people, including myself believe Brett Favre will play football in 2010. But the uncertainty is certainly making the prospect more entertaining.

The Power of Pizza

2010-08-02T19:31:00.000-07:00

No wonder my views on nutrition are so out of whack. Also my views on bedazzled denim vests re: them being ok to wear in public. Although I still think tying your sweatshirt around your waist is a good idea sometimes. Shit gets hot.

Press Hop 2

2010-07-31T16:41:00.000-07:00

This is DJ Steve Porter's sequel to his internet sensation Press Hop. This is the same guy that did those annoying ass NBA commercials that were on during the end of last season and the Playoffs. It features some entertaining footage of Ochocinco dancing shirtless on Dancing With The Stars, but sadly it only has one tiny clip of Ron Artest saying "psychiatrist" which is spliced in with Allen Iverson bitching about coming off the bench. You would think that DJ Steve Porter would have been able to milk Artest's amazing NBA Finals post-game interviews to greater effect.

Could Delonte Heat Up Potential LA vs. Miami Rivalry?

2010-07-30T14:20:00.000-07:00

Rumor has it that the Lakers are close to acquiring Delonte West. Apparently LA had been trying to trade Sasha "The Machine" Vujacic and a draft pick for West to rid themselves of Vujacic's salary. West was traded to Minnesota on Tuesday and is expected to have his contract bought out by the Timberwolves, making him a free agent. If the Lakers can move Vujacic, sources say the Lakers will sign him.

This acquisition would be interesting for several reasons. First off, if the rumors about Delonte's affair with LeBron's mother Gloria James are indeed true, it will add a new layer to the potential rivalry between the Heat and the Lakers. Gloria James might be torn between who to support if the two teams end up meeting come next June.

Another reason this would be interesting is that the Lakers would have arguably the two most insane players in the NBA on one roster in Ron Artest and Delonte. West just recently pleaded guilty to traffic and weapons charges after having been pulled over on a three-wheeled motorcycle and found with a 9mm Beretta pistol, .357 Magnum and a Remington 870 in a guitar case back in September. He was sentenced to electronic monitoring, unsupervised probation, 40 hours of community service and psychological counseling. At this point, you might even say West is crazier then Artest.

Lastly, this acquisition would be interesting because it sets up a potential reality show for West if he winds up in Hollywood. Maybe it couldn't get off the ground until he's off probation, but the opportunity is there now that he's out of boring old Cleveland. I mean, who wouldn't want to watch Delonte rap in fast food drive-thrus on television. And if we're really lucky, maybe Artest and West could join forces to make a reality show of the NBA's craziest players. In fact, "Artest and West" would be a pretty good name for the show, although I do really like Artest's forthcoming reality show's name: "They Call Me Crazy."

Slim's Sneaker History

2010-07-30T08:59:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've written about kicks, as nothing new has really caught my eye enough to inspire a post. So I've decided to take a moment to let you in on how my sneaker obsession began. I'm sure you're just dying to know. I trace the obsession back to my days in the first grade, when my good friend Ryan, of Half Court Heave fame, moved in next door to the Mayfields on good ole Shuman Lane in Finneytown.

Up until this point, I had never owned a pair of Nike Airs and it wasn't until I saw Ryan and his older brother rocking them that I began to covet them more than anything else in the world. My desire to own a pair grew so strong that one time, while eating at a restaurant with my family, I noticed a waitress wearing some and loudly exclaimed, "She's wearing Nike Airs!"

One morning after a sleepover at Ryan's house, I noticed a pair of black and white Nike Air trainers sitting in the basement. They were an old pair of Ryan's brother's shoes and they fit me perfectly. I asked if I could buy them, despite being pretty worn in, and before long a deal was struck for $5-10. It should also be noted that after Alonzo Mourning was traded to Miami, I bought my second Starter jacket from his brother which was a Miami Heat pullover.

I remember walking around in my used kicks and looking at the Nike Air logo on the back of my heel to soak in the glory of wearing a true pair of Nike Airs. Yeah, I was a dweeb. From this point on, an obsession was born. The obsession wouldn't be fully realized until after graduating college, but the seed had been planted nonetheless.

If I still have your attention, take a moment to marvel at some of the freshest sneakers I rocked during my formative years.

It didn't take long until I was asking Santa for Jordans every Christmas. During first grade, I woke up on Christmas morning to find these white and maroon Jordan VI's sitting under the tree. My mom picked them herself and needless to say she came through in flying colors. This colorway has become highly coveted over the years but has yet to see a retro release from Jordan Brand, much to the sneaker community's ire.

When I was in first grade, Reebok Pumps soon became all the rage. I'm not sure if this is the specific pair that I owned, but they were definitely white, teal and red. Because other Reebok Pumps had basketballs and tennis balls on the Pump to coincide with the respective sport they were designed for, I always considered my pair kick ball shoes due to the red Pump.

Around the time I was in third grade, Converse began to catch on with their basketball shoes. I think I had at least two to three pairs throughout this fad, including some Larry Johnson and Kevin Johnson signature shoes. I'm also not entirely sure if I had this specific pair, but I definitely had some very similar to this. I wore one pair of Cons in so much that the pocket on the back of the sole cracked open, causing React Juice to slowly oozed out of them for weeks. Once dirt started getting in there, it got pretty gross. For those who don't know what React Juice is, check out the video below.

Who can forget Converse's ingenious Grandmama campaign for Larry Johnson? Grandmama was so wildly popular that he/she even appeared on an episode of Family Matters with Steve Urkel. Grandmama played in a street ball tournament and got injured during a crucial moment. Unfortunately, I can't find the clip on YouTube, so this commercial will have to suffice.

While Reebok Pumps and Cons had their moments in the '90s, Nike and Jordans were still where it was really at. I think I was in the fourth grade when I was lucky enough to own a pair of these Jordan VIII's. These were some pretty wild shoes for the time they were released, epitomizing the ridiculous style of the '90s.

Bugs Bunny, Marvin the Martian and various other Looney Toons characters were used to promote these kicks. I definitely rocked this shirt with my Jordan VIII's.

Here's the original Jordan VIII ad with Looney Toons characters courtesy of Sneaker Files.

I rocked a pair of these Nike Air Wayups with some blue accents in the fifth grade. They are very similar to Penny Hardaway's first signature shoe. If I remember correctly, I wanted the Penny 1's but settled on these because my mom wouldn't fork out the cash for the Pennys.

I owned a pair of these in sixth grade, my first year of middle school, when fashion started getting real important. I thought the script Air logo was totally sweet but in retrospect it's pretty tacky. I remember riding the bus looking at these in my Eastbay catalog, dying to put them on my feet. These were a cheaper derivative of the Nike Air Max Uptempo, which have been releasing in various colorways lately like this over-the-top red colorway.

These Nike Air More Uptempos were the shit to be wearing when I was in the sixth grade. I thought they were pretty ridiculous at first, but eventually came around to them. Scottie Pippen wore these while playing on the second Dream Team, which was obviously not up to par with the original squad even though they still won gold. On the upper of the heal was a gold 8, which was Pippen's number in the Olympics.

These were the kicks that I debuted on the first day of school in the seventh grade. They were called the Nike Air Hawk Flight and were worn by Gary Payton. This was around the time that Nike's Zoom Air technology became popular. They often included ridiculous extended Zoom Air soles with crazy shapes on the side like this and this. While I was still true to the Miami Heat, around this time I was also a big Seattle Supersonics fan due to the exciting alley oops of Gary Payton and Shawn "The Reignman" Kemp.

In the eight grade, I rocked these ridiculous kicks which were worn by the Miami Heat's Tim Hardaway. They were called the Air Zoom T-Bug Flight. They had a zipper over the laces, that when unzipped revealed a super bright orange tongue and laces. Unfortunately I can't find an image of this anywhere on the internet.

So that about wraps it up for my sneaker history throughout my formative years. There's a lot of stuff that I was unable to find online, including a few pairs of Nike running shoes that seem to have been forgotten over the years. In high school, I didn't rock basketball shoes as much, especially by tenth grade when I started to get really alternative and rock Pumas and Etnies that ripped off Jordan 1's. I hope that you've enjoyed looking at some of the heat that I impressed with on the playgrounds and in the hallways.

Throwback Posterization: MJ Throws Down on Tree Rollins

2010-07-30T07:45:00.000-07:00

I neglected to post a Throwback Posterization yesterday, so I'm doing one on a Friday this week to get you pumped for the weekend. This week's throw down is courtesy of the greatest of all time, Michael Jordan. I'm not entirely sure what season this is from but judging by his teammates and what appears to be Jordan 3's on his feet, I'm pretty sure it's from the '86-87 season.

Jordan catches a pass on the perimeter and does his patent palm-the-ball pass fake to Charles Oakley on the baseline, which breaks the ankles of the Hawks' Cliff Levingston. With his defender falling to the floor, Jordan takes it to the hoop as 7-footer Tree Rollins mans the paint. Taking just one dribble before taking off, MJ skies over Rollins for a textbook Jordan dunk. Rollins has good position to contest the dunk, but Jordan's teammate Earl Cureton cuts to the basket right before Jordan gets to the rim which distracts Tree. After the dunk, Jordan runs down the court with some serious swagger that foreshadows the superstar he would become.

I also want to point out that Tree Rollins became a running joke in my neighborhood when I was growing up because he had a funny name. Kiki Vandeweigh was another player whose name we ragged on. My brother and I even made up a song/story about him in which he was the narrator's best friend and ultimately died. I'm serious. I can still remember the melody which was likely ripped off from some other song.

Still No Word on Artest's Reality Show

2010-07-29T10:47:00.000-07:00

While Teenage Neckbeard is busy wasting his time watching T.O. and Ochocinco's boring reality shows (I haven't actually watched either of them) news is still slow on Ron Ron's much anticipated and aptly titled reality show of his own, "They Call Me Crazy." It was announced around the beginning of April that Dank Game's poster child for insanity would be getting his own reality show, but not much else has cropped up regarding the show's format or debut. I can pretty much guarantee that it will be the greatest reality television ever, if not the greatest television ever. To keep your interest piqued, here's a new video of Ron Artest interviewing himself for ESPN The Magazine.

May I just say that Ron and Ron's chemistry in this interview is simply off the charts. He's so charming as both an interviewer and interviewee, although Ron Ron the interviewer seems a bit mystified by Ron Ron the interviewee's desire to go ice skating on Pluto. I don't really understand why. Who wouldn't want to ice skate on Pluto? However, Ron Ron the interviewer seems very engaged on all of the other topics which include Ron Ron the interviewee's love of Titantic and Celine Dion and his convoluted reasoning for selecting 37 as his jersey number. Lastly, I'd also like to point out Ron's beautiful new hairstyle and the fact that he minored in architecture at St. John's. I think it's safe to say that Ron is the only man alive who's minored in architecture while simultaneously supporting his college education as a pimp.

TO Show vs Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch

2010-07-29T09:18:00.000-07:00

As if Hard Knocks, Dancing with the Stars and Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch weren't enough! In the wake of the TO signing, Bengals fans are stuck with another reality show, The T.O. Show.

Of course, the good folks at VH1.com stream full episodes (complete with even more ads for Dinner For Schmucks - seriously, this looks terrible). I felt it was due diligence to watch at least one episode. I also watch highlights from Ultimate Catch episode 2 so as to make the fairest possible comparison.

The T.O. Show:

In episode 103, Terrell goes to Manhattan for Fashion Week with one or his two assistants (the hot one; the other one is very pregnant). They have a serious of misadventures, first the assistant getting, then being booted from the larger hotel room. They then go to a fashion show where both were supposed to sit front row, but the assistant ends up losing her seat. Finally Terrell gets asked to model something on the runway later, so their plans for the rest of the day are canceled.

As the assistant was really looking forward to the trip, she is upset she keeps getting the short end of the stick. But in the end TO makes it up to her by hiring a helicopter tour of the city for the two. What a sweetheart.

It's pretty obvious that the situations are rigged and that the assistant is almost certainly an actress. It is marginally humorous though.

Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch

In episode 102, the Ocho goes on his first two elimination round dates. Three of the four girls on these two dates are either insane or incredibly stupid or both. The funniest girl is the slightly larger black girl, who is subjected to a Ustream'd dinner date where Chad's fans informed him that despite the attractiveness of the other girl, she was a total bitch. Chad picked the funny "fat" girl.

The other date featured a girl who was supposedly funny against a born-again virgin. The "funny girl" actually promised in the elimination that she would "get down" with Chad. I'll give you one guess who Chad picked.

Conclusion:

I can't recommend either of these shows. To anyone. But if you're into Blind Date type shows and think Ochocinco is funny, I guess you'd like Ultimate Catch. And if you like really bad sitcoms, you'd probably like The T.O. Show better. I'll give the edge to The T.O. Show, because I found it much easier to sit through the whole thing (and I only watched highlights of Ultimate Catch).

When the fuck is Artest's reality show coming out?

Colangelo Trims 3

2010-07-28T14:48:00.000-07:00

Ah the summer of 2010, world championship basketball is gearing up and Team USA looks pretty solid. I'm excited about Kevin Durant's introduction to the world basketball scene. Hopefully Jeff Green and Russell Westbrook will make the final cut and there will be an Oklahoma City Thunder triple threat repping USA--I'm sure 'Stache would get a kick out of that.

Unfortunately O.J. Mayo didn't make the squad. It's not too surprising he got cut considering the quality of guards on the roster, but I was hoping the former North College Hill star would make the team. Jerry Colangelo also trimmed the roster of Tyreke Evans and center JaVale McGee. I really thought they should have kept three centers, but then again I wanted them to keep Tyson Chandler for the '08 Olympics and they did alright without him. McGee could have been a good energy player off the bench. Chandler seems so gimpy anymore and Brook Lopez is more of a half court type of guy.

NFL's Biggest Collection of Jackasses?

2010-07-27T18:32:00.000-07:00

Well, the Bengals done signed Terrell Owens. Owens doesn't have the best reputation as a teammate, though Mike Brown thought highly enough to make him a last minute addition to the team. And Cincinnati might now have the most jackass-filled roster in pro football, although it should be noted that the presence of Roethlisberger alone puts Pittsburgh way up there. On the bright side, they could very well join other jackass filled teams in Lombardi trophy history (1970's Steelers and Raiders, I'm looking at you).

So I'm taking a look at all the guys on the roster who seem like assholes. This isn't about arrests (Leon Hall is not on the list in spite of a DUI arrest last offseason for example), but I'm factoring some in.

Asshole index:

Adam Jones (CB) - HIGH - He has missed two entire seasons of football in a five year career because of off-the-field incidents - no, catastrophes. I'm honestly surprised he wasn't suspended for life. His most recent team, Dallas, hired around the clock security to keep him out of trouble and he ended up getting in a fight with a bodyguard. If he hadn't said and done all the right things since coming to Cincinnati (after sitting out last year and probably going broke making it rain too many times) I'd make a special category that only he and Ben Roethlisberger could fill.

Terrell Owens (WR) - HIGH - has called out the following teammates in public: Jeff Garcia (49ers), Donovan McNabb (Eagles) and Tony Romo (Cowboys). He has also claimed to have intentionally dropped passes when his team didn't include him enough in the game plan. He did however play nice in Buffalo last season.

Bernard Scott (RB) - MED-HIGH - there was a reason a guy this talented was playing Division II college football with his third or fourth team, and there's a reason he was still available when the Bengals picked him in 6th round last year. He's also rumored to have punched a coach in his college years. I'd have him at HIGH if I didn't firmly believe his checkered past was behind him.

Cedric Benson (RB) - MED - seems to have a mean streak. History of alcohol and assault charges, most recently this offseason in an Austin, TX bar altercation. Many of those charges ended up getting dropped however. Still, he's not an all around great guy.

Matt Jones (WR) - MED-LOW - Got caught with Cocaine, then got caught drinking while on probation. Maybe he's not that big an asshole, but most people on Coke aren't the gentlest of people.

Tank Johnson (DT) - MED-LOW - A couple spots on his criminal record. Was also involved in a bar fight that resulted in the death of his best friend. A judge recently described his actions in the incident as cowardly. Has been on very good behavior since coming to Cincinnati though.

Chad Ochocinco (WR) - MED-LOW - He doesn't get into actual trouble, and he doesn't even drink alcohol. But even though Chad is generally good-spirited, we all know he's kind of an asshole. I mean, what kind of father of four is going on dating shows?

Antonio Bryant (WR) - LOW - really smart guy, but at times in his career has been viewed as a pest. This is why he's not yet 30, but has been on five NFL teams already.

Maurice Purify (WR) - LOW - got into a bar fight in Northern Kentucky this offseason. Just not smart.

Rey Maualuga (LB) - LOW - This isn't about the DUI, which Rey has been extremely cool about since going through rehab. It's more about his crazy personality and that time he faux-grinded on Erin Andrews at a USC game.

*****

So that's twelve guys (at least nine of which will make the 53 man roster) that you might not want to share a word or a drink with. And it's certainly above average for league to have this many strong personalities on one roster.

However, I don't actually think chemistry is a problem at all for this team. The other, arguably more mature players (Carson, Dhani, Whitworth, etc.) seem to relish in or at least tolerate the antics of Ocho, and many of the other players appear to be actively rehabbing their image. Mike Brown has built some really crappy teams out of second/third chance players in the past, but the last couple season he's gotten really lucky.

TO represents the most serious threat to the solid team of last season. But given his friendship with Ochocinco and his advancing age (37), I think his days of public tirades are likely over. If he played in Buffalo last year without losing it, you have to think Cincinnati will settle his nerves. Plus if the team tanks, they can just cut him.

Anyway, I don't neccessarily want Dank Gamers feeling down about the Bengals. Just realize it's not the classiest organization out there.

NFC East Preview

2010-07-27T07:40:00.000-07:00

Did I save the best for last? Maybe, as the NFC East is usually one of the best divisions in football. But we've caught two teams from this division in semi- "rebuild" mode and another in "win-now" mode. I can't believe that only the Dallas Cowboys actually look like true contenders in this division, but it's simply been shaken apart since last season. The Giants, especially defensively, have been on a slow decline since winning a Superbowl. The Eagles have handed the reigns to a new starting quarterback, and the Redskins are practically a fantasy football team, but not a particularly good one.

Division Winner: Dallas Cowboys

Dallas is the only model of consistency in the division. Quarterback Tony Romo has steadily improved each season under head coach Wade Phillips. And even when his receivers aren't playing to their pay grade, an unknown always seems to pop up and pick up the slack (see: Miles Austin). They also have very good, although aging running backs and a well rounded defense. Coming off a playoff win last year, Dallas looks to compete with New Orleans and Minnesota for a top seed and playoff bye week. I think we'll see eleven wins out of them.

Division Runner-Up: Philadelphia Eagles

This was a tough choice, as each of these three teams have so many question marks, but ultimately Philly has the fewest. New starting quarterback Kevin Kolb did start two games in place of then-injured, now-traded Donovan McNabb and looked pretty good in the process. Plus Michael Vick is still their back-up, so quarterbacking might not truly be a big issue for this team. Plus they've got lot's of young talent at the other offensive skill positions. Their defense hasn't been quite the same since the death of their longtime defensive coordinator before the 2009 season began, but they're no slouches either. The offensive line is aging and somewhat suspect, but that shouldn't stop the Eagles from winning nine games.

Division Third Place: Washington Redskins

When in doubt, take last year's ranking and switch the bottom two teams. At least, that's what I've done in a few of these previews! But the 'Skins really should be much improved this year with a new and proven head coach in Mike Shanahan and trade acquisition Donovan McNabb. This is one of the oldest teams in the league, as they consistently trade away their draft picks for high profile, under-performing free agents like DT Albert Haynesworth. But McNabb is a difference maker, and for years in Philly succeeded with sub-par receiver talent. I sincerely doubt Washington will compete for a playoff spot, but seven wins doesn't seem improbable.

Division Basement: New York Giants

The Giants have really skidded since winning it all a few years ago. Although their wide receiver corps has actually improved greatly with well spent draft picks, the defense has slowly fallen apart. The team knows it too, having changed coordinators. But unless Perry Fewell can get a lot more out a once-fearsome defensive line now in a multi-year slump, New York simply won't be able compete in a tough division in the currently stronger conference. Eli Manning is a decent quarterback, but you can't quite expect this offense to score the twenty-eight points they'll likely need almost every game to win. This is another team I've put in the cellar that could surprise, but I'm predicting six wins and the end of Tom Coughlin's coaching career.

NFC South Preview

2010-07-26T15:16:00.000-07:00

Ready for more? The NFC South contains the reigning NFL champion New Orleans Saints. It also has a solid Atlanta Falcons team most are predicting to advance to the playoffs after posting winning seasons the last two years. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers are clearly going through a rebuilding process after winning only three games last year while handing the reigns over to a rookie quarterback midway through the season. The Carolina Panthers are the biggest question mark, being one of the youngest teams in football. However, they're only two season removed from a 12-win season.

Division Winner: New Orleans Saints

I'll give them the benefit of the doubt; they did just win the Superbowl. They're clearly now the team to beat, but quarterback Drew Brees is clearly up to the challenge. Last year he threw the highest completion percentage in league history. The year before that he threw for the second most yards in NFL history. New Orleans will stay competitive so long as Brees is healthy (which unfortunately has been an issue earlier in his career). The Saints defense is not even close to the unit the offense puts on the field, but they make plays. Although New Orleans gives up a lot of yards, they also manage a lot of turnovers. And with Brees leading the offense and scoring about thirty points a game, the defense doesn't exactly have to be great. I think eleven wins is fair.

Division Runner-Up: Atlanta Falcons

The Falcons starting quarterback and running back were both injured for multiple games last season, and they still managed a winning season in a tough conference. Assuming they stay healthy this year, they should make it back to playoffs under the strength of third year quarterback Matt Ryan. This team has done as well in free agency as just about anyone, adding future Hall of Fame tight end Anthony Gonzalez and starting running back Michael Turner. The Falcons however are mostly not a team of superstars, but a solid group that play their roles and are simply well coached. They shouldn't have to struggle for ten wins a wildcard, and could easily push the Saints for the division's top spot.

Division Third Place: Carolina Panthers

Obviously this preview looks a lot like how the division ended up last year. But it just doesn't seem likely for an other outcome, except a flip flop of the top two. Carolina is in the weirdest kind of rebuilding mode with the youngest imaginable trio of quarterbacks and a head coach entering the final year of his contract with no extension talks in sight. The team publicly committed to quarterback Matt Moore, then drafted two high profile QBs. So it seems unlikely for the Panthers to make a push at the division this year, although their excellent running back stable and above average defense should keep them well ahead of Tampa Bay. I expect six or seven wins, and a new head coach in 2011.

Division Basement: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

In the NFC South there's a strange phenomenon of the last place team from one year winning the division the following year. I for one would be completely shocked if this trend repeated itself in 2010. Although Tampa Bay is making positive strides, the franchise is obviously in a lengthy rebuilding phase, having changed head coaches and starting quarterbacks last year while getting rid of older veteran players - even those that were still producing. While I wouldn't be surprised if this was a formidable team within a few years, for no reason should this be big year for the Bucs. However, I think they can improve from three wins to probably five.

NFC North Preview

2010-07-25T17:30:00.000-07:00

Six down, two to go! Welcome to Dank Game's NFC North preview. This is one of the most unbalanced divisions in the NFL. The Packers and Vikings are coming off 10+ win seasons and playoff appearances, while the Lions and Bears didn't win 10 games combined last season. While Detroit is slowly digging itself out of the only 0-16 season in NFL history, the Bears are showing a lot of desperation to win now without a lot of real potential to do so. Assuming Favre is still coming back, this division will remain a two way race in 2010.

Division Winner: Minnesota Vikings

The Vikings are almost certainly an aging team, but the roster is impressive nonetheless. They still have one of the best defenses in the NFC, especially the front seven, and the team's promising young players are the offense's biggest playmakers. Adrian Peterson, despite being outshown by Chris Johnson of Tennessee last season, is still one of the best two or three running backs in the league. Sydney Rice and Percy Harvin are two of the best young receivers in the NFL. Brett Favre is still Brett fucking Favre, and I don't believe his ankle is the issue he's making it out to be (more on that in a future post). Bottom line, this is practically the same team that made it to the NFC Championship game last year. It took them 5 turnovers to lose in a game that somehow remained close. If Favre is back, they very well could be Superbowl bound. I wouldn't expect any less than eleven wins, and I'm predicting twelve.

Division Runner-Up: Green Bay Packers

The Packers are a much better team than I realized last offseason. The team really did have their quarterback of the future in Aaron Rodgers and trading Favre no longer seems like a completely insane decision. Sure it must have hurt Packer fans to watch the Favre-led Vikings sweep them last season, but it's not as if the Packers are total slouches. On the contrary, they'll be the team to beat in the North once Favre and the "Williams Wall" of Minnesota retire. The Packers have few weaknesses, so assuming Rodgers keeps playing at a high level, they should be making a return trip to the playoffs. I'll give them eleven wins.

Division Third Place: Detroit Lions

Hey, I've got to mix something up in this division! After improving from 0-16 to 2-14 last season, I think the Lions are ready to take the next step. They're probably still a couple years or more away from the playoffs, but to even sniff a .500 record would probably make the Detroit faithful happy for now. At any rate, rookie quarterback Matt Stafford was injured some of last season, and played for a team with very little talent. With more competent people now running the organization, they should steadily improve to at least a middle-of-the-pack team. Assuming this year's rookies continue to improve the squad, they'll make a jump to six or seven wins.

Division Basement: Chicago Bears

I might regret this one, but Chicago is not particularly impressive this season. I thought the Cutler addition at quarterback last season would improve the squad, but the problems in Chicago run much deeper than who's playing quarterback. They're ex-QB proved he could actually play in Denver, and they're ex-running back proved he could play in Cincinnati. This tells me coaching is the problem. Head coach Lovie Smith has avoided losing his job for two straight years, but he'll have no excuses this year. In the end, I don't think pressure on the head coach will be enough to make this team any better. They're once formidable defense is now flat, and they didn't have any first or second round draft picks to bring in young talent. The Bears are a sinking ship, and they'll probably win five games.

Birthday Hangover

2010-07-24T12:19:00.000-07:00

I personally enjoyed Dank Game's birthday. It was fun reading through the archives (although much more time consuming than I'd anticipated), and McFavorite's Photoshop article was a great read as well. It makes me quite upset that my bootleg version of Photoshop is no longer working.

Anyway, I missed a few reader-favorite articles in my last round up so I though I'd get some links to those posted. I missed both of Dank Game's beer articles! Remember this one about the Miller High Life Camo Can?

How about Slim's thoughts on Great Lakes Christmas Ale?

How could I have possibly forgotten about J. J. Redick's hair secrets?

And Slim specifically asked about this particular Ben Roethlisberger article.

Well, that's what I've got. If anybody wants links to anything else let me know and I'll update the post.

Dank Game Presents: The Best in Photoshop

2010-07-22T19:57:00.000-07:00

While Teenage Mustache has done more than enough to celebrate Dank Game's very first birthday, I felt obligated to do something to let Dank Game know that I care. And so, I've decided to do a retrospective of my own celebrating the greatest Photoshop jobs in Dank Game's first year. Some are crude, some are surprisingly decent, but hopefully all of them are the slightest bit humorous.

Without further adieu, Dank Game Presents: The Best in Photoshop.

First up is Ron Artest's passport. Ron Ron had to cancel his family vacation to the Bahamas in the 2009 offseason because he couldn't find his passport. Instead he hung out at a trendy hotel in Beverly Hills.

This image accompanied 'Stache's legendary first post, which was a conspiracy theory that the Pittsburgh Steelers have ties to the Freemasons. I always thought he should have put the Steelers logo where the G is on the Freemason logo, but it's an interesting image nonetheless.

I created this image for a story that Teenage Mustache wrote in October about a pseudo-feud between LeBron James and Braylon Edwards. I guess Braylon Edwards messed with some short guy that LeBron was buddies with or something. Edwards was traded within a day or two of the post, so it was kind of a bust.

Apparently Rush Limbaugh was vying to become the St. Louis Rams owner around October, so 'Stache put together this Photoshop masterpiece. I think my favorite thing about this one is Rush's personalized helmet.

Possibly the best Photoshop work on Dank Game to date, Teenage Mustache created this in October after notorious Bengals long snapper Brad St. Louis botched one too many snaps. It surprises me we never did a Photoshop image for Shayne "Where Da Party At" Graham.

In October, LeBron James said in a Maxim interview that if he could dunk on anyone he would dunk on G.W. Bush's ass. Yes, his ass... and then he would break the rim and shatter the glass. I'm pretty proud of this particular Photoshop job.

October was a busy month for Dank Game, and it was a busy month for us on Photoshop as well. After the Cavaliers started out their season 0-2, I made this image of Sir Shaquille and Prince James. Two days before this, I predicted that the Cavs would fall to either the Celtics or Magic in the playoffs. I'm a genius, I know.

This one rivals 'Stache's amazing Brad St. Louis Photoshop job. It actually looks like Big Baby is playing football. Seriously. He made this one for a post about Big Baby wanting to play in the NFL someday.

In November, a story came out that 50 Cent's entourage was hostile towards Marv Albert backstage at the Jimmy Kimmel Show. I'm pretty sure the story turned out to be bullshit, but it at least made for a good Dank Game Photoshop image.

In December, Ron Artest willfully admitted that he used to drink Hennessy during halftime while he was playing for the Bulls. This was the moment that truly put Ron Ron in the lead of Ochocinco for the Dank Game craziest athlete competition. I was trying to find a way to make it look like he was drinking from a bottle of Hennessy, but it would've required more work than I was willing to put in. Instead, I copped out with a generic cartoon thought bubble.

'Stache put together this fine piece of work for Dank Game's first event: Jock Jams New Years. I still lose sleep at night because the originator of the party idea as well as Mr. Maybe were out of town during this extravaganza.

Teenage Mustache made this beauty as an end of year award for the best writer on Dank Game. Actually, 'Stache mainly just made this image to piss off ANDY HAMS, who hates LeBron. As you can see in the comments section, 'Stache successfully pissed him off. The award was never actually handed out, but it appears that Sean was really hoping to win. So I guess we'll finally hand it over to him. Congratulations, Sean.

Teenage Mustache created this image right before the Vikings faced the Saints in the NFL Playoffs. I think Brett Favre looks pretty convincing as an MMA fighter.

Teenage Mustache Photoshopped a blonde mohawk on "Big Baby" Glen Davis around the time Big Baby decided his new nickname should be Uno Uno. The Dank Game community was very pissed off about this, because Big Baby was shamelessly ripping off the great Chad Ochocinco.

I didn't make this in Photoshop, but I wish I had. Actually, scratch that. I'm really really glad this is a real photo. This photo appeared in a post that I wrote wondering if there was anyone crazier than Artest in the NBA. Clearly, there is not.

This is a really shitty image I made during an awful stretch for the Miami Heat last season. I think they were at or below .500 at the time and just barely in the playoff picture. The post really isn't worth linking to.

Another work of art by Teenage Mustache. I guess Ochocinco/OCNN got into a playful feud with some ESPN reporter and Chad proposed they settle it with a paintball war. 'Stache did a great job with the dimensions of Ochocinco's head.

I made this image in March after I found out that Artest turned infamous candy addict Lamar Odom onto orange slices.

'Stache made this image for a post about how Brett Favre had been relatively quiet about his future during the offseason and that he needed to give people something to talk about again. Favre is also actually a grand-dad.

Teenage Mustache helped celebrate Dank Game's 300th post with this image of Eddie Dribbles in Time's Square.

I made this image for an episode of our NBA Podcast The Half Court Heave called "Who Is The Batman To Robin Lopez?" Me and Ryan have been sleeping on doing these shows lately. We had intended to do one about "The Decision" and the NBA Draft, but that never really happened.

Okay, I take it back. This is Teenage Mustache's greatest work. He made this one for a post evaluating whether science could explain Roethlisberger's actions.

I'm particularly proud of these two. I made them after LeBron's awful game 5 performance against the Celtics, wondering whether LeBron would channel his inner Mel Gibson or his inner Chevy Chase in the following game.

Who can forget the artist formerly know as Young Turd and currently known as Mr. Maybe's mathematized Los Suns? I think we're gonna need more of these, Mr. Maybe.

I created this image for a post declaring my allegiance to the Lakers in the NBA Finals. My reasoning was that Artest and Kobe are butt buddies and Kobe would hate Ron Ron if they lost, thus making Artest less insane... or something like that. Obviously I cheer for teams for the right reasons.
Mr. Maybe created this Miami Heat Super Shredder for a post in which he fumes about the Heat recruiting Bosh and LeBron. He predicts that the big three in South Beach won't work out. Go join the rest of the haters, Mr. Maybe.

This is a very recent image I made for a post about Clevelanders sending their LeBron gear to homeless shelters in South Beach.

Lastly, here's Dank Game's very first birthday cake with Eddie Dribble's icing, courtesy of Aunt Sue. Aunt Sue makes a hell of a cake and some mean apple fritters, too. Happy birthday, Dank Game!

And so, this has been Dank Game Presents: The Best in Photoshop. I hope you enjoyed it because it probably took more time than it was worth. At the very least, it's nice to have all of our great Photoshop work all in one post. Vote for your favorite Photoshop image in the comments and maybe I'll actually have that plaque thing made up for the winner.

Throwback Posterization: Kukoc Takes It To Zo

2010-07-22T13:55:00.000-07:00

For those who don't know, Alonzo Mourning was my favorite player growing up. When he was traded there in 1995, I became a Miami Heat fan. Zo was regarded as one of the best shot blockers throughout the 90s, but as with any shot blocker, he got dunked on quite a bit too. For this week's Throwback Posterization, I present you Toni "The Croatian Sensation" Kukoc dunking on Mourning. Yeah, that really wasn't his nickname. This dunk is from the first round of the 1995 NBA Playoffs. The Bulls would go on to beat the Hornets three games to one, but would lose to the Orlando Magic in the following round. This was Jordan's first trip back to the playoffs since his infamous attempt at a baseball career.

Mourning hits a nice hook shot and as he's getting back on defense, he notices that Kukoc has an open lane to the basket. Larry "Grandmama" Johnson is in Zo's way as he's trying to defend Kukoc, so he shoves his own teammate out of the way. This moment is very likely indicative of the tension that grew between Mourning and Johnson. Mourning closes out too much on Kukoc, which opens up a small path to the rim. Kukoc makes a slight change of direction to get a step on Mourning and then takes it strong to the basket to dunk it over Zo's outstretched arm.

Happy F'ing Birthday Dank Game!

2010-07-22T00:01:00.000-07:00

Believe it or not, Dank Game turns one year old today!

On the strength of 374 posts (that's more than one a day!) and a number of contributors, year one of the Dank Game experience has yielded a good amount of humor, horror and at least a handful of casual readers - I think.

Based on Eddie's inhale, I don't think he'll have any trouble blowing out a single candle.

***

Appropriately enough, Dank Game began with a then-recently unearthed high school posterization of LeBron James courtesy of Jordan Crawford. The post launched a late July flurry of I-miss-NBA-season ramblings from Dank Game creator SlimMcFavorite (who I'll give the respect of using his real handle in this anniversary post). This included Dank Game's first Ron Artest post.

On Friday, August 7th sneaker, snacker and music correspondant Sean and futbol columnist ANDY HAMS each made their debuts. Sean posted an NBA Nike YouTube video, while HAMS
announced to the world his love affair for premier league "don't call it soccer" club Arsenal. Both ANDY and Sean have been very quiet 'round these parts and I'll embrace them with open arms when they return.

Yours truly, Teenage_Mustache debuted on August 17th with my much-hyped Steelers-freemasonry conspiracy theory post. I guess a legend was born that day. After a few more Ron Artest updates, 'stache challenged Slim that Chad Ochocinco was every bit as crazy and entertaining as Artest. A quality rivalry ensued for many months, though I yield the battle to Slim until we see Ron Ron's reality show.

In September, football season began anew, the most exciting moment of the month being the Bengals' week three win against the hated Steelers. Around the same time, Slim began his campaign to relocate the Sacramento Kings to their rightful home as the Cincinnati Royals.

In October with the NFL season in full swing and the NBA starting up again, we hit a record output of 39 posts in one month. The Heat-Thunder Dank Game rivalry was born, which should hit new heights this coming season. However most excitingly, October launched Dank Game's mascot and new slogan, 'Seems nobody wants to hang around a dank pit no more." For those not in the know, the line was once uttered by Moe the bartender on the Simpsons. Eventually, Eddie Dribbles was chosen as our mascots name.

Slim also discovered that "Dank Game Alert" is an Urban Dictionary approved term. To end the month, we celebrated Halloween in a very Bengals fashion.

In November I discovered Rumble the Bison, mascot of the OKC Thunder. It was my first Thunder post! The month also heightened the Thunder-Heat rivalry, in a post where I claimed Slim believed the Miami Heat where from Miami of Ohio when he was a child. Sorry Slim! I also discovered Cincinnati's performance hinges on the number of Johnsons on the team, and Slim began to distance himself as Ron Artest's jockey past my steed, Ochocinco.

In December Ron Artest's drinking habits vaulted himself into the lead (I still think it will be temporary). A day later, on December 3rd, Nicolas Perkins made his Dank Game debut with another Heat feud, this time with the home state Cavs. Slim debuted Thursday Throwback Posterizations, then on the 17th sadly had to eulogize our dearly departed Chris Henry. Dank Game also made a brief foray into Party planning with Dank Game New Years, which despite massive technical issues was pretty fun thanks to a ten+ year old portable boom box.

In January, Sean debuted his new and still much under-utilized column Seanz Snax. According to Slim, I made it to my first Thunder game.

In February we busted the records again with 42 posts in 27 days. I realized that Mike Brown and Co. were drinking moonshine. The Year of the Tiger commenced - possibly ending with a Bengals Superbowl? Slim wrote a poem about James' Harden's awesome beard.

In March word first broke of Ben Roethlisberger's disgusting episode in Georgia. Funny Bengals Tweets was also born.

April brought Dank Games first podcast, a basketball themed power hour called "The Half Court Heave", co-hosted by Slim and "homeboy" Ryan. I developed Snax 4 Sports Fans - which I still need to produce another installment of. Toward the end of April we hit 300 posts.

In May the Cavs made their playoff exit, and Slim co-wrote a farewell of sorts with future Dank Game columnist Andy "The Turd" Young. Young_Turd debuted in proper with his mathematician of the Suns, but has since changed his handle to mr. maybe.

June gave me a chance to do some of my hardest investigating, looking into the deplorable Roethlisberger case. Perkins jumped on board the Ron Artest train (he likes the Ocho too, so it's cool).

And in July, Dank Game's world came crashing down. LBJ left the Cavs and the Miami Heat made one of the biggest coups in sports history. Slim tried to predict the thing in advance of "The Decision", but I don't think anyone was truly ready. Perkins hid his grief by arguing that the Miami trio don't actually play well together without Kobe. mr. maybe likened the three headed monster to Super Shredder. I just posted some Bengals tweets about it - the Thunder are already set after all. Later Slim tried to write rationally about the whole incident without gloating. Finally, on Dank Game's 365th day of existence, something about baseball was posted.

Phew! So as you can see, it's been a wild ride. Won't you please join us for another year Dank Gamers? This is also a great time to let us know what you, the readers, enjoy on the site. If you don't feel like making a Blogger account just to comment, you can also reach Slim and myself on Twitter.

*cake image by "Aunt Sue"

Worst Time of the Year

2010-07-21T15:21:00.000-07:00

With the NBA season over and the NFL yet to start back up, it's officially the worst time of the year. Baseball dominates SportsCenter making for the most excruciating television known to sports fans around the globe. Shit, I would even settle for some soccer but the World Cup has already come and gone. Even NBA free agency is boring now, as Matt Barnes remains the most intriguing player on the market outside of washed up superstars like Shaq, Iverson and T-Mac.

And so, I've decided to post something baseball related. I know, I know. It goes against the Dank Game Manifesto (still in progress, by the way) to write about baseball, unless of course we are discussing how it's inherently boring, but I've come across an animated short from No Mas and artist James Blagden about baseball that's actually worthwhile. It's about a pitcher named Doc Ellis, who supposedly threw a no-hitter while tripping on LSD in 1970. So escape the throes of baseball season by sitting back and enjoying the coolest thing to ever happen in baseball other than Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier.

From No Mas:

In celebration of the greatest athletic achievement by a man on a psychedelic journey, No Mas and artist James Blagden proudly present the animated tale of Dock Ellis' legendary LSD no-hitter. In the past few years we've heard all too much about performance enhancing drugs from greenies to tetrahydrogestrinone, and not enough about performance inhibiting drugs. If our evaluation of the records of athletes like Mark McGwire, Roger Clemens, Marion Jones, and Barry Bonds needs to be revised downwards with an asterisk, we submit that that Dock Ellis record deserves a giant exclamation point. Of the 263 no-hitters ever thrown in the Big Leagues, we can only guess how many were aided by steroids, but we can say without question that only one was ever thrown on acid.

Sadly, the great Dock Ellis died last December at 63. A year before, radio producers Donnell Alexander and Neille Ilel, had recorded an interview with Ellis in which the former Pirate right hander gave a moment by moment account of June 12, 1970, the day he no-hit the San Diego Padres. Alexander and Ilels original four minute piece appeared March 29, 2008 on NPRs Weekend America. When we stumbled across that piece this past June, Blagden and Isenberg were inspired to create a short animated film around the original audio.

LeBron Cavs Gear All The Rage With South Beach Homeless

2010-07-21T14:23:00.000-07:00

According to Sports Illustrated, Clevelander Beau Miller has started a campaign with three of his friends to collect LeBron James jerseys and clothing, which will be sent to homeless shelters in South Beach.

"It's like any breakup," Miller said. "You want to give all your stuff back."

The past week Cleveland fans have been donating their LeBron gear to Yours Truly Restaurants in Northeast Ohio.

I would have assumed that they would have a poor turnout considering that the majority of Cavs fans burned their LeBron jerseys, but Miller says that the response has been "extraordinary."

Miller and his friends saw the heartbreaking situation in Cleveland as an opportunity to do something positive. In addition to donating LeBron gear to South Beach homeless shelters, they also started a website called breakupwithlebron.com, where they are selling T-shirts that say "It's Not Us, It's You." Proceeds from the $15 shirts are going to the Cleveland City Mission, although it appears the website is no longer online, so uh, never mind that.

With Cleveland's economy on the decline, it surprises me that they didn't decide to donate the LeBron gear to local shelters. But then again, you can never underestimate the pride of Clevelanders, as their local homeless would probably scoff at the idea of wearing a LeBron jersey. Even though this is meant to be a good cause, I get the feeling the effort is just as much out of spite as it is goodwill. I'm sure Clevelanders would be satisfied if images of homeless people wearing LBJ Cavs jerseys haunted LeBron's dreams as he tries to sleep in his new South Beach mansion.

Funny Bengals Tweets - Vol. IV

2010-07-21T06:34:00.000-07:00

You know the drill by now right?

Defensive tackle Tank Johnson (TankJohnson99) has strong opinions about infant wear and speed limits, then gives an intriguing incentive for following him:

Has anyone seen those new Denim diapers??? I will slap the shit outta a lil kid if he got some Levi pampers! #Iswaretagawd
Why is the speed limit in college school zones so slow? I mean by 18 u should be able to dodge a car with ease! #cmonASU #tightenup
I'm tryin soo hard to get to 8 k followers! 8,000th follower gets a bucket of chicken maad wet wipes and a plunger! #fuxwitme

Defensive end Antwan Odom (AntwanOdom98) might be giving in to marketing a bit too much:

Will using @OldSpice help me break the NFL sack record this year?
Will @OldSpice keep the haters away?
My manager said that was enough free promo for @OldSpice

Wide receiver/punt returner Quan Cosby (Cosby12) isn't sure if he should trust whitey:

Big Question? White lady just saw my little girls and said u have beautiful little critters...should I b offended?? NE1 use those terms b4?

I'm really not sure what linebacker Dhani Jones' (DhaniJones) angle is:

Ahhhhh smells... Do tell... Tell me more... Your thoughts of the best smells

Wide receiver Andre Caldwell (caldwell87) learned an important lesson:

I learned this weekend to NEVER go shopping with 4 women it get real expensive and they take ALL DAMN DAY they never know what they want..

Tight end Reggie Kelly (ReggieKelly82) shared a moment that isn't so much funny as adorable:

Ok 1 thing off my checklist finally, daughter now can ride bike by herself. Way to go baby girl!

LeBron James' Wrestling Career

2010-07-20T07:51:00.000-07:00

Probably people have seen this already (as is usually my experience with YouTube videos), but this is actually pretty funny. Basically, if the NBA were the WWE this is what it would be like. It makes me think that maybe NBA superstars should talk like professional wrestlers.

Even though the AppleTalk replacement dialogue is stupid, the things that LBJ is supposedly saying about Ohio are pretty funny. My favorite part is Bosh in the Cowboy hat though.

Sorry to take you away from Dank Game's regularly scheduled content of little football helmets dotting the screen.

NFC West Preview

2010-07-20T06:50:00.000-07:00

Alright, let's get things rolling in the NFC division previews, starting in the West again. This division has basically been wide open since the Seahawks demise over the last three years. The Cardinals stepped in on the strength of the career Renaissance of quarterback Kurt Warner, but he retired this spring. The Rams were the top team in the league ten years ago, but won only a single game last season. That basically leaves the rising 49ers, with their top-tier defense and running game. But like each of these teams, San Francisco has serious question marks at quarterback. This is the only division where every team really has a chance to win the thing.

Division Winner: San Francisco 49ers

I think when it's all said and done, none of these teams will truly belong in the post season. But the closest to it will be the 49ers. Frank Gore is an excellent running back in his prime and head coach Mike Singletary has built the defense into a formidable unit. The big question is quarterback play. This team has been through seemingly dozens of starting quarterbacks just in the past few years including Bengals back-up J.T. O'Sullivan. Every other starting QB seems to be the nth chance for former number one overall pick Alex Smith. And once again Smith is penciled in to start the season under center. If his play is even halfway steady this season, San Francisco will win the division they nearly stole from the Cardinals last year. Nine wins ought to do it, sadly.

Division Runner-Up: Arizona Cardinals

Make no mistake, the Cardinals lost a lot since losing the Superbowl after the 2008 season. Losing Kurt Warner is the biggest blow, but they also lost two of their best defensive play-makers to free agency. The best things going for Arizona are that Ken Whisenhunt is still their head coach and there running game is poised to improve greatly in Beanie Wells' second year. The biggest question by far for this team is whether former first round draft pick Mat Leinart can finally have a breakthrough season. He's had nearly as many chances as Alex Smith, but arguably has enjoyed more success. There are also questions about whether the defense will survive the losses of Dansby and Rolle. I'm going with eight wins in a close race with the 49ers.

Division Third Place: St. Louis Rams

It's been a dismal three years for the once-proud Rams. They have won six games in three years and were the worst team in football last season. But there's a glimmer of hope with the acquisition of Heisman-winning quarterback Sam Bradford, the number one overall pick of this year's draft. While it's way to early to know if Bradford will pan out, the Rams do still have All Pro running back Steven Jackson moving the chains and Bradford will more than likely be an upgrade over the oft-injured and now departed Marc Bulger. This team should have enough pieces in place now to upgrade to four wins.

Division basement: Seattle Seahawks

The problem with the Seahawks is that after years of dominating this otherwise weak division, age has caught up to them. Now they have their third head coach in as many season, but still have Matt Hasselbeck at quarterback. He spent a good portion of each of the last two season injured, and the Seahawks have struggled to win more than a handful of games. I wouldn't expect much more of him this season. I'm guessing new coach Pete Carrol simply wasn't hot on any of this years QB prospects in the draft and is biding his time. This team also isn't particularly talented at the other offensive skill positions. Clearly a rebuilding year in Seattle, who I think will win all of three games.

AFC East Preview

2010-07-17T16:55:00.001-07:00

Number four of Mustache's season preview, winding down the AFC in its Eastern division. This is clearly a three team race, with Buffalo down and out in an otherwise very strong division. The Patriots have the rings, the Jets have the defense and the Dolphins have a talented young quarterback and a very solid nucleus of young playmakers. This division will almost certainly yield two playoff berths.

Division Winner: Miami Dolphins

This is the underdog team of the East's big three, but ultimately that's why I think they'll succeed. Despite a serious rash of offseason arrests, the Dolphins have had back-to-back-to-back solid drafts under the guidance of Bill Parcels and made all the right moves in free agency this season. This is as balanced a team as you're likely to find, including back-up quarterback - the Dolphins are the only team in division, if not conference, that have a solid back up QB in former Jets and Dolphins starter Chad Pennington. Finishing third in their division last season, Miami has the softest schedule of the big three too. This will be a close race, but I think the Dolphins steal back the division with eleven wins.

Division Runner-Up: New York Jets

The Jets won nine regular season games and two playoff games last year on the strength of the league's best defense and a top-notch running game. And all with an error-prone rookie quarterback, Mark Sanchez. If he improves much at all this season the Jets should be back in the postseason. It's hard to imagine the defense will deteriorate much if any next season after such a dominate showing throughout last season. The Jets really only lost when Sanchez made too many mistakes. Through injury the team found its running back of the future in Shonn Greene. The only thing working against New York is free agency - they spent a lot of money on a lot of players who are supposedly post their primes. If even half of these guys can prove their skeptics wrong, New York is headed for at least ten wins and a very close race with the Dolphins

Division Third Place: New England Patriots

The Patriots just can't stay good forever, and I'm boldly predicting they miss the playoffs this season. Although they still have Tom Brady at QB, their defense has slowly fallen apart over the last few seasons and no longer resembles a Bill Belichick squad. While this team is still some ways off from being outright bad, like the Browns or Bills, one just gets the feeling that for the first time in a long time things aren't the way they have been in Bean Town. After watching the Ravens dismantle New England in last year's wildcard game in Foxborough, I can't give this team more than nine wins, and I'm actually only going to predict eight. Wishfull thinking? Maybe.

Division Basement: Buffalo Bills

If the Bills do any better than last place in the Eastern division, it will be a miracle. Their new coach, Chan Gailey, might have inherited the most helpless and talentless roster in the NFL this year. And I wouldn't say their draft converted any non-believers. Buffalo has the worst quarterback situation and possibly the worst offensive line in all of football. I haven't yet seen a prediction for Buffalo of even seven wins. And I'm only going to give them four. Nobody would be surprised if the Bills won the fewest games in the league this season.

**********

Other AFC previews:

West
South
North

Nate Dawg

2010-07-16T13:44:00.000-07:00

Today Danny Ainge signed Nate Robinson to a two year deal at $4 million per year. Nate broke the news on his twitter account, saying, "Cuz im back n beantown baby yeah." Since I'm still angry at ESPN for the whole decision fiasco, I thought I'd mention something my friend Ryan Young told me the other day, "these days the real reporting is done on twitter. That's the hard reporting. Espn is the erroneous, speculative, pathetic news."

The Celtics bench looked a lot stronger late in the Playoffs when Doc Rivers finally decided to play Nate. This is a great move for the Celtics because you never know when you'll need a scorer and he comes at a pretty good bargain. They have a lot of aging veterans, which led to inconsistent scoring at times in the Playoffs. Nate is a prime of his career scoring guard, so he can help alleviate those problems--you know, as long as Doc Rivers plays him.

AFC South Preview

2010-07-14T04:05:00.000-07:00

For my third of eight NFL division by division previews I'm continuing my tour of the AFC with it's South division. Hosting the Superbowl losing Colts, as well as generally good teams in Tennessee and Houston, this will likely be a close contest. Even perennially underachieving Jacksonville could very well put together a surprisingly good team.

Last year I foolishly picked the Colts to miss the playoffs. And they only won fourteen games and made the Superbowl with a rookie head coach! So I will not bet against the Colts again this year. Like everyone else, I had the 2008 division winning Titans pretty high last year, and their six game losing streak to start last season now appears to have been an aberration. Both Tennessee and Jacksonville have game changing running backs, so it's possible to count them out. And Houston, not Indianapolis, New England or New Orleans, had the top passer in football last year.

Division Winner: Indianapolis Colts

The Colts are just going to be good until Peyton Manning isn't on the team anymore. I've come to accept this fact. Usually the team that loses the Superbowl misses the playoffs the following season, but I would be shocked really if the "Superbowl Hangover" afflicted this team that won fourteen games with a rookie head coach. The Colts have probably the worst running game of any contending team, but it rarely seems to matter for them. I wouldn't think they can win as many games again next year in an improved division, but they'll probably still hit twelve wins.

Division Runner-Up: Houston Texans

This team has progressed so slowly since entering the league in 2002 that you'd think you were reading about building an MLB team. But low and behold, the Texans finally posted their first winning season last year on the strength of quarterback Matt Schaub's league best throwing total. They also sported the best defense in the Division last season. Lead tackler (and former USC teammate of Rey Maualuga) linebacker Brian Cushing will be suspended for the beginning of the season, but their defense should at least keep them in position to win games. Like so many others, I'm predicting that the Texans finally make the playoffs this year, probably with ten wins and a wildcard berth.

Division Third Place: Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jaguars have had a lot of talent and even some postseason appearances over the last several season, but they never do well when the spotlight is on. After a division worst 7-9 record complete with a four game losing streak to end the season, the spotlight is very far off Jacksonville. This will work to their advantage, and as long as they have running back Maurice Jones-Drew they'll have a chance. They also get competent though not inspired quarterback play from David Garrard, and a defense that really could be a lot worse. As the only team in the division making significant draft picks, their defense should be improved with a possibly formidable defensive line. I'll pencil in the Jaguars for eights wins, but wouldn't be surprised if they end up a couple wins north or south of there.

Division Basement: Tennessee Titans

This is probably the ultimate sink-or-swim team in the 2010 football season. Although Chris Johnson is coming off an extremely rare 2,ooo yard rushing performance and quarterback Vince Young showed renewed life after being reinstated into the starting lineup last year, both face a lot of off the field adversity, especially in the form of their contracts. Vince Young is in the last year of his rookie deal and the team is reluctant to put a lot of long term money down on such a hot and cold QB. Chris Johnson set an NFL record for total yards from scrimmage last year and wants to get paid like it. To further complicate matters, their defense was terrible last year, so their performances will have to make up for it. If this team puts it together and Young and Johnson both have another magic season, this could be an eleven win team headed for the playoffs and lucrative contract extensions. Playing the odds however, it seems more likely they're headed to seven wins.

Big Z Bolts for South Beach

2010-07-13T16:08:00.000-07:00

Cleveland fan favorite Zydrunas Ilgauskus has followed suit to join LeBron James in Miami. Big Powder, as he is known on Dank Game, turned down an offer from Cleveland to help fill out the Heat's frontline. It's possible that he will sign a one-year deal, but Z is hoping to come to terms on a two-year deal.

I'm not sure how much he will sign for but I'm hoping it's the veteran's minimum because Miami can use all the cap space they can get. I think Z could fit in well with the Heat because his main strength is knocking down baseline jumpers and he will likely have a lot of open looks. Obviously he and LeBron have a close relationship, so it might help ease the transition for James.

I was hoping the Heat would find a center who is more of a banger down low. Hopefully there will be enough funds left to bring Jamaal Magloire back, who fits the description of a "banger" to a tee. Dwyane Wade likes Magloire, so it wouldn't surprise me to see him return on the cheap.

Ilgauskus has never played anywhere besides Cleveland in his 14-year career, so it will be hard for him to leave the city behind. He plans to keep a home in Cleveland and says he would like to be a part of the organization after he retires. We'll see how receptive Cavaliers brass will be to that since he's following LeBron to Miami.

cleveland's economy falls.

2010-07-13T10:40:00.000-07:00

Stay Strong Cleveland

2010-07-13T09:12:00.000-07:00

Tom Green watches "The Decision" and enjoys Vitamin Water with Clevelandites, I mean Clevelanders.

Haslem Sacrifices a Buttload of Money to Return to Miami

2010-07-12T17:56:00.000-07:00

The Miami Heat's blue collar power forward Udonis Haslem has decided to return to his hometown team despite receiving offers from Dallas and Denver that could have been up to $35 million over five seasons. Haslem instead signed a five-year deal with the Heat for around $20 million. In regards to leaving such a large sum of money on the table, Haslem said, "I would be changing my DNA if I was leaving just for money."

Pat Riley has made no secret that he has a big boner for Haslem's gritty, selfless playing style, as he has stated time and again that retaining Haslem during the offseason was one of his biggest priorities. Former #2 draft pick Michael Beasley was spared in order to keep Haslem in Miami, with Beasley being traded to Minnesota for two second round picks. While Beasley has the potential to be a more productive player than Haslem, the Heat are clearly in win-now mode and Haslem is better suited for this, especially because of his defense.

I must say that Haslem's return makes me feel much better about carrying on as a Heat fan in the wake of the arrival of the big three. I think Haslem's willingness to return for much less money says something for the Miami Heat as an organization.

The Ultimate Catch Episode 101 Review

2010-07-12T13:42:00.000-07:00

The wait is over - VH1's Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch debuted last night with 85 women meeting Chad in Pasadena, California's Rose Bowl.

Of course the 85 women thing was clearly just a play on his name/number, as he was eliminating women within minutes of seeing them for the first time. In all, he cut 68 girls over the course of an afternoon. As ridiculous as this "dating mini-camp" was, it is still a relatively fresh idea in the overcrowded genre of dating shows. Events at the mini-camp included trash talking, touchdown dances and hugging pads with pictures of Ochocinco on them.

The seventeen survivors were invited to a soiree at an LA mansion where Chad, Vikings receiver Bernard Berrian and free agent wide receiver Terrell Owens entertained the lucky ladies. Bernard let the ladies do the talking, of course discovering that some of these women are certifiably insane. TO kept trying to get the ladies numbers for himself, trying to find out if any of them weren't truly there for Chad. At the end of the night the three discussed the positives and negatives of the seventeen ladies, setting up the cliffhanger for next week. Chad will immediately cut one of the ladies and proceed to rank the other sixteen setting up an NCAA March Madness style bracket.

Ultimately, this show was quite bad. Hopefully I've given you enough of a description that you won't feel the need to watch it yourself, although you can on VH1's website. You might have to watch several soap and Starburst commercials, as well as spots for "Dinner for Schmucks" which likely only schmucks will enjoy. Overall I did like the show more than "Dancing With the Stars" if for no other reason than there were neither cranky British judges or that douche from America's Funniest Home Videos that isn't Bob Saget.

heat gets super shredder.

2010-07-12T07:40:00.000-07:00

Mr. Maybe here, formaly known as young_turd. Since the Cav's left the playoffs I had really nothing else to talk about. Then Mr. Selfcentered had to rip the heart from a city that he was bred. After James bit the hand that fed him, Cav's owner responded with a beautifully written essay to Lebron that was honorable for it's own Dank Game post. Just take a look at his rough draft, he really shows his work. Gilbert guarantees a trophy before Miami by passing off the Curse of Cleveland. It appears everyone is becoming has been getting into the dank game humor and have been coming out with such t-shirt gems as these. tshirt 1 tshirt 2

Southbeach's "el heat" becomes another super team by drinking the rest of the tgri ooze canister. Miami's camp found a money tree to form the Super Shredder of Bosh, James, and Wade. Being a Cavs/Lebron fan, I am quite upset about the mutant however I know it will be fun to watch -- watch them destroy themselves. They will destroy the team by each one trying to each be the biggest star. In-fighting will start before the playoffs, and the dock will collapse on them before they can really do anything. Now along with this prediction of a Heat fail, I say that four new young stars will form under the Cavs new coaching. These four might not be able to do too much individually but as a team they will dominate in a stealthy and likable way while floating safely to the title.

I will leave you with this, if you want something to really piss you off read this article. It talks about how the super shredder had been plotting this for quite some time which makes you wonder if Lebron threw those last games to make the shredder possible.

A Miami Heat Fan's Reaction To "The Decision"

2010-07-09T21:12:00.000-07:00

If there's one word to describe how I feel about the arrival of LeBron James to South Beach, it's conflicted. Obviously bringing LeBron to the Heat is an excellent basketball move, and Pat Riley deserves all the praise in the world for pulling off the greatest heist in NBA history, but as a Heat fan soaking this all in right now I just feel, well, dirty.

I feel dirty for rubbernecking through that entire broadcast last night, watching as Cleveland fans' hearts were scraped from the asphalt after LeBron announced "The Decision." I feel dirty because, at the expense of the Cleveland faithful, my favorite team has transformed like Voltron into a Yankees-esque super team.

While true Miami Heat fans like myself do deserve a winning team after sitting through one year of atrocious Heat basketball (2007-08) and the following two years of expiring contract mediocrity, Cleveland fans certainly don't deserve this. I would have been completely content with Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade surrounded by role players in Miami, while LeBron continued to toil away in Cleveland. But clearly, LeBron wasn't content with that fate.

Now my favorite team will forever be linked to that ridiculous broadcast last night. It seemed as if the King was a mere pawn during The Decision, as many are speculating that LeBron's marketing team LRMR pushed him into making his choice on live television. LeBron was clearly uncomfortable and flustered with his speech, at one point saying, "One thing you can't control is you never know." Maybe that's some way out there transcendental shit that's over my head, like some George Harrison lyrics or something, but my best bet is that LeBron was so caught up in the moment that he hardly knew what he was saying.

I understand and respect LeBron's choice to join Wade and Bosh with the Heat, but the television special was a huge misstep by him and his camp. Although it did raise millions of dollars through advertising for the Boys and Girls Club of America, there has to have been another way to give back to charity that spared LeBron's former fan base. As Dank Game's own Teenage Soul Patch has been quick to point out, Kevin Durant signed a lucrative long-term contract with the Thunder without any of the hype. Of course LeBron's decision carried a lot more weight, but he certainly could learn a thing or two from Durant's humility.

Despite LeBron's image taking a serious blow, the real loser to come out of this is Cavs owner Dan Gilbert. Shortly after LeBron announced his decision, Gilbert posted a letter to Cavs fans on the team's website that unabashedly disparaged LeBron for leaving. I really really recommend that you click that link and read it all. He called LeBron's departure "cowardly betrayal" and also guaranteed that the Cavs would win a championship before the "SELF-TITLED FORMER 'KING' WINS ONE." Yes, Gilbert wrote his guarantee in ALL CAPS, y'know, to emphasize how serious he was. It's also worth noting that he used the infamous font Comic Sans to type the letter, as if it couldn't have been any more unprofessional.

As a Heat fan, these next five or six seasons will obviously be pretty interesting. I've never been the biggest fan of "The Chosen One" so it will be tough to get in the mindset of cheering for him. With that said, I had a love-hate relationship with Shaq during his time with the Heat, so I think I'll be able to warm up to LeBron. At least James will show up to training camp in shape.

The most exciting thing about all of this is that it will set up a Dank Game rivalry for the ages between the Heat and Thunder once OKC usurp the Lakers throne in the West. Prepare yourself, Teenage Chin Strap, for some brutal battles on the court and right here on Dank Game.

Funny Bengals Tweets - Lebron James Edition

2010-07-09T10:49:00.000-07:00

Given the circumstances in Ohio and the chatter on Twitter I've decided to bring you a LeBron James/Cavaliers/Heat version of Funny Bengals Tweets.

Former offensive lineman Willie Anderson (WillAnderson79) joked:

He's gon stay in Cleveland tomorrow night[.] I mean so he can Pack!
My Bday is Sun. I was gon hold a hour long special to let everyone know of my decision of where I'm going.
So Does Dwade have to watch Lebron throw powder in the air every game?

Former defensive tackle Shaun Smith (sjs91) chimed in:

Everyone get over it[.] the state [o]f Ohio will never win the big games so good luck.

Defensive tackle Tank Jonson (TankJohnson99) is crazy:

Does anyone know where Lebron went? I been on jupiter ice fishin 4 star fish! Just landed from jupiter international! #GreetinEarthlingz

Wide receiver and punt returner Quan Cosby had a good point:

Not gonna get into this too much but LB just nailed that live interview! Answered every ? Perfect, only thing wrong was talkin 3rd person ha

Wide receiver Chad Ochocinco (OGOchoCinco, allowable only for this special edition) has a suggestion for the Heat:

#perfect world Shaq comes back to the Heat also and Pat Riley signs me to come off the bench when football season ends, i'd average 15 pts

Former linebacker David Pollack (davidpollack47) lends me a sobering conclusion:

What does LeBron owe Cleveland, I'm confused? He just gave Clev the best seven years of their franchise
The Cleveland franchise is currently worth 100 million more than it was when LeBron got there.

AFC North Preview

2010-07-09T07:06:00.001-07:00

Fear not Ohio sports fans - they're are still two good Pro teams in Ohio. They just both happen to be in Cincinnati (yes, I'm counting a baseball team and yes it does feel a little dirty).

The AFC North is almost always a three team race, but this year I think the Steelers probably have too much to overcome to make a serious push at the division. No doubt the Ravens are a good team, but the Bengals topped them last year with a surpringly superior defense. Meanwhile, many facets of the Ravens are just getting old (Ray Lewis, Ed Reed), while the strengths of the Bengals' defense are young. While both teams attempted to improve their weak spots in the draft and free agency, I think the Bengals Defensive Line, wide receivers and tight ends improved much more than Baltimore's secondary, wide receivers and tight ends.

Division Winner: Cincinnati Bengals

The Bengals are essentially returning the Division winning team from last season minus the broken parts (LS Brad St. Louis, WR L. Coles, and they drafted a TE who will definitely replace Dan Coats). They picked up two wide receivers who will probably each be more productive than Coles in veteran Antonio Bryant and rookie Jordan Shipley, the Texas Longhorn's record holder for most catches. Plus last year's number four ranked defense returned EVERYBODY. With mostly solid draft picks and improved health thus far I see the Bengals taking 11 wins despite a brutal schedule. Ten might be enough for the division again this year however, as every team is looking at an uphill climb schedule-wise.

Division Runner-Up: Baltimore Ravens

This team received a lot of praise for the draft and free agent acquisitions. I can't say I don't agree with the speculation, but most of those writing off the Bengals can only point to an historic inability to repeat success. Oh, I'm supposed to be talking about the Ravens. They'll be good, but I think their defense will decline a little this year and I sincerely doubt their offense will take the step so many seem to expect. Flacco is still quite young, Boldin is a great wide receiver and a good addition, but they don't have a true number one like Cincy has in Chad Ochocinco, and TE Todd Heap is getting pretty old. Oh, and they have as bad a pair of starting cornerbacks as you're likely to come across in the NFL. Good team - good enough for nine, maybe ten wins against this schedule. It will depend on the rest of the Conference to see if that's good enough for another wild card berth.

Division Third Place: Pittsburgh Steelers

The Iron City has had as rough an offseason as you can imagine. Rapistbergergate led to a suspension of their starting quarterback and they lost a key member of their already porous offensive line for the year when RT Willie Colon tore his Achilles. They brought back Byron Leftwich to fill in at QB, but he'll probably get sacked about 20 times (30 if Ben's suspension does last the full six games instead of the optional four). In the meantime, Pittsburgh has done very little to upgrade their team. They had some decent draft picks, but it seems like their team is regressing while Cincinnati and Baltimore are rising. Given the Steelers seem to post respectable records even when bad, I'll give them seven wins, but the Browns may be closer than they're willing to admit.

Division Basement: Cleveland Browns

Fucking Cleveland. There's not much to say about Cleveland's chances this year. They're not good. They scrapped together five wins by grace of God last year, mostly at the end of the season against other teams already out of postseason contention. Every time this team takes one step forward it takes two steps backward. The phrase "rebuilding project" has hovered around ever since they returned as an expansion in the '90s. I'd like to think they're moving in the right direction this time, but the jury is very much still out on rookie QB Colt McCoy and second year RB Jerome Harrison. It'll be another long year in Cleveland, and against this schedule four wins could be expected but no more.

Trashy Florida

2010-07-08T19:32:00.000-07:00

I love the NBA. The real question is, can the dorky Heat beat the Lakers and or the Celts? When these dudes played together last they nneeeeeeded the BLACK MAMBA to beat the Spanish national team in the Olympics, which, ironically enough included Pau Gasol. I wonder, are they the third best team in the league now?

It seems extreme to question them like that, but the burden of proof is on the King from now on.

Throwback Posterization: D-Wade Throws Down On J.O.

2010-07-08T08:48:00.000-07:00

I've been slipping lately with Throwback Posterizations, so I felt it would be necessary to post one today as a much needed distraction from all the LeBron James hoopla. In celebration of Miami's forthcoming return to relevance, I've decided to go with Dwyane Wade as a rookie dunking on Jermaine O'Neal from the 2004 Playoffs. The Pacers would go on to win the series in six games en route to a loss in the Conference Finals to the Detroit Pistons, who would go on to win the title.

Onto the dunk. Reggie Miller and Jamal Tinsley are distracted by Lamar Odom playing in the post, which opens up a clear lane to the hoop for Wade. Lamar Odom recognizes this and delivers the past to Wade who elevates up and over Jermaine O'Neal for the one-handed slam.